We've all heard this expression: When it rains it pours!
It's like, the worse it gets, the worse. it. gets.
Same thing for the good stuff. It's coming into my life in groves these days and that's partially because the way I'm looking at things is changing. I'm choosing to focus on the good aspects of just about everything, so now I feel like I have this incredibly full plate of GOOD, which of course is scaring me a bit.
What scares me?
The thought that if I expand, grow, open, brighten and feel more exuberance then there will be a big, UGG winter boot waiting to drop (that's the other shoe, work with me here) and it won't only drop, it will land on my head. Ouch.
Another fear? I'll fuck it up!!! I'll fuck up the good that lands in my lap. I'll lose opportunities that I'm given.
Or, maybe people won't like me if I'm happier. I'm trying to let go of this overactive need to be liked (been working on that one for a lonnnnnnng time) but I just know that when I was really harboring some serious depression, self pity, and resentments, I couldn't stand happy people. I distanced myself from them. Maybe I'm a little caught up in that fear, too.
Also, it's unfamiliar to be in the kind of new territory I'm in. So, whereas I kind of knew what I was going to get before, now that my attitude, actions and external circumstances are changing significantly, I really don't know WHAT I'm going to get. It can be an exciting adventure or a trip down anxiety lane.
What am I going to choose? (Cue dramatic drums -- bum bum bum)
I want to choose good. I want to choose go with the flow. In fact, even as I affirm my deep desire for more abundance, my desire now is to actually accept, allow and honor all that I have now WITH GRACE and not fear. I want to smile and relax. I don't need any more...yet. :) I just want to work with what is and live in freedom.
My gratitude list is shaping up, big time! I am employed at a great media company with fabulous benefits and it's teaching me about the television business. I teach intenSati at Equinox which I LOVE, as you well know. I am dating and enjoying myself, which is a new thing and beautiful. I am closer to my goal weight and taking such better care of my body, also beautiful. It's my favorite season of the year. I have a beautiful 1-bedroom apartment that is quiet, spacious and has beautiful colored walls, among other things. I have wonderful friends. I am in recovery. My list goes on. My parents are healthy. I can overuse the word beautiful and not jump to the conclusion that it means I am a bad writer. Or, if I start thinking I'm a bad writer, I know how to turn that thought around, too. One by one. Two by two. It's enough.
There is a Jewish Passover song called Dayenu and it's an expression of thanks to the Source of life for all the blessings the Jewish people felt they received. It would have been enough, they sang, but then there was more. My people knew/know how to appreciate! Yes, it really is enough.
So, the lighter it gets, the brighter it gets and the brighter it gets, the BRIGHTER it gets. If you're sensitive to light like I am, it's okay. You can learn to adapt. I think the key is to keep breathing, saying yes, and whispering (or if you're in an intenSati class, SHOUTING!) the words Thank You.