myths
lies
beliefS
D
A
R
W
P
U
of 32 years
theINmaking
I am this
I believe that
I couldn't quite this
I wouldn't quite that
when all we're left with is conviction that stems from a false sense of the self and a limited consciousness
awakenings are always a surprise
!!!!
blowing the roof off my house of personal, habitual ideologies
and discovering one
recurrent
obnoxious
stubborn
relentless
potent
itchy mosquito bite of a belief that says
you are not enough for
A Whole Lotta Love
I Will Always Love You
I'm Gonna Love You
Like Nobody Loves You
Come Rain or Come Shine
how silly
how ill it is
to doubt one's own spirit or heart is
built for receiving
allowing
attracting
how silly
how ill it is
to spend countless hours trying to figure out why that belief exists
built for deceiving
angering
negating
how silly
how funny it is
to realize in a quick flash that it's just a belief
built for deconstructing
absolving
releasing
so that in its place
stems, sprouts, grows
the sweet belief
that presence knows and with it
awareness
and with that
a shadow of a thought, a whisper of a word
you do
you do
you do
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Dreaming vs Deciding
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
-Thoreau
This quote has been with me for a very long time and is on the cover of a scrap book I own (but, admitedly, don't really maintain. I was never the artsy crafty type.). Lately, though, the things I've spent years dreaming about and the life I've imagined have begun to materialize. In thinking about why things are happening now, I wrote the following:
I taught my first professional intenSati class at Equinox last night! Big woo-hoo. For years I've so admired my brilliant intenSati teachers and felt the desire to be like each and every one of them in some way, whether it's their cut physique, dancing prowess, incredible emotional strength or confidence. I tried out once for Equinox, didn't get hired, and went back just recently and achieved what I wanted, what I dreamed about. After last night's class, I realized, with such gratitude, that my body size/shape, my experience and level of skill, the reasons I got to be there leading -- it's all unique to me and will be my own special offering to the class. I don't have to compare myself to anybody. Who I am is enough and what I offer is beautiful. Did I feel self-critical at times? Yes, absolutely. I was scared and felt that old fear of rejection, not being liked, etc. But once I focused, I was able to let the teaching experience open my heart and I really felt a desire to help my students grow. There was instant affection for them all, truly, and I had so much fun!
I've also begun to write a lot of poetry that is my best work to date, I'm sure of that, and I'm taking my writing life into my own hands through this blog. I am thrilled to be interviewing again like I used to when I worked for a fine arts photography magazine a few years ago. I am so happy to be writing almost every day, whether I share/publish it or not. Writing is without a doubt one of the best ways for me to take stock of how I really feel and what is going on underneath the layers. It is also so calming when I just let myself express with absolutely no goal in mind other than to be honest.
I am working on a film, I managed to find an incredible, amazing new apartment (in my budget!) for Aug 1, my relationships with family and friends are greatly improving, my eating habits and self care habits are also as loving and nurturing as ever, and I am working on my voice so I can sing more, which I love.
The people in this city are responding so positively to me. I feel like I have such good luck now, it's amazing! Yesterday, during the rainstorms, a woman offered to share her umbrella with me because I didn't have one (that's another story for my therapist -- what is it about this resistance to provide myself with adequate shelter from the rain, ha ha). When I look at the areas that I've made some changes in, improvements, essentially, I remember that behind each and every one was a decision. The decision to shine, the decision to write more, to be healthy again, to let go of regrets, to be more courageous, to transition from student to teacher, to live out loud, to find a home I truly love, to never settle in love, to believe the Universe is kind, supportive and benevolent -- I was always dreaming but it wasn't until I began deciding that things really changed.
And yes, they have really really changed. I am so grateful.
So, I close with a new quote I have been reflecting on that I know is out there in the personal empowerment world, ha ha, but I can't read it too many times because it is just so true:
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
-Goethe
-Thoreau
This quote has been with me for a very long time and is on the cover of a scrap book I own (but, admitedly, don't really maintain. I was never the artsy crafty type.). Lately, though, the things I've spent years dreaming about and the life I've imagined have begun to materialize. In thinking about why things are happening now, I wrote the following:
I taught my first professional intenSati class at Equinox last night! Big woo-hoo. For years I've so admired my brilliant intenSati teachers and felt the desire to be like each and every one of them in some way, whether it's their cut physique, dancing prowess, incredible emotional strength or confidence. I tried out once for Equinox, didn't get hired, and went back just recently and achieved what I wanted, what I dreamed about. After last night's class, I realized, with such gratitude, that my body size/shape, my experience and level of skill, the reasons I got to be there leading -- it's all unique to me and will be my own special offering to the class. I don't have to compare myself to anybody. Who I am is enough and what I offer is beautiful. Did I feel self-critical at times? Yes, absolutely. I was scared and felt that old fear of rejection, not being liked, etc. But once I focused, I was able to let the teaching experience open my heart and I really felt a desire to help my students grow. There was instant affection for them all, truly, and I had so much fun!
I've also begun to write a lot of poetry that is my best work to date, I'm sure of that, and I'm taking my writing life into my own hands through this blog. I am thrilled to be interviewing again like I used to when I worked for a fine arts photography magazine a few years ago. I am so happy to be writing almost every day, whether I share/publish it or not. Writing is without a doubt one of the best ways for me to take stock of how I really feel and what is going on underneath the layers. It is also so calming when I just let myself express with absolutely no goal in mind other than to be honest.
I am working on a film, I managed to find an incredible, amazing new apartment (in my budget!) for Aug 1, my relationships with family and friends are greatly improving, my eating habits and self care habits are also as loving and nurturing as ever, and I am working on my voice so I can sing more, which I love.
The people in this city are responding so positively to me. I feel like I have such good luck now, it's amazing! Yesterday, during the rainstorms, a woman offered to share her umbrella with me because I didn't have one (that's another story for my therapist -- what is it about this resistance to provide myself with adequate shelter from the rain, ha ha). When I look at the areas that I've made some changes in, improvements, essentially, I remember that behind each and every one was a decision. The decision to shine, the decision to write more, to be healthy again, to let go of regrets, to be more courageous, to transition from student to teacher, to live out loud, to find a home I truly love, to never settle in love, to believe the Universe is kind, supportive and benevolent -- I was always dreaming but it wasn't until I began deciding that things really changed.
And yes, they have really really changed. I am so grateful.
So, I close with a new quote I have been reflecting on that I know is out there in the personal empowerment world, ha ha, but I can't read it too many times because it is just so true:
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
-Goethe
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Milestone achieved!
Hi readers!
I was hired to teach intenSati (www.satilife.com) at Equinox (www.equinoxfitness.com)!! I am SO excited to reach this level in my training and work!
I am on a mission to inspire others to live their best life and by that I mean a life of great health, joy, bliss and freedom to be themselves!!
When I think about how far I've come, I just feel really proud. At one point, I was 35 pounds heavier than I am now. I was terribly depressed and battled multiple eating disorders and addictive behavior for years, years, years. I tried fitting into lifestyles and careers that just weren't me, and I lived in fear so much of the time that I would be rejected, disliked, abandoned or harmed in such a way that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself.
That has changed considerably and it was hardly in any way an overnight thing. Years of persistent effort and hard work is what it took and will continue to take, one day at a time. My reaching a milestone like this really shows me my work is paying off.
Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Wayne Dyer. I really recommend his audio books -- they are phenomenal. "Secrets to Inner Healing", "Excuses Begone" and "Inspiration: Your Life's Calling" are particularly good. Great, even. :)
I truly believe that the reason I am freeing myself from a lot of ill behavior is my faith in a spiritual power/energy far greater than me, than us, that runs through the world and supports us when we ask and believe. It might sound trippy or hokey to some, but for me it works, and I see Evidence every day of the miracles our source provides me and those around me.
I am very hopeful. I want to be even more joyful in my heart, blissful in my body and serene in my soul. I want to be useful to others and helpful in ways that are so specific you'd think it was by design.
Most important, I want to be alive and well. I used to court the darkness. I don't know why -- I may never know -- and perhaps the freedom is in not caring to know any longer. Rather, I aim to affirm the light, the sunshine, the hope, the joy, the love and the truth. Painful feelings are part of being alive, of course, but as I've heard it said many times, Suffering is OPTIONAL.
I'm going out for a jog on the river and I'm going to meditate, too, because I need to check in with the above-mentioned power Source, which is waiting for me to make some intentional contact this afternoon and ask for guidance. Source likes to run the show, after all! :)
HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS LI'L BIT O' LINDSPIRATION!!!!!
I was hired to teach intenSati (www.satilife.com) at Equinox (www.equinoxfitness.com)!! I am SO excited to reach this level in my training and work!
I am on a mission to inspire others to live their best life and by that I mean a life of great health, joy, bliss and freedom to be themselves!!
When I think about how far I've come, I just feel really proud. At one point, I was 35 pounds heavier than I am now. I was terribly depressed and battled multiple eating disorders and addictive behavior for years, years, years. I tried fitting into lifestyles and careers that just weren't me, and I lived in fear so much of the time that I would be rejected, disliked, abandoned or harmed in such a way that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself.
That has changed considerably and it was hardly in any way an overnight thing. Years of persistent effort and hard work is what it took and will continue to take, one day at a time. My reaching a milestone like this really shows me my work is paying off.
Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Wayne Dyer. I really recommend his audio books -- they are phenomenal. "Secrets to Inner Healing", "Excuses Begone" and "Inspiration: Your Life's Calling" are particularly good. Great, even. :)
I truly believe that the reason I am freeing myself from a lot of ill behavior is my faith in a spiritual power/energy far greater than me, than us, that runs through the world and supports us when we ask and believe. It might sound trippy or hokey to some, but for me it works, and I see Evidence every day of the miracles our source provides me and those around me.
I am very hopeful. I want to be even more joyful in my heart, blissful in my body and serene in my soul. I want to be useful to others and helpful in ways that are so specific you'd think it was by design.
Most important, I want to be alive and well. I used to court the darkness. I don't know why -- I may never know -- and perhaps the freedom is in not caring to know any longer. Rather, I aim to affirm the light, the sunshine, the hope, the joy, the love and the truth. Painful feelings are part of being alive, of course, but as I've heard it said many times, Suffering is OPTIONAL.
I'm going out for a jog on the river and I'm going to meditate, too, because I need to check in with the above-mentioned power Source, which is waiting for me to make some intentional contact this afternoon and ask for guidance. Source likes to run the show, after all! :)
HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS LI'L BIT O' LINDSPIRATION!!!!!
Monday, July 20, 2009
2 Exciting Interviews on the Lindspiration Horizon
Hi, I am so excited to let you all know that yesterday, over a delicious brunch at Whym, I interviewed Kathy Deitch! Kathy is a brilliant Broadway singer/actress who was in "Wicked" as well as "Footloose". She is also the founder/lead singer of a Heart tribute band(you remember Heart, right?!) called "All Heart" and trust me when I say she is just a powerhouse performer. Can't wait for you to learn more about her!
Also, I am working on securing an interview with Paul Scott Goodman. Paul wrote the book, music, and lyrics for "Bright Lights Big City", which was presented at the New York Theater Workshop and he also wrote the rock musical "Rooms", which I absolutely loved (and secretly, ok not so secretly anymore, want to be in!). He's premiering his new musical "Easterhouse" at the O'Neil theatre soon so it's a great time to learn a little bit more about him.
Please tell your friends about this blog as I'm really looking to increase my readership!
Peace, Lindsay
Also, I am working on securing an interview with Paul Scott Goodman. Paul wrote the book, music, and lyrics for "Bright Lights Big City", which was presented at the New York Theater Workshop and he also wrote the rock musical "Rooms", which I absolutely loved (and secretly, ok not so secretly anymore, want to be in!). He's premiering his new musical "Easterhouse" at the O'Neil theatre soon so it's a great time to learn a little bit more about him.
Please tell your friends about this blog as I'm really looking to increase my readership!
Peace, Lindsay
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Pier 68
Counting my blessings on the Hudson
Pier
68
it takes considerable time for fierce fog to clear
but when it does
then crests ascend
dragon clouds in battle
planes of pain
city lights shine speckled spots for reflection
breath quiets the mind
and heart for introspection
breastfeeding mother to my right
photographer and jogger to my left
freedom is all we crave
for the soul
songs
bereft of partner
longs
not understanding sometimes
that the nudge from divine source
is to peer
six
eight
deep inside.
Pier
68
it takes considerable time for fierce fog to clear
but when it does
then crests ascend
dragon clouds in battle
planes of pain
city lights shine speckled spots for reflection
breath quiets the mind
and heart for introspection
breastfeeding mother to my right
photographer and jogger to my left
freedom is all we crave
for the soul
songs
bereft of partner
longs
not understanding sometimes
that the nudge from divine source
is to peer
six
eight
deep inside.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Lessons from a Little Boy
I was doing some writing yesterday afternoon in a park along the Hudson. The sun was streaming, the water was still and there was a really nice vibe all around. This young boy, about 6 years old, was playing catch with his father. They were using a velcro ball and the boy had a velcro mitt on one hand, so that to "catch" the ball all he had to do was make contact with it so it sticks.
The joy this little kid was having did not go unnoticed by me and the other sunbathers. Each time he caught the ball, his face erupted into a gleeful grin as if he were an adult winning the lottery.
What happened next was a true learning lesson for me. The boy decided he wanted to get to 20 consecutive catches in a row. So, he started counting out loud each time he caught the ball and once he saw he had a few admirers, he started to play to his audience, which now consisted of me, a cute guy, his girlfriend and their pug. With each catch, this kid shouted the number he was on with total exuberance at the top of his lungs and then flashed us a huge smile, paused, ripped that ball off the mitt and hurled it back to his father. 13! -- pause, look at crowd, smile, throw ball back to dad. 14! -- repeat...
Each number brought him exquisite pleasure. You see, it was not about the result. He didn't say "13 -- well, actually, you know this is great but it's really only going to be awesome when I get to 20!" Rather, each step along the way was savored.
Then, something funny happened. On number 18, he dropped the ball. Well, he did not even skip a beat before looking at his father and exclaiming, "That was a bad throw, dad!" It really wasn't, but I guess this little boy was so feeling his glory and greatness that he was feeling impervious to making mistakes. I'm all for taking responsibility for your part (as best I can) but for someone who tends to feel more more guilt than she deserves or earns, it made me smile.
The boy caught the next 3 in a row -- 18! 19! and of course...20!!!! He was so happy and this time the grin exploded so that I thought his ears might fall off. Then, as if perfecting the art of non-attachment, he took a breath, removed the velcro mitt, and said, "Dad! I want to play soccer now!"
I kind of feel that little boy was exactly who I needed to hear and observe yesterday. He taught me, or rather, reminded me, that this journey I'm on is meant to be savored every step along the way. With regard to my acting, I'm involved with 2 independent films this month (one short, one feature length) and with each I have about a page of dialogue. OK, so this is not my "20" as far as destinations go. 20 for me might be a feature length film opposite Christian Bale (yes, this girl dreams and also believes). Yet through the eyes of my little velcro catching friend of yesterday, this "number" I'm on is magical and amazing and great! It's worthy of an ear-to-ear grin, and it's part of the process to get to 20. To even be playing the game of catch is a gift.
His interest in moving on (and to soccer, no less, a boy at my own heart!) was also so inspiring because in the end, how important is the Final Result, really? I mean, come on! There is so much life to live and sometimes I think we all attach to the feelings and emotions of the pinnacles, too, which could keep us stuck and prevent us from moving on in a different kind of way than what happens when we attach to loss or perceived failure.
The meaning of velcro isn't lost on me, either. It gives the illusion of attachment, of being stuck, but all it takes is a good pull and then, ahh, release and relief. So, perhaps the even bigger lesson here is to look at those areas where I feel stuck and realize that maybe what feels like crazy glue is only, well, a velcro ball and mitt. :) Cheers.
xox L
The joy this little kid was having did not go unnoticed by me and the other sunbathers. Each time he caught the ball, his face erupted into a gleeful grin as if he were an adult winning the lottery.
What happened next was a true learning lesson for me. The boy decided he wanted to get to 20 consecutive catches in a row. So, he started counting out loud each time he caught the ball and once he saw he had a few admirers, he started to play to his audience, which now consisted of me, a cute guy, his girlfriend and their pug. With each catch, this kid shouted the number he was on with total exuberance at the top of his lungs and then flashed us a huge smile, paused, ripped that ball off the mitt and hurled it back to his father. 13! -- pause, look at crowd, smile, throw ball back to dad. 14! -- repeat...
Each number brought him exquisite pleasure. You see, it was not about the result. He didn't say "13 -- well, actually, you know this is great but it's really only going to be awesome when I get to 20!" Rather, each step along the way was savored.
Then, something funny happened. On number 18, he dropped the ball. Well, he did not even skip a beat before looking at his father and exclaiming, "That was a bad throw, dad!" It really wasn't, but I guess this little boy was so feeling his glory and greatness that he was feeling impervious to making mistakes. I'm all for taking responsibility for your part (as best I can) but for someone who tends to feel more more guilt than she deserves or earns, it made me smile.
The boy caught the next 3 in a row -- 18! 19! and of course...20!!!! He was so happy and this time the grin exploded so that I thought his ears might fall off. Then, as if perfecting the art of non-attachment, he took a breath, removed the velcro mitt, and said, "Dad! I want to play soccer now!"
I kind of feel that little boy was exactly who I needed to hear and observe yesterday. He taught me, or rather, reminded me, that this journey I'm on is meant to be savored every step along the way. With regard to my acting, I'm involved with 2 independent films this month (one short, one feature length) and with each I have about a page of dialogue. OK, so this is not my "20" as far as destinations go. 20 for me might be a feature length film opposite Christian Bale (yes, this girl dreams and also believes). Yet through the eyes of my little velcro catching friend of yesterday, this "number" I'm on is magical and amazing and great! It's worthy of an ear-to-ear grin, and it's part of the process to get to 20. To even be playing the game of catch is a gift.
His interest in moving on (and to soccer, no less, a boy at my own heart!) was also so inspiring because in the end, how important is the Final Result, really? I mean, come on! There is so much life to live and sometimes I think we all attach to the feelings and emotions of the pinnacles, too, which could keep us stuck and prevent us from moving on in a different kind of way than what happens when we attach to loss or perceived failure.
The meaning of velcro isn't lost on me, either. It gives the illusion of attachment, of being stuck, but all it takes is a good pull and then, ahh, release and relief. So, perhaps the even bigger lesson here is to look at those areas where I feel stuck and realize that maybe what feels like crazy glue is only, well, a velcro ball and mitt. :) Cheers.
xox L
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A Journey Towards Authenticity
I have a dream to be a dancer and want so badly to be trained in all forms of dance -- ballet, modern, jazz, tap, hip hop, ballroom, pop and lock, tap, African, bellydance. It would be a dream come true for me to study dance formally and then choreograph, and also continue acting, writing and teaching fitness. I want to make this a reality.
I may be 32 but my body has the potential to be in incredible shape if I can heal my ankle, eat right and train it accordingly. I can be in better shape than I was ten years ago if I train properly. I have learned that when the student is ready the teacher appears. Well, this student is ready to figure out how to live the life she dreams of and with a soul completely expressed. WHY NOT? There is no reason I shouldn't be able to figure this one out!
I really do ask the Universe for help. I believe in the loving care and guidance of a Higher Power and ask for its help now.
I ask to be inspired so I know what direction to choose so I'm fulfilling my passions and living a life beyond my wildest dreams.
I may be 32 but my body has the potential to be in incredible shape if I can heal my ankle, eat right and train it accordingly. I can be in better shape than I was ten years ago if I train properly. I have learned that when the student is ready the teacher appears. Well, this student is ready to figure out how to live the life she dreams of and with a soul completely expressed. WHY NOT? There is no reason I shouldn't be able to figure this one out!
I really do ask the Universe for help. I believe in the loving care and guidance of a Higher Power and ask for its help now.
I ask to be inspired so I know what direction to choose so I'm fulfilling my passions and living a life beyond my wildest dreams.
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