When it comes to our efforts at transforming ourselves and creating new habits, we often get stuck and revert back to what's comfortable, familiar and ingrained. For me, I'm continually working to improve my relationship to food and eat in a way that is most healthy and loving for my body, mind and soul. Toward that end, I've made some commitments through my mentor Patricia Moreno's THRIVE program (www.patriciamorenothrive.blogspot.com) and one of them is to abstain from white sugar for a month.
Well, today is Day 1 and a sizeable challenge came my way at a coworker's birthday party. It was around 4 pm (the witching hour for those who work in an office) and I was faced with the most delightful, innocuous looking cupcakes from Buttercup Bakery on the silver, conference room table. For a moment, I gleefully eyed a pink pastel one with soft-purple sprinkles and forgot the commitment I had made just 24 hours ago. I came very, very close to saying Yes to this treat but something happened and I passed.
I was able breathe and connect with the WHY behind my decision to abstain from sugar. I did a quick mental checklist -- because I want to lose the extra fat around my midsection and reach my goal weight, because I want to stay true to my word and build integrity, because I want to protect my teeth from more cavities, because I want to have a really enjoyable dinner with whole grains and if I eat the cupcakes, I would feel I have to eliminate those, and because I am teaching an intenSati class in about 12 hours and do not want my mind to be focused on burning off a cupcake.
Let the mental tennis match begin? No thanks! I'm getting my tennis at the US Open next week!
So, I politely declined, watched my coworkers enjoy the goods and then left the gathering a little early, lest my resolve weaken. Once I'm done with this post, I'm going to drink some ice water.
Not everybody has the same kind of interest, to put it mildly, in cupcakes as I do so maybe this story won't resonate. Or, maybe it will! I do hope you can use it to support your own journey in keeping the promises you make and supporting actions that are for your highest good. Now don't get me wrong, I will go back to having dessert in a balanced way but for today, that is not on the plan that I created. It is my choice and I'm doing this for me, nobody else. I might feel a little deprived now, but later, and certainly at 6:30AM tomorrow when I'm teaching, I know I'll be smiling.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
On Antidepressants and Big Pharm
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2009/08/26/barber_age_of_anxiety/?source=newsletter
This is a good article. I feel very strongly that if people tried more natural remedies for depression (exercise, meditation, community support, CBT/DBT techniques, a healthy diet...), there would be less of a reliance upon prescription drug treatments which have unpleasant side effects and (relatively) unknown long-term usage effects. Anti-depressant medication might be ideal treatment for a segment of the population but 1 in 10 Americans take them. 1 in 10?! I think that's around the same percentage of Americans who carry a passport.
This article asks whether Big Pharma and its persuasive advertising apparatus is to blame for manipulating Americans into using antidepressants. While there is some use in thinking about that question, and you can guess what my answer is, I'd say the likelihood of Big Pharma conceding is slim so let's just think about solutions outside of the pill popping mentality! Like intenSai. Or, international travel.
This is a good article. I feel very strongly that if people tried more natural remedies for depression (exercise, meditation, community support, CBT/DBT techniques, a healthy diet...), there would be less of a reliance upon prescription drug treatments which have unpleasant side effects and (relatively) unknown long-term usage effects. Anti-depressant medication might be ideal treatment for a segment of the population but 1 in 10 Americans take them. 1 in 10?! I think that's around the same percentage of Americans who carry a passport.
This article asks whether Big Pharma and its persuasive advertising apparatus is to blame for manipulating Americans into using antidepressants. While there is some use in thinking about that question, and you can guess what my answer is, I'd say the likelihood of Big Pharma conceding is slim so let's just think about solutions outside of the pill popping mentality! Like intenSai. Or, international travel.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Give Yourself A Day of Bliss
I was really burnt out (see my last post) and I'm very happy to be writing from the opposite side of the spectrum. I traveled out to my uncle's house on Shelter Island and have brought my body back into a state of relaxation and freedom. For me, bliss is a state of natural well-being from which I'm experiencing life with love and joy. When I'm blissful, time just passes so quickly and my senses become completely alive. Today, Friday, has been one of those days:
-I woke up early and meditated outside. It was cloudy and humid, which was kind of how my mind felt at 7 am, but then the early morning air brought me to life. It was beautiful and while I meditated there were three deer about 20 yards from me.
-I went with my mom (parents were at the house until about 9 am this morning) into town for coffee and an egg white sandwhich on a wheat roll, yum :). Sitting on the water with my beautiful mother, we discussed ways to get my dad out of the funk he's in. My idea was a cooking class in NYC and I think we have the perfect one!
-I went for a bike ride for about an hour and the sun came out. I almost took a spin class at a fitness studio and realized that would be the dumbest thing ever, since Shelter is perfect for bike riding and I was on one. While riding I sang at the top of my lungs and the trees sang back, rustled leaves and all.
-I came back to the house and went on line for a bit, watched a little TV, and ate a few sweet grapes.
-I went for a run in about 85 degree sunny heat and sweat out any last bit of stress and tension I was holding onto. Mainly, there were a lot of what'if's floating around my head. I let them go! I don't know the future and can live with unknowns, yes, I can. Then I found this yacht club and just watched people from a distance. They all looked happy and joyful.
-I got home, showered off the delectable mixture of suntan lotion, bug spray and sweat, and then cooked the most delicious lunch of sauteed asparagus, tomato, onions and turkey bacon. I had it with a little yogurt and fruit for the perfect summer meal (maybe I should take that cooking class with my dad).
-I called a friend and we talked and realized how we're at such similar places in our lives. She told me she's starting a creative writing program this fall and when I mentioned I write poetry, she offered to read it and put me in touch with a few of her friends who are very talented poets. Such a nice synchronicity.
-I'm writing now and about to go on a bike ride to a yoga studio for a gentle yoga class. Then, I'll bike to the beach and watch the sunset and then I'll have dinner.
The majority of my day was spent alone -- it is a cool thing to appreciate solitude. I am so filled with gratitude that I have the chance to relax like this in such a beautiful setting.
I am responsible for my own healing and aware that there are areas in me that need special attention -- physical and emotional. Healing is a process but it's really activated by the intention to do it. By giving myself a day of bliss like today, I know I am giving myself exactly what i need.
I hope you feel inspired to do a scan of your body and your heart and see if there are places that needs a little extra TLC and attention, and then I hope you give yourself that gift.
My best,
Lindsay
-I woke up early and meditated outside. It was cloudy and humid, which was kind of how my mind felt at 7 am, but then the early morning air brought me to life. It was beautiful and while I meditated there were three deer about 20 yards from me.
-I went with my mom (parents were at the house until about 9 am this morning) into town for coffee and an egg white sandwhich on a wheat roll, yum :). Sitting on the water with my beautiful mother, we discussed ways to get my dad out of the funk he's in. My idea was a cooking class in NYC and I think we have the perfect one!
-I went for a bike ride for about an hour and the sun came out. I almost took a spin class at a fitness studio and realized that would be the dumbest thing ever, since Shelter is perfect for bike riding and I was on one. While riding I sang at the top of my lungs and the trees sang back, rustled leaves and all.
-I came back to the house and went on line for a bit, watched a little TV, and ate a few sweet grapes.
-I went for a run in about 85 degree sunny heat and sweat out any last bit of stress and tension I was holding onto. Mainly, there were a lot of what'if's floating around my head. I let them go! I don't know the future and can live with unknowns, yes, I can. Then I found this yacht club and just watched people from a distance. They all looked happy and joyful.
-I got home, showered off the delectable mixture of suntan lotion, bug spray and sweat, and then cooked the most delicious lunch of sauteed asparagus, tomato, onions and turkey bacon. I had it with a little yogurt and fruit for the perfect summer meal (maybe I should take that cooking class with my dad).
-I called a friend and we talked and realized how we're at such similar places in our lives. She told me she's starting a creative writing program this fall and when I mentioned I write poetry, she offered to read it and put me in touch with a few of her friends who are very talented poets. Such a nice synchronicity.
-I'm writing now and about to go on a bike ride to a yoga studio for a gentle yoga class. Then, I'll bike to the beach and watch the sunset and then I'll have dinner.
The majority of my day was spent alone -- it is a cool thing to appreciate solitude. I am so filled with gratitude that I have the chance to relax like this in such a beautiful setting.
I am responsible for my own healing and aware that there are areas in me that need special attention -- physical and emotional. Healing is a process but it's really activated by the intention to do it. By giving myself a day of bliss like today, I know I am giving myself exactly what i need.
I hope you feel inspired to do a scan of your body and your heart and see if there are places that needs a little extra TLC and attention, and then I hope you give yourself that gift.
My best,
Lindsay
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Vacation time
Hi friends who read my blog ...
I'm going on vacation. My candle is officially burnt at both ends and throughout the entire wick that goes through the ooey, gooey wax. I am E X hausted.
I'm going off line for a week with only the occasional gmail check ins. The goal is to relax and figure out how to better structure my life so I can continue to manifest my dreams, give 100% and still sleep.
Wishing you wellness, whatever you truly need and all the things you desire that are for your highest good ...
N
A
M
A
S
T
E
xoxox
Lindsay
I'm going on vacation. My candle is officially burnt at both ends and throughout the entire wick that goes through the ooey, gooey wax. I am E X hausted.
I'm going off line for a week with only the occasional gmail check ins. The goal is to relax and figure out how to better structure my life so I can continue to manifest my dreams, give 100% and still sleep.
Wishing you wellness, whatever you truly need and all the things you desire that are for your highest good ...
N
A
M
A
S
T
E
xoxox
Lindsay
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Today's Horoscope :)
I'm a sucker for my DailyOM horoscope, which today reads:
Our thought patterns have a powerful hold over the ways in which we go about our lives – negative thoughts and fears hold us back, while positive thoughts energize and encourage us. If we simply ignore our negative thoughts, however, we are not truly facing our fears, but rather suppressing them. Only when we truly explore everything that both motivates and hinders us will we be able to challenge our problems and really believe in ourselves. By having a positive outlook today, you will have the confidence, strength, and courage you need to reach your goals.
Just a fast reminder that this work is worth it for me. In Eckert Tolle's The Power of Now, there is a section towards the end of the book about surrendering to pain. I had to do that the other night because I was holding onto an expectation about someone that was not met, and I was suffering because I just wouldn't let go. Yet, I couldn't just affirm my way into relief. Rather, I had to sit and feel the sadness, the disappointment and the temporary loss of hope. I went there and then released it. Now, I honestly feel much lighter and stronger. I am in a place where I have greater control over my thoughts on the subject and the ability to focus on other things.
I'm definitely taking on more leadership roles in my life now. Last night's "Eating With Intention And Awareness" call with Patricia Moreno involved my sharing about my experience recovering from multiple eating disorders. I am very much a work in progress and chose to share about my feelings and behaviors with the group of callers , most of whom I did not know personally. This was scary and left me feeling vulnerable, but I went to sleep grateful and hopeful that what I said actually helped, uplifted and possible inspired others to make positive changes in their lives around food or any other area of limiting behaviors.
I am no longer living in my past (I think I'm going to post this weekend about what that means to me, exactly) and I am less attached to my stories (ditto), but I do feel like I am supposed to tell them so others can heal and I can continue to grow.
In addition to all this serious stuff :0, just want to share that I'll be shooting a dance segment for the Tyra Banks Show this Monday, holla!!!! Rehearsal is this afternoon. I AM A dancing, dancing, dancinnnnnnnnng, dancing machiiiiiiiiiiine!!!! oxoxo
Our thought patterns have a powerful hold over the ways in which we go about our lives – negative thoughts and fears hold us back, while positive thoughts energize and encourage us. If we simply ignore our negative thoughts, however, we are not truly facing our fears, but rather suppressing them. Only when we truly explore everything that both motivates and hinders us will we be able to challenge our problems and really believe in ourselves. By having a positive outlook today, you will have the confidence, strength, and courage you need to reach your goals.
Just a fast reminder that this work is worth it for me. In Eckert Tolle's The Power of Now, there is a section towards the end of the book about surrendering to pain. I had to do that the other night because I was holding onto an expectation about someone that was not met, and I was suffering because I just wouldn't let go. Yet, I couldn't just affirm my way into relief. Rather, I had to sit and feel the sadness, the disappointment and the temporary loss of hope. I went there and then released it. Now, I honestly feel much lighter and stronger. I am in a place where I have greater control over my thoughts on the subject and the ability to focus on other things.
I'm definitely taking on more leadership roles in my life now. Last night's "Eating With Intention And Awareness" call with Patricia Moreno involved my sharing about my experience recovering from multiple eating disorders. I am very much a work in progress and chose to share about my feelings and behaviors with the group of callers , most of whom I did not know personally. This was scary and left me feeling vulnerable, but I went to sleep grateful and hopeful that what I said actually helped, uplifted and possible inspired others to make positive changes in their lives around food or any other area of limiting behaviors.
I am no longer living in my past (I think I'm going to post this weekend about what that means to me, exactly) and I am less attached to my stories (ditto), but I do feel like I am supposed to tell them so others can heal and I can continue to grow.
In addition to all this serious stuff :0, just want to share that I'll be shooting a dance segment for the Tyra Banks Show this Monday, holla!!!! Rehearsal is this afternoon. I AM A dancing, dancing, dancinnnnnnnnng, dancing machiiiiiiiiiiine!!!! oxoxo
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Gratitude is My Point of Attraction
It is with tremendous gratitude that I write this morning. Of all the things for which I am grateful, the greatest gift I now possess and hold sacred is a new freedom from compulsive eating and major depression.
I will be assisting Patricia Moreno (www.patriciamoreno.com) on a discussion call tonight aptly named "Eating With Intention and Awareness" which will have close to 150 callers listening in and sharing. Only as the result of my hard work and persistence in the area of eating disorder recovery am I able to take a leadership role. I spent years overwhelmed by the daunting task of changing deep-rooted, destructive thinking patterns and behaviors which included extreme overeating tendencies, bulimia and restricting. It is amazing to me still how long it's taken to make significant, impactful changes but I guess it's truly better late than never and it also speaks to how hard it is to recover.
Maybe if I had started thinking that it doesn't have to be hard, instead of repeating over and over again to myself (and countless others!) how difficult it is to recover, then it would've been easier. I'm not sure.
Food and the meaning we give it is so personal. For some, it's nourishment, simply and only. For others, it can be a weapon of mass self-destruction. Some people eat and overeat and undereat without shame. For others, 10 extra carrots can mean a downward spiral of negative thinking and self-punishment. For some, the body is beautiful at any size, and boobs and butt are placed proudly on display whether or not they fit society's standard of beauty. For others, an extra five pounds around the middle section means saying no to dates, sex, self praise, the gym and so much more. It's amazing the diversity of attitudes and beliefs women and men possess in this area of life.
I've come a long way and admittedly have a long way to go. I am very much in process and healing. I have days and weeks when I eat really well and then moments when I resort to old habits. As soon as I was asked to be the permanent sub at Equinox for Natalia after she has her baby, I actually overate that same night! I know that my old tendency was to sabotage myself when afraid I can't live up to a big challenge. I am grateful those moments are fewer and farther between, and that I always choose get back in the game, now faster than ever.
Probably my biggest challenge is loving and accepting my body exactly as it is even as I work on increasing strength, muscle, and endurance. I am a competitive athlete and now that I'm a fitness instructor, I am really upping my training. I love it! I want to be in the best shape of my life -- that is my goal -- because I feel it will be a huge accomplishment for me and also put me in the place where I can be of greatest service and inspiration to my students. Yet, in the meantime, can I find it in myself to love, I mean, really really love and honor my body now? I intend to, I want to -- yes, yes, yes!
Can you find it in yourself to love and honor an aspect of you that you are also in the process of transforming and letting go of? It's an amazing thing to reach that place and if you can even find some gratitude, watch out, it's truly what helps move the process of transformation along. So I end with this and you can fill in the blank with something you're working on:
Dear ________ (for me, it's unconscious eating and body rejection),
Thank you for being one of my greatest teachers. If it wasn't for you, I would never have learned that there is no challenge too great for me to overcome. You kept me down for years and as the result, living in the light now fills me with tremendous appreciation and gratitude that I would never have felt had you not kept me in the darkness for so long. I am truly ready to move on from you, including the subtle and sneaky remnants of you which permeate my thinking and behaving. I truly release you to the Universe so I can grow and expand and be happy, blissful, free and of maximum service to others.
Love,
Lindsay
Thank you and if you want to be on tonight's free, 8:30 pm conference call on Eating With Intention and Awareness, please email rsvp@intensati.com.
I will be assisting Patricia Moreno (www.patriciamoreno.com) on a discussion call tonight aptly named "Eating With Intention and Awareness" which will have close to 150 callers listening in and sharing. Only as the result of my hard work and persistence in the area of eating disorder recovery am I able to take a leadership role. I spent years overwhelmed by the daunting task of changing deep-rooted, destructive thinking patterns and behaviors which included extreme overeating tendencies, bulimia and restricting. It is amazing to me still how long it's taken to make significant, impactful changes but I guess it's truly better late than never and it also speaks to how hard it is to recover.
Maybe if I had started thinking that it doesn't have to be hard, instead of repeating over and over again to myself (and countless others!) how difficult it is to recover, then it would've been easier. I'm not sure.
Food and the meaning we give it is so personal. For some, it's nourishment, simply and only. For others, it can be a weapon of mass self-destruction. Some people eat and overeat and undereat without shame. For others, 10 extra carrots can mean a downward spiral of negative thinking and self-punishment. For some, the body is beautiful at any size, and boobs and butt are placed proudly on display whether or not they fit society's standard of beauty. For others, an extra five pounds around the middle section means saying no to dates, sex, self praise, the gym and so much more. It's amazing the diversity of attitudes and beliefs women and men possess in this area of life.
I've come a long way and admittedly have a long way to go. I am very much in process and healing. I have days and weeks when I eat really well and then moments when I resort to old habits. As soon as I was asked to be the permanent sub at Equinox for Natalia after she has her baby, I actually overate that same night! I know that my old tendency was to sabotage myself when afraid I can't live up to a big challenge. I am grateful those moments are fewer and farther between, and that I always choose get back in the game, now faster than ever.
Probably my biggest challenge is loving and accepting my body exactly as it is even as I work on increasing strength, muscle, and endurance. I am a competitive athlete and now that I'm a fitness instructor, I am really upping my training. I love it! I want to be in the best shape of my life -- that is my goal -- because I feel it will be a huge accomplishment for me and also put me in the place where I can be of greatest service and inspiration to my students. Yet, in the meantime, can I find it in myself to love, I mean, really really love and honor my body now? I intend to, I want to -- yes, yes, yes!
Can you find it in yourself to love and honor an aspect of you that you are also in the process of transforming and letting go of? It's an amazing thing to reach that place and if you can even find some gratitude, watch out, it's truly what helps move the process of transformation along. So I end with this and you can fill in the blank with something you're working on:
Dear ________ (for me, it's unconscious eating and body rejection),
Thank you for being one of my greatest teachers. If it wasn't for you, I would never have learned that there is no challenge too great for me to overcome. You kept me down for years and as the result, living in the light now fills me with tremendous appreciation and gratitude that I would never have felt had you not kept me in the darkness for so long. I am truly ready to move on from you, including the subtle and sneaky remnants of you which permeate my thinking and behaving. I truly release you to the Universe so I can grow and expand and be happy, blissful, free and of maximum service to others.
Love,
Lindsay
Thank you and if you want to be on tonight's free, 8:30 pm conference call on Eating With Intention and Awareness, please email rsvp@intensati.com.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Over Pier 54
This past Saturday morning, I started my day with an early morning support group meeting downtown. When it was over, I walked with a friend to our gym in the West Village but I decided to delay my workout because I felt drawn to walk over to the Hudson River. I walked west on 14th St and found my way onto Pier 54. It was desolate. Oddly, eerily desolate for a beautiful Saturday morning. I sat alone on a bench that faced the water on the westernmost point of the pier, just thinking, feeling, and breathing with whatever sensations I had. I was feeling very sad and crying a little. I ended up writing a poem. Here is the poem exactly as I wrote it at 11 am:
just the hummmmmm of planes
and boats
and a helicopter
red -- with water skiis
on the descent
I can't work anymore in this world
just want to observe
and reflect back to you
what I see
concrete with cracks
that's my certainty
there is Lady Liberty to my left
Lackawanna left of center
and the W hotel? when did that
get there?
no shortage of love for Joisey, yeah right
but bada-bing! wouldn't it be nice
to be resting my eyes on the
Amalfi Coast
Carribean boats
or someplace far away
remote
with my Carmella (or my Tony) of course!
nobody wants to be alone
y'know
come onnnnnnnn, fuhgeddabout it
oh, here come the joggers
so I'm not alone on my bench
in this section marked Authorized Personnel Only
that reminds me it's time for class
time to work it out
shake it loose
get all hot and sweaty and stinky
I lack the desire here and now but I'll go on
one more boat to see before I leave
this one marked
Marine
alight, fine, I'll focus
on some patriotism
so US, NY, Jersey
Made in America
I left and went to work out for two hours and when I came out of the studio, I saw on the TV that CNN was reporting a crash between a helicopter and a plane. More details emerged -- Liberty was the name of the company that ran the helicopter tours, 5 of the victims were visiting NY from Italy -- there are more details and connections if you read the poem closely and research the story.
This is the truth and I believe it speaks to the powers of intuition that we all possess. I believe I was in tune with something that precipitated the accident, and even if I don't know what that "something" is I feel more certain than ever that we are spiritual beings having a human experience (as I've heard it said) and that the power is truly in the present and being conscious.
Some might label this a coincidence but I do not. Through recovery programs as well as my fitness practices (intenSati, yoga, dance), I have been seeking connections and synchronicities, ways to develop my intuition, and ultimately, ways to let go and heal so that I feel more alive and connected to the natural and spiritual world. I believe this poem came as a direct result of that work.
I'm not sure where to go from here and am admittedly a bit shaken up by the whole experience, but I am trusting that everything happens for a reason. It seems that the more I write the more I feel like I don't choose what I write. It's so weird! It just comes up and out, like those automatic tennis ball feeders, or something. At the risk of completely going off on a tangent, I'll just end my post now, but your thoughts are most welcome and appreciated. Thank you, x L
just the hummmmmm of planes
and boats
and a helicopter
red -- with water skiis
on the descent
I can't work anymore in this world
just want to observe
and reflect back to you
what I see
concrete with cracks
that's my certainty
there is Lady Liberty to my left
Lackawanna left of center
and the W hotel? when did that
get there?
no shortage of love for Joisey, yeah right
but bada-bing! wouldn't it be nice
to be resting my eyes on the
Amalfi Coast
Carribean boats
or someplace far away
remote
with my Carmella (or my Tony) of course!
nobody wants to be alone
y'know
come onnnnnnnn, fuhgeddabout it
oh, here come the joggers
so I'm not alone on my bench
in this section marked Authorized Personnel Only
that reminds me it's time for class
time to work it out
shake it loose
get all hot and sweaty and stinky
I lack the desire here and now but I'll go on
one more boat to see before I leave
this one marked
Marine
alight, fine, I'll focus
on some patriotism
so US, NY, Jersey
Made in America
I left and went to work out for two hours and when I came out of the studio, I saw on the TV that CNN was reporting a crash between a helicopter and a plane. More details emerged -- Liberty was the name of the company that ran the helicopter tours, 5 of the victims were visiting NY from Italy -- there are more details and connections if you read the poem closely and research the story.
This is the truth and I believe it speaks to the powers of intuition that we all possess. I believe I was in tune with something that precipitated the accident, and even if I don't know what that "something" is I feel more certain than ever that we are spiritual beings having a human experience (as I've heard it said) and that the power is truly in the present and being conscious.
Some might label this a coincidence but I do not. Through recovery programs as well as my fitness practices (intenSati, yoga, dance), I have been seeking connections and synchronicities, ways to develop my intuition, and ultimately, ways to let go and heal so that I feel more alive and connected to the natural and spiritual world. I believe this poem came as a direct result of that work.
I'm not sure where to go from here and am admittedly a bit shaken up by the whole experience, but I am trusting that everything happens for a reason. It seems that the more I write the more I feel like I don't choose what I write. It's so weird! It just comes up and out, like those automatic tennis ball feeders, or something. At the risk of completely going off on a tangent, I'll just end my post now, but your thoughts are most welcome and appreciated. Thank you, x L
Friday, August 7, 2009
My Best
In early September, I will be taking over two weekly, 6:30 AM intenSati classes (one is High Cardio Burn) at Equinox after the amazing, extraordinary, seemingly super human Natalia goes on maternity leave.
Honestly, when I found out a few weeks ago, I had some doubts I can handle stepping into this role, which of course meant there was some negative self talk going on, blah blah blah, I'm not even going to get into it here, because it's over.
This morning while I took Nati's class, I witnessed her unbelievable strength because --with only 5 weeks left in her pregnancy -- she had more energy than anybody in the class. I kid you not! I was up there, but she was THROUGH there! This made me ask myself the following question: How badly do I want to be MY BEST and what am I willing to do to get there? Where have I been cutting corners and am I ready to change?
This also comes on the tail end of watching last night's finale to "So You Think You Can Dance" and seeing just how great you have to be to compete at the highest level.
The truth is, I am so over and done with keeping myself from playing full out. My former acting coach said that when we don't do our best, we break our own heart. Well, I am done breaking mine.
I am entering a new phase of my life. When I think about how I would feel looking back, I know that I would have regrets if I didn't go for every big, amazing, extraordinary dream that I have by working my ass off and taking my training as a life or death matter, because ultimately for me, it is. If I don't give 100%, I am a boatload of regrets, my energy goes down, my shadow moves in and starts paying rent, I eat too many carbs, my ankle starts to hurt, I leech onto others who ARE doing the work, and I basically lose my pooh.
This has been a long time coming and I've made tremendous strides along the way but it's been years of working and taking steps forward and back, forward and back, like a rocking horse. Years of seeing people reach elite levels in their chosen passion pursuits and crying to myself, Why not me? Well, essentially, because I was scared, insecure and unwilling to do all the work. I also didn't want to make so many sacrifices. Not sure why I'm ready now, but I am. I really, truly am and I am grateful. I am grateful for my friends and family who will support me.
I've heard it says that your bliss finds you. I kind of feel like mine has found me and is begging me with a megaphone to do more to honor and support it. Ok, my bliss, I hear you! We're going balls to the wall and it's going to be a fabulous ride.......
Honestly, when I found out a few weeks ago, I had some doubts I can handle stepping into this role, which of course meant there was some negative self talk going on, blah blah blah, I'm not even going to get into it here, because it's over.
This morning while I took Nati's class, I witnessed her unbelievable strength because --with only 5 weeks left in her pregnancy -- she had more energy than anybody in the class. I kid you not! I was up there, but she was THROUGH there! This made me ask myself the following question: How badly do I want to be MY BEST and what am I willing to do to get there? Where have I been cutting corners and am I ready to change?
This also comes on the tail end of watching last night's finale to "So You Think You Can Dance" and seeing just how great you have to be to compete at the highest level.
The truth is, I am so over and done with keeping myself from playing full out. My former acting coach said that when we don't do our best, we break our own heart. Well, I am done breaking mine.
I am entering a new phase of my life. When I think about how I would feel looking back, I know that I would have regrets if I didn't go for every big, amazing, extraordinary dream that I have by working my ass off and taking my training as a life or death matter, because ultimately for me, it is. If I don't give 100%, I am a boatload of regrets, my energy goes down, my shadow moves in and starts paying rent, I eat too many carbs, my ankle starts to hurt, I leech onto others who ARE doing the work, and I basically lose my pooh.
This has been a long time coming and I've made tremendous strides along the way but it's been years of working and taking steps forward and back, forward and back, like a rocking horse. Years of seeing people reach elite levels in their chosen passion pursuits and crying to myself, Why not me? Well, essentially, because I was scared, insecure and unwilling to do all the work. I also didn't want to make so many sacrifices. Not sure why I'm ready now, but I am. I really, truly am and I am grateful. I am grateful for my friends and family who will support me.
I've heard it says that your bliss finds you. I kind of feel like mine has found me and is begging me with a megaphone to do more to honor and support it. Ok, my bliss, I hear you! We're going balls to the wall and it's going to be a fabulous ride.......
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Truth as Inspiration
"We prefer to hear the truth. Honesty is a necessity if we're ever going to live in harmony with Spirit and become a source of inspiration for others as well."
- Wayne Dyer
I am working on hearing my own truth and telling fewer lies and rationalizations to myself. The people I've learned the most from are the ones who possess a tremendous ability to be honest with themselves and others. Not mean or cruel, but honest. I aspire to find deeper truths in myself that lie dormant beneath my habitual ways of perceiving and experiencing the world.
I lie to myself all the time. Every day. I start off the day by repressing the burning desire I have to go to dance class or an acting gig as I instead get dressed to go to the office. I put on my work clothes and subconsciously whisper against my bliss, It's not that bad. The truth is it hurts me deeply to spend hours a day earning my current living in lieu of more time spent in my passions. This will change, sooner than later, but in the meantime I have to admit that I feel the pain of that each morning and stop supressing it.
I look in the mirror and lie to myself a second time when I deny the beauty of Source energy that radiates through my eyes and instead focus on the dark circles and fine lines that live around them. I perform a quick cover up of my crime against superficiality and dab under eye concealer there and anyplace else I find imperfections. The truth is that I am beautiful.
During the commute to the office, I go through an ordeal of internalized frustration and anger every single day over... the midtown east cigarette smokers. They take up the sidewalks and streets and pollute my sensitive lungs with their puffs; inevitably, by the time I get to the office, my hair smells like I was in a bar (pre-anti-smoking regulation). My personal truth is that I consider it a violation of my safety and I think public street smoking should be banned. There, I said it. :) The same way I wouldn't go up to someone and punch them on the back, thus inflicting injury (especially with how powerfully I punch nowadays, yup!) why should these strangers be allowed to injure my lungs? Am I lying to myself by exagerrating the effects of secondhand smoke? I don't think so. I can admit that in my resentment I lose all compassion for my fellow commuters, deny they have addictions, imagine that they somehow enjoy or even revel in spreading toxic fumes everywhere, and that I sometimes visualize them with helmuts on their heads that trap the fumes (don't ask me what that might look like designwise). Fine, I could be more sensitive. My deepest truth is how strongly I desire the days when I no longer have to subject myself to this on a daily basis and instead will work in and around areas with clean, sweet, beautiful air...unless of course if it's on a movie set in an area of LA with some smog infiltration, in which case I would probably surrender this entire hang-up of mine, at least for the duration of the shoot.
The point is that feelings show up inside me all the time and it can be confusing. I had periods of numbness when I dealt with depression and didn't feel a thing besides sadness and anxiety, but that is no longer. Now, my feelings are in adobe surround sound when I'm really open and I value my emotions as important information when it comes to my ever evolving identity and attempts at getting honest with myself. I desire some things or someone one day and not the next, and try to draw conclusions about what that means. If a feeling lives inside of me I no longer say I'm Not Supposed To Feel That Way but instead ask what truth lives inside that feeling. Or, what lie? My growth is contingent upon everything felt being okay, accepted and definitely (can't hit this point hard enough) TOLERATED, even if that means using healthy ways of distracting myself temporarily before I'm ready to really look at and feel the full extent of what's going on. Whatever the feeling is in a given moment it is meant to be embraced, welcomed, honored and accepted. There is truth in the transient.
- Wayne Dyer
I am working on hearing my own truth and telling fewer lies and rationalizations to myself. The people I've learned the most from are the ones who possess a tremendous ability to be honest with themselves and others. Not mean or cruel, but honest. I aspire to find deeper truths in myself that lie dormant beneath my habitual ways of perceiving and experiencing the world.
I lie to myself all the time. Every day. I start off the day by repressing the burning desire I have to go to dance class or an acting gig as I instead get dressed to go to the office. I put on my work clothes and subconsciously whisper against my bliss, It's not that bad. The truth is it hurts me deeply to spend hours a day earning my current living in lieu of more time spent in my passions. This will change, sooner than later, but in the meantime I have to admit that I feel the pain of that each morning and stop supressing it.
I look in the mirror and lie to myself a second time when I deny the beauty of Source energy that radiates through my eyes and instead focus on the dark circles and fine lines that live around them. I perform a quick cover up of my crime against superficiality and dab under eye concealer there and anyplace else I find imperfections. The truth is that I am beautiful.
During the commute to the office, I go through an ordeal of internalized frustration and anger every single day over... the midtown east cigarette smokers. They take up the sidewalks and streets and pollute my sensitive lungs with their puffs; inevitably, by the time I get to the office, my hair smells like I was in a bar (pre-anti-smoking regulation). My personal truth is that I consider it a violation of my safety and I think public street smoking should be banned. There, I said it. :) The same way I wouldn't go up to someone and punch them on the back, thus inflicting injury (especially with how powerfully I punch nowadays, yup!) why should these strangers be allowed to injure my lungs? Am I lying to myself by exagerrating the effects of secondhand smoke? I don't think so. I can admit that in my resentment I lose all compassion for my fellow commuters, deny they have addictions, imagine that they somehow enjoy or even revel in spreading toxic fumes everywhere, and that I sometimes visualize them with helmuts on their heads that trap the fumes (don't ask me what that might look like designwise). Fine, I could be more sensitive. My deepest truth is how strongly I desire the days when I no longer have to subject myself to this on a daily basis and instead will work in and around areas with clean, sweet, beautiful air...unless of course if it's on a movie set in an area of LA with some smog infiltration, in which case I would probably surrender this entire hang-up of mine, at least for the duration of the shoot.
The point is that feelings show up inside me all the time and it can be confusing. I had periods of numbness when I dealt with depression and didn't feel a thing besides sadness and anxiety, but that is no longer. Now, my feelings are in adobe surround sound when I'm really open and I value my emotions as important information when it comes to my ever evolving identity and attempts at getting honest with myself. I desire some things or someone one day and not the next, and try to draw conclusions about what that means. If a feeling lives inside of me I no longer say I'm Not Supposed To Feel That Way but instead ask what truth lives inside that feeling. Or, what lie? My growth is contingent upon everything felt being okay, accepted and definitely (can't hit this point hard enough) TOLERATED, even if that means using healthy ways of distracting myself temporarily before I'm ready to really look at and feel the full extent of what's going on. Whatever the feeling is in a given moment it is meant to be embraced, welcomed, honored and accepted. There is truth in the transient.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Guess Who's Coming to Free the Journalists?
Today's events are very, very significant. Whether the Obama administration, in its infinite wisdom (and I'm not being sarcastic), chose and pushed for Bill Clinton to put the finishing touches on the journalists' release negotiations or if the preference was put forth by N. Korea, either way, we know that Bubba is back.
Hillary is not even watching closely from the front row DC. She's all the way over in Africa! Coincidence?
That's not all that makes this significant, though it's a start. We know that the reclusive, closed N Korean regime -- with its relentless nuclear ambitions -- is a huge threat to international security and peace on earth. We know that Bill Clinton can charm someone with peanut allergies into eating a Snickers (sorry, it's 5:30, I'm at the office and I'm famished) and that Hillary's diplomacy skills are not nearly as evolved. That's the subtext here -- I think with this move what we are seeing is a subtle displacement of the old or at the very least the insertion of a new international diplomacy mantle, this one shared between Hill and Bill.
Again, did the request for a visit from Bill come directly from Korea? Some are saying the ego maniacal, "eccentric" Kim Jung Il wanted the kind of drama and splash which wouldn't come with a Kerry, Biden or even Gore visit, at this point. If that's the case, what else does Jung Il really want and where does he want this to lead? If talks continue to evolve between the US and N Korea, with N Korea agreeing to discuss its nuclear program a bit more, would it be Bill's or Hillary's name on the back of the negotiation seat?
As the saying goes, more shall be revealed, but for the rest of the night I'll at least rejoice in the great news that the journalists Ms. Laura Ling and Ms. Euna Lee are safe, sound and on their way home.
Hillary is not even watching closely from the front row DC. She's all the way over in Africa! Coincidence?
That's not all that makes this significant, though it's a start. We know that the reclusive, closed N Korean regime -- with its relentless nuclear ambitions -- is a huge threat to international security and peace on earth. We know that Bill Clinton can charm someone with peanut allergies into eating a Snickers (sorry, it's 5:30, I'm at the office and I'm famished) and that Hillary's diplomacy skills are not nearly as evolved. That's the subtext here -- I think with this move what we are seeing is a subtle displacement of the old or at the very least the insertion of a new international diplomacy mantle, this one shared between Hill and Bill.
Again, did the request for a visit from Bill come directly from Korea? Some are saying the ego maniacal, "eccentric" Kim Jung Il wanted the kind of drama and splash which wouldn't come with a Kerry, Biden or even Gore visit, at this point. If that's the case, what else does Jung Il really want and where does he want this to lead? If talks continue to evolve between the US and N Korea, with N Korea agreeing to discuss its nuclear program a bit more, would it be Bill's or Hillary's name on the back of the negotiation seat?
As the saying goes, more shall be revealed, but for the rest of the night I'll at least rejoice in the great news that the journalists Ms. Laura Ling and Ms. Euna Lee are safe, sound and on their way home.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Timing (excerpted from Daily OM)
I just love this and had to share...
August 3, 2009
Where You Need To Be
Timing Can Be Everything
Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it’s common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.
Every person fulfills their purpose when the time is right. If you have fast-tracked to success, you may become deeply frustrated if you discover you can no longer satisfy your desires as quickly as you might like. Yet the delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived. Or the universe may have plans for you that differ from the worldly aspirations you have pursued up until this point. What you deem a postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come. If, however, you feel as though the universe is pushing you forward at too fast a clip, you may be unwittingly resisting your destiny. Your unease regarding the speed of your progress could be a sign that you need to cultivate awareness within yourself and learn to move with the flow of fate rather than against it. The universe puts nothing in your path that you are incapable of handling, so you can res! t assured that you are ready to grow into your new situation.
You may feel compelled to judge your personal success using your age, your professional position, your level of education, or the accomplishments of your peers as a yardstick. Yet we all enjoy the major milestones in our lives at the appropriate time—some realize their dreams as youngsters while others flourish only in old age. If you take pride in your many accomplishments and make the most of every circumstance in which you find yourself, your time will come.
August 3, 2009
Where You Need To Be
Timing Can Be Everything
Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it’s common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment.
Every person fulfills their purpose when the time is right. If you have fast-tracked to success, you may become deeply frustrated if you discover you can no longer satisfy your desires as quickly as you might like. Yet the delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived. Or the universe may have plans for you that differ from the worldly aspirations you have pursued up until this point. What you deem a postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come. If, however, you feel as though the universe is pushing you forward at too fast a clip, you may be unwittingly resisting your destiny. Your unease regarding the speed of your progress could be a sign that you need to cultivate awareness within yourself and learn to move with the flow of fate rather than against it. The universe puts nothing in your path that you are incapable of handling, so you can res! t assured that you are ready to grow into your new situation.
You may feel compelled to judge your personal success using your age, your professional position, your level of education, or the accomplishments of your peers as a yardstick. Yet we all enjoy the major milestones in our lives at the appropriate time—some realize their dreams as youngsters while others flourish only in old age. If you take pride in your many accomplishments and make the most of every circumstance in which you find yourself, your time will come.
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