Kaboom!

I was very happy to update my Facebook status this morning after I taught 6:30 am intenSati with the following phrase:

Lindsay broke through her teaching fears -- kaboom!

Honestly, I don't know how much more I could've taken. I've been jittery for almost two friggin months, experiencing a significant amount of negative self-talk, doubt and apprehension. I've been showing up and doing my best, yes, sometimes to positive (and other times not so positive) effect, but the amazing fun energy I possess was being sucked up by doubt. I was gritting my perfectionistic teeth and working my Sati affirmations, acting as if I can totally do it, feeling my fear and pushing through, but boy, oh, boy, I was not feeling very happy, joyous or free. Fear does that. It can be such a buzz kill!!

So, whatever led to this morning's breakthrough, I am grateful. Maybe it was the new mic, which I wore this morning for the first time, thus giving me a greater sense of ownership. Maybe it was the fact that this was my last 6:30am Wed class at Chelsea covering for Natalia, since next week I start teaching my own class at Park/33rd! I was feeling a sense of accomplishment. Maybe it's because Mercury is no longer in retrograde or it was the last day to teach the September Series. I don't know or care, frankly! Well, actually, I do care and will acknowledge that my persistence and hard work might have had something to do with this, yes. I am just grateful because I was beginning to wonder if I was going to chicken out despite my loving the practice and apparently having some intenSati teacher skilllllzzzz!

This morning, it felt like my fever broke. I'm so encouraged because I get a lot of anxiety and stage fright before I act or perform on stage or for film/TV. If I kaboom!ed through this teaching work, the same thing can happen for me as an actor. FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!

I loved looking at the full class this morning, amazed that they were doing such a sweet job at 6:30am. I felt myself wanting to encourage every student in that room to reach their edge! I'm so glad that is where my focus was today.

So, as I intended, September ends with a celebration and a smile!

The Discomfort Bridge

This is the new phase of my growth. I'm calling it discomfort tolerance and the bridge I must travel to reach new destinations of abundance, freedom and success.

I've already shared about teaching intenSati at Equinox and some of my apprehensions and self doubt. After some introspection, persistent training and getting a lot of really great feedback from others, I am feeling stronger. I also understand that what I am feeling is so common for anybody starting something out that is new. To deny it would be unhealthy, so I can just continue to feel what I feel, share about it, and do my best! As long as I am coming from a heart centered place of love and positive belief, I can't go wrong!

The next area of expansion for which I'm now willing to walk the discomfort bridge is to find my true love. I love saying that. :) After a few relationships that didn't work out, I realize that I've become averse to dating. Why? It's probably one of the least comfortable things out there! Yet, these are obvious steps I have to take because the man I marry most likely isn't going to be Fed Ex'd to my doorstep. I am proud of myself for having gone on a few dates in the last couple of weeks and I can honestly say I'm enjoying myself more than I thought I would. I think it takes time to develop a dating style and I'm working on it.

Finally, I've been and will continue to share about my career goal to be on The Daily Show. I AFFIRM MY SUCCESS AS THE NEXT FEMALE CORRESPONDENT ON THE DAILY SHOW. Sooo, among other things, I've decided I am going to try my hand at a little stand-up comedy and enroll in an improv class at UCB. Have to keep getting my feet wet and taking action steps! I've written 3 pages of material already and my brother is helping me because, well, he's funny.

That's all I've got -- I hope you are feeling inspired today and looking up with optimism! If you're not feeling that way, I hope you are taking care of yourself, breathing and trusting that "this too shall pass".

Peace and love, Lindsay

Open to Feedback, Criticism, and Loving Suggestions

I am a new Equinox Fitness intenSati teacher (www.satilife.com) and the sum total of my teaching experience in the studio is about 2 months (averaging 2 classes a week). So, when this morning's 6:30 AM class had only 9 people, down from about 30 a few weeks ago when I took the class over from another instructor (Natalia, on pregnancy leave), well, I felt like this was an indicator of my ineffectiveness as a teacher. I started thinking that I'm not good, that people aren't liking or enjoying me, and that I'm turning people off from this amazing practice!

I'm far enough into this practice to recognize my negative thought train and Slow. It. Dowwwwwwwwwwn.

There may be some areas where I need to improve, but, things may be going on in people's lives that have nothing, nada, zippo to do with me! Business travel, sickness/injury, a new cross-training regimen, etc. It would be foolish of me to think that this is "all my fault" and judge myself harshly, but that is what my saboteur mind likes to do.

So, first I will affirm that I am getting very positive feedback from people about my classes. I will affirm that I am a really strong teacher who LOVES this practice and is exactly where I am supposed to be!

I will also look at what my part is in this that could be causing the result at hand. The following list indicates where I am out of alignment and henceforth giving the Universe mixed signals about my desire to expand and manifest my inspired desires. Remembering that actions speak louder than words:

*I am still not entirely believing in myself and my abilities. That's a thought action that can yield mixed results.
*My eating has not been great and as clean as I like it to be. I've made daily food commitments/promises and I haven't been keeping them, which means that I am diminishing the power of my word.
*I'm not sleeping well. I am averaging 6 hours/night and that means I'm tired, so while I can work hard and do my best, I'm not really at my best because I'm tired! I need to go to bed earlier, period.
*I've been a little unsure about how candidly I want to speak about my experiences when I get in front of the class for the all-important share. I know that I WANT to tell it all because I believe I have an inspirational story that will help others, yet, when push comes to shove I feel afraid of being so honest. I keep doing it -- feel the fear and perservere -- but it's uncomfortable.
*I stopped doing my written affirmations and setting intentions before class and after.
*I am very judgmental and critical of my weight still and have this pervasive thought that I need to be thinner to really belong up there as a teacher/leader, so I'm not bringing "I love my body" into the class if the first thought I have when I get up there is "wow, you still need to lose that belly fat, come on!"
*I can do a MUCH better job getting to know my students -- their names, their interests, etc. -- and welcoming newcomers to the practice. I am really enjoying getting to know the few ones I am speaking with before/after class, through email, so let's keep doing that.
*I can do more to reach out to people and invite them to class through email and Facebook!!

Maybe there's more. Maybe my cueing is a little confusing, my music choices don't get people going as much as I'd like, I don't know...So, I affirm that I am OPEN to the Universe telling me exactly what I need to hear, so I can adjust and be the best teacher I can be for me and my students, YES!!! I am also OPEN to learning what is not in my control and appreciating that I don't have to take everything personally!

I guess this leads me to the serenity prayer, with which I will close:

G'd grant me the serenity*
to accept the things I cannot change**
the courage to change the things I can***
and the wisdom to know the difference****

Thank you for reading!! SEE YOU IN MY AMAZING, POWERFUL, UPLIFTING, LINDSPIRATIONAL INTENSATI CLASSES!! :)~L

September
6:30 AM Wed/Fri at Chelsea Equinox (17th St/10th Ave)
10:30 AM Saturday in Central Park (email centralpark.intensati@gmail.com to RSVP)

October
7AM Wednesday at ParkAve/33rd Equinox
6:30AM Friday at Chelsea Equinox (17th St/10th Ave)
10:30 PM Saturday in Central Park (email centralpark.intensati@gmail.com to RSVP)
12:45 PM Saturday at Lexington/63rd Equinox

Guest passes available for all Equinox classes and CP intenSati is free, just RSVP!

Maureen Dowd on Women and Happiness

Maureen Dowd writes about women and happiness in today's New York Times:

The more important things that are crowded into their lives, the less attention women are able to give to each thing. Add this to the fact that women are hormonally more complicated and biologically more vulnerable. Women are much harder on themselves than men. They tend to attach to other people more strongly, beat themselves up more when they lose attachments, take things more personally at work and pop far more antidepressants. “Women have lives that become increasingly empty,” Buckingham said. “They’re doing more and feeling less.” Another daunting thing: America is more youth and looks obsessed than ever, with an array of expensive cosmetic procedures that allow women to be their own Frankenstein Barbies.

I do not even know what to make of this, honestly. Here's what I emailed my friend:

The more important things that are crowded into their lives, the less attention women are able to give to each thing (TRUE BUT MEN ARE EQUALLY OVERSCHEDULED JUST FEEL LESS OBLIGATIONS TO DOMESTIC SPHERE). Add this to the fact that women are hormonally more complicated (ONLY A LIABILITY IF YOU MAKE IT ONE) and biologically more vulnerable (COMPLETELY SEXIST PERSPECTIVE). Women are much harder on themselves than men (NOT TRUE). They tend to attach to other people more strongly (WOMEN ATTACH TO PEOPLE, MEN ATTACH TO GOALS), beat themselves up more when they lose attachments(?), take things more personally at work (PROBABLY BECAUSE MOST WORKPLACES ARE STILL SEXIST) and pop far more antidepressants (OVERPRESCRIBED). “Women have lives that become increasingly empty,” Buckingham said. “They’re doing more and feeling less.” (FEELING LESS HAPPINESS?) Another daunting thing: America is more youth and looks obsessed than ever, with an array of expensive cosmetic procedures that allow (SHE SHOULD’VE SAID “PRESSURE”) women to be their own Frankenstein Barbies.

The happiest women I know have a few things in common:

1. They've pretty much tuned out most of the media garbage that is out there, particularly content that exploits women, creates unrealistic standards of beauty for women or makes women appear stupid and uninformed.
2. If they are married with children, they have learned to separate themselves from the emotions of their kids and husband, thus creating very non-co-dependent relationships with their loved ones.
3. If they work full time, they love their work. I mean, really, really love it and feel a strong sense of purpose.
4. If they are married, they have partners who really support their work and hobbies, even if they don't understand either or both.
5. They work out but are not gym rats.
6. They mind their appearances but aren't obsessive about their looks and have freed themselves by finding what works for them. My mom loves to wear make up. She's rarely without it. I know a few women who never put anything on their faces but moisturizer. Either way, they just like their routine and it works so they don't question it any longer nor do they have too much drama about aging, since they aren't trying to fight it anymore.
7.They are activists. They are not just sitting back and watching life happen. Rather, they are, in some way/shape/form, working to influence the world in a way that lines up with their ideals.
8. They believe in a power greater than themselves, usually spiritual in nature.
9. They are optimistic and if the choice exists to focus on the glass being half full or half empty, well, you know what they choose to the best of their abilities.
10. They are gentle and compassionate. They understand feelings and the sensitivities of human beings, men and women, and by healing themselves and past pain, they move through the world capable of healing others by demonstrating patience and calm.

I don't know too many women like this, honestly, but they are out there. Some have a few of these aspects. I just wrote recently to a friend that I am feeling spread thin like pancake batter on a hot skillet. This is true. Balance is so important and as the weather changes and fall ushers in tomorrow, I am looking for certain things to fall away that suck my time and energy so that I am more at peace. I really hope that women are going to transcend the funk that Maureen (and statistical data) suggest women are in. We so deserve it. We work very, very hard.

Action Steps

We've all heard the phrase, "actions speak louder than words". How many times have you said I'm sorry, only to repeat the exact same transgression? Maybe you've said I love you, and then gone on to treat your beloved with disrespect or even malice. That's not to say you don't really feel apologetic or love in either case, but it's so important to see whether actions line up with the truth we're professing, right? Assuming we really do feel and mean what we say.

I'm in a state of transition. I mean, we all are, much of the time, but I am very eagerly seeking a way to expand my life so that I am working full time in my passions. I have been pursuing a performing arts career but what I've realized lately is that I have a huge passion for the mind-body fitness with affirmations practice I do, called intenSati, and I want to bring this work to populations outside of the gym. intenSati has already been introduced to clinical settings, including the Joyful Heart Foundation, which is an organization that serves women who are survivors of domestic violence. I've co-lead classes with treatment providers who work in this sector. Where I want to go is into hospitals, so I can help patients with physical and emotional disorders find their way to feeling better.

I have a history of depression and anxiety that is quite complicated and, well, dramatic. This fall will be the 4 year anniversary of the last time I was hospitalized for major depression and an eating disorder. Yes, I was hospitalized multiple times throughout my 20s. I share this because I feel it is part of my life's purpose to help inspire people who are facing what I survived -- I want to help uplift spirits and encourage recovery to people whose lives have become shrouded in darkness, sickness and hopelessness.

Life is short and we are here and gone in a flicker. Yet, when you're suffering through the murky waters of depression, anxiety and related states, it feels like a long, endless, exhausting road that will never end. It feels like slow motion. It also feels like a black and white film with a circuitous plot that goes nowhere.

The action steps that I need to take include getting myself out into the world of complementary and integrative medicine by pitching hospitals, clinics and centers, writing strong intention affirmations that ask for new opportunities, writing more about my story so people know where I'm coming from and why I am so passionate and sincere about this kind of work, and perhaps most importantly getting over the stigma that I attach to my experience.

Of course, there is nothing of which to be ashamed. It is not a weakness to feel helpless and it is a sign of tremendous inner strength to face it and recover. A psychiatrist I once saw told me I would be on psych drugs forever, should try a very stable, low-stress career (he suggested teaching but I know a bunch of teachers who would beg to differ and I agree with them!), and resign to the fact I will have a hard life dealing with persistent emotional instability and irrational behaviors. Now, while I am not the picture of perfect mental health today, I am SOOOOOO much better than I was. If you are new to this blog and don't know me that well, I can tell you that I work full time, am independent, very successful and consider myself emotional within the realm of what most people consider normal for sensitive artist, which I also am. I act, sing, write poetry, dance, and appreciate life with the kind of sensitivity that many people envy, I'm told. Not that I am looking to inspire envy in people, but you know what I mean, I hope. I am tuned in and for that, I am very grateful.

In the interest of never underestimating my own recovery or potential to thrive, I establish today as a turning point for me. One where I am officially taking action to fulfill a promise that I made when I was in a hospital years ago, watching the sad, stoned eyes of patients mired in disease, that if I EVER got to the point where I was standing on my own two, beautiful feet again, that I would get out there and help people like me and them who need someone to a: fight on their behalf for sensitive and humane treatment; b: be a source of uplift and inspiration that full recovery is possible c: help remove the stigma attached to what we currently call "mental illness".

Thank you for reading and if you have comments that you can't post here for any reason, please feel free to email me at davis.lindsay@gmail.com.

Memories of 9/11 and The Present

To be a New Yorker today is to be part of something greater than yourself. It is to be emotional. It is to be sensitive to the feelings of others who may have lost loved ones. It is to be inspired by the memories of how how our city came together. It is to be hopeful we will enjoy continued peace and protection from terrorists. It is to be and believe that what happened on 9/11/2001, no matter how horrific and tragic, was for a reason or at least led to the evolution of our planet, somehow...

This morning my cab driver, a true, Jamaican rastafarian, started talking to me about where he was on 9/11. His wife was working near the towers. She called him after the first plane hit and he went down immediately to find her, she was out of her building alive. Together, they watched people jumping to their deaths. Then, he told me, it was a trip to the liquor store for some Jamaican rum to get high and pass out.

I was working at New York Magazine. I was photocopying "The Best Doctors In New York" because we ran out of back issues. It was eerily quiet. The office had gathered around a television after the first plane hit, but nobody had told me. So I found out when I intuited something was happening and went for a walk. Then we all watched the second plane hit. My uncle had been living on Pine Street and I became hysterical when we connected on the phone and he told me he was stuck in his building and looking at smoke outside his window. He emerged unharmed. I was living at my parents' home on Long Island at the time, so after I left the office I met up with my cousin whose apartment on 78th and 3rd would become home base. I'll never forget we stopped in the grocery store and stood in a huge line. People were buying food -- I guess we all thought we'd be shacked up a few days while the world collapsed -- and I'll never forget I was on this crazy strict diet and so I filled our cart with frozen blueberries and containers of cottage cheese, all the while staring in a daze at other people's peanut butter, bread, cookies and ice cream. So strange, the things we do, the things we remember...

A short side-bar I wrote for New York Magazine was published in the wake of 9/11 on 10/1/01, in the issue with Rudy Giuliani on the cover. New Yorkers may remember it. It featured Rudy as a cartoon of Uncle Sam and the headline, "I Want You to Save New York". My piece recommended "great gifts for the bridal party" and I'm not sure how many people cared to read that kind of fare just weeks after 9/11. A few years later, by a strange twist of fate, I got a job at Rudy's private consulting firm as an executive assistant. I was at this point an actor/freelance writer and temping, but then I went full time. No matter what you want to say about Rudy Giuliani, and don't even get me started on how I feel about the way he ran his presidential campaign and how much I think he became a caricature of himself, he was an outstanding leader on that day and in the subsequent months.

I'm grateful for my experience working for his firm. I was there a little over two years and quit right after his failed presidential run. While there, I was the Executive Assistant to Pat D'Amuro, a retired FBI Assistant who, previous to joining Rudy's firm, was the Assistant Director in Charge of the NY office. He actually led the 9/11 investigation. He was/is an expert on Al Qaeda, Hizbollah and all the other terrorist groups with which we have to contend. A very intriguing presence. Personally, I used to get anxiety attacks post-9/11 and didn't fly for almost 5 years. I had total doomsday scenario thinking. Yet, after I started working at Giuliani's firm, I learned courage and got back to the world again. The threat we face, I learned, is a part of life. We choose to live in a fantastic city, one which is richer than rich in all walks of abundance, and yes, we are living under the threat of another heinous attack every day. So, I think we are all courageous for choosing to be here and fortunate we are being protected by men and women who devote their lives to this cause. They are passionate people.

Here we are 8 years later. Like so many in New York and around the world, my heart really goes out to the families who lost loved ones on 9/11, the soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan, all law enforcement and government officials fighting the good fight, and for anybody who might still be possessed by fear and unable to let go of what happened and live free in the present. We are all being guided to this perfect present and again, we are all courageous for choosing to live it out.

The Examined Stories

Today I read Byron Katie's "Loving What Is", which is a book about examining thoughts, particularly the ones which cause suffering because they are rooted in falsehoods and assumptions or simply cause very negative emotional reactions. Suffering in this case is feeling pain and disconnected from a loving compassionate state. Her method -- appropos to today's holiday, Labor Day -- is something she calls"The Work". It involves asking yourself 4 questions in response to a thought. They are:

*Is is true?
*Can you absolutely know that it's true?
*How do you react when you think that thought?
*Who would you be without the thought?

Then you do this thing called "the turnaround" which involves changing the object of your thought and the meaning of it so it more closely aligns with your personal truth.

You must be eager for an example.

One of the thoughts I recognize for its SP (suffering power) is in the area of relationships. I am single and have had an incredibly difficult time accepting this and having peace around it with patience and faith that I will eventually meet my soul mate and life partner.

To put it simply, here's the thought:

I AM SINGLE AND IT SUCKS AND I'M PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO MEET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
*Is it true? Well, I am single, that is true. Does it really suck? Am I NEVER going to meet the love of my life. That's not truth because I have no way of knowing it. I might argue that it does suck.
*Can I absolutely know that it's true? Again, I am single that's absolutely true. Probably the "suckage" factor of it is in my head and there are great things about being single that I'm not focused on. So, no, it's not true that it sucks. Rather, I'm story-telling it is as something that sucks.
*How do I react when I think that thought? I get depressed, I overeat, I get impatient with men I date, I feel angry, I become a VICTIM. I get uneasy around couples, I don't date much because I don't want to be bothered, I often go through the whole mishagas about needing to be thinner and younger, and perhaps the most self-destructive aspect of my thinking is when I do date or spend time with a man I like, I immediately project onto him my desire for a long term partner and the moment becomes lost entirely to my fantasies.
*Who would I be without the thought? I would be happier and I would feel less pain in my body. I would be someone who lives in the moment without having to define every blip on my dating radar. I would be a more empowered and confident woman.

Now, the turnaround. Katie calls turnarounds "your prescription for health, peace and happiness." Here are my 3:

** I am single and I enjoy it and I probably AM going to meet the love of my life. Why not me? :)

** I am single and I am willing to deal with it and the occasional suckage but mainly overall it doesn't suck. I have free time to develop my career, I have the opportunity to really figure out who I am and what I want in this life, I am learning skills that support my independence, I can travel, I have no obligations other than to take care of myself and honestly, that is exactly who I should be taking care of at this point in time - ME - because I'm a handful.

** I am single and as I await the love of my life with an open heart I can be the love of my own life and by extension of that be a loving, compassionate presence in the world. I am doing this already for the most part -- although 3 days ago I gave a van driver in midtown the finger after he almost hit me, but that doesn't happen very often -- and I am a more balanced, happier and healthier person than I was when I was in my last relationship about 9 months ago.

Truth is, this work is really quite liberating. Is it true? What a place to start when dealing with all these assumptions flying around in my head. It's amazing, really.

On an entirely different note, I just want to share that if you're looking for...

***A healthy snack? Try an apple with 2 T flax seed and a little honey -- soooo yummy.
***A way to have a wonderful mind-body fitness experience out in nature? Try Central Park intenSati with me on Saturday at 10:30 AM. Email centralpark.intensati@gmail.com for more info.
***Someone to cheer for in this year's US Open? Try Melanie Oudin who is 17 years old and advancing like lightening. She's amazing!
***A great place for brunch in NYC? Try Whym.
***A new musician to hear? Try Jennie Walker.
***An illustrator whose pictures will make you smile and amaze you? Try Norn Custon.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this LINDSPIRATION!

Yes, it's a Celebration!!

Hi! I taught intenSati at Equinox in Chelsea this morning and it felt like my strongest class yet. The class was so into it and we all were in synch the whole time!!! :)

I started off by sharing how grateful I am that I am in touch with what I believe are inspired desires. I used to desire things that were not for my highest good -- extra junk food, unhealthy relationships that provided extreme highs and lows, and spending a lot of time alone. Things have shifted for me internally and now I have desires that are really much healthier and more powerful! I want to be successful in my life and I want my work to inspire and uplift others! I want to be in great shape and healthy! I want to be successful as a performing artist, intenSati teacher and writer!

So, the celebration begins with gratitude for simply being aware of what you want! If you're not sure what you want or whether it's inspired, just ask the Universe (or your Highest Self, whatever works for you!) and trust that you'll get an answer. Then be open to signs and things that make you feel alive inside!

One more thing -- I recently did an incredible videography project that involved dancing inside one NYC's most well-known museums (sorry, I can't be more specific than that) and it was just an awesome experience. It was an affirmation of my desire to dance my heart out and spend time in the presence of art that is beautiful. In a million years, I never could've predicted I would land in such a situation. A lot of things have been happening like that lately and I feel it's because I hold the desire and the belief, then I let the Universe go to work.

Have an amazing day and if you are celebrating any passions today, I'd love to hear about it below (you can comment anonymously or not, whichever!)! THANKS for reading! xoxo