In an intenSati class, we vocalize and verbalize powerful words, expressions and affirmations. We are loud! We are enthusiastic! We externalize and look to inspire uplift in ourselves and others. Through our own verbal persuasions, we guide ourselves right into an invigorating, high intensity workout and experience.
I've noticed, lately, how equally important it is for me to find time to be in a very quiet place. The urge is bigger I think because the more I teach and put myself out there, taking risks to be in front of people and giving my all, the more there is a need to counterbalance this exertion. I need to let all the words and expressions melt away so that all which remains is stillness in which I uncover how I feel. If I'm not doing this, I miss cues. I miss that I'm tired, that I'm run down, that something feels incomplete which needs closure -- then, I don't take care of myself as well. How could I when I don't hear my own self asking?
I've spent a long time listening to others in my efforts to seek wisdom, guidance and direction. I've been blessed with people who can articulate themselves and their opinions, and I've listened and applied advice for many years. I've subscribed to programs, disciplines and philosophies. I've read authors whose language is a blend of other authors I've read, theirs an amalgam of still others, people fusing, funneling and channeling what is often the same message. It is fascinating to think about which voices resonated for me at various times in my life and wonder why.
Now, as I move into the new year, I believe what I am finding is my own voice. When I was in college, I saw a nutritionist named Carolyn Hodges who was treating all the people in the Ithaca and Elmira area who had eating disorders. I'll never forget what she told me -- she said that if I'm going to get better, if I'm really going to recover from this, I'm going to have to find my own voice and let it out. I'm going to have to speak my truth to myself and others. I thought this sounded trite and simplistic at the time (I was 18 and a freshman at Cornell, wondering
what some upstate nutritionist without a PhD or MD degree could tell me). Little did I know how valuable that statement was and boy did I learn a lot from Carolyn.
It's more than just knowing what's best for myself, which truly only I can know. It's also about letting go of prescriptions from people about how to look, feel and act.
When I am quiet, in meditation, I can focus on my heart and ask for relief from suffering, the suffering I generate and create.
Right here right now, in the quiet place, I hear this:
You are precious wonder
You are sweetheart sweet and salt of the earth
You are powerful
You are here and welcome to be whoever you want to be
You are full of love, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, lover
Love
You are independent
You are free
You are no longer a prisoner to anything, anybody
You are a survivor
Trust who you are and stop worrying, it's really all OK
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Momentum
I feel
like I am my own motion
detector
determining what works
staying put where my feet
are grounded
for the moment
looking for flashes
one
fix
wonders
realizing that few things worth changing or having
happen that way
at
all
the
flittering, twittering, upending, uprooting, traveling
doesn't bring me any closer to what I need to learn
but
staying still
committed
to people, places, programs, ideas, processes, stories
suggestions
is what allows
something deep
truthful
precious
or, surprising
to
emerge.
like I am my own motion
detector
determining what works
staying put where my feet
are grounded
for the moment
looking for flashes
one
fix
wonders
realizing that few things worth changing or having
happen that way
at
all
the
flittering, twittering, upending, uprooting, traveling
doesn't bring me any closer to what I need to learn
but
staying still
committed
to people, places, programs, ideas, processes, stories
suggestions
is what allows
something deep
truthful
precious
or, surprising
to
emerge.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
24 Hour Transformation
Last night, while in Jubilee (the overpriced supermarket where I shop for groceries), I held a pumpkin pie. I had the thought that I wanted to eat the pie. Not a piece -- the whole pie. Forget about the fact this was probably an old, Thanksgiving leftover. Forget about the fact that eating an entire pie would leave me in a sugar coma. Forget about the fact that whatever emotional pain I was feeling, that I thought could be cured by PIE, would come back the next morning heightened by the fact that I HAD JUST EATEN A PUMPKIN PIE.
This was a very scary moment for me. Why? Well, for one thing, based on my history with eating disorders, a one pie episode would likely lead to compensatory purging behavior and, likely, many more episodes. There's something known as "the vicious cycle" that only someone struggling with an addictive behavior can understand. It pulls you in like quicksand until your mind begins to rationalize that this is really a good choice under the circumstances or the only choice you can make. You realize that your power to choose feels like it has been thrown entirely under a bus.
When I think about what led to that moment last night, I really shouldn't be surprised. I was sleep deprived, having taught at 6:30am that morning. I had a long, very busy day at work that finished at 6pm. I felt lonely -- it was the first night of Chanukah and I wasn't with family (I was going to meet friends for a Chanukah service but bailed because I felt so tired.). And, I was colllllllld. It was freezing out and I live near the Hudson River, so my walk home often involves braving what feels like a gale force wind. All of that led to the thought. Pie. Good idea. Have it.
I just want to share how I got out of it. I did resort to food, somewhat. I ate a really big salad and it was very bulky, and I dressed it with what I definitely think was too much olive oil. I have this shitty I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray and while a few pumps on my oatmeal can be alright, I think I used half a bottle on my chicken. It was pretty gross. I felt bloated after but I was grateful that this was the "worse" damage I did, because it was my best effort to act lovingly when I was feeling low.
I reached out to some friends who are also recovering from food issues and got some really good support. I felt some relief just in sharing from my heart. Simple.
I looked around my apartment -- a mess -- and I said it's OK, you can take care of it tomorrow. When I give myself pressure to be productive 24 HOURS A DAY, including while I sleep (since I expect to have dreams that reveal something that will help me in my life), well, that is a boatload of pressure. Not necessary. It is so important for me to have down time. I watched the Daily Show and didn't laugh as much as I usually do, but I did start laughing.
I couldn't explain my mood and I didn't try.
I woke up today feeling better but not great and actually allowed myself something I enjoy that's better than binge eating on a leftover supermarket pastry. I had a pumpkin yogurt muffin for breakfast with a really hot, strong cup of coffee.
I showed up to my intenSati class at 9AM ready to do my best. The process of teaching when I don't feel great at the start of class is always challenging but pretty amazing, since I go through the same kind of transformation I used to experience as a student. I had so much gratitude by the time I was done and then I made a phone call to another really supportive friend. She was a great reminder to just treat myself gently and without the old "beat myself up with a bat" mechanism that's linked to perfectionism. Then, by 12:45pm for my second class, I felt so great. So, I used that energy to lead what I think was a really awesome class. Again, I felt really, really grateful.
I had lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. We studied acting together about a year ago, that's how we met and we had performed a scene from "Rabbit Hole". Today, we reminisced about the work we did, the fun we had and what we learned. I felt really happy catching her up on what's been going on in my life and I realized how different things are now and how grateful I feel.
Well, I was feeling pretty good after that but I thought, Hey, walking through Central Park would also help this effort so I did. I saw the ice skaters in Wollman Rink and watched the happy kids playing in the playground. I listened to groups of tourists speaking French, Italian and German all in about a 20 foot vicinity. I paused and sat on a rock and meditated for 10 minutes, asking in my meditation for help letting go, trusting and slowing down.
Then I got my eyebrows waxed. :)
By the time I got home at around 6pm, I realized I had done a 180 and was in such a different place than last night. It took work, definitely. That's what I need to do and I'm grateful I know it.
Now, remember that room I mentioned? Mine. The one's that messy. Well, I'm going to go clean it!!!!!! I think this post was particularly long because I've been procrastinating but I will harness all my power and strength to do it, Yes! :) Thanks for reading and wishing you the very best.
xLindsay
This was a very scary moment for me. Why? Well, for one thing, based on my history with eating disorders, a one pie episode would likely lead to compensatory purging behavior and, likely, many more episodes. There's something known as "the vicious cycle" that only someone struggling with an addictive behavior can understand. It pulls you in like quicksand until your mind begins to rationalize that this is really a good choice under the circumstances or the only choice you can make. You realize that your power to choose feels like it has been thrown entirely under a bus.
When I think about what led to that moment last night, I really shouldn't be surprised. I was sleep deprived, having taught at 6:30am that morning. I had a long, very busy day at work that finished at 6pm. I felt lonely -- it was the first night of Chanukah and I wasn't with family (I was going to meet friends for a Chanukah service but bailed because I felt so tired.). And, I was colllllllld. It was freezing out and I live near the Hudson River, so my walk home often involves braving what feels like a gale force wind. All of that led to the thought. Pie. Good idea. Have it.
I just want to share how I got out of it. I did resort to food, somewhat. I ate a really big salad and it was very bulky, and I dressed it with what I definitely think was too much olive oil. I have this shitty I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray and while a few pumps on my oatmeal can be alright, I think I used half a bottle on my chicken. It was pretty gross. I felt bloated after but I was grateful that this was the "worse" damage I did, because it was my best effort to act lovingly when I was feeling low.
I reached out to some friends who are also recovering from food issues and got some really good support. I felt some relief just in sharing from my heart. Simple.
I looked around my apartment -- a mess -- and I said it's OK, you can take care of it tomorrow. When I give myself pressure to be productive 24 HOURS A DAY, including while I sleep (since I expect to have dreams that reveal something that will help me in my life), well, that is a boatload of pressure. Not necessary. It is so important for me to have down time. I watched the Daily Show and didn't laugh as much as I usually do, but I did start laughing.
I couldn't explain my mood and I didn't try.
I woke up today feeling better but not great and actually allowed myself something I enjoy that's better than binge eating on a leftover supermarket pastry. I had a pumpkin yogurt muffin for breakfast with a really hot, strong cup of coffee.
I showed up to my intenSati class at 9AM ready to do my best. The process of teaching when I don't feel great at the start of class is always challenging but pretty amazing, since I go through the same kind of transformation I used to experience as a student. I had so much gratitude by the time I was done and then I made a phone call to another really supportive friend. She was a great reminder to just treat myself gently and without the old "beat myself up with a bat" mechanism that's linked to perfectionism. Then, by 12:45pm for my second class, I felt so great. So, I used that energy to lead what I think was a really awesome class. Again, I felt really, really grateful.
I had lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. We studied acting together about a year ago, that's how we met and we had performed a scene from "Rabbit Hole". Today, we reminisced about the work we did, the fun we had and what we learned. I felt really happy catching her up on what's been going on in my life and I realized how different things are now and how grateful I feel.
Well, I was feeling pretty good after that but I thought, Hey, walking through Central Park would also help this effort so I did. I saw the ice skaters in Wollman Rink and watched the happy kids playing in the playground. I listened to groups of tourists speaking French, Italian and German all in about a 20 foot vicinity. I paused and sat on a rock and meditated for 10 minutes, asking in my meditation for help letting go, trusting and slowing down.
Then I got my eyebrows waxed. :)
By the time I got home at around 6pm, I realized I had done a 180 and was in such a different place than last night. It took work, definitely. That's what I need to do and I'm grateful I know it.
Now, remember that room I mentioned? Mine. The one's that messy. Well, I'm going to go clean it!!!!!! I think this post was particularly long because I've been procrastinating but I will harness all my power and strength to do it, Yes! :) Thanks for reading and wishing you the very best.
xLindsay
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Trust the Stream
I've been listening to "The Astonishing Power of Emotions" by Esther and Jerry Hicks. They have a really useful metaphor that helps me with letting go. They suggest imagining yourself in a canoe on a river. You're heading downstream with no effort at all -- you are not responsible for the rowing or navigating. All you have to do is trust this special stream because it guides you, safely, to exactly where you need to go. It has your best life and well-being in its care.
I am also making very good use of the tool known as creative visualizations. I have a list of promises that I want to manifest in my life. So, in the privacy of my own home, I close my eyes and awaken with all my senses a picture in my mind's eye of something I want to bring to fruition. This morning, for instance, I imagined my intenSati classes thriving with happy, inspired students who love and enjoy the practice as much as I do! I could hear the music, see the colors of their outfits, and most importantly I was able to release the visualization with trust and faith.
Finally, I want to share two exciting things related to my intenSati teaching. Early next year I will be teaching intenSati for a few days at a resort in Negril, Jamaica called "Couples". Also, I was approached by the large and thriving singles organization called Meet Market (www.meetmarket.com) to organize some kind of Central Park intenSati singles event in the Spring. Fun, right?! I'm excited. I'm sure both will be a joyful and fun time for all! I will provide details if you're in a couple or single and want to attend either or both!! :)
I am also making very good use of the tool known as creative visualizations. I have a list of promises that I want to manifest in my life. So, in the privacy of my own home, I close my eyes and awaken with all my senses a picture in my mind's eye of something I want to bring to fruition. This morning, for instance, I imagined my intenSati classes thriving with happy, inspired students who love and enjoy the practice as much as I do! I could hear the music, see the colors of their outfits, and most importantly I was able to release the visualization with trust and faith.
Finally, I want to share two exciting things related to my intenSati teaching. Early next year I will be teaching intenSati for a few days at a resort in Negril, Jamaica called "Couples". Also, I was approached by the large and thriving singles organization called Meet Market (www.meetmarket.com) to organize some kind of Central Park intenSati singles event in the Spring. Fun, right?! I'm excited. I'm sure both will be a joyful and fun time for all! I will provide details if you're in a couple or single and want to attend either or both!! :)
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Finish Strong affirmations
Hi! Well, I am 1 week into teaching my "Finish Strong" intenSati series (www.satilife.com) and I am absolutely loving it! I really built on what I learned last month and now I am more relaxed and confident and I am connecting with more students. I feel like I am making a very positive difference in their lives! I talk a lot about the meaning of strength during my intro's -- emotional resilience, patience, being able to accept whatever is happening in life. The upper body series is challenging, very high energy and exciting! The lower body portion feels like a beautiful flow and by the closing meditation my heart feels soft, every single class. It's really sweet.
Finish Strong
I am powerful
I am passionate
Yes
I have heart
I focus on allowing
I finish what I start
I am playing full out without any doubt
Every single day
I had it all along
I FINISH STRONG!
I believe
I will receive
all the love
that I need
I embrace
my life
and surrender.
My strength
and compassion
set me free.
Ahhhhh. I am so grateful. xoxo
Finish Strong
I am powerful
I am passionate
Yes
I have heart
I focus on allowing
I finish what I start
I am playing full out without any doubt
Every single day
I had it all along
I FINISH STRONG!
I believe
I will receive
all the love
that I need
I embrace
my life
and surrender.
My strength
and compassion
set me free.
Ahhhhh. I am so grateful. xoxo
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Finish Strong!
Hi everybody! I'm excited to let you know that the theme for my intenSati classes this month is FINISH STRONG! Back in January of 2009, I was over-the-moon excited with Patricia's SHINE series. The first affirmation was "2009, I'm gonna shine! Ain't no stopping me now!" Well, it's been quite a year and I've hit some incredible milestones and I can truly say I AM SHINING! I want to keep building momentum through the end of the the month and finish on a strong, high, positive note!!
I encourage you to think about motivating yourself now to work towards your goals right through the end of the year and to affirm just how strong you are because then, when it comes to setting New Year's resolutions and new goals for the exciting year ahead, you'll have some positive NRG and steam in your engine!!!
This is also a nod to Lance Amstrong's LIVE STRONG theme, as he is a true inspiration to me and two loved ones of mine who surived testicular cancer.
I invite you to try intenSati! I have free guest passes for ALL my classes and you are most welcome to come down and bring friends! Check out the right side of this page for my full DECEMBER schedule with more classes to come in JANUARY!
I encourage you to think about motivating yourself now to work towards your goals right through the end of the year and to affirm just how strong you are because then, when it comes to setting New Year's resolutions and new goals for the exciting year ahead, you'll have some positive NRG and steam in your engine!!!
This is also a nod to Lance Amstrong's LIVE STRONG theme, as he is a true inspiration to me and two loved ones of mine who surived testicular cancer.
I invite you to try intenSati! I have free guest passes for ALL my classes and you are most welcome to come down and bring friends! Check out the right side of this page for my full DECEMBER schedule with more classes to come in JANUARY!
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