Hi, well, it took me a week to sort out some of my feelings about blogging and sharing personally in this space.
I've decided that the process is scary but what makes it worth it is I feel part of a community of other writers and readers who want to grow, learn, create, explore, inspire, receive and give. Thanks to some of your comments and emails, I am confident my voice is appreciated and giving readers valuable information and inspiration. So, we're all good!
Two incredibly important goals I have right now are:
1. To improve, grow, thrive and succeed as an intenSati instructor. Next month, I'll be teaching on Monday mornings and then Saturday afternoons and then I'm also teaching Patricia's Monday evening and Saturday morning classes at Columbus Circle. Double duty two days a week!! That's a sweet challenge!! So, my focus must be on taking excellent care of my body, keeping myself in alignment and doing all I can do so I am the BEST teacher I can be. That is my intention.
2. To kick ass this weekend in the play I'm performing in. I am acting in a very funny 10-minute comedic short. I want to be brilliant, hilarious, line perfect, spontaneous, improvisational, fun and totally 100% committed to the character and the story. I know I can do it and I want to go into this performance fully prepared with excitement and gratitude. That is my intention.
This morning in class, I taught the affirmation "I am honest with myself. I'm letting go." It matched the intenSati actions GRATITUDE and SURRENDER. I love that combination, that we can go in the direction of self honesty from a place of gratitude for the intention already fulfilled. It's like saying Thank You for the truth which I know will surface if I am patient, if I am quiet, if I breathe, if I wait. Also, just being grateful takes the sting out of certain truths which could be hard to swallow. For example, a truth I (re)discovered recently is that I still turn to crutches when I feel afraid -- food, sex, Facebook, outside validation/approval, and my parents. While rehearsing for the show I'm in this weekend, my god, that moment of taking out the script, I swear, I've dodged it more than I care to admit just because I'm afraid to dive into the process. With gratitude, I can accept these truths about myself and take actions so I no longer procrastinate or use crutches when I feel fear.
As for letting go and surrendering, well, all I can say is, simply, it's really hard. I let go of the man I was seeing because we were no longer on the same page -- my wants were for a deepening of our relationship while his were not -- and the letting go has been so hard. Really. I miss him more than I thought I would. I miss things I didn't think I would miss, how is that? It is like releasing patterns and habits that my body got used to during the time we spent together. I am tempted to go back and accept not being on my terms but I can't and won't because I know it will bring me more disappointment then my heart can handle at this point. Plus, it may satisfy temptation (temporarily) but will ultimately just distract me from focusing on my life. What makes this LETTING GO worth it, I guess, is I will be more serene and strong as I honor my personal truth. It may take some time but practicing acceptance will mean less of a gut wrenching tug of war between me and my circumstances. As I've shared here, if someone else doesn't want to behave or act a certain way, it's pretty pointless to try and change them. Conversely, the only way I can change or grow is by releasing the control reins (the ones I fashion myself having but don't really) and just taking care of my business. This is the information that eases codependency -- it's the mantra "live and let live".
I wish you an empowered day with serenity, honesty and acceptance. xo