Diving In

Well, I called it, didn't I? I said it's Face the Truth February so it's high time I go for the deep stuff. I never know when I start writing where it's going to lead or if I'm going to post all, part or none of what comes out. There is a freedom for me in allowing myself that space. I am conscious of my power of choice.

I am also conscious over areas in my life where I am powerless and trying to control what is NOT MINE to control. That is the essence of the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am dating a man who I really enjoy and care about. The problem is I have this very deep desire for a relationship and he doesn't. Or, if he does, it's precluded by other commitments in his life, personal and professional. Either way, he doesn't give me all that I want. I stopped seeing him because I thought I would be settling if I continued. Then, I missed him so much and changed my mind. I went back to him, thinking I can meet these needs myself (or through my incredible network of friends) instead of relying on him. I said to myself: I can also learn to live with less, I am probably too wanty anyway, what with all this desire pumping I do in class, I'm probably just deluding myself into thinking I need more from this man than I really do. He could be fun, we can have fun together, but I don't need more. He really cares about me so much that probably if I'm just more patient it really will deepen. It will progress. I'll get the relationship I want in the end. It's got to happen that way because I am such a good person and loving and deserve it, so why wouldn't it have a happy ending if I'm just patient. Yes, patience is what I have to learn here.

Well, I feel awful. I want to want less from him.

Is there any way that can be an empowered thought or statement? One reflecting self respect? I thought my job is to identify what I want, establish if I'm asking for too much but if I'm not, going out and getting it. So, in this case, how much is too much? Do I NEED him to tell me he loves me? No. Do I WANT him to? Yes. Do I need him to be the one who helps me fall asleep when I'm so overtired and exhausted I don't want to brush my teeth and the song in my head replays "just stay in bed for 2 days, who cares?" NO. Do I WANT him to?

Yes.

Do I need HIM to be the one with whom I cram in all the Oscar nominated films I missed before the big ceremony? NO. Do I have a gazillion friends who I can do this with? Of course, yes. But I want it to be him. The list goes on and on. I want to cook with him, but I can cook alone. I want to read poetry with him, but I can do that alone, too. I want to watch stupid shows on TV but I can do that with friends.

I want to be stronger so I can just enjoy the times we do spend together, but then when I look at couples that have what I share with this man (presumably) but on TOP of that they are IN LOVE, I'm like, WAITAMINUTE, I WANT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wtf.

I am building self respect. That's one of this month's affirmations. Step by step. I am building self respect. It's not about trying to control someone. I can respect him and his wants and needs, I try to, but if I'm going to respect myself fully in this scenario then what would it look like?

This is like the hardest thing. It is so painful, and I am now carrying around this pain and need to figure out the best way to release and let go. I don't want to suffer and I want to get back to my joy. I really do.

So I am willing to return to my commitment to honor myself, my light, my beauty and my power of choice. I am grateful for all that has led me this exact point. I can allow myself to shed tears without really knowing why, without fear they'll last forever, without calling myself "weak", without knowing what the future holds.

I think one other thing is that in the end I don't believe it's up to me. Some would argue that in practicing complete faith, Law of Attraction, etc., I can write my story and control if I manifest the relationship and family of my desire. I have to be honest -- I do not believe that is true. Why? Because I believe in a Higher Power that determines things ultimately and for some reason, for all I know, HP may have me in this life cycle learning to live without a husband and family. I don't know.

The reality is that I see women all around me who are fabulous, single and not having children even though it's what they deeply desire.

So again, I don't know.

Maybe that's the truth.

I don't know. I want to accept what I can't control and let go. I feel sad and I feel jealous of people who have what I want.

I believe I am beautiful but I don't want to be or feel I'm being ignored.