After posting a few days ago about my unfulfilled desire to be in the big relationship I've always desired and dreamed about, as well as my dilemna over whether to continue seeing a man I really like but who doesn't appear to be the one who can fulfill my desire, I got a TON of feedback. I mean, really, really, really, smart, insightful, poignant and graced feedback.
I feel very loved, that's the first thing to acknowledge. Not that I really doubted this, but I have friends and family who not only care VERY much about me but they also possess tremendous gifts to express themselves. I am so grateful for the presence of such powerful and loving people in my life. I am grateful I do not walk alone but more importantly, that I had the courage to ask for help and allow it in.
I was going to ask my friends if I can post some of their wise words but I decided against doing that. I'd rather just write 10 things I feel I've learned in the last few days, so here we go:
1/The angst I am feeling about caring deeply for a man but not being in a relationship that looks how I want it to look is normal but my suffering is optional. The way I choose to look at things can be empowering or self defeating.
2/I am completely and totally powerless over this man and any other person I will date or be in a relationship with. It is not my job to fix, heal or CHANGE anybody. The only person I can focus on changing is myself. When I focus on accepting the person I am free. When I focus on wanting him to change, I become trapped and frustrated.
3/My desire for a relationship has some healthy aspects but also some toxic ones. In other words, I am still, honestly, looking for something to take the pressure off my life and the challenges I face. NO MAN OR RELATIONSHIP WILL DO THAT and it is unfair to expect one to, it puts a burden on any potential relationship I could attract. Does this sound familiar? You start dating someone, you likey them a lot, and then you start gunning for the relationship? Full speed ahead! It's not even conscious, I get sucked into it and I swear to god I become like someone who is out in the blizzardy cold without a winter jacket and then finds something that might be a Northface full length -- ohh, the warm relief!!! BUT NO. No, no, no, no! I am not walking around chilled to the bone and jacketless. That is a F*$*# illusion in my mind. I am so much more protected, loved, stronger and capable than I even imagine but I FALL ASLEEP to this fact. It lands in my blind spot. To date from that place, ahh. It makes so much sense to me now.
4/Great sex is an expression of mutually felt chemistry, connection, passion and trust. It is a gift and something to affirm and be grateful for, this connecting on a deep level that involves body and soul. What it's not, however, is a bridge to commitment nor does it automatically translate into closeness on a mental or emotional level. I don't believe in casual sex -- I think you can only have it if you are cutting yourself off from the totality of your being, from all the aspects of yourself.
5/I am so full of love to give but I am intending clearing my channel so I can receive even more love.
6/I have deep seeded family issues that are triggered easily and there's a slogan which goes "if it's hysterical, it's historical" so it's really up to me to see about tracing what I'm feeling to my childhood. I've gotten pretty good at that, at locating the familiarity of a feeling based on past events, but the problem is I sometimes act first before I do that work so I act disproportionate to the experience happening in the present. If that makes any sense to you this means you're either an avid reader of my blog or someone I'd call a friend. :) Or both.
7/I deserve a man who melts my heart, makes my soul sing, enriches my life, inspires me, believes in miracles, loves me unconditionally, wants me more than he can stand to admit, and is a joyful addition to the magnificent life I am creating for myself. If I go so far as to become a parent, we will be ideal partners in procreation. (My brother came to Central Park intenSati and thought I was saying, "Every day in a very true way I procreate my reality." lol).
8/We are living in an age with very strong influences on women and men, many (or probably even most) of which are TOXIC. They pressure us to try to be what we're not, to disconnect from our soul's callings, our natural rhythms. There is so much external focus. So much ego driven, consumeristic, airbrushed, superficial, fear inducing, competitive, self centered, bullshit floating around that it can be distracting and hard to know who you are, why you're here and what you want. My peace and sanctuary is within. When I stay connected to it, I am always guided and I know what to do.
9/I like growth. I don't enjoy stalemate situations.
10/I really need a new job because sitting at a desk all day, even with this delicious freedom to blog, makes me feel so cooped up. I just needed a 10th item and that's the first thing that came to mind. :)
TO MY FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!