Don't even know where to begin.
I want to make big changes. I was back at work yesterday like many of us who make a living doing some sort of M-F 9a-6p grind and had the feeling that if I don't figure out a way to bring some of my goals into fruition, I am going to have, and here's a reallll throw-back to early '90's Long Island, "like, oh my god, a total conniption fit!"
I think I already am.
I've relied a lot on taking unusual paths to accomplish things but I've avoided many of the more direct, common routes. For example, while I've auditioned for acting jobs, most of the ones I've received have been through word of mouth and recommendations. I stopped going on calls probably about 6 months ago and pretty much now refuse to go the route of off-off broadway, and student/low and no budget indies, because I feel so strongly that "I've been there done that". Well, so have a lot of actors in NYC and, frankly, it's a great way to stay sharp and collect material for a reel, which I don't yet have, or perhaps get seen by an agent, who I also don't yet have. I also need new head shots.
Writing is a passion. Would I like to get paid for my writing? Yes. Do I believe I am good enough? YES. Does it frustrate me to no end to see people writing fluff or worse, writing on interesting topics in such formulaic and dry ways, it would drive one to turn on "Jersey Shore" to wake up? YES! Am I doing anything about it? NO. Do I do much to get the word out for this blog? Not beyond my small Facebook community, no. There are SO MANY ways to popularize and even, tah dahhhh, MONETIZE one's contribution to the blogosphere and to date, I couldn't tell you about any of them. Just that they exist. Somewhere out there.
Furthermore, let's discuss "the screenplay" that I've been writing for 4 years. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I can't discuss it. Because it has 3 pages. I'd rather talk about all the poetry I am proud of that's sitting on my hard drive. At least it's written but in that particular case, my self-esteem around publishing it is so tanked that I think I'm feeling more inclined to let someone discover it 70 years after I die (that puts me at 103 when I keel which sounds good to me) and make me a posthumous success with a really old computer.
Do you want to be a posthumous success?
If I were independently wealthy, I might not care as much. Maybe my passions would all be for leisure and as the New York Times reported yesterday, money spent on fun activities and pastimes contributes to happiness and, this is interesting, a study shows it takes a $20,000.00 increased spend on fulfilling leisure activities to cause an increase in happiness equivalent to getting married. What?! Who does these studies!?
But, alas, I'm making a 5-figure salary that does not even support my lifestyle here in the Big Bucks City and I in fact want to be someone generating wealth in a way that is fulfilling. Kind of like this guy!! He's a hedge fund lawyer turned yoga studio owner/entrepreneur/consultant/book author. The list goes on.
Check it: http://www.jonathanfields.com/
Note: The studio Jonathan founded is in NYC and called Sonic Yoga on 50th and 9th Ave. My dear friend Emiliya teaches there. Take her class, she's a yoga angel. She's also a life coach with a flourishing practice http://www.emiliya.com/.
How did I find Jonathan on line? Well, to be honest, I was reading last night about the Law of Attraction and the theories of quantum physics that various practitioners of said law use as "proof" the LOA exists. It's always sounded bizarre to me and while I believe in a certain spirituality, I am very much in kahoots about how "thoughts become things" and the kinds of "power" humans have to "magnetize" and bring about what they think about. I had a very strong science aptitude growing up and (thanks largely to the help of my friend Peter who tutored me in college since I couldn't understand our TA who didn't speak English), I pulled all B's in organic chemistry at Cornell. I have cred. I'm not afraid of science. I am actually really interested in it, especially if one brings it into a discussion about accomplishing goals and driving results.
I think I was wooed by the idea of taking a little less action and replacing it with little more positive thinking and feeling as a means of "attracting" what I desire. It's so weird because this runs entirely in opposition to how I grew up and went about my life until I first encountered the LOA. I was an exceptionally hard worker. Extra practice time on the soccer field, extra hours spent studying, no stone left unturned when it came to pursuing goals and no dependence or reliance upon any Universal Force to somehow come in and assist. I was an atheist until I was in my mid-20's and only after I started believing in a higher power did I get introduced to the idea I can influence what it delivers to me. I know people say you should think/feel things AND get into action. Nobody is saying to do nothing but think or feel it, although I've actually heard it said less action is better sometimes.
I think if you believe the Universe is going to magically, or scientifically, or by law, deliver goods to you based on the nature of your thoughts and feelings, it can distract you from actually pursuing your goals in a direct fashion. I think that's happened to me. I spend a lot of time daydreaming while at my desk all week and taking imaginary trips into my creative mind, but I'd probably be better suited to stay focused and present and do my job well, but just send out my materials and book an audition a week. Find a guitarist on Craiglist. Look at where to publish or list my blog. Then actually fulfill the action. Replace my lost passport so I can leave the country for a while and travel. Anyway, you get the point. Or, more importantly for today, I get the point!! :)
Please read this article on Jonathan's site for a great discussion!!!
Ahhh. That felt good. I will reference Jolynn Baca because she's the dynamo who is teaching my Central Park intenSati (www.satilife.com) class this month. She recently saw the film "Inception" which inspired her class intro last Saturday. Jolynn referred to using the "big guns" to blow away subconscious fears that get in the way of taking action. Whether it's science, fiction, divine inspiration or plain old common sense, I would like to lease a pair or perhaps dust off my own and load.