I Let My Voice Lead

I lead an intenSati workout and writing workshop yesterday called “Let Your Voice Lead”. There were over 60 people in attendance, all armed with their journals and pens, ready to be inspired by the intenSati workout and willing to go within and write, express, explore...

It was incredible. The packed class was electric. You could hear a pin drop while everybody was writing. I felt like I was being carried and that I was exactly where I belonged.

At the beginning and throughout the workshop, I shared a lot about my personal story. I did that intentionally. I wanted my students to see that I LOVE my story. That I chose deliberately to love it -- instead of be tortured by the past – and that I chose to rewrite my story and was able to straighten out a life that was like a car veering wildly over patches of black ice.

I was thinking this morning about when I was 19 yrs old and living in New York City with my uncle in his cool, east village apartment. I was on medical leave from Cornell to get treatment for bulimia. I was doing the outpatient program at the Renfrew Center and can remember the art therapy sessions during which I made an asymmetrical clay container "for my feelings" and the whole thing made me feel like a 4 year old, but not in a good way. I have since then had very effective art therapy sessions but at the time I was resistant and I just wasn’t feeling it.

What did help, however, were the classes I enrolled in at the NYU School of Continuing Ed and the The New School. At Cornell, I was pre-med and puking my way through the anxiety of passing orgo. I did, nothing less than a B in any of the sciences, but I couldn't do it without the eating disorder. I had few if any tools at the time to manage my stress and fear.

So, as part of my time off, it was suggested I try a few new types of classes that might be a little “easier”. What I found was an anthropology class about race, a women's history course and a third session called Writing Your Memoirs. Easier than titrating with my pipette in a lab run by a TA who didn’t speak English, yes, but more importantly these classes opened my mind to thinking about subjects in entirely new ways. The topic I was most interested in? Me.

I'll never forget my first day of the Writing Your Memoirs class. I was by far the youngest one there and the only other people in the class under 50 years old had serious illnesses, including a man with HIV, but there I was, ready to write my memoirs at age 19! It wasn't because I thought I was going to die, either, since at the time I was in way too much denial about the potential life-threatening nature of bulimia.

I connected to a driving need to write about what was happening and what had happened because on top of being devastated, I was just so confused! How does a person go from being a successful, straight A scholar athlete student, captain of multiple teams, popular prom queen, model child who had run-of-the-mill teenage anxieties and sensitivities that didn't scream atypical -- into someone trapsing around the Cornell campus and driving her Toyota RAV-4 to the surrounding Ithaca area in search of food and bathrooms to accommodate a secret purging behavior being performed up to 11 times a day...

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?

I was truly obsessed with finding out The Answer to this question and at times that was at the expense of trying to stop the behavior. 12 years later, having done a lot of healing work in many modalities, I still don't have my curious puzzle all pieced together. Not by a long shot. What I do have is a much better understanding and, probably more importantly, a greater sense of acceptance that it DID happen, whether or not I'll ever be able to figure out exactly the HOW or WHY. With acceptance comes peace and that is what I needed and still need today.

So, I am grateful that the strength of my climb and recovery can be used to inspire others like it did yesterday. I saw people opening up to themselves. I witnessed it, I was there, and maybe the best thing I experienced was letting go of myself and the need to uncover anything else about me. I had a moment when I relaxed against the mirror and listened to a few students share passages they wrote based on the I AM CONFIDENT affirmation. I asked each person, "Write a story about when you were a child feeling totally confident." :) While listening to them read I just felt this ease and relief. I can feel it now. It's like the release of pressure off myself of doing this work in isolation and keeping the focus on me. I loved taking in someone else's story. I loved being in the quiet with a community of writers, 60 people connecting to our voices and releasing without a specific agenda. For me, it was a very powerful experience.

I don't really know where to end this other than to say it's 9:30am and I've been up since 6. I feel tired. I feel a bit spent. Still, I think I"m going to Erika's intenSati class and then Patricia's leadership training but I'm not sure. I need coffee. The one I bought this morning wasn't good and I want my favorite from Grey Dog's, so I must venture into the winter cold...

Thanks as always for reading my post. If you write and keep a blog, please let me know so I can read your work, too! xoxo

Morning Poem

The New York sky

is snowing

an invitation

feel like letting go

of that one

rattling my core

of listening to the story

with one ear only

and the other hot pressed against my pillow

feel like letting go

of the grand

of the great

of the immeasurable

illusion of control

grateful for the cold wind

pressed against my face

reminding me no hiding place

is worth the pain isolation brings

grateful to get back to my life

while you live yours

I live mine

certain

I shut the doors

to the din that disrupts

peace

my peace

the peace

I worked hard to discover

and allow

and believe

I deserve

Yes, I am Asking for the courage to let go

even when the snowing

stops.

Willingness

This is going to be a fast post but I want to get it up because I am FEELING IT!!!!!!

This morning, while doing the HAPPY action in intenSati, I realized that my ankle (rehabbed and healing after two surgeries and multiple sprains) is much, much stronger! So strong, in fact, that it sustained my getting some serious air and explosion through my legs so I was doing the move like a series of plyos (plyometric jumps), YES!

I went to the treadmill after and jogged a mile in 10:01. That's about 3 minutes above what I used to run it in, oye, but it was still exciting to me that I was able to sustain a mile!

So, what I'm feeling is hope and a new desire to recover my body to full strength so I can practice more of the activities I LOVE! I don't know if I'll ever play competitive soccer again but what I am certainly committing to is training my body so I can get back into kicking, dribbling and shooting/scoring goals. Ahhhh.

I feel willing to take on training at a higher level. I am going to commit to it here and give myself ample time to get to where I want to be. I'm going to get clear and set some great SMART goals -- SMART is an acronym to help with goal setting and it stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely. Here's an example:

Specific: I run a mile in under 10 minutes the next time I go on the treadmill
Measurable: That's easy, just look at the counter.
Attainable: Ridiculously attainable since I'm only shaving one second off my time. The underlying intention here is I WILL improve my time over this morning's effort. :)
Realistic: Yes
Timely: Goal is to run once more time before next Wednesday

I love training so I'm giving myself this gift. I do NOT have to be perfect but I am going to be passionate!

Additionally, I want to share that last night I ate a brownie (okay, a blondie to be more specific) at Cosi's following what was already a starchy dinner (Salad with Chicken plus whole wheat flatbread. Okay, disgusting salad and yummy flatbread to be more specific). I was trying to give myself a break after some very strict eating lately but it was really an emotional overeating episode that came at the result of a long day that was VERY busy at work (I am an Executive Assistant at the BBC) and some very negative thoughts about myself that I am not going to go into here because they were just fear-based insecurities paying a visit.

Well, I did a little research and came across this NPR story (part of the Radiolab series, one of my new absolutely favorite shows) that explains that when the brain is taxed, your resistence to sweets actually GOES DOWN and you become increasingly vulnerable to overeating.

Here's an excerpt:

It turns out, Jonah explains, that the part of our brain that is most reasonable, rational and do-the-right-thing is easily toppled by the pull of raw sensual appetite, the lure of sweet. Knowing something is the right thing to do takes work — brain work — and our brains aren't always up to that. The experiment, after all, tells us brains can't even hold more than seven numbers at a time. Add five extra digits, and good sense tiptoes out of your head, and in comes the cake. "This helps explain why, after a long day at the office, we're more likely to indulge in a pint of ice cream, or eat one too many slices of leftover pizza," Lehrer writes.


I was relieved to read this and learn that the kind of practice I am doing to ease my brainload through meditation and exercise is in my best interest. intenSati is interesting because I think it would qualify as a brainload (remembering words and choreography) but it definitely feels fun and good to me as opposed to answering 200 emails at work and managing the calendars of 4 executives, the minute details of which tend to add up in my brain, often causing fatigue. My thought is this -- if you ENJOY the brainload it probably won't cause the same susceptibility to sweets but if you do NOT enjoy the brainload and you are inwardly feeling or thinking it's a burden, well, then you WILL be susceptible. Just a hunch.

Love to you and as always, thank you for reading and your comments are MOST welcome. xoxo L

Transformation

Step Up Little One

Small feet in soft, pink booties
osh kosh bagosh
overalls
eager smile
curiosity
an abundance of little
toddler
swagger
style

Medium feet in soft, black cleats
orange and black uniform
not a costume and definitely not scary
racing, running, shooting
scoring
so many goals
but not the kind that cause much pressure
really? or did they
smell of fresh cut grass
freedom relay

Large feet in hard, high heels
uncomfortable feeling in clothing
judging, evaluating, rejecting
denying
all the pretty pictures surrounding
constant thoughts of not measuring up

Bare feet
in soft, yellow sand
warmth and rest
cushioning, supporting, grounding
helping to let go of the past
each time I step on the ground

step up little one

open to the sound

noise of your nature
sound of your surroundings
worlds without words

do you ever try to fully grasp
or express what the wonder is

This is Here

This is here
while that is gone
after

disappear
resurface
explore

going back to cafeteria lines
tater tots
ketchup

then trying to play
catchup

misty eyes say good bye
to someone

sparkling eyes say hello
to someone

else

self, supposedly, ideally

healing spaces
with invitations to open up
channels and choices
inspiring voices

there is no such thing as stuck

Look Out and Explore

I received an email from a friend of mine, a girl I know from acting class, who is visiting Vietnam. She is having an incredible time and the passion and excitement in her voice came through so palpably, I felt like I was her travel mate. She described all the new tastes, sites and sounds with such glee.

I think being an introspective and extroverted combo like myself, there is a tendency to just constantly be assessing, surveying and finding expression for whatever is going on inside. There is a desire to make improvements, changes and transform every day. However, that can lead to tunnel vision once in a while if things are constantly being brought back to me, myself and I.

So, today I'm going to do a little experiment. The goal is to take the focus off myself. I am going to call 3 people and ask how they are doing. If they ask me how I am, I'll say that things are well, thanks, but I really just wanted to listen. I am going to travel through NYC today as if it is a foreign country and I am a visitor, albeit one who knows the subway lines really well.

When I perform in my show later, I'm going to take joy and comfort in being one of many in a choir where I am singing great songs. I'll try just paying attention to holding my alto line steady without analysis or judgment of how my voice sounds.

I'll see how this fresh perspective goes today and report back tonight.

The real voyage of discovery consists of not in seeking
new landscapes but in having new eyes.
- Marcel Proust

Dear Lindsay...

Dear Lindsay,

Hey! How are you? Pretty good? Well, that's nice but I don't really care, actually. Your well-being isn't exactly my top priority. Rather, I'm in favor of your total demise. That's right, it's me, I'm back! Miss me much?

Here's how I roll these days. I get into your head and convince you to feel like a failure. That choir you're about to sing in tomorrow (ActorCor, 5pm at All Souls Church, it's FREE!) well, I can almost persuade you that you don't belong in it because you don't read music! I can also make you feel so sorry for yourself that your voice is a little strained thanks to your intenSati teaching and the subarctic NYC temperatures that resulted in your catching a cold (weakling). I help ya think thoughts that make you feel jealous you aren't a soloist and envious of the people whose voices are classically trained and stunning. Yeah, I can do a biiiiiiiiig number on you!!

I like to cut you little or no room for slack. Little or no room to be human. Little or no room to try things and -- GASP!! -- make mistakes. I can make you believe your efforts to meet your soul mate and get married are futile. That hurts, doesn't it?

When it comes to appearance, nothing you've got is ever good enough. Especially now that you teach fitness and you're wearing those tight little pants and spandex tops every day. I don't care that you are healthy and gorgeous, with all bodily systems functioning and healed. I do my best to help you ignore that miracle. I will even make you think you need botox at 32. Aren't I sly?!

You're really creative and smart, so I like to get in there and steal your creativity. Hijack it, basically. This way, I can really elaborate theories about why you're destined to fail and live a life unlived unless you do things purrrrrrrfectly! I am like a sly cat or cheetah, indeed.

So, let's cut to the chase. The chase is this: YOU need ME. You need me. You need me to advance, pursue goals, succeed, self actualize, realize your greatness, la la la. I mean, what would you be, who would you be, without ME?! You'd be nothing! That's right! NOTHING! You would never figure anything out without me, period.

Oh shit, do I sound a little desperate?

Well, look, fine. I'll be honest. You've actually been a tough nut to crack, lately. I mean, look, the real reason I'm writing is this...argh, this is hard...well, OK, it's like lately I feel you've just been ignoring me. You've been doing things that really reveal and reflect your imperfection. You are just letting yourself have some ups and downs. You're taking risks and doing creative work that isn't comfortable for you and you're learning how to be a healthy adult who competes to do her own best, rather than live in constant competition against others. You're taking these steps to learn new things and grow and, my god, you're just trying to be happy and appreciative of being alive. How is THAT connected to WINNING anything?! It's not! I mean, ugh, it's just, so, so, so..

I'm not finished.

To add insult to injury, you're, like, getting stuff done. I've heard that I am actually the enemy of done. I used to get you to procrastinate or work yourself into a compulsive, workaholic, sleep deprived tail spin tizzy! Now, even if you go down there for a bit you come right back as if repelled by the opposite pole of a magnet and you find people who support you in reaching, uggggh, here's another word I loathe...

BALANCE

You are starting to close the door on me.

I feel pissed off about that, to tell you the truth!

So much so, as a matter of fact, that I may have to find someplace else to go. Perhaps meet a different person because this just isn't working out and we're no longer on the same page and MY PAGE IS BETTER.

Omg, I have an idea! I'm going to go bother someone so bad that she's going to make herself starve or throw up, just because she can't stand being in her own imperfect skin. Yes, VICTORY!

Oh.

I get it.

I know, I know, you refuse to go back there and I'm like the Pony Express to Eating Disorderland, so, yeah, I get it...

This is good-bye, isn't it?

Fine.

Don't miss me much.

-Perfectionism

Admission

This is going to be a interesting post. Probably brief.

I want hot abs.

Seriously.

This is not a poem!

I really am frustrated by a thick layer of belly fat that I've never committed to getting rid of despite a very, very strong desire to do so. Now, I'm not saying I need to have a perfect six-pack or a body that is 95% muscle. However, I DO really want to lose what I am sure is excess weight around my midsection that I do not need. Period.

I call it my Buddha Belly but I don't really want to do that anymore. Buddha didn't teach group fitness at Equinox, although his meditation classes would've probably pulled in big numbers.

I need to ask myself what I'm willing to do to get the results I desire. I am looking at a long-term plan. My birthday is in May so I want to reach my goal in time for when I turn 33.

Commitments
I am eating for weight loss, not maintenance.
I add core work exercises to my fitness regime.
I drink a lot more water.
I avoid carbonated beverages. I am SO ready to be done with them. blech.
I drink 1 coffee a day, max.
I practice affirmations and visualization exercises that support my intention.

So, that's all I got.

I want hot abs and this is not a poem.

What Is A Memory

What Is A Memory

when it's lost on you
when you repeat the same pattern
again
and
again
a
memory
can be put aside
or called up

a memory
can be brought center stage
appear in form
another
and
another
it happened once before
and before it's too late
it may happen
again

put aside a memory
relegate it into that one compartment
with heart
I meant

open up a memory
for solace comfort company
a gift that keeps

understand a memory
a new way in a day
a new way in a week
a new way in a month
a new way in a moment

protect me from a memory
by releasing
feelings
it generates sapping
present moment dry
of truth
causing a good cry

memories can feel stronger than my
own
self

still they can be laughed away

release
place on a shelf

share

revisit

release again
take off the shelf

did he care

what is it

release
I've heard it said

look back
don't stare

release

what is

just a memory.

Sweet Celebrations

I am celebrating my strengths this month! That is the first line of the intenSati practice I am currently teaching. Celebrating doesn't just mean thinking postively about certain attributes, though I certainly do that and encourage you to do the same. Here is how I am getting into action to CELEBRATE my STRENGTH as a writer:

1. I set up an intenSati workshop at the end of the month which combines the intenSati workout with writing exercises to help you personalize the affirmations (1/30th at Pk/33rd from 3-5pm. FREE.).

2. I committed to writing a screenplay with my brother and I've written some really solid dialogue, character descriptions, plot points and jokes!

3. I joined forces with a freelance journalist to co-create a blog that features highly opinionated animated cartoon pundits. More to come on that!

4. I allowed (and will continue to allow) myself to write honest poetry and essays. I do this even though it scares me at times because the work is personal. I've chosen to continue because I love to write. Also, because of the feedback and positive comments I receive from people who read my work.

5. I am taking action to distribute my 2009 blog postings (now available in a single manuscript for your reading pleasure) to publishers and my friends/family who request copies.

6. I visualize myself writing and getting paid for my work. I visualize myself having time, so much beautiful time, to sit and write, edit, and communicate as I wish to, freely. I am holding onto this vision with complete FAITH and belief, affirming the intenSati way (It is done, It is done, It IS done!).

How do you celebrate your strengths?

All best and if you need or want any support with YOUR writing work, feel free to email me at davis.lindsay@gmail.com. I enjoy teaching and assisting!

Best,
Lindsay

Let Your Voice Lead

I am so excited to be leading my first intenSati workshop at Equinox this month! Here is a full description:

intenSati™ Workshop: Let Your Voice Lead!

Join Equinox group fitness intenSati™ instructor and professional writer, Lindsay Davis, for this special event on January 30th from 3-5pmET. intenSati™ is a revolutionary workout fusing high-energy aerobics, martial arts, dance, yoga, and strength conditioning. Spoken affirmations are combined with simple choreography for a total mind/body/spirit workout!

During this 2-hour class, you will experience an invigorating workout and thought-provoking writing session designed to help you personalize the inspiring intenSati™ affirmations and attitudes.

Newcomers welcome! Please RSVP at davis.lindsay@gmail.com.

For more about intenSati™, created by world-class fitness expert Patricia Moreno, visit www.satilife.com.

For more info about Lindsay Davis, join the group “intenSati with Lindsay Davis” on Facebook or visit her blog, Lindspiration, found at www.lindspiration.blogspot.com.

Oh, man!

An ache to feel loved,
triggered by a little insanity
over calls and texts unreturned
trying to keep my heart from being burned,
is really my
yearning
to somehow
some way
some day
fall in love with myself.
I am not a pretty package to make perfect.
My life is not a structure of success to erect.
It can happen at any moment but it hasn't happened yet.
Instead,
my light eyes go outside of myself admiring
beauty where I see it
magic where I feel it
appreciating many gifts life has to offer:
great music, dance, sweet outdoors and song
still
quiet
inside and yearning
but never knowing until now
what is wrong.
Oh, I remember now. I want so badly to fall in love with me.
Really.
If I think it's about losing another pound
getting my teeth cleaned
making my hair look just right
or self actualizing, godforbid
If I think it is about
perhaps the biggest illusion I persistently believed all along…
that it will come in the form of a man
Some
One
whose love for me will fill me up
land inside
make me forget
that I am built to love me
that I am built to love me
that I am built to love me
absolutely aching to find it now
on my own.

Aspiration and Descent

Something about aspiration
and descent...

I've been wanting to get higher and higher
up those imaginary mountains that I create
in my mind to illustrate
progress
growth
the accomplishment of la la la
where I want to go
always an incline
in my mind
and tough many a time
to climb.

I've been wanting to descend
as well
into my well
deeper into myself
into who I am
and how I feel
Oh!
my core, gut, reservoir of emotion and intelligence.

many facets to a personality
brilliant colors to each unique soul
stirring elements under the surface
simple yearnings
able and bold

2010 is here

excavating any lost parts of me so nothing is buried

I want to emerge in full

everything left behind

nothing left behind

ha ha

I am here now.

Grateful and alive

breathing in simplicity and patience

knowing this is only one aspect

of the aspiration and descent

with so much more to come

for my betterment.