Hi, well, it took me a week to sort out some of my feelings about blogging and sharing personally in this space.
I've decided that the process is scary but what makes it worth it is I feel part of a community of other writers and readers who want to grow, learn, create, explore, inspire, receive and give. Thanks to some of your comments and emails, I am confident my voice is appreciated and giving readers valuable information and inspiration. So, we're all good!
Two incredibly important goals I have right now are:
1. To improve, grow, thrive and succeed as an intenSati instructor. Next month, I'll be teaching on Monday mornings and then Saturday afternoons and then I'm also teaching Patricia's Monday evening and Saturday morning classes at Columbus Circle. Double duty two days a week!! That's a sweet challenge!! So, my focus must be on taking excellent care of my body, keeping myself in alignment and doing all I can do so I am the BEST teacher I can be. That is my intention.
2. To kick ass this weekend in the play I'm performing in. I am acting in a very funny 10-minute comedic short. I want to be brilliant, hilarious, line perfect, spontaneous, improvisational, fun and totally 100% committed to the character and the story. I know I can do it and I want to go into this performance fully prepared with excitement and gratitude. That is my intention.
This morning in class, I taught the affirmation "I am honest with myself. I'm letting go." It matched the intenSati actions GRATITUDE and SURRENDER. I love that combination, that we can go in the direction of self honesty from a place of gratitude for the intention already fulfilled. It's like saying Thank You for the truth which I know will surface if I am patient, if I am quiet, if I breathe, if I wait. Also, just being grateful takes the sting out of certain truths which could be hard to swallow. For example, a truth I (re)discovered recently is that I still turn to crutches when I feel afraid -- food, sex, Facebook, outside validation/approval, and my parents. While rehearsing for the show I'm in this weekend, my god, that moment of taking out the script, I swear, I've dodged it more than I care to admit just because I'm afraid to dive into the process. With gratitude, I can accept these truths about myself and take actions so I no longer procrastinate or use crutches when I feel fear.
As for letting go and surrendering, well, all I can say is, simply, it's really hard. I let go of the man I was seeing because we were no longer on the same page -- my wants were for a deepening of our relationship while his were not -- and the letting go has been so hard. Really. I miss him more than I thought I would. I miss things I didn't think I would miss, how is that? It is like releasing patterns and habits that my body got used to during the time we spent together. I am tempted to go back and accept not being on my terms but I can't and won't because I know it will bring me more disappointment then my heart can handle at this point. Plus, it may satisfy temptation (temporarily) but will ultimately just distract me from focusing on my life. What makes this LETTING GO worth it, I guess, is I will be more serene and strong as I honor my personal truth. It may take some time but practicing acceptance will mean less of a gut wrenching tug of war between me and my circumstances. As I've shared here, if someone else doesn't want to behave or act a certain way, it's pretty pointless to try and change them. Conversely, the only way I can change or grow is by releasing the control reins (the ones I fashion myself having but don't really) and just taking care of my business. This is the information that eases codependency -- it's the mantra "live and let live".
I wish you an empowered day with serenity, honesty and acceptance. xo
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Illusion of The Personal
I've been thinking a lot lately about my choice to be outspoken and candid about myself through my writing and intenSati teaching. What was my motivation when I started and how has it changed throughout the years? Where am I now with respect to why I'm doing what I am doing and perhaps most importantly, do I wish to continue? Couldn't I just keep a private and personal journal and if I keep a blog, focus on topics and stop revealing the kinds of ideas, thoughts, feelings and facts best left discussed between my closest confidantes? Do I want to continue to reveal or conceal?
I'm definitely mulling this all over. I think the two biggest factors driving my decision initially was a desire for greater strength and a need for attention. In an effort to recover from an eating disorder, I began to figure out that writing was a vital tool. It helped me cement intentions, figure out what I was feeling on a very deep level, articulate my thoughts clearly and directly, come up with plans, and in some instances, produce writing that has style and literary qualities. As far as attention, what was the kind of attention for which I was really asking? Help, I think. Help in the form of relief from suffering because I think the fantasy was that someone would read my work and be able to give me the insights and support I was searching for and relieve some of the immense pressure I was feeling.
What about you? The audience. The readers. Recognizing fully that this is published on the wild west, boundary-less internet, I realize that I have absolutely zero control over who reads my work. It's kind of insane when you think about it. I think I wanted some kind of accountability (if I know people are following and interested in what I'm doing, perhaps it will help me stay on point) and also I think I had this fantasy that I can just write write write, get discovered by a literary agent, turn my work into a unique personal growth book, make enough money to quit my job, move to a warm climate near a beach and then turn my book into a screenplay.
In this day and age, nothing is really sacred anymore. Bulimia? So what. Depression and anxiety? Big whoop. Don't know what you want to be when you grow up? Welcome to the club. Dating men that make your head spin? Been there, done that. A lot of people don't even care anymore what's inside. They care about Snookie and The Situation.
I think for me the writing provides instant relief of just getting feelings out and off my chest, without anybody saying a word in response. It's like I've created the best listener in the whole world. Lindspiration loves me unconditionally.
Some days I feel courageous and safe in this space I've created. Other days, I feel like I'm voluntarily violating my own boundary system. I waver, as I do with just about everything in my life, but I like to think that the drive to write and work from a place of truth and openness is coming from a good place.
I fell in love with literature when I was in college because it felt like a passageway into the safest spaces that were also deeply confrontational. Reading Wolfe, Morrisson, Petry, Baldwin, Wright, Emerson, Thoreau and others woke me up. I am realizing there is a part of me that wants to reach others in that way, so that is also behind my drive to write, though I am under no illusion that I can control the level of artistry I produce. That's not up to me. All I can do is acknowledge my very persistent drive to write and just do it.
I will find my way to establishing boundaries so that I am okay with the kinds of disclosures I make here and also in my classes. I was reminded yesterday that I have many stories to tell. Perhaps I've over-identified with this Hero story I've created that involves my being triumphant over an eating disorder to the point where I am a perfect example and model of wellness -- that's right, it's the Recovery Olympics and there I am standing on the podium of the personal wearing a gold medal! There is so much more to who I am and I think I've been just obsessed with this particular story line but seeing as I'm still in the middle of it I would argue that I'm showing up too early to a medal ceremony, one that only really exists in my head anyway.
Creativity is grounded in reality, in the particular, the focused, the well observed, or specifically imagined...Just as travelers on a jet are seldom aware of their speed unless they hit a patch of turbulence, so, too, travelers on the artist's way are seldom aware of the speed of their growth. - Julia Cameron
I'm definitely mulling this all over. I think the two biggest factors driving my decision initially was a desire for greater strength and a need for attention. In an effort to recover from an eating disorder, I began to figure out that writing was a vital tool. It helped me cement intentions, figure out what I was feeling on a very deep level, articulate my thoughts clearly and directly, come up with plans, and in some instances, produce writing that has style and literary qualities. As far as attention, what was the kind of attention for which I was really asking? Help, I think. Help in the form of relief from suffering because I think the fantasy was that someone would read my work and be able to give me the insights and support I was searching for and relieve some of the immense pressure I was feeling.
What about you? The audience. The readers. Recognizing fully that this is published on the wild west, boundary-less internet, I realize that I have absolutely zero control over who reads my work. It's kind of insane when you think about it. I think I wanted some kind of accountability (if I know people are following and interested in what I'm doing, perhaps it will help me stay on point) and also I think I had this fantasy that I can just write write write, get discovered by a literary agent, turn my work into a unique personal growth book, make enough money to quit my job, move to a warm climate near a beach and then turn my book into a screenplay.
In this day and age, nothing is really sacred anymore. Bulimia? So what. Depression and anxiety? Big whoop. Don't know what you want to be when you grow up? Welcome to the club. Dating men that make your head spin? Been there, done that. A lot of people don't even care anymore what's inside. They care about Snookie and The Situation.
I think for me the writing provides instant relief of just getting feelings out and off my chest, without anybody saying a word in response. It's like I've created the best listener in the whole world. Lindspiration loves me unconditionally.
Some days I feel courageous and safe in this space I've created. Other days, I feel like I'm voluntarily violating my own boundary system. I waver, as I do with just about everything in my life, but I like to think that the drive to write and work from a place of truth and openness is coming from a good place.
I fell in love with literature when I was in college because it felt like a passageway into the safest spaces that were also deeply confrontational. Reading Wolfe, Morrisson, Petry, Baldwin, Wright, Emerson, Thoreau and others woke me up. I am realizing there is a part of me that wants to reach others in that way, so that is also behind my drive to write, though I am under no illusion that I can control the level of artistry I produce. That's not up to me. All I can do is acknowledge my very persistent drive to write and just do it.
I will find my way to establishing boundaries so that I am okay with the kinds of disclosures I make here and also in my classes. I was reminded yesterday that I have many stories to tell. Perhaps I've over-identified with this Hero story I've created that involves my being triumphant over an eating disorder to the point where I am a perfect example and model of wellness -- that's right, it's the Recovery Olympics and there I am standing on the podium of the personal wearing a gold medal! There is so much more to who I am and I think I've been just obsessed with this particular story line but seeing as I'm still in the middle of it I would argue that I'm showing up too early to a medal ceremony, one that only really exists in my head anyway.
Creativity is grounded in reality, in the particular, the focused, the well observed, or specifically imagined...Just as travelers on a jet are seldom aware of their speed unless they hit a patch of turbulence, so, too, travelers on the artist's way are seldom aware of the speed of their growth. - Julia Cameron
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
10 Ways to Turn Around "Anywhere But Here"
Good morning. It's a gray, chilly one here in NYC and that is exactly how I'm feeling. On Sunday, I sprained my back and when I woke up Monday morning it was in complete spasms. The pain was excrutiating (I have a high threshold) and I could barely walk. I had to cancel plans to visit friends I haven't seen in months (their kids not since last spring), see a chiropractor to get some pressure off the lower region of my spine, and forego teaching intenSati for the day.
I spent much of the day in bed. This morning my back feels a little bit better but I'm still in a lot of physical pain. Emotionally, it's pretty much the same. I'm feeling pain connected to the separation from the man I was dating. I'm thinking about how I left my apartment looking like such a mess. I'm at the office now just bitching to myself about how I'm going to stay here for 7 hours and process expenses, work on travel itineraries and do all the other mundane tasks that I get paid to handle. I'm worried about my body and getting it into the kind of shape where I will have less a chance of getting injured.
So, what's the best way to deal with all this frustration and the accompanying thought, "I'd rather be anywhere but here!"?
1. Take a deep breath and remember that this is temporary. The feelings are temporary, the job, my health situation -- all temporary. The slogan, "this too shall pass" is a good one.
2. Gently and compassionately offer a comparison that helps frame this particular situation as "not that bad". It's not to invalidate the feelings but rather to just offer the reminder that it could be much, much worse than it is. The job I have is boring to me but at least I have a job with health benefits that will let me see the chiropractor later on that will be able to help restore my back into alignment. Things like that.
3. Recognize that feeling like shit does not have to mean acting out. This list is sounding to me like Everything You Need To Know You Learned in Kindergarden, but it's true. Reaching for fast relief remedies like coffee, excess food, gum, etc. will only delay a natural process that wants to happen, that is to say, feeling and healing. That said, if I reach for any of said crutches, at least do it as mindfully and with as much presence as possible.
4. Soften the mind. I love this one and kind of came to realizing it through my intenSati practice which always involves a transition from high intensity actions to lower intensity ones (in the latter third of class it's more like a yoga flow with affirmations). With respect to my mind, I liken it to turning the volume and intensity down, but not necessarily changing the thoughts or feelings yet. Just their intensity. Example: I HATE MY JOB AND WORKING IN AN OFFICE DOING MUNDANE WORK ALL DAY --> I Hate My Job And Working In An Office Doing Mundane Work All Day --> I hate my job and working in an office doing mundane work all day --> I may hate my job and working in an office doing mundance work all day but I feel a little bit better sitting here so at least I'm not making myself unnecessarily aggravated and upset. Something like that.
5. Ask the universe for support. This is my spiritual practice in action. I do believe in a higher power and I believe that when I ask for help it is given. If I am open to receiving it, all the better. So, in a case like today, here's my Big Ask:
Dear Universe,
I am not feeling well at all today. I ask in faith for help returning to a healthy, vibrant state of being. I am willing to grow along spiritual lines and if I am here for a reason, please help me see what I'm meant to learn. Please also help me to know the truth about myself and various situations that are upsetting me so that I can make corrections. Most importantly, help me find acceptance in the moment so that I can allow you to guide and transform my life in the direction you see fit, which I believe is a positive one that enhances not only my own feelings of well being but also my purpose on this planet. I am very hungry for real purpose and meaningful connection, as well as a manageable schedule that is fit perfectly for me, as I am only human and there are only so many hours in the day.
With love, gratitude and my efforts to appreciate the blessings you bestow on me...
Lindsay
6. Release the need to act. I'm learning that letting go and not doing anything at all for a little while is a good, temporary measure. Don't make any decisions until things quiet down a little in the mind and body.
7. Make a list of about 10 people whose wisdom, support and personality make me smile.
8. Drink extra cold water and hot tea. (I also didn't mention I have a cold, so additional vitamin C would be a good idea.)
9. Don't blame myself or another for the current state of affairs. That said, be ready to look at the effects of my actions (thoughts, behaviors) and own them. I made a 20 item list on the 7 train this morning (there were delays) of the consequences of certain actions I've taken lately and it's not very pretty but it's all mine and I own it. This is the hardest thing to accept and face, that my life looks the way it does because of all the choices I've made to this day, and if I want my life to look differently then I am going to have to do things differently.
10. Realize that I don't have to frame my life as worse than it is in order to motivate. This is a BIG one for me and something I just realized with this post. I think it's directly related to overdramatizing things, as if I need to have a heightened experience of something (in a negative way) so that I give myself the necessary kick in the ass to deal and be proactive. What if, what if what if what if, I can realize that things really aren't that bad (back to #2), I mean, they really really aren't, but that doesn't mean there aren't a lot of changes I want to make and places I wish to improve and transform? That would be a more peaceful place to mentally hang out.
I spent much of the day in bed. This morning my back feels a little bit better but I'm still in a lot of physical pain. Emotionally, it's pretty much the same. I'm feeling pain connected to the separation from the man I was dating. I'm thinking about how I left my apartment looking like such a mess. I'm at the office now just bitching to myself about how I'm going to stay here for 7 hours and process expenses, work on travel itineraries and do all the other mundane tasks that I get paid to handle. I'm worried about my body and getting it into the kind of shape where I will have less a chance of getting injured.
So, what's the best way to deal with all this frustration and the accompanying thought, "I'd rather be anywhere but here!"?
1. Take a deep breath and remember that this is temporary. The feelings are temporary, the job, my health situation -- all temporary. The slogan, "this too shall pass" is a good one.
2. Gently and compassionately offer a comparison that helps frame this particular situation as "not that bad". It's not to invalidate the feelings but rather to just offer the reminder that it could be much, much worse than it is. The job I have is boring to me but at least I have a job with health benefits that will let me see the chiropractor later on that will be able to help restore my back into alignment. Things like that.
3. Recognize that feeling like shit does not have to mean acting out. This list is sounding to me like Everything You Need To Know You Learned in Kindergarden, but it's true. Reaching for fast relief remedies like coffee, excess food, gum, etc. will only delay a natural process that wants to happen, that is to say, feeling and healing. That said, if I reach for any of said crutches, at least do it as mindfully and with as much presence as possible.
4. Soften the mind. I love this one and kind of came to realizing it through my intenSati practice which always involves a transition from high intensity actions to lower intensity ones (in the latter third of class it's more like a yoga flow with affirmations). With respect to my mind, I liken it to turning the volume and intensity down, but not necessarily changing the thoughts or feelings yet. Just their intensity. Example: I HATE MY JOB AND WORKING IN AN OFFICE DOING MUNDANE WORK ALL DAY --> I Hate My Job And Working In An Office Doing Mundane Work All Day --> I hate my job and working in an office doing mundane work all day --> I may hate my job and working in an office doing mundance work all day but I feel a little bit better sitting here so at least I'm not making myself unnecessarily aggravated and upset. Something like that.
5. Ask the universe for support. This is my spiritual practice in action. I do believe in a higher power and I believe that when I ask for help it is given. If I am open to receiving it, all the better. So, in a case like today, here's my Big Ask:
Dear Universe,
I am not feeling well at all today. I ask in faith for help returning to a healthy, vibrant state of being. I am willing to grow along spiritual lines and if I am here for a reason, please help me see what I'm meant to learn. Please also help me to know the truth about myself and various situations that are upsetting me so that I can make corrections. Most importantly, help me find acceptance in the moment so that I can allow you to guide and transform my life in the direction you see fit, which I believe is a positive one that enhances not only my own feelings of well being but also my purpose on this planet. I am very hungry for real purpose and meaningful connection, as well as a manageable schedule that is fit perfectly for me, as I am only human and there are only so many hours in the day.
With love, gratitude and my efforts to appreciate the blessings you bestow on me...
Lindsay
6. Release the need to act. I'm learning that letting go and not doing anything at all for a little while is a good, temporary measure. Don't make any decisions until things quiet down a little in the mind and body.
7. Make a list of about 10 people whose wisdom, support and personality make me smile.
8. Drink extra cold water and hot tea. (I also didn't mention I have a cold, so additional vitamin C would be a good idea.)
9. Don't blame myself or another for the current state of affairs. That said, be ready to look at the effects of my actions (thoughts, behaviors) and own them. I made a 20 item list on the 7 train this morning (there were delays) of the consequences of certain actions I've taken lately and it's not very pretty but it's all mine and I own it. This is the hardest thing to accept and face, that my life looks the way it does because of all the choices I've made to this day, and if I want my life to look differently then I am going to have to do things differently.
10. Realize that I don't have to frame my life as worse than it is in order to motivate. This is a BIG one for me and something I just realized with this post. I think it's directly related to overdramatizing things, as if I need to have a heightened experience of something (in a negative way) so that I give myself the necessary kick in the ass to deal and be proactive. What if, what if what if what if, I can realize that things really aren't that bad (back to #2), I mean, they really really aren't, but that doesn't mean there aren't a lot of changes I want to make and places I wish to improve and transform? That would be a more peaceful place to mentally hang out.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Floating
A separation again
this time for real
as I feel
I want closer
to my chosen
ideal
I was hooked and determined
but nothing I tried
would change him
dissatisfied
love
vulnerability
making plans for me
mind
looking for other perspectives
I do know what LOVE is
in caps
you, elated
for a little while
gentle peace eases pain
soft breaths dissolve the worry
what matters most is
feeling those feelings
all those feelings
aching to separate
floating to forget
graceful grownup woman
handling yourself with such care again
can you manage this tomorrow?
this time for real
as I feel
I want closer
to my chosen
ideal
I was hooked and determined
but nothing I tried
would change him
dissatisfied
love
vulnerability
making plans for me
mind
looking for other perspectives
I do know what LOVE is
in caps
you, elated
for a little while
gentle peace eases pain
soft breaths dissolve the worry
what matters most is
feeling those feelings
all those feelings
aching to separate
floating to forget
graceful grownup woman
handling yourself with such care again
can you manage this tomorrow?
On The Importance of Being Present
Good morning and Happy Valentine's Day!
For reasons that are becoming clearer to me as my morning coffee kicks in, I am not feeling sad today at all. I am not feeling sorry for myself that I'm single nor do I feel a tidal wave of negative emotion and projections that I will never find my soulmate (I believe in soulmates), get married and have children.
I guess my healing and recovery work's been helping! :)! I'm just kidding. I know it has and I'm very present to my own growth and evolution. I can see it and I can feel it, plus people and circumstances are mirroring back to me all the time how far I've come and the positive direction in which my life is headed!
Last night, for example, I was at my friend and mentor Erika's surprise engagement party. A lot of my fellow intenSati students and teachers were there and I felt the brilliance of the whole event. I felt so full of love and joy, it was pretty amazing. This, compared to actually skipping one of my best friend's wedding about 7 years ago because I was so bulimic and depressed that on the drive up to Mystic, CT, I started binge eating and ended up turning around and going home. I will never forget the shame and humiliation I felt at that time, how sorry I felt to miss that event. I will never let anything like that happen again. I am so grateful I am in recovery and able to show up for celebrations of life and love today.
I have to be honest, though, that when I saw some pictures from last night posted on Facebook this morning, I thought I looked really fat. I saw the light and joy in my face, yes, but I also zoomed in on my fleshy stomach, not to mention the broadness of my shoulders (all that punching!). I know I'm in my goal wt range so I am really intending that I find self acceptance now but also asking for the willingness to make some diet modifications that will help me lose some of that weight. I'm also going to start training my core. I am definitely adding a yoga class a week and commit to Sonic with Emiliya on Thursdays. This is a digression from what I wanted to post about but I just need to get it out there - thanks for listening. :)
So, back to what I was writing about at the top of this post -- the reason I am not sad this morning is because I have two things -- FAITH and ACCEPTANCE.
FAITH
I am aware and feel very loved from amazing friends and family. I also believe I will fall deeply in love, get married and have a family one day. I feel intuitively that it will happen for me in this lifetime. My intenSati practice and recovery work as well as years of therapy have taught me how to challenge all negative thoughts, doubts and core beliefs which led me to think I was unworthy of the kind of love my heart desires. I've also learned to open up to a power greater than myself - Source energy - so that even though I still have dark moments, the ones when I lose hope and faith, they are temporary and I return to light, an open window and belief. So, yes, while I definitely feel scared sometimes and just focus on an outcome that I don't desire, I think the more accurate reflection of my belief system is I DO believe it is going to happen for me. It's cool for me to feel and acknowledge that because it definitely is a sign of growth and healing. YES!
ACCEPTANCE
The other piece is acceptance. Again, through the programs and principles I now embrace, I am learning to practice acceptance for myself and my life. The beauty is that acceptance combined with gratitude and compassion causes my heart to beat vibrantly and my soul to rest. I don't like to project any more. I learn to live one day at a time because the Universe doesn't want me to do anything but practice acceptance for exactly what is here today, here now. I don't need to practice something like anticipatory acceptance which might involve something like, "Well, if I don't fall in love and get married I'll have a baby on my own in my late 30s and I could meet my husband at 50, it's really all good, la la la." No. I'm not playing like that. I don't want to project at all. I want to be in the day. SIMPLE. I really, really just want to be open, present and able to live the moment to the fullest. I love sports metaphors so all I can say is if I am playing in a soccer game and not paying astute, total attention to what's happening in the moment, I will be pretty useless to myself and the team. That actually reminds me of my experience breaking my ankle which happened because I wasn't paying attention. I was playing co-ed pick up in Park Slope and ran into a guy I knew from when I worked at New York Magazine. We were actually shmoozing on the field after the whistle blew (game on!). A few minutes later I went for a loose ball against a player on the other team (a very strong, big, Jamaican guy) because I didn't have the presence of mind to see I was totally behind the play and stepping into a tackle where I was waaaay disadvantaged. He plowed through my ankle and the rest is history. If that's not a lesson on the importance of being present, I don't know what is.
SO, with that, I affirm that I am here in the day today, February 14, 2010. I am going to do a short meditation (I already did 10 minutes this morning) to release some of those above-mentioned fat thoughts, which I don't really need today! I am going to clean up my beautiful apartment, perhaps take a bath because my back hurts a bit, go downtown and WORK IT OUT with Erika Shannon at Pure Strength and intenSati, get some relationship/love coaching with the Sati family and Handle Life Coach (Jo), see my brilliant friend Amanda perform in a play at 3pm, go see my other brilliant friend Marco sing at Bleeker Opera and then come home tonight and write a post for another blog to which I contribute. I am doing so much today that I love. What a disservice I would do myself and others if I were not present to the festivities.
Wishing you a LOVE filled, present Valentine's Day.
Lindsay
For reasons that are becoming clearer to me as my morning coffee kicks in, I am not feeling sad today at all. I am not feeling sorry for myself that I'm single nor do I feel a tidal wave of negative emotion and projections that I will never find my soulmate (I believe in soulmates), get married and have children.
I guess my healing and recovery work's been helping! :)! I'm just kidding. I know it has and I'm very present to my own growth and evolution. I can see it and I can feel it, plus people and circumstances are mirroring back to me all the time how far I've come and the positive direction in which my life is headed!
Last night, for example, I was at my friend and mentor Erika's surprise engagement party. A lot of my fellow intenSati students and teachers were there and I felt the brilliance of the whole event. I felt so full of love and joy, it was pretty amazing. This, compared to actually skipping one of my best friend's wedding about 7 years ago because I was so bulimic and depressed that on the drive up to Mystic, CT, I started binge eating and ended up turning around and going home. I will never forget the shame and humiliation I felt at that time, how sorry I felt to miss that event. I will never let anything like that happen again. I am so grateful I am in recovery and able to show up for celebrations of life and love today.
I have to be honest, though, that when I saw some pictures from last night posted on Facebook this morning, I thought I looked really fat. I saw the light and joy in my face, yes, but I also zoomed in on my fleshy stomach, not to mention the broadness of my shoulders (all that punching!). I know I'm in my goal wt range so I am really intending that I find self acceptance now but also asking for the willingness to make some diet modifications that will help me lose some of that weight. I'm also going to start training my core. I am definitely adding a yoga class a week and commit to Sonic with Emiliya on Thursdays. This is a digression from what I wanted to post about but I just need to get it out there - thanks for listening. :)
So, back to what I was writing about at the top of this post -- the reason I am not sad this morning is because I have two things -- FAITH and ACCEPTANCE.
FAITH
I am aware and feel very loved from amazing friends and family. I also believe I will fall deeply in love, get married and have a family one day. I feel intuitively that it will happen for me in this lifetime. My intenSati practice and recovery work as well as years of therapy have taught me how to challenge all negative thoughts, doubts and core beliefs which led me to think I was unworthy of the kind of love my heart desires. I've also learned to open up to a power greater than myself - Source energy - so that even though I still have dark moments, the ones when I lose hope and faith, they are temporary and I return to light, an open window and belief. So, yes, while I definitely feel scared sometimes and just focus on an outcome that I don't desire, I think the more accurate reflection of my belief system is I DO believe it is going to happen for me. It's cool for me to feel and acknowledge that because it definitely is a sign of growth and healing. YES!
ACCEPTANCE
The other piece is acceptance. Again, through the programs and principles I now embrace, I am learning to practice acceptance for myself and my life. The beauty is that acceptance combined with gratitude and compassion causes my heart to beat vibrantly and my soul to rest. I don't like to project any more. I learn to live one day at a time because the Universe doesn't want me to do anything but practice acceptance for exactly what is here today, here now. I don't need to practice something like anticipatory acceptance which might involve something like, "Well, if I don't fall in love and get married I'll have a baby on my own in my late 30s and I could meet my husband at 50, it's really all good, la la la." No. I'm not playing like that. I don't want to project at all. I want to be in the day. SIMPLE. I really, really just want to be open, present and able to live the moment to the fullest. I love sports metaphors so all I can say is if I am playing in a soccer game and not paying astute, total attention to what's happening in the moment, I will be pretty useless to myself and the team. That actually reminds me of my experience breaking my ankle which happened because I wasn't paying attention. I was playing co-ed pick up in Park Slope and ran into a guy I knew from when I worked at New York Magazine. We were actually shmoozing on the field after the whistle blew (game on!). A few minutes later I went for a loose ball against a player on the other team (a very strong, big, Jamaican guy) because I didn't have the presence of mind to see I was totally behind the play and stepping into a tackle where I was waaaay disadvantaged. He plowed through my ankle and the rest is history. If that's not a lesson on the importance of being present, I don't know what is.
SO, with that, I affirm that I am here in the day today, February 14, 2010. I am going to do a short meditation (I already did 10 minutes this morning) to release some of those above-mentioned fat thoughts, which I don't really need today! I am going to clean up my beautiful apartment, perhaps take a bath because my back hurts a bit, go downtown and WORK IT OUT with Erika Shannon at Pure Strength and intenSati, get some relationship/love coaching with the Sati family and Handle Life Coach (Jo), see my brilliant friend Amanda perform in a play at 3pm, go see my other brilliant friend Marco sing at Bleeker Opera and then come home tonight and write a post for another blog to which I contribute. I am doing so much today that I love. What a disservice I would do myself and others if I were not present to the festivities.
Wishing you a LOVE filled, present Valentine's Day.
Lindsay
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Gratitude, Honesty, Segment Intending
This morning, my quiet time is geared towards focusing on 3 things -- gratitude, honesty and segment intending. The gratitude I am cultivating is for the way my life looks today. When I focus on gratitude, I can remain present and deal with situations without running and hiding from anything or anybody, least of all myself. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about a fear I've had since I was a child. The fear thought goes, "It's gonna hurt. Bad." I literally have to remind myself at the start of a day that more likely than not, I will not attract pain today. Plus, if there is some pain, I can handle it because the Universe doesn't give you anything you can't cope with (especially if you know who to ask for support). Most importantly, if I repeat to myself that "It's gonna hurt" then the Universe will give me situations that do in fact cause me pain.
So, today I affirm: I am truly grateful for my life. I proceed today with an open heart and trust the Universe will shower me with love, blessings and happy events.
I've been having a field day lately expressing myself. I am telling people exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking. It's taking a lot of courage, but it's really working out for the best, and not because I am necessarily getting every outcome I want, or think I want, but because the people in my life are getting to know me exactly as I am. Then, they get to be fully honest with me, yay!! :) Feelings are funny things, aren't they? They change, fluctuate, expand, contract, disappear, return and remind. One of the hardest things to do is honor emotions without labeling ourselves as weak, hyperemotional or unhealthy. Right? I am committed to being an optimistic, positive person who approaches life with strength as opposed to playing the victim. However, I finally am learning and accepting that all feelings are there for a reason and I am way better off being honest with myself and caring judiciously for whatever emotional state I'm in. Otherwise, it's a lot like throwing shellac on a cracked wall. Just heal the cracks. It doesn't take too long but putting it off, putting it off, putting it off stops the process dead in its tracks.
Finally, with respect to segment intending, which is really just a fancy term for visualizing and feeling a certain outcome, I am paying close attention today to two things. The first is the intenSati class I am teaching at 12:45pm. I've been feeling a little ambivalent lately with respect to my own desires to teach. It's true. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I am. When I was a student the other night in Erika's class, I just felt comfy. I liked feeling no pressure and just being able to enjoy myself. So, I think what I most need and want to intend for myself today is that I let go of any pressure I'm putting on myself to succeed, be perfect, say the right thing, attract a lot of students -- all the self centered fear stuff. Rather, I intend to let go and fully enjoy what I'm doing!! If the fear comes up, I will feel it and lead anyway.
The second area of segment intending is simple energy management. Lately, I've been drinking a second cup of coffee at around 3 or 4pm. This is doing nothing for my health and it's affecting my sleep. I don't need it. So, just for today, I will not drink that second coffee and I will meet any cravings with cold water and herbal tea. I intend that my energy flows beautifully -- it is up and I am energized after I teach, then, I maintain a good flow until the early evening. I plan to be in bed by 10pm anyway since I'm staving off a cold, so it's not like I need help staying up!
Thanks for reading and I'm loving all the comments and emails you are leaving me, so please please continue. I hope reading this helps you on your journey today!
Love,
Lindsay
So, today I affirm: I am truly grateful for my life. I proceed today with an open heart and trust the Universe will shower me with love, blessings and happy events.
I've been having a field day lately expressing myself. I am telling people exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking. It's taking a lot of courage, but it's really working out for the best, and not because I am necessarily getting every outcome I want, or think I want, but because the people in my life are getting to know me exactly as I am. Then, they get to be fully honest with me, yay!! :) Feelings are funny things, aren't they? They change, fluctuate, expand, contract, disappear, return and remind. One of the hardest things to do is honor emotions without labeling ourselves as weak, hyperemotional or unhealthy. Right? I am committed to being an optimistic, positive person who approaches life with strength as opposed to playing the victim. However, I finally am learning and accepting that all feelings are there for a reason and I am way better off being honest with myself and caring judiciously for whatever emotional state I'm in. Otherwise, it's a lot like throwing shellac on a cracked wall. Just heal the cracks. It doesn't take too long but putting it off, putting it off, putting it off stops the process dead in its tracks.
Finally, with respect to segment intending, which is really just a fancy term for visualizing and feeling a certain outcome, I am paying close attention today to two things. The first is the intenSati class I am teaching at 12:45pm. I've been feeling a little ambivalent lately with respect to my own desires to teach. It's true. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I am. When I was a student the other night in Erika's class, I just felt comfy. I liked feeling no pressure and just being able to enjoy myself. So, I think what I most need and want to intend for myself today is that I let go of any pressure I'm putting on myself to succeed, be perfect, say the right thing, attract a lot of students -- all the self centered fear stuff. Rather, I intend to let go and fully enjoy what I'm doing!! If the fear comes up, I will feel it and lead anyway.
The second area of segment intending is simple energy management. Lately, I've been drinking a second cup of coffee at around 3 or 4pm. This is doing nothing for my health and it's affecting my sleep. I don't need it. So, just for today, I will not drink that second coffee and I will meet any cravings with cold water and herbal tea. I intend that my energy flows beautifully -- it is up and I am energized after I teach, then, I maintain a good flow until the early evening. I plan to be in bed by 10pm anyway since I'm staving off a cold, so it's not like I need help staying up!
Thanks for reading and I'm loving all the comments and emails you are leaving me, so please please continue. I hope reading this helps you on your journey today!
Love,
Lindsay
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Only Thing Standing Between Me and My Dreams is ME
I've been hearing from a lot of my friends and intenSati students lately for a little guidance and (dare I say) Lindspiration (!) from me. In speaking to them, I've remembered that:
The only thing standing in between me and my dreams coming true is me.
When my strongest desire was to become a successful, Hollywood actress, following in the footsteps of Meryl Streep and Sean Penn, I used to look every day at a picture of a red carpet with a caption I read once and wrote under it: There is nothing that a burning desire and consistent belief can't make real. I took a ton of acting classes, manifested gigs and worked my intenSati practice with this specific desire in mind. The only thing is, I did not practice consistent belief (I had way too much doubt) and I really didn't take ALL the inspired actions I could, though I certainly took some, and as the result I've had some success, just not at the level I dreamed about.
I think it's the cold hard truth. I think it's like the career equivalent of the book and half-baked movie He's Not That Into You, which, btw, my mom's close friend gave to me as a get well gift when I was in the hospital following ankle surgery. Ouch. The point? If you're not that into you, you won't get what you want.
When the guy wants you, when he really really really really really really wants you, he makes it clear. He calls you. He doesn't let you get away. Period. When you want something, doesn't it make sense you need to do the same in pursuit of your ambitions?
*
I was reading about what makes a blog successful and one of the things is:
Craft a message that fits with your personality, that matches what you want to convey to the world, and that also taps into the desires you plan to fulfill...and remember to stay in line with what you’re passionate about, what you really want to write about, what you know and have to offer.
I think what I have to offer is hope. Hope and inspiration. Hope and inspiration and humor and beauty. :) I've come a long way in my life and there is so much more I want to create and experience. What I believe about myself, what I've never lost site of, is that I am a brilliant woman. I used to be a brilliant girl. Now, I am a brilliant woman. I know I possess a depth of insight and talent that I want to communicate and pass on through writing, perhaps more performing and teaching. This is a good place to be and I am grateful.
So, I ask -- are you that into you?
With love,
Lindsay
The only thing standing in between me and my dreams coming true is me.
When my strongest desire was to become a successful, Hollywood actress, following in the footsteps of Meryl Streep and Sean Penn, I used to look every day at a picture of a red carpet with a caption I read once and wrote under it: There is nothing that a burning desire and consistent belief can't make real. I took a ton of acting classes, manifested gigs and worked my intenSati practice with this specific desire in mind. The only thing is, I did not practice consistent belief (I had way too much doubt) and I really didn't take ALL the inspired actions I could, though I certainly took some, and as the result I've had some success, just not at the level I dreamed about.
I think it's the cold hard truth. I think it's like the career equivalent of the book and half-baked movie He's Not That Into You, which, btw, my mom's close friend gave to me as a get well gift when I was in the hospital following ankle surgery. Ouch. The point? If you're not that into you, you won't get what you want.
When the guy wants you, when he really really really really really really wants you, he makes it clear. He calls you. He doesn't let you get away. Period. When you want something, doesn't it make sense you need to do the same in pursuit of your ambitions?
*
I was reading about what makes a blog successful and one of the things is:
Craft a message that fits with your personality, that matches what you want to convey to the world, and that also taps into the desires you plan to fulfill...and remember to stay in line with what you’re passionate about, what you really want to write about, what you know and have to offer.
I think what I have to offer is hope. Hope and inspiration. Hope and inspiration and humor and beauty. :) I've come a long way in my life and there is so much more I want to create and experience. What I believe about myself, what I've never lost site of, is that I am a brilliant woman. I used to be a brilliant girl. Now, I am a brilliant woman. I know I possess a depth of insight and talent that I want to communicate and pass on through writing, perhaps more performing and teaching. This is a good place to be and I am grateful.
So, I ask -- are you that into you?
With love,
Lindsay
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wow, Feedback
After posting a few days ago about my unfulfilled desire to be in the big relationship I've always desired and dreamed about, as well as my dilemna over whether to continue seeing a man I really like but who doesn't appear to be the one who can fulfill my desire, I got a TON of feedback. I mean, really, really, really, smart, insightful, poignant and graced feedback.
I feel very loved, that's the first thing to acknowledge. Not that I really doubted this, but I have friends and family who not only care VERY much about me but they also possess tremendous gifts to express themselves. I am so grateful for the presence of such powerful and loving people in my life. I am grateful I do not walk alone but more importantly, that I had the courage to ask for help and allow it in.
I was going to ask my friends if I can post some of their wise words but I decided against doing that. I'd rather just write 10 things I feel I've learned in the last few days, so here we go:
1/The angst I am feeling about caring deeply for a man but not being in a relationship that looks how I want it to look is normal but my suffering is optional. The way I choose to look at things can be empowering or self defeating.
2/I am completely and totally powerless over this man and any other person I will date or be in a relationship with. It is not my job to fix, heal or CHANGE anybody. The only person I can focus on changing is myself. When I focus on accepting the person I am free. When I focus on wanting him to change, I become trapped and frustrated.
3/My desire for a relationship has some healthy aspects but also some toxic ones. In other words, I am still, honestly, looking for something to take the pressure off my life and the challenges I face. NO MAN OR RELATIONSHIP WILL DO THAT and it is unfair to expect one to, it puts a burden on any potential relationship I could attract. Does this sound familiar? You start dating someone, you likey them a lot, and then you start gunning for the relationship? Full speed ahead! It's not even conscious, I get sucked into it and I swear to god I become like someone who is out in the blizzardy cold without a winter jacket and then finds something that might be a Northface full length -- ohh, the warm relief!!! BUT NO. No, no, no, no! I am not walking around chilled to the bone and jacketless. That is a F*$*# illusion in my mind. I am so much more protected, loved, stronger and capable than I even imagine but I FALL ASLEEP to this fact. It lands in my blind spot. To date from that place, ahh. It makes so much sense to me now.
4/Great sex is an expression of mutually felt chemistry, connection, passion and trust. It is a gift and something to affirm and be grateful for, this connecting on a deep level that involves body and soul. What it's not, however, is a bridge to commitment nor does it automatically translate into closeness on a mental or emotional level. I don't believe in casual sex -- I think you can only have it if you are cutting yourself off from the totality of your being, from all the aspects of yourself.
5/I am so full of love to give but I am intending clearing my channel so I can receive even more love.
6/I have deep seeded family issues that are triggered easily and there's a slogan which goes "if it's hysterical, it's historical" so it's really up to me to see about tracing what I'm feeling to my childhood. I've gotten pretty good at that, at locating the familiarity of a feeling based on past events, but the problem is I sometimes act first before I do that work so I act disproportionate to the experience happening in the present. If that makes any sense to you this means you're either an avid reader of my blog or someone I'd call a friend. :) Or both.
7/I deserve a man who melts my heart, makes my soul sing, enriches my life, inspires me, believes in miracles, loves me unconditionally, wants me more than he can stand to admit, and is a joyful addition to the magnificent life I am creating for myself. If I go so far as to become a parent, we will be ideal partners in procreation. (My brother came to Central Park intenSati and thought I was saying, "Every day in a very true way I procreate my reality." lol).
8/We are living in an age with very strong influences on women and men, many (or probably even most) of which are TOXIC. They pressure us to try to be what we're not, to disconnect from our soul's callings, our natural rhythms. There is so much external focus. So much ego driven, consumeristic, airbrushed, superficial, fear inducing, competitive, self centered, bullshit floating around that it can be distracting and hard to know who you are, why you're here and what you want. My peace and sanctuary is within. When I stay connected to it, I am always guided and I know what to do.
9/I like growth. I don't enjoy stalemate situations.
10/I really need a new job because sitting at a desk all day, even with this delicious freedom to blog, makes me feel so cooped up. I just needed a 10th item and that's the first thing that came to mind. :)
TO MY FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel very loved, that's the first thing to acknowledge. Not that I really doubted this, but I have friends and family who not only care VERY much about me but they also possess tremendous gifts to express themselves. I am so grateful for the presence of such powerful and loving people in my life. I am grateful I do not walk alone but more importantly, that I had the courage to ask for help and allow it in.
I was going to ask my friends if I can post some of their wise words but I decided against doing that. I'd rather just write 10 things I feel I've learned in the last few days, so here we go:
1/The angst I am feeling about caring deeply for a man but not being in a relationship that looks how I want it to look is normal but my suffering is optional. The way I choose to look at things can be empowering or self defeating.
2/I am completely and totally powerless over this man and any other person I will date or be in a relationship with. It is not my job to fix, heal or CHANGE anybody. The only person I can focus on changing is myself. When I focus on accepting the person I am free. When I focus on wanting him to change, I become trapped and frustrated.
3/My desire for a relationship has some healthy aspects but also some toxic ones. In other words, I am still, honestly, looking for something to take the pressure off my life and the challenges I face. NO MAN OR RELATIONSHIP WILL DO THAT and it is unfair to expect one to, it puts a burden on any potential relationship I could attract. Does this sound familiar? You start dating someone, you likey them a lot, and then you start gunning for the relationship? Full speed ahead! It's not even conscious, I get sucked into it and I swear to god I become like someone who is out in the blizzardy cold without a winter jacket and then finds something that might be a Northface full length -- ohh, the warm relief!!! BUT NO. No, no, no, no! I am not walking around chilled to the bone and jacketless. That is a F*$*# illusion in my mind. I am so much more protected, loved, stronger and capable than I even imagine but I FALL ASLEEP to this fact. It lands in my blind spot. To date from that place, ahh. It makes so much sense to me now.
4/Great sex is an expression of mutually felt chemistry, connection, passion and trust. It is a gift and something to affirm and be grateful for, this connecting on a deep level that involves body and soul. What it's not, however, is a bridge to commitment nor does it automatically translate into closeness on a mental or emotional level. I don't believe in casual sex -- I think you can only have it if you are cutting yourself off from the totality of your being, from all the aspects of yourself.
5/I am so full of love to give but I am intending clearing my channel so I can receive even more love.
6/I have deep seeded family issues that are triggered easily and there's a slogan which goes "if it's hysterical, it's historical" so it's really up to me to see about tracing what I'm feeling to my childhood. I've gotten pretty good at that, at locating the familiarity of a feeling based on past events, but the problem is I sometimes act first before I do that work so I act disproportionate to the experience happening in the present. If that makes any sense to you this means you're either an avid reader of my blog or someone I'd call a friend. :) Or both.
7/I deserve a man who melts my heart, makes my soul sing, enriches my life, inspires me, believes in miracles, loves me unconditionally, wants me more than he can stand to admit, and is a joyful addition to the magnificent life I am creating for myself. If I go so far as to become a parent, we will be ideal partners in procreation. (My brother came to Central Park intenSati and thought I was saying, "Every day in a very true way I procreate my reality." lol).
8/We are living in an age with very strong influences on women and men, many (or probably even most) of which are TOXIC. They pressure us to try to be what we're not, to disconnect from our soul's callings, our natural rhythms. There is so much external focus. So much ego driven, consumeristic, airbrushed, superficial, fear inducing, competitive, self centered, bullshit floating around that it can be distracting and hard to know who you are, why you're here and what you want. My peace and sanctuary is within. When I stay connected to it, I am always guided and I know what to do.
9/I like growth. I don't enjoy stalemate situations.
10/I really need a new job because sitting at a desk all day, even with this delicious freedom to blog, makes me feel so cooped up. I just needed a 10th item and that's the first thing that came to mind. :)
TO MY FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daily OM
My DAILY OM (www.dailyom.com) for today, 2/11/2010 posted in full for you to enjoy. You can sign up for your own and get an essay like this in your emailbox every day!
Open Heart
Returning Home
Approaching life with an open heart means that we have opened the door to a greater consciousness within ourselves.
Spiritual teachers have always pointed to the heart as the seat of consciousness, and recently Western science has found evidence to support this realization. It turns out that the heart has its own central nervous system and is not simply under the rule of the brain as formerly believed. Anyone who has taken the time to explore the heart knows this and, more important, has realized that the heart is the source of our connection to a consciousness greater than the ego. Approaching life with an open heart means that we have opened the door to this greater consciousness, taking up residence alongside it in the seat of our soul. Fortunately, at this time there is a lot of support for this shift energetically as well as practically. To some degree, approaching life with an open heart is as simple as shifting your attention onto your heart.
Eventually you will be able do this any time, any place, but at first it may help to try it in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Simply sit with your eyes closed and draw your breath into your heart. As your breath expands your chest cavity, your heart expands and opens. You may feel tenderness or sadness in your heart, and you may also feel relief. Any emotions that arise can be effectively witnessed and healed through the meditation process, which benefits both your physical heart and your energetic heart. The more you practice, the more you will find your heart opening to your own presence and to all the situations your life brings.
When we open our hearts, they may feel tender and vulnerable, which simply means that they need our loving attention as we cleanse and heal them of past hurts and blockages. This process asks us to practice some of the heart’s greatest lessons—patience, compassion, and unconditional love. On the other hand, we may take up residence as effortlessly as a bird returns to its nest. Either way, approaching life with an open heart simply means returning to our true home.
So simple.
Open Heart
Returning Home
Approaching life with an open heart means that we have opened the door to a greater consciousness within ourselves.
Spiritual teachers have always pointed to the heart as the seat of consciousness, and recently Western science has found evidence to support this realization. It turns out that the heart has its own central nervous system and is not simply under the rule of the brain as formerly believed. Anyone who has taken the time to explore the heart knows this and, more important, has realized that the heart is the source of our connection to a consciousness greater than the ego. Approaching life with an open heart means that we have opened the door to this greater consciousness, taking up residence alongside it in the seat of our soul. Fortunately, at this time there is a lot of support for this shift energetically as well as practically. To some degree, approaching life with an open heart is as simple as shifting your attention onto your heart.
Eventually you will be able do this any time, any place, but at first it may help to try it in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Simply sit with your eyes closed and draw your breath into your heart. As your breath expands your chest cavity, your heart expands and opens. You may feel tenderness or sadness in your heart, and you may also feel relief. Any emotions that arise can be effectively witnessed and healed through the meditation process, which benefits both your physical heart and your energetic heart. The more you practice, the more you will find your heart opening to your own presence and to all the situations your life brings.
When we open our hearts, they may feel tender and vulnerable, which simply means that they need our loving attention as we cleanse and heal them of past hurts and blockages. This process asks us to practice some of the heart’s greatest lessons—patience, compassion, and unconditional love. On the other hand, we may take up residence as effortlessly as a bird returns to its nest. Either way, approaching life with an open heart simply means returning to our true home.
So simple.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Diving In
Well, I called it, didn't I? I said it's Face the Truth February so it's high time I go for the deep stuff. I never know when I start writing where it's going to lead or if I'm going to post all, part or none of what comes out. There is a freedom for me in allowing myself that space. I am conscious of my power of choice.
I am also conscious over areas in my life where I am powerless and trying to control what is NOT MINE to control. That is the essence of the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am dating a man who I really enjoy and care about. The problem is I have this very deep desire for a relationship and he doesn't. Or, if he does, it's precluded by other commitments in his life, personal and professional. Either way, he doesn't give me all that I want. I stopped seeing him because I thought I would be settling if I continued. Then, I missed him so much and changed my mind. I went back to him, thinking I can meet these needs myself (or through my incredible network of friends) instead of relying on him. I said to myself: I can also learn to live with less, I am probably too wanty anyway, what with all this desire pumping I do in class, I'm probably just deluding myself into thinking I need more from this man than I really do. He could be fun, we can have fun together, but I don't need more. He really cares about me so much that probably if I'm just more patient it really will deepen. It will progress. I'll get the relationship I want in the end. It's got to happen that way because I am such a good person and loving and deserve it, so why wouldn't it have a happy ending if I'm just patient. Yes, patience is what I have to learn here.
Well, I feel awful. I want to want less from him.
Is there any way that can be an empowered thought or statement? One reflecting self respect? I thought my job is to identify what I want, establish if I'm asking for too much but if I'm not, going out and getting it. So, in this case, how much is too much? Do I NEED him to tell me he loves me? No. Do I WANT him to? Yes. Do I need him to be the one who helps me fall asleep when I'm so overtired and exhausted I don't want to brush my teeth and the song in my head replays "just stay in bed for 2 days, who cares?" NO. Do I WANT him to?
Yes.
Do I need HIM to be the one with whom I cram in all the Oscar nominated films I missed before the big ceremony? NO. Do I have a gazillion friends who I can do this with? Of course, yes. But I want it to be him. The list goes on and on. I want to cook with him, but I can cook alone. I want to read poetry with him, but I can do that alone, too. I want to watch stupid shows on TV but I can do that with friends.
I want to be stronger so I can just enjoy the times we do spend together, but then when I look at couples that have what I share with this man (presumably) but on TOP of that they are IN LOVE, I'm like, WAITAMINUTE, I WANT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wtf.
I am building self respect. That's one of this month's affirmations. Step by step. I am building self respect. It's not about trying to control someone. I can respect him and his wants and needs, I try to, but if I'm going to respect myself fully in this scenario then what would it look like?
This is like the hardest thing. It is so painful, and I am now carrying around this pain and need to figure out the best way to release and let go. I don't want to suffer and I want to get back to my joy. I really do.
So I am willing to return to my commitment to honor myself, my light, my beauty and my power of choice. I am grateful for all that has led me this exact point. I can allow myself to shed tears without really knowing why, without fear they'll last forever, without calling myself "weak", without knowing what the future holds.
I think one other thing is that in the end I don't believe it's up to me. Some would argue that in practicing complete faith, Law of Attraction, etc., I can write my story and control if I manifest the relationship and family of my desire. I have to be honest -- I do not believe that is true. Why? Because I believe in a Higher Power that determines things ultimately and for some reason, for all I know, HP may have me in this life cycle learning to live without a husband and family. I don't know.
The reality is that I see women all around me who are fabulous, single and not having children even though it's what they deeply desire.
So again, I don't know.
Maybe that's the truth.
I don't know. I want to accept what I can't control and let go. I feel sad and I feel jealous of people who have what I want.
I believe I am beautiful but I don't want to be or feel I'm being ignored.
I am also conscious over areas in my life where I am powerless and trying to control what is NOT MINE to control. That is the essence of the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I am dating a man who I really enjoy and care about. The problem is I have this very deep desire for a relationship and he doesn't. Or, if he does, it's precluded by other commitments in his life, personal and professional. Either way, he doesn't give me all that I want. I stopped seeing him because I thought I would be settling if I continued. Then, I missed him so much and changed my mind. I went back to him, thinking I can meet these needs myself (or through my incredible network of friends) instead of relying on him. I said to myself: I can also learn to live with less, I am probably too wanty anyway, what with all this desire pumping I do in class, I'm probably just deluding myself into thinking I need more from this man than I really do. He could be fun, we can have fun together, but I don't need more. He really cares about me so much that probably if I'm just more patient it really will deepen. It will progress. I'll get the relationship I want in the end. It's got to happen that way because I am such a good person and loving and deserve it, so why wouldn't it have a happy ending if I'm just patient. Yes, patience is what I have to learn here.
Well, I feel awful. I want to want less from him.
Is there any way that can be an empowered thought or statement? One reflecting self respect? I thought my job is to identify what I want, establish if I'm asking for too much but if I'm not, going out and getting it. So, in this case, how much is too much? Do I NEED him to tell me he loves me? No. Do I WANT him to? Yes. Do I need him to be the one who helps me fall asleep when I'm so overtired and exhausted I don't want to brush my teeth and the song in my head replays "just stay in bed for 2 days, who cares?" NO. Do I WANT him to?
Yes.
Do I need HIM to be the one with whom I cram in all the Oscar nominated films I missed before the big ceremony? NO. Do I have a gazillion friends who I can do this with? Of course, yes. But I want it to be him. The list goes on and on. I want to cook with him, but I can cook alone. I want to read poetry with him, but I can do that alone, too. I want to watch stupid shows on TV but I can do that with friends.
I want to be stronger so I can just enjoy the times we do spend together, but then when I look at couples that have what I share with this man (presumably) but on TOP of that they are IN LOVE, I'm like, WAITAMINUTE, I WANT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wtf.
I am building self respect. That's one of this month's affirmations. Step by step. I am building self respect. It's not about trying to control someone. I can respect him and his wants and needs, I try to, but if I'm going to respect myself fully in this scenario then what would it look like?
This is like the hardest thing. It is so painful, and I am now carrying around this pain and need to figure out the best way to release and let go. I don't want to suffer and I want to get back to my joy. I really do.
So I am willing to return to my commitment to honor myself, my light, my beauty and my power of choice. I am grateful for all that has led me this exact point. I can allow myself to shed tears without really knowing why, without fear they'll last forever, without calling myself "weak", without knowing what the future holds.
I think one other thing is that in the end I don't believe it's up to me. Some would argue that in practicing complete faith, Law of Attraction, etc., I can write my story and control if I manifest the relationship and family of my desire. I have to be honest -- I do not believe that is true. Why? Because I believe in a Higher Power that determines things ultimately and for some reason, for all I know, HP may have me in this life cycle learning to live without a husband and family. I don't know.
The reality is that I see women all around me who are fabulous, single and not having children even though it's what they deeply desire.
So again, I don't know.
Maybe that's the truth.
I don't know. I want to accept what I can't control and let go. I feel sad and I feel jealous of people who have what I want.
I believe I am beautiful but I don't want to be or feel I'm being ignored.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Visualize Success
Hi, I am starting my day off with ten minutes of a visualization meditation. Here is what I will be visualizing:
3 minutes devoted to my strength, power and effectiveness as an intenSati teacher today as I sub for Erika and then teach a portion of my series to the Warrior Challengers. I have all the energy I need. The students have an amazing, positive, uplifting experience.
That was cool. I noticed the visualization changed when in my mind I turned around and faced the students. I saw them all lighting up, smiling, working their asses off, celebrating. It definitely felt great and was more effective than focusing on what my teaching looked like. I used a 3 minute Sati song so that worked to really get the feeling of being in the class.
3 minutes devoted to my ability to let go of obsessive thinking about myself that is negative. I've been worrying a lot lately so I want to visualize letting the thoughts just drift up into the sky and dissipate.
Okay, that was great! I used Ice Dance from Edward Scissorhands. The thoughts that came to mind were actually labels: Fat, Ugly, Broke/Broken, Alone. Can you believe that?! Ahhh. That's what bubbled to the surface, so I let them each go up to the sky and into the clouds. Then, towards the end I let the clouds part and the sun shone through. This one actually brought tears to my eyes -- tears of relief to let those mean thoughts float away.
3 minutes devoted to my financial health and abundance. I see myself debt free and enjoying freedom.
That one was fun! Don't laugh at this expression of creativity but I did pick a cardio remix of Eddie MONEY's "Take Me Home Tonight" for this one. I saw myself cashing checks I earned for writing, acting, singing and teaching intenSati. Then, I saw myself in this money chamber with tons of $100 dollar bills floating around like on the game show that I can't remember. After that, I visualized my bank account growing to 6 figures and making an internal transfer to pay off my checking plus line and then my AMEX bill. I was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Hey, whatever works -- this is my visualization. :)
1 minute devoted to the mantra "The truth sets me free."
I did two minutes. I guess the truth is worth more than a minute. I actually went up into my head with this one, wondering how to define truth. My energy went a little bit down with this and I'm not sure why.
Off to get ready for class now...
Lindsay
3 minutes devoted to my strength, power and effectiveness as an intenSati teacher today as I sub for Erika and then teach a portion of my series to the Warrior Challengers. I have all the energy I need. The students have an amazing, positive, uplifting experience.
That was cool. I noticed the visualization changed when in my mind I turned around and faced the students. I saw them all lighting up, smiling, working their asses off, celebrating. It definitely felt great and was more effective than focusing on what my teaching looked like. I used a 3 minute Sati song so that worked to really get the feeling of being in the class.
3 minutes devoted to my ability to let go of obsessive thinking about myself that is negative. I've been worrying a lot lately so I want to visualize letting the thoughts just drift up into the sky and dissipate.
Okay, that was great! I used Ice Dance from Edward Scissorhands. The thoughts that came to mind were actually labels: Fat, Ugly, Broke/Broken, Alone. Can you believe that?! Ahhh. That's what bubbled to the surface, so I let them each go up to the sky and into the clouds. Then, towards the end I let the clouds part and the sun shone through. This one actually brought tears to my eyes -- tears of relief to let those mean thoughts float away.
3 minutes devoted to my financial health and abundance. I see myself debt free and enjoying freedom.
That one was fun! Don't laugh at this expression of creativity but I did pick a cardio remix of Eddie MONEY's "Take Me Home Tonight" for this one. I saw myself cashing checks I earned for writing, acting, singing and teaching intenSati. Then, I saw myself in this money chamber with tons of $100 dollar bills floating around like on the game show that I can't remember. After that, I visualized my bank account growing to 6 figures and making an internal transfer to pay off my checking plus line and then my AMEX bill. I was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Hey, whatever works -- this is my visualization. :)
1 minute devoted to the mantra "The truth sets me free."
I did two minutes. I guess the truth is worth more than a minute. I actually went up into my head with this one, wondering how to define truth. My energy went a little bit down with this and I'm not sure why.
Off to get ready for class now...
Lindsay
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Saying Yes To Expansion
I have clearly identified a pattern that is hindering my growth.
I DESIRE something. I ALLOW it and flow towards it.
Then, I freak out and I try to fight and resist what I've created that actually is in alignment with my own dream.
I don't know why -- it either scares me or maybe I don't think I'm worth it? Seriously, if anybody has any insight into why this happens, I really welcome it!
It is odd and unusual. I then go back to paying attention to the absence of what I want, which is depressing, always.
This is definitely one of those posts which acknowledges that I really don't have the answer at all and am asking for insight.
"Wanting in belief is life giving. Wanting in doubt is horrible. You have the choice. It will knock your socks off to let yourself flow towards it..." -Esther Hicks
I DESIRE something. I ALLOW it and flow towards it.
Then, I freak out and I try to fight and resist what I've created that actually is in alignment with my own dream.
I don't know why -- it either scares me or maybe I don't think I'm worth it? Seriously, if anybody has any insight into why this happens, I really welcome it!
It is odd and unusual. I then go back to paying attention to the absence of what I want, which is depressing, always.
This is definitely one of those posts which acknowledges that I really don't have the answer at all and am asking for insight.
"Wanting in belief is life giving. Wanting in doubt is horrible. You have the choice. It will knock your socks off to let yourself flow towards it..." -Esther Hicks
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Love Poem
Hi, this is a poem I wrote that I like to turn to when the going gets a little rough. I hope you enjoy, it has a pretty basic rhyme scheme but I kind of like it how that gives it a soothing quality......
May you find your way to love
no matter how many hours it takes
may you find your way to happiness
no matter how many little mistakes
may you find your way to freedom
no matter how many moments you're stuck
may you find your way to acceptance
no matter that you feel down on your luck
may you keep a wide open heart
no matter how many times it gets broken
may you keep a wide open smile
no matter how many doubts you have spoken
may you keep yourself on the path
under half moons that shine from above
may you realize the
simplest truth
is it always
comes back
to
Love.
May you find your way to love
no matter how many hours it takes
may you find your way to happiness
no matter how many little mistakes
may you find your way to freedom
no matter how many moments you're stuck
may you find your way to acceptance
no matter that you feel down on your luck
may you keep a wide open heart
no matter how many times it gets broken
may you keep a wide open smile
no matter how many doubts you have spoken
may you keep yourself on the path
under half moons that shine from above
may you realize the
simplest truth
is it always
comes back
to
Love.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Power of A Clear DESIRE
Hi. I am LOVING and moving right along with the power of Face The Truth, which is the title of my February intenSati series (see my last post)...
Okay, here's the deal. I've been afraid to be clear about what I truly desire. I hear other people exclaim and declare with tremendous clarity and precision what they really, really want and I see them move about with a metaphorical (and metaphysical!) machete, cutting out things which are not for their highest good. Then, I see them get what they want and it is very, very exciting!!!
With the mantra THE TRUTH SETS ME FREE that I practice with the intenSati action CAREFREE, I am allowing the truth of what I really DESIRE to bubble up to the surface...
CLEARLY
With respect to my career, here is what I want to be doing: For starters, I want to be teaching intenSati, which I LOVE, to hundreds of people both at Equinox, outside of Equinox, in New York, and around the country. Heck, around the world. Why not!? I love teaching, I seem to be quite good at it, students love the practice annnnnd it is good for humanity. It is truly all good. :) On the acting front, I am ready for the Big Time. Done. So, I am intuiting it would be GREAT to start with a familiar right of passage for New York actors -- LAW & ORDER. I am ready to have a great speaking role on one or more episodes, and I would REALLY like it to be a Criminal Intent with Vincent D'Onofrio. On stage, I want to give a brilliant performance in the play I'll be in on Feb 27/28 called "Tour DeForce" and do another play in a few months with the outstanding Amanda Gates-Ellison, a stellar actress and friend of mine. I sing, too, and want to be performing my music, continue to write new songs and collaborate with other musicians, YES! I want to have a music video, at least one, in under 12 months time. I also want to publish my poetry and essays. I've written some good stuff on here -- right?! :) -- and I would love to see it in print or on a kindel or an Ipad or something! As far as money goes, I want to make equal or more than the amount of money I currently make as an Exective Assistant and have wonderful health benefits, too. It is my desire to grow and attract more abundance and have complete financial solvency.
SOOOOOOO, once the DESIRE is free and expressed, like it is here, the next job is to ALLOW and here's how I've learned to do that. First, I appreciate and feel good in the place that I am presently and affirm the abundance of it all. That's not too hard for me while I'm teaching and performing, but when I get to my DESK JOB it becomes very, very difficult and I find myself really having to focus on positive thoughts to keep my mental garden from getting infested with weeds. Rather, just appreciate the job, the money, the benefits, the people, what I am learning here -- BE GRATEFUL FOR THE MOMENT. Keep that state of mind (hi Discipline) while I take time to visualize, feel, taste, smell, own, the fulfillment of what I DESIRE. Practice absolute faith and trust that it is on the way. When the mantras of doubt creep in, practice "I want it, I got it" and just relax.........
What about my love life? I DESIRE a healthy, solid, amazing relationship with my soul mate. I am learning to appreciate being single (So long, self pity) and get excited about what's on the way! Each day, I take time out to feel what it feels like to be living my life with my soul mate. I am so vivid and even though I can't see what his face looks like, ha ha, I can still just feel it and it's SO beautiful to me. Building on one of last month's intenSati affirmations -- I focus on my beauty -- I passionately affirm my beauty as a partner. I can see and accept what a wonderful girlfriend I would make and I can even now go so far to say I will make AN INCREDIBLE WIFE and MOM!!!!!!! I was never able to say that. I thought I was not stable enough. I thought I had too much work to do on me. Well, now I know that the real truth is I have so many skills that would just make me an incredible wife and mom. So I stand in the power of that belief with an open heart to receive the man who is perfect with me. Beautiful.
THANK YOU for reading and I encourage you to fearlessly tap into your heart's desire today. Love, Lindsay
Okay, here's the deal. I've been afraid to be clear about what I truly desire. I hear other people exclaim and declare with tremendous clarity and precision what they really, really want and I see them move about with a metaphorical (and metaphysical!) machete, cutting out things which are not for their highest good. Then, I see them get what they want and it is very, very exciting!!!
With the mantra THE TRUTH SETS ME FREE that I practice with the intenSati action CAREFREE, I am allowing the truth of what I really DESIRE to bubble up to the surface...
CLEARLY
With respect to my career, here is what I want to be doing: For starters, I want to be teaching intenSati, which I LOVE, to hundreds of people both at Equinox, outside of Equinox, in New York, and around the country. Heck, around the world. Why not!? I love teaching, I seem to be quite good at it, students love the practice annnnnd it is good for humanity. It is truly all good. :) On the acting front, I am ready for the Big Time. Done. So, I am intuiting it would be GREAT to start with a familiar right of passage for New York actors -- LAW & ORDER. I am ready to have a great speaking role on one or more episodes, and I would REALLY like it to be a Criminal Intent with Vincent D'Onofrio. On stage, I want to give a brilliant performance in the play I'll be in on Feb 27/28 called "Tour DeForce" and do another play in a few months with the outstanding Amanda Gates-Ellison, a stellar actress and friend of mine. I sing, too, and want to be performing my music, continue to write new songs and collaborate with other musicians, YES! I want to have a music video, at least one, in under 12 months time. I also want to publish my poetry and essays. I've written some good stuff on here -- right?! :) -- and I would love to see it in print or on a kindel or an Ipad or something! As far as money goes, I want to make equal or more than the amount of money I currently make as an Exective Assistant and have wonderful health benefits, too. It is my desire to grow and attract more abundance and have complete financial solvency.
SOOOOOOO, once the DESIRE is free and expressed, like it is here, the next job is to ALLOW and here's how I've learned to do that. First, I appreciate and feel good in the place that I am presently and affirm the abundance of it all. That's not too hard for me while I'm teaching and performing, but when I get to my DESK JOB it becomes very, very difficult and I find myself really having to focus on positive thoughts to keep my mental garden from getting infested with weeds. Rather, just appreciate the job, the money, the benefits, the people, what I am learning here -- BE GRATEFUL FOR THE MOMENT. Keep that state of mind (hi Discipline) while I take time to visualize, feel, taste, smell, own, the fulfillment of what I DESIRE. Practice absolute faith and trust that it is on the way. When the mantras of doubt creep in, practice "I want it, I got it" and just relax.........
What about my love life? I DESIRE a healthy, solid, amazing relationship with my soul mate. I am learning to appreciate being single (So long, self pity) and get excited about what's on the way! Each day, I take time out to feel what it feels like to be living my life with my soul mate. I am so vivid and even though I can't see what his face looks like, ha ha, I can still just feel it and it's SO beautiful to me. Building on one of last month's intenSati affirmations -- I focus on my beauty -- I passionately affirm my beauty as a partner. I can see and accept what a wonderful girlfriend I would make and I can even now go so far to say I will make AN INCREDIBLE WIFE and MOM!!!!!!! I was never able to say that. I thought I was not stable enough. I thought I had too much work to do on me. Well, now I know that the real truth is I have so many skills that would just make me an incredible wife and mom. So I stand in the power of that belief with an open heart to receive the man who is perfect with me. Beautiful.
THANK YOU for reading and I encourage you to fearlessly tap into your heart's desire today. Love, Lindsay
Monday, February 1, 2010
Facing The Truth
Hi everybody! I am so happy to share my new series with you this morning! It builds on the amazing Let Your Voice Lead intenSati writing workshop I held a few days ago and also from the Spiritual Leadership seminar that Patricia Moreno and Laurie Gerber (Handel Group) held yesterday.
What I learned is a true leader is an honest leader. The real "Secret" is not to have secrets!! We dissolve our shame and get out of our way when we are honest with ourselves and with others.
So, with that, welcome to...
FACE THE TRUTH FEBRUARY
I am powerful! (WILLPOWER)
I am inspired! (INSPIRED)
I am confident! (CONFIDENCE)
I feel desire! (DESIRE - I want it, I want it, I want it, I GOT IT!)
Step by step! (DETERMINATION)
I am building self respect! (SELF-RESPECT)
The truth sets me free! (CAREFREE)
I let my voice lead! (V STEP)
I intend (INTENTION)
to open (RECEIVE)
my heart (COMPASSION)
and grow (ENLIGHTENMENT)
I am honest with myself I am (GRATITUDE with CHIN MUDRA HANDS)
letting go. (READY)
See you in class -- Monday and Wednesday at 7AM (Park/33rd) and Saturday at 12:45PM (Lex/63rd)!
Please note that I am no longer teaching Friday mornings at Chelsea. Thank you again to Natalia for the opportunity to cover her morning classes!
Also, I am subbing for Erika Shannon on 2/7 at 11am (19th and Broadway).
Please invite your friends to join this FB group!! GUEST PASSES AVAILABLE FOR ALL MY CLASSES!
Thank you and I wish you strength and courage on your journey to wellness, happiness and greater expressions of love in your life.
What I learned is a true leader is an honest leader. The real "Secret" is not to have secrets!! We dissolve our shame and get out of our way when we are honest with ourselves and with others.
So, with that, welcome to...
FACE THE TRUTH FEBRUARY
I am powerful! (WILLPOWER)
I am inspired! (INSPIRED)
I am confident! (CONFIDENCE)
I feel desire! (DESIRE - I want it, I want it, I want it, I GOT IT!)
Step by step! (DETERMINATION)
I am building self respect! (SELF-RESPECT)
The truth sets me free! (CAREFREE)
I let my voice lead! (V STEP)
I intend (INTENTION)
to open (RECEIVE)
my heart (COMPASSION)
and grow (ENLIGHTENMENT)
I am honest with myself I am (GRATITUDE with CHIN MUDRA HANDS)
letting go. (READY)
See you in class -- Monday and Wednesday at 7AM (Park/33rd) and Saturday at 12:45PM (Lex/63rd)!
Please note that I am no longer teaching Friday mornings at Chelsea. Thank you again to Natalia for the opportunity to cover her morning classes!
Also, I am subbing for Erika Shannon on 2/7 at 11am (19th and Broadway).
Please invite your friends to join this FB group!! GUEST PASSES AVAILABLE FOR ALL MY CLASSES!
Thank you and I wish you strength and courage on your journey to wellness, happiness and greater expressions of love in your life.
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