Masks and Memories

I was The Scarecrow at my own party

wore my father's jeans

stuffed with crumpled sections of the New York Times

and his oversized, navy plaid shirt.

I carefully smudged my mother's Georgette Klinger creme blush

on my two cheeks like fixed Checkers pieces.

I envied Dorothy

with her long braids, tight bows and glittery shoes

and also applauded the mess she made,

her fire-engine red sparkles

only partially fixed with Elmer's

spread all across my parents' spotless floor.

I loved The Cowardly Lion

had no idea she carried so much fear

hid so well beneath a veneer

of come on

and ease on down the

road confidence.

I understood The Tin Man

stiff in homemade cardboard sprayed silver

the genius among us and probably bored

until loosened by some oil for the intellect

rescued with the gift of heart

inside an awareness of time ticking

reminding us to appreciate

every moment

minute

second.

Masks

reveal more than you

intend

Memories

recall more than you

remember.

Best, xo

Lindsay

Less for More

Good morning,

I got it, I got it, I really really got it!

I'm not talking about any particular material thing, I'm talking about an insight. We affirmed it yesterday in that October Sunrise video clip with Joni Mitchell's "If" based on the Rudyard Kipling poem. "You've got the fight, you've got the insight..." Let's discuss.

The first half about having "the fight" really resonated for me and one of the ways is through what my mentor calls bounce-back-ability. I've talked about it before on this blog and will say it again because it's about perseverance. How quickly do you get up after a setback? Do you let a disappointment linger, fester, grow, and turn into some grand rationalization to avoid doing what you love or what's in your best interest?

Or, do you use it as an opportunity to build and increase resilience and acceptance that your journey isn't a perfect straight line in the forward direction? When I came to understand I will make mistakes and people or circumstances will sometimes disappoint, when I truly accepted that in my heart THIS IS ALL OK and can co-exist with my desire for and expectation of excellence, I started to feel much freer.

Cozy up to real life! (I don't know these guys but I like their sound.)

The second part of the line/lyric "you've got the insight" is kind of what I live for. :) Don't you love that feeling of calling or texting a friend to tell them "I've had an epiphany!" I used to do that a lot. Now I try and save that word lest I overuse it and become the insight queen of crying wolf. "I've had an epiphany and I KNOW WHY I prefer Pop Tarts toasted instead of uncooked!" That's overuse. :)

Still, what I came to yesterday that I want to offer you today is an insight concerning my need to focus on fewer things. One example is my fitness teaching. I LOVE it but in lieu of my recovering body and a few other commitments that are a higher priority in my life right now, I honestly don't want to devote as much time to teaching and taking as many classes as I thought I would at this point. One class feels perfect and enough. The trust/faith aspect is that I am choosing wisely for myself (trusting intuition) and faith that I will manifest a way to teach and inspire people (my passion) through my writing and performing arts, which I am giving more time and attention to these days.

Do you want to be like a fluffy pancake or a somewhat flimsy crepe, the latter of which is the result of ingredients whisked together and spread thinly across a wide surface? Or, perhaps you are focusing exclusively on a manageable number of commitments but you are distracted by thoughts and feelings that pull you away from full engagement with the task at hand. There's only so much of your batter to go around, so distribute it wisely unless you want to feel like this all the time:

To close, this is my last time teaching the October intenSati series I wrote and I want to share the affirmations with you one more time before I move onto my new, November series.

Yes, I'm feeling better. I am back and I am better than ever. I know what I want and I am willing to be happy. What I seek is seeking me. Where's my strength? It's from within. How do I play? I play to win. My positive energy heals myself. My positive energy helps someone else. I surrender what was, in this moment I am loved. I surrender what was, I am open to love.

!!!!!

Have a beautiful day -- YOU DESERVE IT.

With gratitude,

Lindsay

Clear Seeing

Last night was the first session in months of voice lessons that my teacher and I actually worked on a song. Up until now, it's been strict vocal calisthenics. I went to Colony before class and asked for a pre-1970 Broadway selection for a mezzo-soprano (that's me, woo hoo, thought I was an alto) and I was given a musical called, On a Clear Day You Can See Forever, book by Alan Jay Lerner; music by Burton Lane. It's about a woman who is reincarnated from a previous existence as an English Aristocrat into a rather ordinary woman with a few extraordinary powers, including ESP and an ability to make plants grow. Ok.

Ben Brantley, the long-time critic for the New York Times did give props to the score which he called, "lushly melodic" but he deemed the book "strained and muddled" and the production numbers "simply cumbersome." Speaking of ESP, ha ha, yesterday morning I mentioned Barbara Streisand's stage freight in my blog post about leaving your comfort zone. As it turns out, Babs herself starred in the film version of this musical! Here's a clip:

How can you not love her? Orange dress and white tights/boots? Yes.

I do love my voice teacher Richard Dorr and I've been recording all my lessons with this man who feels like he could've been my grandpa. He is in his mid-late 70s, I think, and has been around a long time with John Mace. Together they coach well-regarded musical theatre and cabaret singers at all levels. He tells me all these little anecdotes and I hope I can post segments with his permission one day, since they're so engaging. Last night, he was telling me about Vanessa Redgrave in the new production of Driving Miss Daisy with James Earl Jones. Vanessa is John's student. Hey! Another synchronicity -- the lead in the musical On a Clear Day... is named Daisy Grimes. :) John said the show was wonderful and after party at the Plaza Hotel was starrrrrr studded.

Of course we go to the theatre for all sorts of reasons, including to get lost in another person's story, to witness reflections of our own humanity and vast array of emotions in a safe, contained space (i.e., a beautiful theatre) and for the satisfaction of a drama resolved in a limited time frame. Real life is a bit more complex and nuanced, isn't it. I am grateful for those who teach me to perform dramatically and others in my real life who help me understand that drama can be contained if I don't feed it.

Enjoy the October sunrise. I hope you enjoy this clear day with open eyes and feel a sense of stillness within that stays with you from now into the evening.

With xo,

Lindsay

Jump into You

I can remember times in acting class when I would show up without knowing my lines. I may have had a sort-of-kind-of-under-no-pressure-know-them working knowledge of the text, but when the game was on and live people were in seats watching, it wasn't enough. My acting coach at the time would ask me (and others who arrived with the same degree of unpreparedness), "Do you really want this? Because if not, don't waste your own time, really."

Of course I did, or, do!! Yes yes! Right? That's what I thought. Why else would I be doing this for years and years? Auditioning, facing a lot of ups and downs that go along with rejection, criticism, the thrill of nailing a gig and then facing months without another one, losing parts I wanted, getting ones I didn't, feeling creatively stalled on my own writing, discovering news ways of approaching the work and finding out things about my own strengths and vulnerabilities that you would think are reserved for therapy. Why would I tolerate staying in boring day jobs and continually drinking from Passion Kool-Aid, which, as any Artist With A Day Job will admit, makes it HARDER to do anything other than what you deeply love. Why would I trek around town with my props and costume in a suitcase on wheels, and constantly answer people's, "Oh, are you going on a trip?" question, to which I would say, "Sort of" and then mumble under my breath, "A trip inside the miiiiind and imagination, yup..." and be on my merry way? Why would I do this all if I didn't in my heart truly want to succeed?

Some people say if you want to know what you're thinking, or, more specifically, if you want to know what you believe about yourself and what you deserve, take a look at your life. Since you are constantly co-creating experiences and have a strong hand in the situations you attract or manifest, what do your present circumstances reveal about you? What kinds of friendships, relationships, health habits, work and emotional well being do you have right now in your life? It may be that you have exactly what you want, but it's hard to admit that this is in fact, what you want, if it's at odds with something else you want...

Back to my personal example, which I hope you can relate to on some level -- as much as I deeply desire to be living a life of where I'm engaged in my passions full time and making a living from them, I realize I have an equally strong if not, gasp (!) stronger desire cooking inside me that's in direct conflict and competition with what I will call my desire for freedom.

I want to stay safe.

Admittedly, I am afraid to leave my comfort zone. According to a lot of people's standards, my life doesn't look that comfortable! In other words, I am taking risks and having success in my career as an actress, a writer and a fitness instructor. However, I know there is so much more I could be doing to create greater abundance.

Like any competitive athlete who knows when they're not bringing their A game, I know when excuses are coming into the picture. Do you? Is there something you want A LOT that you don't have and for which you are not really doing all you can do to manifest it? Let's affirm that this answer can be discovered with ease, that the process of going inward and asking yourself some questions can be done one question at a time, with patience, tolerance and love.

I know time is ticking. I think the key question is, are you willing to trade feeling comfortable for bringing into your life what you know will make your heart sing? Are you willing to step into your Challenge Zone and work with a level of devotion, commitment and finesse, while allowing yourself to feel awkward, scared and maybe insecure?

Confidence can't be built overnight and even Barbara Streisand admits to getting stage fright before she steps on stage. You may be thinking you are doing all you can do so if in action you seem, well, very active, I would take a look a close look at your thoughts and see about uncovering any limiting beliefs. Giving those up can also feel very uncomfortable. Aren't negative or limiting beliefs about oneself another kind of creature comfort? I don't know why, exactly, maybe it's because they just feel like a part of one's identity, personality or Self. The truth is you are not your beliefs. So, if you let them go, you may be surprised at what you unearth.

Hit it, Madge:

With Gratitude!

xo Lindsay

Reaction to Change

Good morning!

"I'm posting something short this morning" is definitely my way of relaxing into getting this done today in under 30 minutes. That's all I have if I want to get to work on time!

I think what I want to share on today is sensitivity to the environment and respecting your own unique reactions to your space.

My office recently moved into a brand new building and with that came a change. Where before we had cubicles and offices, we now have team tables and an entirely open plan. Similar to Mayor Bloomberg's bullpen, executive offices are obsolete and in their place are team tables, shared open spaces and see-through conference rooms. There are many advantages of an open plan such as increased communication, collaboration and a decreased sense of hierarchical order. The disadvantages, or, challenges? Well, let's just say you really need to pull up your powers of fierce focus lest you be driven to distraction.

The aesthetics of the new space are gorgeous. I feel very happy with the creative design and while I think it's taking some time to get used to the open plan, I know I will be able to eventually feel more comfortable with the noise and such. The oddest part of it is that we all see each other (under very bright light) and while we are focused on work, you can't help but notice and want to chat with one another. It does feel social -- I kind of feel like I'm at a Bat Mitzvah or something.

My point in sharing this this morning is to say that sometimes things change abruptly in your environment and you really have no control at all. What you do have is an ability to control your reaction to the change. What throws people into a state of inertia is a sense of powerlessness and what empowers people is realizing you have a choice about how you want to behave in response to a set of circumstances or events. So, if something in your external environment is happening that you are basically a witness to, go inward and see if you can find a state of peaceful acceptance. The mantra "It is what it is" is really calming for me.

From there, you can begin to choose creative options for yourself that honor your needs while working within the circumstances you can't change. Sometimes the most minor shifts in your behavior will bring big results. For me, when I need to focus, I have a great pair of headphones that I'm able to use. They tune out the outside noise and feed me my muuuuuusic! I can trust myself to still be alert as needed while tuning out distracting noises and focusing on the tasks at hand.

Have a great day and just honor your reaction to your environment today. Everybody is different and the more you can take into account your own needs, the better you'll feel.

With gratitude!!

Lindsay

Beats and Poems

Good Monday Morning!

I was back in the Bikram yoga hot box last night and it felt amazing. I was able to balance on my ankle with greater ease than I thought I would be able to handle. The class was very challenging but gratitude for my body's healing and recovery carried me. While we were deep into a posture called Dandayamana-Dhanurasana (Standing Bow Pose or Dancer's Pose) the teacher said, "The mind is the master of the body. The breath is the master of the mind." In yoga, we learn to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. Your breath calms your whole nervous system.

Yesterday afternoon, I had the opportunity to meet with a writer/teacher named Sally Dawidoff. She's a lovely friend of a friend who I met at a party on Saturday night and when I discovered she is published with an MFA in poetry from Columbia University, I asked her if she'd be willing to take a look at my writing. Not only did she say Yes, but she took the time to meet me in person yesterday in Central Park to go over my work. I've got to tell you that it was a little bit surreal for me. Almost like having my palm read. You see that, really? That's what this line means to you? We met at dusk near the Group of Bears statue just inside the 79th Street entrance. At first, I imagined that we were two Beat poets just hangin' out, man, until that image was broken by the realization I forgot my journal and would need to pull up my work on my iPhone. Good thing Sally printed a copy of my writing and brought a pencil.

I have a capacity for emotional recall and while we were going over my writing, I could feel what went into each sentence. I remembered the way the weather was when I wrote them (What is a Memory was on a chilly day with snow falling and my heart hurting over a man and a string of incomplete relationships), what I was going through and how the poems helped me find my way through my emotions. From the standpoint of craft, there is plenty to learn and I'm actually excited to read more poems and deepen my understanding of the fundamentals (so I can break the rules!), however, what I realized is most important about my work is how much my poems and all my writing, really, are my way of working through what's going on in my life. It doesn't matter so much how it's being evaluated because I write out of necessity.

I am getting a lot of emails from my readers (yes, keep them coming!) and a consistent theme is a desire to have a greater ease and ability to express and feel feelings. Guess what? It comes with practice. Practice, practice, practice! You don't have to set up a blog and blast your emotional life into cyberspace -- who would do that, sheesh -- because Duane Reade is having a sale on notebooks and you can get a spiral for $3. Just give yourself the gift of trying to get underneath and wake up your soul...

I love this poem by Beat poet Joanne Kyger:

Morning is such a welcome time. It doesn't demand

much from the pocket- Some coffee, a cigarette,

and the day starts, full of optimism & clarity of hope

While the Muse holds her head, and the crazy Elementals

hold down their wrath

lightly under the earth's surface.

Some vague attention

of wind stirs the golden oats

and Ita Siamese drags her breakfast rabbit over

the roof three

times into the house and escorted out

the door. While Aram Saroyan & W.S. Merwin

debate the paucity of their fathers' feelings

in New York Times reviews,

the deer

coming down the pathway still

are my startled guests as this morning proceeds normally

By: Joanne Kyger reprinted from Just Space: poems, 1979-1989, Black Sparrow Press, 1991

With gratitude,

Lindsay

Good Luck

Good morning!

It's really quiet in my apartment right now. I am tempted to turn on the TV or something but instead I'm going to just open the window and write until 9am at which point I can listen to every talking head debate whether the Dems are going to lose the House in a few weeks. For what it's worth, I did hear a woman interviewed recently on NPR who said that if the Republicans had 8 years to destroy the country then the Democrats should have at least 4 to fix things. I agree.

Stay tuned for my newest blog, Lindspolitics, an unabashedly left-leaning internet rag that will display my favorite Daily Show clips and Tina Fey Sarah Palin impressions while avoiding any serious editorializing and commentary. This, because (I admit) I have a slightly outdated viewpoint of American politics. I only recently learned how much tea kettle steam the Tea Party has and would probably need to call a lifeline if someone asked me to defend the national healthcare bill. Maybe I should have a new political blog to bring myself up to speed.

Ok, back to this morning. My day yesterday had some really wonderful highlights, including two great intenSati classes (one inside Equinox, one outside in Central Park) that brought me a lot of joy and fulfillment. I've been thinking lately about fulfillment versus pleasure, and the kinds of longer term investments and commitments that ultimately bring in more of the former over time. What brings you fulfillment?

For me, it's when I know I am having a real impact on people's lives. Do you appreciate how you are doing something to help or inspire someone else? Whether you are an artist whose work reaches fans, a teacher helping someone learn a new skill, a student giving a teacher the chance to do her work or a parent whose devotion makes the ultimate difference in your child's life, take a moment to cultivate awareness that, Yes, it's true that I am making a difference and for that I am grateful. It may seem obvious but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you make a list of how many people you really do touch, you will see how you are an intricate part of many people's lives...

The theme of my classes yesterday morning was closing the gap between who you are and who you want to be through changing how you feel. There is a basic "Act as if" principle of manifesting and a key way to deepen belief in one's dreams coming true by pretending you have what you want now. :) It's pretty amazing because lately I've been doing some of this work around my life as a writer and then at two separate dinner parties I went to last night, I met one person who is going to introduce me to her talented and accomplished singer/songwriter friend and another woman who is a published poet and willing to look at some of my writing. I'm not saying visualizing and affirming is necessary for everybody. It is certainly not a requirement, as I'm sure there are plenty of writers who never took the time to see themselves in a more advanced stage of their work, they just put their head down and wrote, come what may, but for me, it keeps me moving.

Scott Adams, the cartoonist who created Dilbert and keeps a great blog, had this to say about the power of affirmations in helping his career. He wrote down that he'd have a syndicated column 15 times a day, every day, until it happened. I edited down a few excerpts from his post on the subject of affirmations and creating your own luck:

"If you only hear the objective facts, it sounds as if I believe in some sort of voodoo or magic. That's not the case. While I do think there is something wonderful and inexplicable about affirmations, I have no reason to conclude it is any more than a pleasant hallucination. But if it is a hallucination, it's a totally cool one. When I have flying dreams, I know they aren't real, but it doesn't stop me from enjoying the hell out of them. And so it might be the same with affirmations. Affirmations might be nothing more than a wonderful illusion that you can control your own luck."

"There's a book called The Luck Factor, in which researcher Richard Wiseman describes studying people who considered themselves lucky...people who expect luck have a more powerful ability to notice opportunities in their environment. Optimistic people's field of perception is literally greater. And the best part is he discovered that when you train people to expect luck, their field of perception increases accordingly."

"I think part of the mystery of affirmations has to do with the fact that it improves your ability to notice an opportunity. And when you do, it seems like a lucky coincidence. In my case, about half of my seemingly miraculous results with affirmations could be traced back to my noticing something important."

Let me know if you want to join me -- 15x/day every day in the area(s) of your choosing. I am going for it. Eaaaaaasy and it will help you stay focused on creating your own good luck...

Best, xo

Lindsay

The Feeling Life

Good morning!

I've been feeling a little disconnected from my clear inner voice for the last few days. It's one of the reasons I blogged about gratitude on Tuesday -- I was hoping it would help me refocus and to some extent it did, but it didn't anchor me fully. Instead, I feel a little up in the air like a balloon floating in the sky towards an unknown yet spacious destination. I honestly wish I was at the gym right now but had to rest my ankle this morning and be patient until tomorrow. It's probably a good thing since a little sitting always does a body, mind and soul good.

As someone who is learning and teaching others to cultivate mindfulness (an awareness of what you are thinking and feeling), acceptance and loving kindness towards oneself and others, I guess I am a little more sensitive and open than most. I was going to make a generalization about women versus men but I'll steer clear of that right and instead say that some people live with feelings very close to the surface. For others, emotions, especially ones of a more nuanced variety, are packed further down below consciousness. I say if we can successfully liberate 33 trapped miners from thousands of feet underground, we can certainly help people with buried feelings bring them up into the light, right?

Meanwhile, people who are used to being incredibly exposed and sensitive can learn a thing or two from those who are more detached, thus giving them a greater ability to withstand challenging situations by showing resilience and strong exterior. Remember when Hilary Clinton cried the tear seen around the world as she was campaigning? She strikes me as a very sensitive person who created a tough exterior to keep her emotions hidden. I'm glad she had that crack and wish it were more acceptable for people to shed a tear or two in public. What's the big *$#) deal, really? We accept people having angry hissy fits all over the place. I think if women and men showed their sensitive sides in public life more often, then returned to rational, wise mind all in a few minutes and breaths, seamlessly, it would be an honest, beautiful demonstration and positive example for others.

People who don't feel the full extent of their feelings don't know what they're missing. I really believe that. They don't know the pleasure of a good cry or how cool it feels to connect the dots between emotions in the moment and those from the past.

Because I've spent more than a few days over the years trying to use things to avoid how I feel, for me it was mainly excess food, I can strongly identify with people who seek out any which way they know how to numb themselves. You don't have to be a full blown addict to know that if you are using substances or behaviors to the detriment of your health, you're going to have a lot of negative consequences, including missing important information -- your feelings -- that teach you who you are today.

So, in defense of the Feeling Life, I say, let it flow. Do your best today to be with whatever new emotions and feelings rise up to the surface. Whether it's hurt, excitement, joy, fear, anger or a serene sense of fulfillment and knowing that all is well, can you sit with it?

With xo and gratitude,

Lindsay

Gratitude Reflection

Good morning!

Last night, I went to Rockwood Music Hall to hear a new British band called Graffiti 6 who I'm covering for BBC America. I loved this odd couple duo made up of an acoustic leaning front man and more veteran music career producer because the sound that comes out of them is bigger than the sum of their two parts. Their music is fun and they performed such beautiful harmonies. As I sat there listening to the way they melded their voices together with ease, it reminded me of the way we are each just single lines in 2, 4, 6, 16, 60 part harmonies, constantly contributing the music and songs that are bigger than us. We can feel lost or incredibly insignificant sometimes when in actuality, we're blending into something beautiful. Maybe we just can't hear exactly what it is or know where it's going. Maybe we're not supposed to...

As I sit here in my morning meditation, I focus on things that feel good, blissful, exciting and meaningful. I say Thank You for all the abundance in my life. Take time for a gratitude reflection this morning if you haven't already. It feels so good! What if it's not even as a means to an end? Instead of thinking, I will cultivate gratitude so I have more to be grateful for, bring it universe, just sit in the gratitude for the sake of feeling grateful right now. No expectations. Don't give yourself any unnecessary pressure.

We are always looking for means to an end and it's not always a bad thing, of course, but if we have a fixed end result we're looking for and try to slot something or someone into that story, we may lose the gift of the experience and moment exactly as it is. What if you don't know why you are doing something but you want to do it anyway and in the moment it makes you happy?

I have a friend who keeps an attitude of gratitude nearly every day by emailing her appreciation list to all her friends. It's so beautiful and an incredibly powerful way to stay connected to the heart.

Life is constantly looking for ways to gift us all with some happiness. Let's not miss it today.......

With xo and gratitude,

Lindsay

Whisper Winds

Good morning!

Just for the fitness record, I am SORE. When I taught intenSati class yesterday, I wasn't sure how much I was going to be able to participate but my ankle felt really good so I went for it and yeah, I am feeling it! If you were in class yesterday, way to PLAY FULL OUT and today, find some time for a good strrrrretch and hydrate...

Yesterday afternoon, I bought a little necklace that has an OM charm on it and when I placed it around my neck, I felt like I was really sealing my intention to be peaceful and mindful. Can you give yourself a little something special like that today that lines you up with a positive intention?

Yesterday's post was a bold one for me and I thought about it a few times throughout the day. I thought again about the kinds of risks I take when I tell my story and sometimes I get a little anxious, but then I receive emails from readers like you who affirm that what I've said is helpful and insightful. I know I have a real ability to communicate with candor and humor in a way that inspires positive change. So, I'm going with it and we'll see where the wind takes me.

Speaking of which, I spent some time inside my favorite natural setting on our little island yesterday and wrote a poem called "Whisper Winds":

Whisper winds ride bareback

on branches

having the time of their life

leaves prepare to go bold

blissful orange

then detach from their base and take flight

Horses and joggers pound Central Park's

pavement

rolling stones the beats'

understatement

they glide on the bridle path

whatever doesn't last

wasn't meant to but

I do want perfect pictures to stay the same

or come again.

-LD

This reminds me of a very moving part of yesterday's class. Towards the end of the series, we do a pose where we balance on one leg and open our arms in a wide open V (the pose for FAITH) and the affirmation I pair with it this month is, "I open to love." I had all the students close their eyes and repeat, but what I saw was a narrowness in their not-so-wide open Vs. There was so much room to expand, which they did, upon my suggestion to open up wider and drop their shoulders. It’s amazing how much more we can open up to when we’re willing. In an instant, everybody's face softened and there this kind of collective relief. You mean, there's more out there coming my way and I deserve it? Yep. :)

With xo and gratitude,

Lindsay

Wake Up Calls

Good morning!

I am REALLY looking forward to teaching intenSati this morning at Equinox. I spent some time yesterday afternoon thinking about how meaningful this practice is to me and how it's brought about positive changes in my life. I didn't write any notes for myself but let's see if I can recall what I came up with...

For starters, when I first found intenSati I was incredibly depressed. I had developed a very intense eating disorder when I was a college freshman at Cornell and after about 5 years of treatment, I was making progress but not enough and besides still having symptoms of bulimia, anorexia and compulsive overeating, I had completely internalized that I was and would always be a mental patient. Not exactly a strong way to define oneself.

Thanks in part to the way the mental health treatment facilities and systems approached curing, healing or treating (pick your adjective) me, I was crushed and I could only see myself as someone who was going to end up seeped in therapists offices or hospitals. Gone were the days of being a successful, All-American nominated athlete and captain of multiple sports teams, an academic stand-out near the top of my class and Prom Queen (yes, Prom Queen, but the teachers voted not the students and I wouldn't have won if it were up to the students). Instead, as is the case with anybody who gets hooked by the claws of an eating disorder, I spent my days in the cycles of using and abusing myself and then trying to recover from the pain and violent behavior I had inflicted.

Ever the fighter, I would get up again and again to try something new -- a new therapist, treatment facility, idea, book, job, activity, diet, or treatment modality. I was always trying to get better while I was sick. This is a huge, huge factor in why I'm still here, I believe, and why I am starting to be and plan to be more vocal about what I think works and what doesn't, in my view.

Which brings me back to this fitness practice intenSati and why I'm doing it after 4 years as well as teaching it to very positive effect. When a person is depressed, there are countless systems in the body that are contributing to the low mood. You may know about seratonin, increased sensitivity to dopamine, high levels of cortisol (under stress), adrenaline, estrogen, testosterone and a slew of other chemicals that are swimming around inside and causing your thoughts and feelings to plunge. What I found in years of treatment (cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, Freudian, EMDR, transpersonal, homepathic, 12 step work) is that nothing I was doing had the power to penetrate or BREAK through my thinking and feeling. I had a lot of cathartic moments and great insights as to what the hell happened that may have led to my developing this cluster fuck of symptoms, but then the thinking returned shortly thereafter.

When I stepped into Patricia Moreno's intenSati class, and if you haven't seen or met Patricia, go to her website and check out some video AND/or attend her 1-day Urban Warrior Retreat in the city tomorrow (Sunday, msg me for info or go to www.satilife.com) because she is an awesome, pillar of strength. She's an incredible athlete and dancer, very tall, muscular, gorgeous and has great hair. :) Awesome, long, flowy black hair! She's kind of like Wonder Woman. Well, that's how I viewed her at first. Wonder Woman meets Shakira or someting, but the point is, this practice she developed which fuses positive affirmations with exercises derived from aerobics, martial arts, dance and yoga, was a way for me to talk back to all the negativity I had accumulated and perfected over the years.

I began speaking truth to the harmful power of the eating disorder and depression. People say intenSati is intense, and trust me they aren't lying, which people enjoy for a ton of reasons ranging from the endorphin high to the calorie burn but the real, true reason that me and I think a lot of other devoted practitioners do it is because it takes a sort of loving, fitness-powder keg of positive dynamite and blows up some of the mental baloney and garbage that keep human beings sick and in their own way.

If Dostoevsky had intenSati, Notes from Underground would be about 10 pages.

I had essentially given up exercising, something I never dreamed in 10 million years could happen to ME, so when I started moving around again it caused so much joy that I would often weep towards the end of class.

I think what I want to end with is a story that I didn't know when I'd blog about but why wait. Now is the time. Live each day to the fullest and play full out, right!? RIGHT.

5 years ago was the last time I was hospitalized for my bulimia and depression. I spent 60 days on an in-patient unit where people were being treated for a slew of issues ranging from eating disorders to bipolar disease to alcohol or heroine addiction. The unit was co-ed, mixed ages and perhaps one of the scariest places I've ever spent time ever. Horrible. Beyond words actually, until I find the words, which I eventually will when I one day write about those and other experiences I had in treatment facilities.

There was a boy on the unit named Koby. Koby was a Queens College student and if my memory serves me right, he was studying architecture. He had sandy blonde hair, glasses and a wicked, biting sense of humor that cracked us all up. Koby was gay and open about that -- he seemed to have a crush on the male yoga teacher that we took class from inside the hospital but when he didn't get a response, it fed his insecurities. Koby grew up in the foster system and had been bounced around from place to place. He never found a true home in any sense of the word.

There was talk that he was really not doing well and feeling suicidal. This was a unit that had constant supervision and security, so I have no idea how it happened, but Koby managed to hang himself in the bathroom. In lieu of the recent gay, teen suicides everybody's been talking about, I've been thinking a lot about Koby. At this time exactly in 2005, he and I would be having our vitals taken in the morning by the morning nurse on the unit. It creeps and freaks me out to think that's where I was living. It feels like 20 years ago and it feels like yesterday.

When someone who is depressed commits suicide, it's always curious because one would expect that if they are so severely depressed they do not have the energy to commit the act. That's why you should be mindful if you know someone who is depressed and showing signs of coming back to life, since that's when they might actually form a plan and have the willpower to carry it out.

My own journey includes many stops furnished with lessons to learn that now allow me to benefit others and continue to grow in health. I am not completely healed or cured but I am light years away from where I was 5 years ago when Koby would tease me about my food plan (Come on just eat that pie!) and tell me he knew what kind of mood I was in based on how my hair looked. I swear he was right. I always have an amazing hair day after intenSati class. :)

So, I stand in my life as a woman who is learning what works and eager to share that others, as well as someone with a deep reserve of compassion for anybody suffering. I also recognize that the most important thing I do each day is practice living in a way that is loving, nurturing and healthy towards myself. I wake up each morning with a tendency to pick up old habits that don't serve me or simply get lost in thinking and emotions that lead down to the basement, but I now have so many new skills to face myself and for that plus all of the love in my life, I feel very grateful.

I guess all the positivity can seem a little hokey, overbearing or cheesy to some, but you know what, it kind of helped save my life so I'm going with it. I want to end with a song that I am using in intenSati this morning. It feels GOOD to listen to -- it's a warm song and inspires us to wake up, which I hope you do today in every sense of the word...

With xo and gratitude,

Lindsay

Annnnd -- Seen!

Good morning,

My mood usually dips low the day after a performance and yesterday was no exception. There was a lot of anticipation going into the night and nerves plus a rush of excitement and adrenaline, all of which I know physically cause a bit of a crash afterwards. Gentle. I had a lot of thoughts circulating in my head, just wanting to know if my performance was strong or not and I felt I wanted answers based on what others say or think. I've spent years in acting classes and workshops where we were evaluated, and I've spent my whole life judging myself or receiving opinions about what I do -- I guess it's still fixed in my head. Assessment. Grade. Rating. Success?

The ego likes to feel special, meaningful, worthy, yes, but the trick or the trap, is that it tells you it is what you do that makes you matter when that's not what it's about. It's really who you are, which is simple. Just as I sit here, a living, breathing sentient being tapping on my computer in my lap, I am worthy and deserving of the deepest love of all.

The brilliance that lives inside us all wants to come out, which is great, yes! It's just a question of not attaching it to a need to be seen or validated. When you practice deep patience, trust, creation, innovation, kindness, or courage and when your brilliance starts springing out of your well, it is not for a grade -- it is an offering. Everything really was taught to us in kindergarden, wasn't it? Sharing is caring, la la la...

This is cute. I think it's a Coke commercial!

Have a bright and beautiful day....

Lindsay

Good morning!

Growing up on Long Island, I used to go with my mom to Mary and Lil's Corsetieres in Woodbury to get fitted for custom bras. The frequency with which I'd go to Mary and Lil's was about the same as my combined doctor/dental visits for the year and I looked forward to the experience with about the same amount of positive anticipation. Picture a bunch of mostly middle-aged Long Island women (at least half were overweight if not obese) waiting in a small sitting area that was adjacent to the "dressing rooms" which were really just partitioned sections of the store set off with curtains. Kids and teens like myself who were there for their custom fit bras looked like they were waiting outside the principle's office, guilty of something but not sure what and reluctant to own it. 4-5 seamstresses would buzz around with bras and tape measurers strewn across their necks and arms, going in and out of the dressing areas with the drama of actresses making their entrance -- swoosh! -- and you can overhear each conversation between customer and seamstress where the former is beyond stressed out and the latter is trying to comfort her with endless bra options and an assuring voice. Well, you're a 38 E but these run really small...

I ended up there because in my teens I was about a 34-36 D and even as I was very athletic and muscular, I always had a large chest and the custom sports and regular bras actually were much better for me than anything I can find on my own at Macy's. The answer to my needs was a bra, let's call it a bra genre, The Minimizer. Aptly named, a minimizer shrinks the bust about a size and is the antithesis to any kind of Victoria's Secret inspired piece of lingerie which lets a woman pour out of her cups like the tide coming in. I was pretty messed up in the head about it all and felt 'going custom' meant I was too fat for the regular styles but in actuality I wasn't fat, just full chested, something which never diminishes for me unless my weight plunges to unhealthy, low numbers.

I mention this for two reasons. The first is because the monologue I performed last night at a staged reading of the new play Ideal Beauty by Danielle Sonnenberg (it went really well, YES!) is the story of a woman who grew up feeling pressured by her mother to "show off her best assets" and wear the kinds of clothing that drew attention to her body. After an experience as a teenager during which a construction worker took her in while she was laying out in her backyard pool on her back (this being the first time a stranger, a man, stared directly at her chest) she became extremely uncomfortable with her body and drawing any attention to it at all. So, she grew to hide her body from people and settle into a non fashion statement identity of baggy clothing and comfort. Fine for her -- she didn't care to lead with her looks AT ALL -- but also not fine because it was a layer of defense under which existed a great deal of self-hatred about her looks. She never felt beautiful. She just didn't see it in herself.

The second reason I thought of The Minimizer this early morning is because of the interesting tension I am feeling with respect to this acting accomplishment. On the one hand, and for reasons I can't fully describe, it felt like a BIG accomplishment and I feel very, very proud of myself. I am only 3 months since my surgery and my energy, full health and strength is still coming back in my ankle and the rest of me, I haven't worked on a piece in months, we didn't have much rehearsal time but I put in a lot of work on my own, the piece was one I really connected to and I feel I made the emotional investment, I was working with professionals and there were about 40-50 people who showed up to watch up last night. Yay, yay, YAY.

Then, on the other hand, I hear this voice that is just minimizing it all. It wasn't a big deal, just a staged reading, only 5 minutes, not paid work, an easy monologue to perform, you didn't have to get off book entirely, it should feel easy by now and it doesn't, blah blah blah. Maybe I am trying minimize this whole acting thing -- when I was out with family and friends at the diner after the show and watching the 33rd and final Chilean miner get rescued, what I just did felt like a pebble next to a boulder. Try living 2000 feet underground for a few weeks! My gosh. But, you can't do that, it's not a fair comparison. Anyway, the true way I felt, or, how I feel about this Whole Acting Thing is that it is one of the coolest fucking things out there in this world to do and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT and I absolutely find it one of the hardest things to do, still, even after doing it 10 years. I don't want to admit and wish weren't the case, but it is. It's like hitting notes with an awareness of pitch, sound, tone, length -- I feel like when I act I just want to strike it PERFECT even as there's no such thing. I can get so neurotic that it makes me want to freeze up but then I keep going and things break and shift. I know that I have a drive to act with brilliance and excellence. It is what I deeply desire and I have every intention to keep doing it and reaching the pinnacle of my potential.

Speaking of which, I'm going to take intenSati now, put in a full day of work, take a voice lesson later, and come home to crash and SLEEP. It's going to be an amazing day.

I think what I most want to Minimize for us this morning is any negativity, self doubt or criticism. I'm not about boasting all over the place but if you're going to pump up the volume metaphorically, then Maximize on who you are and what you love to do, right? AH, yes indeedy, in the words of J LO "You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way! You gotta prove it, you've got to mean what you say! Let's get loud!!"

:)!

Best, xo

Lindsay

Orange Juice

Good morning! Just a quick shot of uplift for you this morning, in case you need it! I looked at my blissful, orange Blogspot template and thought about what kind of positive juice I want to serve up here and what I came up with is this:

Pulp or no pulp?

I think the world is divided. For some of us, solid, bits of fleshy orange floating around inside cups of fresh-squeezed juice pose no problem at all. They're enjoyable from sip to sip. Juice and pulp coexist happily without conflict, and it's certainly not a hindrance or anything that gets in the way of the juice consumption experience.

For others, pulp is the greatest intrusion on what would otherwise be a perfectly pleasurable drink. What adds insult to injury is complete powerlessness over the pulp. Nothing you can do to extract the pulp once it's in there, at least as far as I know but correct me if I'm wrong, once it's in the juice! So, if you don't want the pulp, you better make sure you ask for "no pulp" juice and you can also pretty much forget about having natural, fresh squeezed, unpasteurized juice because inherent in that experience is, well, pulp. Acceptance.

The more general meaning of pulp, actually, is "A soft, moist shapeless mass of matter" which, if you ask me, is a wonderful metaphor for something beyond breakfast. What if you started over today thinking about yourself in this way -- as someone with the potential to be shaped, formed and molded by the loving energy of the Universe.

I know this can sound a little out there -- "loving energy of the Universe" used to make me sneeze -- and these words might conjure up a little judgment or resistance. Now, however, after consistently opening up to the possibility of this kind of wonder, I've come to feel and believe there really is something out there that moves through us all and it is a positive force that brings about healing, evolution, and growth. Like a child who just took a sip of juice gone sour, I sometimes wince when people try to explain it because it is so beyond us all, but I believe it's there and will continue to ask for it to work on me and shape me into the most refreshing version of myself.

Also, if you were in NYC last night, did you hear that rain!? You must've. :) It was a beautiful rain......

Also, I just wrote a paragraph on allowing I'd like to share with you:

Receive more. Let more in. Allow more Joy, allow Love, Light, Creativity, Abundance, allow Truth. I allow my BRILLIANCE to emanate. I allow all good to come to me today. I allow breaks that take me to higher ground. I allow my usefulness to become clear. I allow myself to tap into the Universe's magic and benevolent healing, helping, molding, uplifting and inspiring energy. I allow the removal of any obstacles standing between me and the accomplishment of my dreams and ask only for the fulfillment of desires that are for my highest good.

Ok. That's it. Have a great day!! :)

With xo and gratitude,

Lindsay

intenSati class updates!

Hi, good morning!

I hope this message finds you well! Just a reminder that my 9am Saturday Equinox at Columbus Circle class is cancelled this weekend only -- the club's redoing the main studio floor. Join me when class resumes (on brand spankin' new floors, yeah!) Saturday 10/16. OPEN GUEST LIST so please email me names!

Class IS ON this weekend (and until about Thanksgiving) in CENTRAL PARK at 10:30am! Meet us at the gold topped statue at 10:15am. Bring friends, dogs, family, your boyfriend/girlfriend who wants to show his/her love by doing what's important to you (if only once), and anybody else in your world who you want to share the Sati with, YES!

I just saw the Broadway show "Lombardi" last night based on the life of famed football coach Vince Lombardi so I'm feeling the strong coach vibe now! I know from playing soccer and sports my whole life that what Coach Lombardi said is true:

Winning is an ATTITUDE!

I want to help you win!! So who or what is your opponent? Maybe it's that little voice that says "I don't wanna work out this weekend. Really, I just want to sit at home and watch reruns of Law and Order because I miss it since it was cancelled or new episodes on the Food Network because a cute guy like Bobby Flay making pumpkin french toast with berries and mascarpone cheese is good TV!"

Ok, maybe it is. Fine. BUT, alas, it's not going to get you what you want. It may be EASIER but if what you want, if what you really really (+4 more really's) WANT is to be in great shape and healthy, you've got to get onto the field or into the studio and work it out with all YOU've got!

I truly can't wait to help you win at the games you choose to play!! I know together we can do it! :)!

With xo and gratitude,
Lindsay

It's the Process, Silly

Good morning,

Quick post this morning to remind you, me and any other new people visiting my blog today to stay present to the process.

I went to my second rehearsal last night for Ideal Beauty, a new play in development by Danielle Sonnenberg. I'm performing in a staged reading of it on Wed,. October 13th at 8pm at a beautiful space with a lot of room so please come and bring friends! :) Tix are free, rsvp required, drinks/snacks will be served....

Last night we took the majority of the time to go through the script and make some edits and changes to clarify the storytelling. We tried a lot of new things, all of which were incredibly helpful, and by the time I left I really felt myself dissolving and a character emerging. I just love the specificity of writing and acting. I am grateful for prepositions and tense changes -- one minor adjustment at a key moment changes everything -- and how a breath, a look, or a gesture, never go unnoticed to an attentive audience. I think acting helps me with my decision making because I can be very indecisive and you just have to make choices. You can try a choice and reject it later but wavering and not choosing isn't very helpful at all. Strong choices!

Tonight, I'm going to my voice lesson with Richard Dorr and then to see LOMBARDI, a new play on Broadway about the life of coach Vince Lombardi based on the best-selling biography When Pride Still Mattered: A Life of Vince Lombardi by Pulitzer Prize-winning author David Maraniss. I can't wait! There will be a talk-back after the show with the actors and that's going to mean another late night but it will be worth it and this is all part of the process...

Have a wonderful day today! Oh, one more thing, The Daily Love sent me (and the rest of its thousand people plus list serve) the following quote a few days ago by Neil Simon:

"Don't listen to those who say, 'You're taking too big a chance.' Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most important, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside you rears its ugly head and says. 'They're all smarter than you out there. They're more talented, they're taller, blonder, prettier, luckier, and they have connections. I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you'll be a person worthy of your own respects."

- Neil Simon, Simon is an American playwright and screenwriter.

Have an amazing day!!! You've got this :)

With xo and gratitude,

Lindsay