feeling, considering and growing thanks to your effort. That said, if you have any thoughts, you know I'd love to hear them so please share with me at your leisure.
I want to add a short addendum to the post and just say that I was not trying to characterize the entire pool of treatment providers and medical establishment as negative, nor am I opposed to the use of certain psychiatric medications like anti depressants, as I've seen them work wonders for people I know. For me, that hasn't really been the case and I am not interested in using them as a means towards dealing with certain feelings or anxiety. I think the biggest point I wanted to make in my post was, well, first off to come out as a survivor and as someone who is overcoming an eating disorder because the more supportive voices that are out here in the media landscape, the better, and I'm not afraid or embarrassed to admit I'm one of them. The second is to reinforce how much more of a CHOICE I have over the thoughts, feelings and actions I experience and take and it takes a lot finesse to convince a person who is already incredibly hard on themselves that much of their recovery is in their own hands, so if you can walk that line with yourself and others, you're a miracle worker. :) Letting go of self blame and embracing personal responsibility, that's the name of the game.
That's my little star symbol for moving right along...
So, these days I am standing in my power as a single woman. I've never been married, I'm not even sure I've ever been in love and I am not dating anybody. It's kind of amazing because I feel differently then I've ever felt before, which tells me I've really grown. I can stand the space and oh, boy, it is some space! :) Lots of feelings inside there and a real interesting sense of individuality. I feel like I'm more present than ever before and I encourage you, if you're single and spend time pining and longing for a relationship, to take a step back and then two forward right into the present moment. It's here and maybe it's been an uncomfortable place to be, since it wakes up the negative belief that paints you into a corner, unhappy, single and alone the rest of your life, but it's by living in acceptance and choosing to observe but NOT BUY INTO that "stinkin' thinkin'" that frees you up. Let it come up, see it, breathe, breathe out, and watch it float up into the clouds. That projection, or any projection that doesn't come from love, is only there to take you down. Don't let it.
So, I'm now meeting guys on line. It's funny because in some ways I still feel like a "commodity" as I update my profiles with cute pics and see the kinds of guys populating Jdate, Match and HowAboutWe.com. I think about my "value" in terms of my market appeal to men and do the same sizing up of the guy goods. This is like Shoprite. Sexy, 39 year old doctor who likes to travel in Aisle 8. You better get him before that woman in higher heels does, and she can reach him if he's on the shelf bc I'm 5'3" and don't wear heels. I'm detaching a bit, too, and feeling a little like an anthropologist. Fascinating. The 52 year old man and the 25 year old boy both feel it is within the realm of normative behavior to reach out to this 33 year old woman. What is the median age of the man pursuing me (and trust me this wouldn't take too long to do the math, as they are not yet too many guys emailing me at the moment!).
I laugh when the single heads come on the upper portion of the Jdate screen, floating across from right to left to IM me like PACMAN, which I guess makes me the little, white pellet in this situation, or, worse, one of the colorful ghosts. Don't swallow me whole! I'm equally fascinating when someone takes the time to Wink at me on Match (this, as opposed to sending an email) because it's like the bar scene played out over the internet. Is that cutie winking at me from across the room but lacking the, umm, courage, to walk up to me until his beer kicks in? Ah, no, it's from across the computer and let's just hope he's not simultaneously chatting with 12 women and taking in the latest porn vid.
So, I will continue to show up for Online dating adventures and try to go at it with a more positive expectation. :) What I've come to understand and appreciate is that I will choose not to think too hard about any of it, just relax, and let things unfold. And they will. They always do! I trust the process and why not. Fortunately this is New York City, not Shoprite, and I have a feeling being single could be a lot more fun that I used to think it would be. I surrender. I accept. I am jumping in and realizing we are all in this together, yes yes. If I catch myself thinking the grass is greener on the side of the fence that belongs to people in relationships, I really promise to accept how I feel and then do my best to shift into a better feeling thought.
Off to teach an intenSati class this morning and I can't wait!! I LOVE MY SATURDAY MORNING 9AM intenSati CLASS. I'm just sayin. I do. I love my students. Message me if you ever want to come try it.
Have a great day!
Join me April 7-10, 2011 at Good Commons in Vermont for a Recharge Weekend! I am the guest fitness instructor and will be teaching intenSati classes, along with 3 incredible guest teachers who will run workshops, meditations, and give you some amazing spiritual, emotional and physical nourishment. Check it out here and I hope you'll join us!! http://www.goodcommons.com/Recharge2011.html