I couldn't make it through reading more than half of my 2011 blog posts before wanting to change the channel, which today meant checking my Facebook page.
I did that for a moment, equally unriveted.
It's not about having all you want.
My happiness seems inversely proportional to how much I bullshit myself. To the extent I can look into my own eyes and know I am not lying, faking or pleasing, I am happy. I feel peaceful. No matter what I see or hear when my authentic voice gives a 'shout out' to my soul, I feel relief.
The reason we imitate, chase, conform, rebel, force, water down, jazz it up or hide out is because we FEAR our original self just won't cut it in this massive, stimulating, diverse and (oft perceived) competitive world.
Start with hating it all, if that's how you feel. Let it rip --
Great, I DID all of this, I DO all of that, I TRIED endlessly or I SAT on my ass too much, I THOUGHT I wanted this, I REALLY WANT that, I GAVE too much or perhaps TOO LITTLE and jeez, this can't be IT. I DON'T WANT this to be it. If this is it, I AM MISSING something. I am missing the GOLD. I am missing the REASON. I am MISSING THE WONDER.
2011 taught me unless I am authentic, I can't feel the wonder. Unless I am truthful, life takes on the feeling of a scattered picture.
Dress up in your 2011 accomplishments like a sequined New Year's Eve party dress or tux (I do have a few male readers). It's all just energy and co-creations. Call them up, put them on, feel glittery or dapper, do a twirl and then take the costume off.
I am grateful for those who say things which resonate in the depths of my being at a frequency I can't even detect.
I try to mute the noise, which is all the rest.
What happens in stillness stays in stillness.
This space inside which I am not a daughter, sister, assistant, friend, teacher, lover, leader, fool, patient, fellow, striver, seeker, recipient or giver.
This space inside which I am nothing, yet feel the wonder and gift of being alive. One can be a deeply, grateful person but not let gratitude encourage complacency.
If you want to escape, escape.
If you want to run, run.
If you want to pause, pause.
If you want to cry, cry.
If you want to hold on, hold on.
Then, when you're done, put your hand over your heart.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 --
Happy New Year.
You're still here.
Love and deep gratitude,