Good morning!
This is not a post about the weather, although if you happen to live in NYC and like the heat, you may be as blissed out as I am from the last few days. We had a GORGEOUS, hot, SUNNY Memorial Day Weekend. Thank you, Mother Nature!
The hot I am referring to is that little accolade of appreciation for your sizzle, that compliment you go for that explains the 3 inch sandals and for some, the 3 hours in the gym or 3 juices a day. In addition to wanting health, come summer, who doesn't also really want hot?! Do you remember Paris Hilton's hot heard 'round the world? "That's Hot" coming from the Super Rich Socialite Barbie knocked any other forms of praise off the pedestal. It reached the number 1 spot for props. Did you know she trademarked that phrase? Oh, yes.
Cut to 2,011 and hot is it. Again. Looking at everybody from Beyonce's latest video to First Lady Michelle Obama looking hotter than ever in the UK, from Lady Gaga in a sheer cat suit over her underwear for her recent appearance on Good Morning America (good morning is right) to the royal Middleton sisters, If once upon a time Coke was it, now, HOT IS IT.
What I have to admit is that hot definitely feels attached to my body -- both how it looks and the kind of shape it's in. I feel hot when I'm at or very close to goal weight, when I'm working out a lot and when I wear clothes that are sexy or may not be what everybody else is wearing stylewise, but look great on me. Certainly doing things I'm passionate about helps the hot quotient, since my blissy buzz turns can turn to confidence, but I have to admit there is more of a focus on the external.
I was hoping I can write a post that offers up hot as a mindset. As if it can come entirely from within and that it is a decision, a choice, an attitude. One that is available on any day at at any size, right? Yet, as I sit here writing, my own hotness in dispute with my soul and spirit, both of which don't understand what the hell I'm talking about, I have to just admit how much of it really does feel like while happiness may be an inside job, hot feels is an outside job.
I think I have a few things to learn!
I'm sure I've effectively been sucked into some societal pressures, I know. A part of me wishes I had the kind of attitude of indifference -- aren't they usually the ones who are most hot?! A cool, I don't care attitude can be incredibly sexy -- that some people have but I don't. Did the Buddha worry about his belly while under the Bodhi tree? Doubt it.
So, how to stay in your Healthy Zone when the heat is on? Here are a few tips I'm practicing, offering and learning:
*Exercise really does help get your body into shape. From yoga to cardio, strength conditioning to balance, it ALL helps and positively contributes to not just getting in shape but improving your shape. So, do it, enjoy it but don't overdo it.
*Wanting to be fit and trim is a healthy impulse but the drive to be too thin or achieve thinness vis a vis restricting and creating calorie deficits too large to support your activity is not. If the latter is coming on, you may want to talk to someone for some support to stay in your Healthy Zone.
*No matter where you are or how much you weigh, you CAN feel comfortable and beautiful in your body NOW. You don't have to wait to reach the weight you desire, for that magic number on the scale to wake you up and get you out of bed in the morning in a good mood. Dress well for the body you have now.
*Be persistent and support yourself by allowing missteps and getting back on your plan pronto. I find it easier to eat healthy in the summer with the abundance of fruits and vegetables. The hot temps actually suppress my appetite and all the sunshine keeps my low moods at bay, it really does. BUT, there is still temptation everywhere, from weddings to BBQ's and long weekends, so stay mindful and focused on what you've got to do to stay on course.
*Praise your body. Really, talk to yourself and love, affirm and appreciate what a miracle your body is today.
*If you have a goal and a plan, that is ALL you need! The inspiration for achieving and reaching your goal weight and getting into the kind of body that you feel great in doesn't come from comparing yourself to others. It comes from affirming YOU and keeping the focus on your own progress.
Do you have anything to add? I'd love to know what's working for you!
With love,
Lindsay
Lindsay Davis is an AFAA-certified group fitness instructor. She teaches the revolutionary intenSati workout at Equinox Fitness, in Central Park, at retreats and in various other locations. She is available for private coaching and classes. For more info, please email lindspiration@gmail.com.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sing Your Heart Out
Last night I sang a few songs at the Theater for the New City's Lower East Side Arts festival. I was joined by my dear friend Jeffrey Currier. That's his guitar I'm holding in the photo -- I don't play yet. I just sang. We performed in a small 60 person theater that looked like a cave but the acoustics were incredible. There were about 10 people (if that) in the audience, including the MC. While I felt like we did pretty well, it certainly didn't feel mind blowing nor did it feel like the kind of performance I've allowed my vivid imagination to visualize.
There were no back up dancers.
Rather, it was reality. A quiet, intimate, grounded, 4 song set of beautiful songs well within my vocal range and ability, done with love.
Which, incidentally and surprisingly, I was able to handle completely. This being in the What Is as opposed to What I Imagine I Can Become.
I can remember a time where I couldn't stand or tolerate being a work in progress. It was too painful for my ego. I wanted to hide, hide, hide until I was finished with the renovation. Good thing I'm not a high rise and can in fact be open to the world before the tape is cut.
I realize I love singing and music so much, I was able to clear the fear hurdle and get up there last night. Thank god for Jeffrey, whose warm, relaxed presence was the perfect support for me. J, if you're reading this post, THANK YOU, I am so grateful for you.
I do not know where this drive to sing comes from but I do know that I want to do it and will ONLY grow if I keep doing EXACTLY what I did last night. That is, getting up in front of people and singing.
Someone told me last night You have a beautiful, beautiful voice. Another said, Wow, that was very emotional. So, just like I teach my students to accept and receive a compliment graciously, I can do the same.
If you have a passion, you know how it feels. My world opens up when I dive into the work of artists old and new. Here is one of the Patty Griffin songs I sang last night. It's called "Let Him Fly" and this clip below is Patty being the brilliant artist that she is. I can't wait to see her live one day:
And here is the Colin Hay song Jeffrey and I sang called "Waiting for my Real Life to Begin"
We looked/sounded a little bit like that last night but didn't go for all the harmonizing. So beautiful -- watch the vid if you didn't, it's such a sweet song!
I know that feeling of waiting for my real life to begin. Wait for it, wait for it, waiiiiiiiiiit forrrrrrr iiiiiiittttt, but oh, to be free -- no longer WAITING for my REAL LIFE to begin but embracing it as well underway.
To reconcile yourself with exactly what is and create from that place. That's freedom.
In the now, there is no room for false fronts. Certainly as a creative artist -- I know it just doesn't serve me at all.
So, just be here now
forget about the past
your mask is wearing thin...
on a clear day
I can see
see for a long way
on a clear day
I can see
see for a long way.
-Colin Hay
So, whether or not you sing, I invite you to use this example as a means to springboard yourself into your life. The one that's here now right in front of you -- you are perfectly positioned in it to grow, try new things, explore, dream and do. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to sound like anyone else. In fact, it's probably better if you don't!
Just be you and sing your heart out.
Peace, xo
Lindsay
Sunday, May 29, 2011
When You're Happy and You Know It
Good morning!
I had a wonderful birthday and can confirm that turning 34 doesn't need to be a stressful process AT ALL. In the morning, I taught intenSati class in Central Park under bright sunny skies. I think it was in the high 70s but in the sun it felt hotter. I was surrounded by my loving students and two former soccer teammates who I've known since middle school. SO awesome. I loved it but later in the day felt a little wiped - a reminder to us all to keep eating well and drinking plenty of water as the weather heats up this summer!
After class, lunch with my parents and brother at the UWS restaurant Telepan, which was good but a little strange because the restaurant was empty. There was one table with a couple besides ours and that is it. I liked the food and would recommend it if you're looking for healthy, farm to table fare that doesn't overwhelm the taste buds. Everything was simple but really good, including a smoked trout appetizer and then a lobster scallion omelet with salad. After our meal, we walked to Central Park and took a stroll. A good chance to spend some q/t with my mom and my dad/bro also seemed to enjoy the time for a catch up.
So, umm, what else to do on your birthday than create your first official unoffical Vlog, right!? Check it out below with mom's directorial debut. We didn't have camcorders growing up, so I'm making up for lost time.
After time with my family, I took the train down to the East Village and popped in for a coffee (the coffee at Telepan wasn't drinkable, fyi) at The Bean. Lucky me I ran into one of my friends and we had a catch up. Then, I treated myself to my first manicure/pedicure of the season.
After that, it was time for dinner with some of my closest friends at the restaurant Lina Frey. I'm a sucker for a good name -- Lindsay likes Tina Fey, Lina, Lina Fey...Lina Frey! That's how I chose my birthday restaurant. :) That, and because they had small plate options and a lot of vegetables on the menu and was in a fun part of town LES that is easily accessible for most of my guests. It was mellow, the food was good, and the vibe was about as positive as I hoped and intended it to be. I felt really loved.
In between all this and throughout the day I would read my Facebook wall feed and all the birthday wishes that came in, each one its own little e-jolt of internet love. I think if Freud were alive he'd have a field day with the meaning of relationships on Facebook. It's all fascinating. He'd say (I'm pulling up my best Australian accent right now, don't test me), Ahh, what is this Facebook but a substitution formation for repressed desire. You are all obsessive.
To which I would respectfully say, I agree we are obsessive but I see it less as symptom substitution as an indication of a desire to connect, to love, to be loved, all of which is a healthy impulse rather than a reflection of neurotic conflict.
Then Freud would say, Ok, you may be right. I'm going to update my status now.
All this to say, life is really really GOOD and, ALLLLLL this to say, it wasn't always. That's the point of my blog and why I write. I don't need a diary outlet nor am I wanting for attention to my inner life. At least not consciously.
Umm, Freud, care to weigh in on this?
No, Lindsay, I'm busy on Facebook! Call me later.
What I really want to impress upon you is that if you are under clouds of anxiety, negativity, depression and self sabotaging behavior, you really CAN change. Transformation has happened for and continues to happen for me. I am growing towards the light of health and happiness.
Surround yourself by loving people.
Do things that you love and bring you joy.
Take it easy on yourself. NOBODY is perfect. Perfectionism is a prison. Free yourself up.
Do the work. Do. The. Work. On yourself. For yourself.
Don't be afraid to say how you really feel. Assertiveness is such a gift to your authentic self and others.
Ask the Universe for help and support. It really answers when you're open!
Have a beautiful day and rest of the Memorial Day Weekend!
Much love,
lbd
Saturday, May 28, 2011
So Many Gifts on my Birthday!
Good morning!
It's my birthday. For today, I proudly say I am 34, the outspoken declaration of which certainly helps me wrap my head around the number even as I understand how little a number actually means. I think the root of a woman refusing to tell her age is some kind of fear based notion of being "found out" and judged, so I let that go, too. Not that anybody really cares. Most are too busy coming up with the next big thing (or status update) or both to worry about my age, so I won't either! :)
I started my day today with a prayer of GRATITUDE. I thanked the Universe for the abundance of love, friendship, support, success and health in my life. There is so much here now, it's amazing. I am alive, dammit! The simplicity of that gift must never be lost on me, so I celebrate that now.
Then, onto Facebook, where I already see so many sweet messages and a gift from Norn -- a full color illustration of me holding a sign with one of this month's affirmations, "Happiness or Bust"! Go to Nornsisland.com for more about the artist. He is my dear friend, intenSati student and Central Park intenSati pioneer who was there from the first class at 7am on a Tuesday. I told him yesterday what an inspiration he is to me so if you don't know Norn, check him out here or on Facebook.
I am a woman who practices being present to a full range of emotions and experiences, from joy, love and happiness, to fear, sadness, anger or doubt. I share this blog (among other reasons) to encourage you to do the same. To be present to who you are and do whatever you can do to feel your feelings rather then let your feelings get picked off by anesthesizing habits like a poorly thrown pass on a basketball court.
I have basketball on the brain since I just watched a video of my best friend from camp (Kutchers Sports Academy, we're going way back now) talking about her approach to training the team she coaches, which happens to be the Women's Varsity basketball players at CAL BERKELEY. She's a star and I am so proud of her -- shout out to Lindsey Gottlieb and go Golden Bears!!!
As deeply as I admire skill sets and champions in all walks of life, from athletes to artists, scholars to global entrepreneurs, tap dancers to talented, devoted parents who feel like they need to be all the above, I want to remember that being human is where true greatness lies. How GREAT we truly are when we are just living, breathing and being ourselves, with all our foils and imperfections. With such pressure (self inflicted, societal) to maximize our potential and self actualize (haven't used or heard that term in a while) these days I seek to remember when we are being human and when we are loving, we ARE at our greatest and fullest potential.
So, I'm grateful for all my teachers, students, friends and family who remind me even while supporting me in my quest to become a badass writer, actress, singer/songwriter, poet, producer, fitness instructor, business woman and so much more. I am grateful I am loved to the point that when I have moments inside which I lose hope, when I can't SEE it, just for a little while, when it just doesn't materialize outside or resonate on the inside, that I have my people in my life who REFUSE to get blindsided, too. Friends who SEE it for me, in me, as me, while I have my blinders on, temporarily.
When you have people who get you and don't question anymore what you're choosing to focus on, what you expect and demand of yourself, the level of excellence you are working on and towards -- is it not the greatest gift to be with such supportive people, those who love and support you? What a gift!
So, birthdays are a great time to set some intentions and here is what I intend for my 34th year:
To stay the course with what I've chosen to pursue, what I am blessed and free to pursue, to TRUST in the process, and to let life take me to where I can be of greatest good to myself and others, where I can be happy, peaceful, successful, and where I can be of maximum service. I intend to let go of habits that no longer serve me while practicing those that do. I want to be OPEN to the NEW. I also want to have a lot of FUN!!
I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve or deny any truths inside me. Life is WAY too short for that!
A few days ago I told my friend I wanted to write a piece related to the affirmation "Happiness or Bust" and speak to the bust, and we're not talking about the beautiful physical bust with which I'm blessed, amen, but the experience of going for happiness while still feeling it is eluding me. The feeling or energy of "I'm going there or I'm gonna collapse like I'm 50 Cent's 'Get Rich or Die Trying', worrrrrrd, it is HAPPINESS OR BUST, AHHH!!! *$#()@!
Top of the hyperbole mornin' to ya! But you get the point.
To be fair -- it really IS that important. The stakes DO feel that high for me. Do you agree? I certainly do not wish to live my life in darkness, despair, anxiety, worry, ill health, unrealized potential, abuse of myself or poor treatment from others, ALL of which do not qualify as HAPPY in my book. So, yes, whatever it takes to live in the LIGHT and to live a HAPPY life, I do. I go to places in myself and on this earth, from the gym at 6:30AM to authors who speak directly into my ear, I travel where I need to go in my mind, heart and soul. For happiness, I WILL let go of what keeps me down, all to the best of my ability, YES. I care that much. It's who I am, I am motivated and it is a gift.
THAT said, you knew this was coming, I realize that if the energy or intention is one of trying TOO hard or looking for external fixes, the latter of which can be a direct result of the former, well, that's what messes me up and keeps me from feeling the HAPPY that is already there inside me. Inside you. Inside each and every one of us! The HAPPY that can be found whether you're living your dream life already or just learning to dream. The HAPPY that is inside you whether you are surrounded by loving people or in your solitude.
That HAPPY.
So, I surrender here any over exertion or extended effort to GET HAPPY lest I MISS HAPPY which is HERE HAPPY.
:)
So, with that, I let go of 33 and I embrace the new year. It's been an amazing, full, HUMAN year of ups and downs and all arounds. What a gift.
Thank you for being part of one of my greatest gifts, which is Lindspiration and my readership. Thank you, thank you, thank you xoxox!!!!!
Looking back with some Sinatra and ahead with his song THE BEST IS YET TO COME, here we go:
Love,
lbd
It's my birthday. For today, I proudly say I am 34, the outspoken declaration of which certainly helps me wrap my head around the number even as I understand how little a number actually means. I think the root of a woman refusing to tell her age is some kind of fear based notion of being "found out" and judged, so I let that go, too. Not that anybody really cares. Most are too busy coming up with the next big thing (or status update) or both to worry about my age, so I won't either! :)
I started my day today with a prayer of GRATITUDE. I thanked the Universe for the abundance of love, friendship, support, success and health in my life. There is so much here now, it's amazing. I am alive, dammit! The simplicity of that gift must never be lost on me, so I celebrate that now.
Then, onto Facebook, where I already see so many sweet messages and a gift from Norn -- a full color illustration of me holding a sign with one of this month's affirmations, "Happiness or Bust"! Go to Nornsisland.com for more about the artist. He is my dear friend, intenSati student and Central Park intenSati pioneer who was there from the first class at 7am on a Tuesday. I told him yesterday what an inspiration he is to me so if you don't know Norn, check him out here or on Facebook.
I am a woman who practices being present to a full range of emotions and experiences, from joy, love and happiness, to fear, sadness, anger or doubt. I share this blog (among other reasons) to encourage you to do the same. To be present to who you are and do whatever you can do to feel your feelings rather then let your feelings get picked off by anesthesizing habits like a poorly thrown pass on a basketball court.
I have basketball on the brain since I just watched a video of my best friend from camp (Kutchers Sports Academy, we're going way back now) talking about her approach to training the team she coaches, which happens to be the Women's Varsity basketball players at CAL BERKELEY. She's a star and I am so proud of her -- shout out to Lindsey Gottlieb and go Golden Bears!!!
As deeply as I admire skill sets and champions in all walks of life, from athletes to artists, scholars to global entrepreneurs, tap dancers to talented, devoted parents who feel like they need to be all the above, I want to remember that being human is where true greatness lies. How GREAT we truly are when we are just living, breathing and being ourselves, with all our foils and imperfections. With such pressure (self inflicted, societal) to maximize our potential and self actualize (haven't used or heard that term in a while) these days I seek to remember when we are being human and when we are loving, we ARE at our greatest and fullest potential.
So, I'm grateful for all my teachers, students, friends and family who remind me even while supporting me in my quest to become a badass writer, actress, singer/songwriter, poet, producer, fitness instructor, business woman and so much more. I am grateful I am loved to the point that when I have moments inside which I lose hope, when I can't SEE it, just for a little while, when it just doesn't materialize outside or resonate on the inside, that I have my people in my life who REFUSE to get blindsided, too. Friends who SEE it for me, in me, as me, while I have my blinders on, temporarily.
When you have people who get you and don't question anymore what you're choosing to focus on, what you expect and demand of yourself, the level of excellence you are working on and towards -- is it not the greatest gift to be with such supportive people, those who love and support you? What a gift!
So, birthdays are a great time to set some intentions and here is what I intend for my 34th year:
To stay the course with what I've chosen to pursue, what I am blessed and free to pursue, to TRUST in the process, and to let life take me to where I can be of greatest good to myself and others, where I can be happy, peaceful, successful, and where I can be of maximum service. I intend to let go of habits that no longer serve me while practicing those that do. I want to be OPEN to the NEW. I also want to have a lot of FUN!!
I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve or deny any truths inside me. Life is WAY too short for that!
A few days ago I told my friend I wanted to write a piece related to the affirmation "Happiness or Bust" and speak to the bust, and we're not talking about the beautiful physical bust with which I'm blessed, amen, but the experience of going for happiness while still feeling it is eluding me. The feeling or energy of "I'm going there or I'm gonna collapse like I'm 50 Cent's 'Get Rich or Die Trying', worrrrrrd, it is HAPPINESS OR BUST, AHHH!!! *$#()@!
Top of the hyperbole mornin' to ya! But you get the point.
To be fair -- it really IS that important. The stakes DO feel that high for me. Do you agree? I certainly do not wish to live my life in darkness, despair, anxiety, worry, ill health, unrealized potential, abuse of myself or poor treatment from others, ALL of which do not qualify as HAPPY in my book. So, yes, whatever it takes to live in the LIGHT and to live a HAPPY life, I do. I go to places in myself and on this earth, from the gym at 6:30AM to authors who speak directly into my ear, I travel where I need to go in my mind, heart and soul. For happiness, I WILL let go of what keeps me down, all to the best of my ability, YES. I care that much. It's who I am, I am motivated and it is a gift.
THAT said, you knew this was coming, I realize that if the energy or intention is one of trying TOO hard or looking for external fixes, the latter of which can be a direct result of the former, well, that's what messes me up and keeps me from feeling the HAPPY that is already there inside me. Inside you. Inside each and every one of us! The HAPPY that can be found whether you're living your dream life already or just learning to dream. The HAPPY that is inside you whether you are surrounded by loving people or in your solitude.
That HAPPY.
So, I surrender here any over exertion or extended effort to GET HAPPY lest I MISS HAPPY which is HERE HAPPY.
:)
So, with that, I let go of 33 and I embrace the new year. It's been an amazing, full, HUMAN year of ups and downs and all arounds. What a gift.
Thank you for being part of one of my greatest gifts, which is Lindspiration and my readership. Thank you, thank you, thank you xoxox!!!!!
Looking back with some Sinatra and ahead with his song THE BEST IS YET TO COME, here we go:
Love,
lbd
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Peace, Love and Beauty be with YOU
Good morning!
I had SUCH an interesting day yesterday from the standpoint of mindfulness, an observer of the self, the "I" behind the LBD, the thinker/feeler/doer behind the thoughts, feelings and actions. Oh, yes. Interesting. But from the standpoint of actual BEING, it was painful.
I was experiencing a lot of very depressed thoughts and feelings. My mood was low. My thoughts were generally pessimistic, hopeless, discouraged, and negative. This, around areas of my job, my career, my health, my body, relationships, people in my life, and this was how I really knew something was up -- after 3 months of mega complaining about the weather in NY, bracing, waiting like a child for a visit from Santa and Rudolph on Christmas morning for some real Spring weather to show up, becoming blissful and gleeful whenever the sun DOES shine, I actually had the thought yesterday: Ugh, it's really hot out. Summer's gonna suck.
:)
I had lunch with one of my closest friends who happens to be as wise as she is loving. Very lucky me. I told her the majority of what I was feeling and something we came to agreement on is that efforts to push away feelings, whether they are grief, sadness, frustration, etc., too prematurely will prevent the necessary transformation and relief. In other words, feel what you feel and be with it in as easy and non-punitive way as possible.
So, I took that advice and my laptop to the river last night to write and reflect on exactly wtf is going on, what might be preventing me from feeling more happiness, contentment and gratitude in my life. Like the inquisitive journalist that I am, I started asking myself questions. I let myself just rant and speak out, hoping the writing would lead to clarity. It did.
Looking back at my notes, I realized that the unhappiness I was feeling seems to fall into a few categories:
*The first is ANGER and frustration with myself for not doing more or better to accomplish my goals. This has to do with pro-activity or lack thereof on the career front, eating habits, appearance, money management, thoughts I choose to focus on -- all the things and factors that at I CAN control, I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at controlling. I'm very hard on myself but at the same time, there are just some areas that I am really not holding myself up to a standard I believe in. So, in this category, I am not mad at you per se, I'm mad at ME.
*The second is some kind of sizable GRIEF cloud about the past. It's the way I get when, as was the case yesterday, I stop dead in my tracks when I smell the fresh cut grass and it transports me back to summer camp when I was happy and free and running around playing soccer with boys and girls. Nostalgia, folks. Or, when I see a couple smooching and I can feel the closeness of someone I loved as if they were right there with me. I'm no longer alone until I look at where my feet are and realize that in this moment, I actually am alone. I sometimes think I live with my own built in orchestra or soundtrack cued up to play a sad story on strings. Wah wah wahhhhh...
*The third has something to do with a FEAR of who to trust in this game of life. My world is really full and I have coworkers and friends. I run in a lot of different circles. The feeling that is most disruptive to me is not knowing where to put my trust, other than in myself and my higher power. I want to believe that people can really be trusted. We all do, right? Yet, I feel really confused about who to trust and also when I see how self seeking much of us can be sometimes. Myself included. 'Me, me, my, not you' is the song people sing out of fear of not getting, not having enough, not being enough as is.
*The fourth category is ENVY and drawing comparisons. When my envy-meter stars up and I fall into the trap of comparing myself to others, it's a complete and total mess. I think thoughts until I'm convinced I am, have and will be -- nothing. It is corrosive. It is more distressing than anything and it makes me have ill feelings towards anybody who has anything I want that I don't yet have for myself.
SO, those are 4 categories that are pools you might be swimming in if you don't feel well at any given time. If you don't feel happy. Now, you can be as unhappy or as moody as you want to be, right? Look at Woody Allen. I don't know if he'd call himself a HAPPY man, per se, but he is definitely making some significant contributions to society. Some people don't want to be HAPPY out of fear it will cause some sort of disruption to an ability to find truth, understand pain, create art, etc. As far as I understand, and my positive psychology buddies can certainly chime in on this (Louis, Emiliya..) being HAPPY is not about joy, bliss, glee, positivity and optimism all the time. It's a balance between that and the other aspects of the human condition, but I think the importance is being able to feel and understand how to frame and see things in way that brings meaning and feels loving and compassionate.
If you've read this far, I must've struck a cord with you and I hope you find it validating to some degree. Don't worry, I haven't brought you this far to leave you and say Good Luck, although certainly if you want to stop reading now, that's cool. Instead, I want to put a few ideas forth about how to deal and what else I've learned about where to go from here.
Anything I say here is meant to be considered as the words of a writer, not a shrink.
*Allow your anger, grief, fear and envy. That's right. Feel it, feel it, feel it. Let it run through your entire system like an uninhibited group of mountain lions and then, if you need to, punch a pillow, write 10 pages in your journal, pull an Eat Pray Love moment of quiet (or externalized) desperation on your kitchen or bathroom floor, declare it all useless, meaningless, empty and defeating, throw your hands up to the gods and curse every Facebook friend you have, judge, shame and blame, to yourself, all that is in your world. THEN, take a really deep breath, exhale, and see what happens. I would bet $1,000 you'll feel some relief. After that, GO TO SLEEP.
*Line up some new actions ASAP. When I say NEW action, I mean something you haven't tried or done before. A new fitness class. An open mic night. Sending out ONE resume to a prospective employer, Signing up for an online dating site that previously made you shiver but that you're open to now bc it's summer and you want to get laid. Or, you want to meet The One! You see, dating websites are fun bc you can be VERY specific in your wants and line up a few dates with like-minded fellows or ladies. All good. Just take an action!
*Forgive the Past. Huh? How do you forgive the Past? What about people in it? Ok, yes, them, too. Whoever caused you injustice, said No when you wanted a YES, whatever things happened, those moment you can't let go of (Saturday morning, I'm in Prospect Park, sunny, pick up soccer game, I'm 25, BOOM BOO YA, a Jamaican guy on the opposing team comes in for a tackle and crushes my ankle, thus ending my ability to really play 3 surgeries later), you've gotta forgive. It's letting go vis a vis FORGIVENESS. That's how it happens. The same way a mommy forgives a little child for a big mistake that wasn't intentional. That's kind of like how I look at the Past. It wasn't personal. It's just how the Past did its thing. So, imagine getting an apology for hurting you.
Dear Lindsay,
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry you felt so hurt by certain aspects of me.
Love,
The Past
Dear The Past,
Okay, thanks for the apology. It hurt. A LOT. I would not have chosen it myself but I understand it went down as it did and the time has come to forgive, let go and move on.
Thank you.
Love,
Lindsay
The next point is probably nothing you or I haven't heard before but it bears repeating. Here it is from a text another one of my wise and loving friends (did I mention how lucky I am for the people in my life? XOmg) sent me this morning:
You have a very full life. You have lots of reasons to believe things will work out for you. Whatever you focus on will magnify. I think you need a gratitude list. You did not lose a life. The people affected by the tornadoes and floods have lost lives. Get up and take action toward getting what you want. Said with love. -xxx
So, I would agree wholeheartedly that while GRATITUDE can be something that can lead to complacency if not balanced with realism (ie if you're in a shitty relationship but you keep staying grateful for what is GOOD about it, you might never seek the GREAT you DESERVE) in other ways it is absolutely wonderful and the antidote to feeling unhappy. My mood is always lifted when I turn to gratitude and from there, I have the power and strength to actually start moving in the direction or making changes I want to make. But, it starts with a fair amount of gratitude for the present moment and what you do have in your life that is ABUNDANT.
I know for me I have so much and I get blindsided by unhappiness waves. I miss it! Which is kind of my biggest fear and one that could be a self fulfilling prophesy for the rest of my life if I am not careful. You see, life is good. So good. Too good to miss, actually. Yet, we miss it. Do you miss...
the beauty because you're in the worry
the love coming at you because you're wanting for the love that was never even there in the first place
the quiet because of the storms in your head
the opportunity because you're still mourning the one you missed 5 years ago
THAT, my friends, is my goal and the goal of this very long post on this very humid, sunny(ish), peaceful, fairly okay to good morning in New York City. I want to get what it is here now. What I KNOW is open to me without having to change a single thing except my perspective.
Feeling good about myself, my accomplishments, the friendships, my family, this city, what I've overcome and all that is yet to come...
So, I don't know if that's "HAPPY" but I do know for sure it is PEACEFUL and it is LOVING. That, ultimately, is what I think I am really seeking and in some instances, finding.
More peace. More love. And, more BEAUTY!!!!!!
I love beauty.
Peace, love and beauty be with you. :)
xo,
lbd
I had SUCH an interesting day yesterday from the standpoint of mindfulness, an observer of the self, the "I" behind the LBD, the thinker/feeler/doer behind the thoughts, feelings and actions. Oh, yes. Interesting. But from the standpoint of actual BEING, it was painful.
I was experiencing a lot of very depressed thoughts and feelings. My mood was low. My thoughts were generally pessimistic, hopeless, discouraged, and negative. This, around areas of my job, my career, my health, my body, relationships, people in my life, and this was how I really knew something was up -- after 3 months of mega complaining about the weather in NY, bracing, waiting like a child for a visit from Santa and Rudolph on Christmas morning for some real Spring weather to show up, becoming blissful and gleeful whenever the sun DOES shine, I actually had the thought yesterday: Ugh, it's really hot out. Summer's gonna suck.
:)
I had lunch with one of my closest friends who happens to be as wise as she is loving. Very lucky me. I told her the majority of what I was feeling and something we came to agreement on is that efforts to push away feelings, whether they are grief, sadness, frustration, etc., too prematurely will prevent the necessary transformation and relief. In other words, feel what you feel and be with it in as easy and non-punitive way as possible.
So, I took that advice and my laptop to the river last night to write and reflect on exactly wtf is going on, what might be preventing me from feeling more happiness, contentment and gratitude in my life. Like the inquisitive journalist that I am, I started asking myself questions. I let myself just rant and speak out, hoping the writing would lead to clarity. It did.
Looking back at my notes, I realized that the unhappiness I was feeling seems to fall into a few categories:
*The first is ANGER and frustration with myself for not doing more or better to accomplish my goals. This has to do with pro-activity or lack thereof on the career front, eating habits, appearance, money management, thoughts I choose to focus on -- all the things and factors that at I CAN control, I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at controlling. I'm very hard on myself but at the same time, there are just some areas that I am really not holding myself up to a standard I believe in. So, in this category, I am not mad at you per se, I'm mad at ME.
*The second is some kind of sizable GRIEF cloud about the past. It's the way I get when, as was the case yesterday, I stop dead in my tracks when I smell the fresh cut grass and it transports me back to summer camp when I was happy and free and running around playing soccer with boys and girls. Nostalgia, folks. Or, when I see a couple smooching and I can feel the closeness of someone I loved as if they were right there with me. I'm no longer alone until I look at where my feet are and realize that in this moment, I actually am alone. I sometimes think I live with my own built in orchestra or soundtrack cued up to play a sad story on strings. Wah wah wahhhhh...
*The third has something to do with a FEAR of who to trust in this game of life. My world is really full and I have coworkers and friends. I run in a lot of different circles. The feeling that is most disruptive to me is not knowing where to put my trust, other than in myself and my higher power. I want to believe that people can really be trusted. We all do, right? Yet, I feel really confused about who to trust and also when I see how self seeking much of us can be sometimes. Myself included. 'Me, me, my, not you' is the song people sing out of fear of not getting, not having enough, not being enough as is.
*The fourth category is ENVY and drawing comparisons. When my envy-meter stars up and I fall into the trap of comparing myself to others, it's a complete and total mess. I think thoughts until I'm convinced I am, have and will be -- nothing. It is corrosive. It is more distressing than anything and it makes me have ill feelings towards anybody who has anything I want that I don't yet have for myself.
SO, those are 4 categories that are pools you might be swimming in if you don't feel well at any given time. If you don't feel happy. Now, you can be as unhappy or as moody as you want to be, right? Look at Woody Allen. I don't know if he'd call himself a HAPPY man, per se, but he is definitely making some significant contributions to society. Some people don't want to be HAPPY out of fear it will cause some sort of disruption to an ability to find truth, understand pain, create art, etc. As far as I understand, and my positive psychology buddies can certainly chime in on this (Louis, Emiliya..) being HAPPY is not about joy, bliss, glee, positivity and optimism all the time. It's a balance between that and the other aspects of the human condition, but I think the importance is being able to feel and understand how to frame and see things in way that brings meaning and feels loving and compassionate.
If you've read this far, I must've struck a cord with you and I hope you find it validating to some degree. Don't worry, I haven't brought you this far to leave you and say Good Luck, although certainly if you want to stop reading now, that's cool. Instead, I want to put a few ideas forth about how to deal and what else I've learned about where to go from here.
Anything I say here is meant to be considered as the words of a writer, not a shrink.
*Allow your anger, grief, fear and envy. That's right. Feel it, feel it, feel it. Let it run through your entire system like an uninhibited group of mountain lions and then, if you need to, punch a pillow, write 10 pages in your journal, pull an Eat Pray Love moment of quiet (or externalized) desperation on your kitchen or bathroom floor, declare it all useless, meaningless, empty and defeating, throw your hands up to the gods and curse every Facebook friend you have, judge, shame and blame, to yourself, all that is in your world. THEN, take a really deep breath, exhale, and see what happens. I would bet $1,000 you'll feel some relief. After that, GO TO SLEEP.
*Line up some new actions ASAP. When I say NEW action, I mean something you haven't tried or done before. A new fitness class. An open mic night. Sending out ONE resume to a prospective employer, Signing up for an online dating site that previously made you shiver but that you're open to now bc it's summer and you want to get laid. Or, you want to meet The One! You see, dating websites are fun bc you can be VERY specific in your wants and line up a few dates with like-minded fellows or ladies. All good. Just take an action!
*Forgive the Past. Huh? How do you forgive the Past? What about people in it? Ok, yes, them, too. Whoever caused you injustice, said No when you wanted a YES, whatever things happened, those moment you can't let go of (Saturday morning, I'm in Prospect Park, sunny, pick up soccer game, I'm 25, BOOM BOO YA, a Jamaican guy on the opposing team comes in for a tackle and crushes my ankle, thus ending my ability to really play 3 surgeries later), you've gotta forgive. It's letting go vis a vis FORGIVENESS. That's how it happens. The same way a mommy forgives a little child for a big mistake that wasn't intentional. That's kind of like how I look at the Past. It wasn't personal. It's just how the Past did its thing. So, imagine getting an apology for hurting you.
Dear Lindsay,
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry you felt so hurt by certain aspects of me.
Love,
The Past
Dear The Past,
Okay, thanks for the apology. It hurt. A LOT. I would not have chosen it myself but I understand it went down as it did and the time has come to forgive, let go and move on.
Thank you.
Love,
Lindsay
The next point is probably nothing you or I haven't heard before but it bears repeating. Here it is from a text another one of my wise and loving friends (did I mention how lucky I am for the people in my life? XOmg) sent me this morning:
You have a very full life. You have lots of reasons to believe things will work out for you. Whatever you focus on will magnify. I think you need a gratitude list. You did not lose a life. The people affected by the tornadoes and floods have lost lives. Get up and take action toward getting what you want. Said with love. -xxx
So, I would agree wholeheartedly that while GRATITUDE can be something that can lead to complacency if not balanced with realism (ie if you're in a shitty relationship but you keep staying grateful for what is GOOD about it, you might never seek the GREAT you DESERVE) in other ways it is absolutely wonderful and the antidote to feeling unhappy. My mood is always lifted when I turn to gratitude and from there, I have the power and strength to actually start moving in the direction or making changes I want to make. But, it starts with a fair amount of gratitude for the present moment and what you do have in your life that is ABUNDANT.
I know for me I have so much and I get blindsided by unhappiness waves. I miss it! Which is kind of my biggest fear and one that could be a self fulfilling prophesy for the rest of my life if I am not careful. You see, life is good. So good. Too good to miss, actually. Yet, we miss it. Do you miss...
the beauty because you're in the worry
the love coming at you because you're wanting for the love that was never even there in the first place
the quiet because of the storms in your head
the opportunity because you're still mourning the one you missed 5 years ago
THAT, my friends, is my goal and the goal of this very long post on this very humid, sunny(ish), peaceful, fairly okay to good morning in New York City. I want to get what it is here now. What I KNOW is open to me without having to change a single thing except my perspective.
Feeling good about myself, my accomplishments, the friendships, my family, this city, what I've overcome and all that is yet to come...
So, I don't know if that's "HAPPY" but I do know for sure it is PEACEFUL and it is LOVING. That, ultimately, is what I think I am really seeking and in some instances, finding.
More peace. More love. And, more BEAUTY!!!!!!
I love beauty.
Peace, love and beauty be with you. :)
xo,
lbd
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
4 Love Lessons
Good am!
I don't write too much about relationships on this blog but every once in a while I'm moved to share what I've learned in the hopes it helps myself and someone else. So, read on if you want to hear a few thoughts I'm putting together this morning about finding LOVE.
For those of you who don't know me, I am a single, white, Jewish but non observant, never married, childless, soon to be 34 (in 4 days) year old woman living and working in Manhattan. I have a college degree from an Ivy League school that still feels like a calling card I want to pull out whenever I meet someone, since my accomplishments in the professional world (I am pursuing a career as a writer and performing artist) don't yet reflect the brainiac I am, in my opinion, so out of insecurity I feel I must emblazon a red C for Cornell on my forehead. When someone on Jdate recently emailed me with a simple "nice resume", I realized I was busted.
So, Lesson #1, people: Don't lead with your resume. The right man is not looking for your report card, your list of accomplishments or your untapped potential. He is looking for you, your personality, your lifestyle and your spirit.
Next, I know a lot of women, myself included, have drama in the head about appearance. Despite those studies that say most men are oblivious to those extra 5 or even 10 pounds, despite a lot of men saying they don't necessarily look for someone drop dead gorgeous but someone who is confident, attractive and takes great care of herself (They check out your nails. Mine are unpolished and chewed, for the record.), despite what we know about physical appearance being fleeting over time and therefore NOT the thing that will sustain a relationship over the long term, I think there is the tendency to obsess over not feeling attractive enough. Since we often attract what we put out, let's take responsibility for that default line of thinking and shift it.
So, Lesson #2: No matter what you look like, whether a conventional beauty, unusually pretty, ugly pretty (you know what I mean -- odd and unconventional yet magnetic), gangly, chunky, plain, whatever, don't discriminate against yourself anymore. For lack of any original or new way to say it, whatever god gave you, just OWN IT. Do the BEST with what you've got bc I don't know a faster way to freedom than that point of view and releasing any line of thinking that says you're not good looking enough to find your soulmate. Come on.
A lot of women are exceptionally good healers. We are deep, insightful, patient, compassionate, open, nurturing, LOVING and wise. We are more evolved than a lot of men who have lived a life of repressing deep feelings, men who have been conditioned to DO and win and fight and fuck and go the distance while distancing themselves from who they really are. Then, we show up. And we're all gushy and sexy and smart and sweet and DEEP, and we show them things that attract them, scare the shit out of them and sometimes, in a very beautiful way, heal them.
HOWEVER, all of that good stuff, which does benefit both parties, can keep you from seeing a bigger picture. IF the relationship is not progressing, if he won't commit, if he doesn't want what you want long term (marriage, kids), if he likes to cheat and apologize, if there are toxic elements to the relationship, then, Lady Houston, you've got a problem.
Lesson #3: It is not your job to heal someone into becoming a perfect partner. Let go of what isn't working and move on. TRUST that life has something even better in store for you. DON'T SETTLE. Stay open for LOVE and a HEALTHY relationship that benefits both parties mutually and equally.
I understand wanting to be with someone that is great even if the relationship isn't. I've gone through it a few times in my life. If you need some song support, go to Patty Griffin's Let Him Fly. It's perfect! "Cause it would take an acrobat and I've already tried all that. I'm just gonna let him fly."
Acrobats are for circus shows and you're not a clown.
OK, final lesson. Sex. We all want it. We all need it. We all have it. We're humans. I'm almost 34, I am free enough to talk about it to some degree on what is mainly a PG-13 ish blog. I can jump right to the lesson here without too much context, other than to say Life is a great teacher.
Lesson #4: Don't confuse GREAT physical chemistry with LOVE! If two people get on really well in the sack, that does not mean either will be falling in love with the other or be available for a real relationship anytime soon! This, no matter how much zee passionne takes over for some amazing few hours. It don't matter. It is fleeting. Great, amazing, but fleeting. So when the hormones settle, the lights come on, the music stops and you can fill in the rest of your own details here, what are you left with?
Two people.
Compatible?
Interested in each other?
Available?
Beautiful?
On the same page?
Wanting each other while dressed?
Perhaps.
Okay, one more thing. Bitter, cynical, negative, pessimistic outlooks on LOVE and attracting it is about as much of a KILLJOY as anything I've come to know. It's not to say it necessarily acts as a repelling device against a wonderful soulmate match, though some would say it does. I've known some women who have met The One while living in a state of negativity, so who knows. I just know that for me, it weighs me down SO much and it's just no fun at all. I am Light and we all are, so anything which represses that Light is just not worth it.
So, Lesson #5, simply put: Lighten up.
Omg, it's almost 9am. I've got to get ready for work! Message me, comment, post, share this post if you enjoy this post, please -- thank you. :)
LOVE you,
lbd
I don't write too much about relationships on this blog but every once in a while I'm moved to share what I've learned in the hopes it helps myself and someone else. So, read on if you want to hear a few thoughts I'm putting together this morning about finding LOVE.
For those of you who don't know me, I am a single, white, Jewish but non observant, never married, childless, soon to be 34 (in 4 days) year old woman living and working in Manhattan. I have a college degree from an Ivy League school that still feels like a calling card I want to pull out whenever I meet someone, since my accomplishments in the professional world (I am pursuing a career as a writer and performing artist) don't yet reflect the brainiac I am, in my opinion, so out of insecurity I feel I must emblazon a red C for Cornell on my forehead. When someone on Jdate recently emailed me with a simple "nice resume", I realized I was busted.
So, Lesson #1, people: Don't lead with your resume. The right man is not looking for your report card, your list of accomplishments or your untapped potential. He is looking for you, your personality, your lifestyle and your spirit.
Next, I know a lot of women, myself included, have drama in the head about appearance. Despite those studies that say most men are oblivious to those extra 5 or even 10 pounds, despite a lot of men saying they don't necessarily look for someone drop dead gorgeous but someone who is confident, attractive and takes great care of herself (They check out your nails. Mine are unpolished and chewed, for the record.), despite what we know about physical appearance being fleeting over time and therefore NOT the thing that will sustain a relationship over the long term, I think there is the tendency to obsess over not feeling attractive enough. Since we often attract what we put out, let's take responsibility for that default line of thinking and shift it.
So, Lesson #2: No matter what you look like, whether a conventional beauty, unusually pretty, ugly pretty (you know what I mean -- odd and unconventional yet magnetic), gangly, chunky, plain, whatever, don't discriminate against yourself anymore. For lack of any original or new way to say it, whatever god gave you, just OWN IT. Do the BEST with what you've got bc I don't know a faster way to freedom than that point of view and releasing any line of thinking that says you're not good looking enough to find your soulmate. Come on.
A lot of women are exceptionally good healers. We are deep, insightful, patient, compassionate, open, nurturing, LOVING and wise. We are more evolved than a lot of men who have lived a life of repressing deep feelings, men who have been conditioned to DO and win and fight and fuck and go the distance while distancing themselves from who they really are. Then, we show up. And we're all gushy and sexy and smart and sweet and DEEP, and we show them things that attract them, scare the shit out of them and sometimes, in a very beautiful way, heal them.
HOWEVER, all of that good stuff, which does benefit both parties, can keep you from seeing a bigger picture. IF the relationship is not progressing, if he won't commit, if he doesn't want what you want long term (marriage, kids), if he likes to cheat and apologize, if there are toxic elements to the relationship, then, Lady Houston, you've got a problem.
Lesson #3: It is not your job to heal someone into becoming a perfect partner. Let go of what isn't working and move on. TRUST that life has something even better in store for you. DON'T SETTLE. Stay open for LOVE and a HEALTHY relationship that benefits both parties mutually and equally.
I understand wanting to be with someone that is great even if the relationship isn't. I've gone through it a few times in my life. If you need some song support, go to Patty Griffin's Let Him Fly. It's perfect! "Cause it would take an acrobat and I've already tried all that. I'm just gonna let him fly."
Acrobats are for circus shows and you're not a clown.
OK, final lesson. Sex. We all want it. We all need it. We all have it. We're humans. I'm almost 34, I am free enough to talk about it to some degree on what is mainly a PG-13 ish blog. I can jump right to the lesson here without too much context, other than to say Life is a great teacher.
Lesson #4: Don't confuse GREAT physical chemistry with LOVE! If two people get on really well in the sack, that does not mean either will be falling in love with the other or be available for a real relationship anytime soon! This, no matter how much zee passionne takes over for some amazing few hours. It don't matter. It is fleeting. Great, amazing, but fleeting. So when the hormones settle, the lights come on, the music stops and you can fill in the rest of your own details here, what are you left with?
Two people.
Compatible?
Interested in each other?
Available?
Beautiful?
On the same page?
Wanting each other while dressed?
Perhaps.
Okay, one more thing. Bitter, cynical, negative, pessimistic outlooks on LOVE and attracting it is about as much of a KILLJOY as anything I've come to know. It's not to say it necessarily acts as a repelling device against a wonderful soulmate match, though some would say it does. I've known some women who have met The One while living in a state of negativity, so who knows. I just know that for me, it weighs me down SO much and it's just no fun at all. I am Light and we all are, so anything which represses that Light is just not worth it.
So, Lesson #5, simply put: Lighten up.
Omg, it's almost 9am. I've got to get ready for work! Message me, comment, post, share this post if you enjoy this post, please -- thank you. :)
LOVE you,
lbd
Monday, May 23, 2011
A Day of REST -- Finding Balance in your Fitness Routine
Good morning!
So, as I write this post, I am enjoying coffee and oatmeal (latest addition -- organic dried granny smith apples which cook amazingly well w/ the cereal and add a nice crunch!) while letting my body relax. I had every intention of getting to a 6:30AM intenSati class today, but after 6 classes in the last 7 days (two of which I taught) I heard a very strong message from my body. Want to know what it said?
Time to take a break, baby. You've been doing amazing and you are getting stronger but now, you need to REST.
I felt a little guilty honoring my body this way and I even had an old thought like "Oh shit, does that mean I have to restrict calories and carbs today to avoid gaining weight?" So, let's address the latter first. No, there is no restricting or dieting necessary. Just a commitment to the usual 1600-1800 calories a day is perfectly fine, carbs included. Enjoy.
As for the guilt, no no NO. The human body is powerful but it still needs time to repair itself and when you REST, energy is restored. It is a very good thing. The mind relaxes, too. To help ease into the idea of a day in full or active recovery (that might mean light stretching or yoga later but nothing high intensity, endurance or strength training related), I share with you the benefits of a REST (R-Repair; E-Efficiency; S-Slowing down; T-Teeing up) day:
Repair -- The body needs some time to repair itself. When you're working out, essentially what is happening is there is a breakdown of the proteins and fibers inside the skeletal muscle and it's during the process of rest that muscle repair happens. This is why interval training is effective, sleep is great for the body and a day off is so good for you.
Efficiency -- I am gravitating towards workouts that take about an hour that I can do about 5-6 days a week. As much as I enjoy going to the gym, there are other places to go and things to do with my time, especially in the summer months when the weather is great! So, by taking some time off to rest, I am reminded that when I AM in the gym, I better be working out efficiently and effectively.
Slowing down -- Ah, yes. The art of slowing down can be a tough one if you're a bit of a speed freak like I am. Sometimes we become used to going a mile a minute until there's a sudden crash on the brakes. So, to avoid such highs and lows, it makes sense to intentionally work some Slowing Down into your schedule. Your body will tell you when it's time to take a step back and slow down, so just listen for a cue.
Teeing up -- When I'm in the rest phase, I can take the time to tee up for my next set of challenges, be them fitness, work related or otherwise. To be in a calm, wise mind state and look at the days ahead while you're in a state of rest can have such benefits. I used to have a bit of a hard time doing this but now I LOVE it. How can you take action if you're not mentally prepared, right? Incorporate a little prep time that will really help you be ON your game. You might want to try a visualization exercise. I've learned that just 5 minutes spent visualizing an accomplishment while in a state of deep relaxation, concentration and focus can really build confidence.
It's exciting to be on the path to reaching your peak!! Just remember the importance of taking a little REST at your present elevation...
Look out.
Enjoy the scenery.
Read a book.
Unwind.
Drink water.
Breathe.
Feel yourself in stillness.
:)
Find gratitude.
All best,
lbd
So, as I write this post, I am enjoying coffee and oatmeal (latest addition -- organic dried granny smith apples which cook amazingly well w/ the cereal and add a nice crunch!) while letting my body relax. I had every intention of getting to a 6:30AM intenSati class today, but after 6 classes in the last 7 days (two of which I taught) I heard a very strong message from my body. Want to know what it said?
Time to take a break, baby. You've been doing amazing and you are getting stronger but now, you need to REST.
I felt a little guilty honoring my body this way and I even had an old thought like "Oh shit, does that mean I have to restrict calories and carbs today to avoid gaining weight?" So, let's address the latter first. No, there is no restricting or dieting necessary. Just a commitment to the usual 1600-1800 calories a day is perfectly fine, carbs included. Enjoy.
As for the guilt, no no NO. The human body is powerful but it still needs time to repair itself and when you REST, energy is restored. It is a very good thing. The mind relaxes, too. To help ease into the idea of a day in full or active recovery (that might mean light stretching or yoga later but nothing high intensity, endurance or strength training related), I share with you the benefits of a REST (R-Repair; E-Efficiency; S-Slowing down; T-Teeing up) day:
Repair -- The body needs some time to repair itself. When you're working out, essentially what is happening is there is a breakdown of the proteins and fibers inside the skeletal muscle and it's during the process of rest that muscle repair happens. This is why interval training is effective, sleep is great for the body and a day off is so good for you.
Efficiency -- I am gravitating towards workouts that take about an hour that I can do about 5-6 days a week. As much as I enjoy going to the gym, there are other places to go and things to do with my time, especially in the summer months when the weather is great! So, by taking some time off to rest, I am reminded that when I AM in the gym, I better be working out efficiently and effectively.
Slowing down -- Ah, yes. The art of slowing down can be a tough one if you're a bit of a speed freak like I am. Sometimes we become used to going a mile a minute until there's a sudden crash on the brakes. So, to avoid such highs and lows, it makes sense to intentionally work some Slowing Down into your schedule. Your body will tell you when it's time to take a step back and slow down, so just listen for a cue.
Teeing up -- When I'm in the rest phase, I can take the time to tee up for my next set of challenges, be them fitness, work related or otherwise. To be in a calm, wise mind state and look at the days ahead while you're in a state of rest can have such benefits. I used to have a bit of a hard time doing this but now I LOVE it. How can you take action if you're not mentally prepared, right? Incorporate a little prep time that will really help you be ON your game. You might want to try a visualization exercise. I've learned that just 5 minutes spent visualizing an accomplishment while in a state of deep relaxation, concentration and focus can really build confidence.
It's exciting to be on the path to reaching your peak!! Just remember the importance of taking a little REST at your present elevation...
Look out.
Enjoy the scenery.
Read a book.
Unwind.
Drink water.
Breathe.
Feel yourself in stillness.
:)
Find gratitude.
All best,
lbd
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Real Fun Factory
Good morning!
Well, looks like we made it...
Another apocalyptic prediction bites the dust, as we don't turn to dust but rather live to see, breathe, smell, hear and taste another day...
WOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!
I didn't much enjoy flirting with the idea of disaster and the end of the world. I did have a fun time reading Facebook status updates related to the potential drama, though, including my own about the craving for a Friendly's Reeses peanut butter cup sundae, which would still be my last meal on earth but now has moved into an option for my birthday dessert next week.
This morning I want to share and celebrate a shift in perspective I had yesterday about people in my life and the power they do or don't have over me and my future.
I hope it helps teach YOU to embrace your power to create your reality based on the VALUE you place on yourself.
I am an actress and a writer, as you know. The bulk of my work has been exchanged in the world of commerce for little to no money at all. This is not incredibly uncommon for actors in New York to work for free on the short play, short film and even low budget indie film front. For writers amassing clips, it's also not unusual to get published without getting paid. That's how I got published in New York Magazine (250 words back in 2001) and then on BBCA.com, initially, before I started earning money.
Certainly for artists who don't want their creativity in bed with the interests of someone selling a product, there could also be a desire to protect the work 100% and just get it out there for free without any interception. It's one of the reasons I love Lindspiration so much -- my relationship to you, the reader, is entirely based on my content and your desire to read what I have to say. There is nothing else in the picture.
So, yesterday I had a conversation with one of my friends who is also an actress. We were comparing notes about the kind of exposure to the TV/Film industry that brings you into close contact with decision makers. In every business, there are people who make decisions about whether to hire you, so, while it makes sense to accept and embrace that this part of life, it can be easy to fall into thinking that the Decision Makers (from now on referred to as DMs) hold the KEY to your future. As if, THEY are THE ONES who can say YES to you, green light your project, cast you, sweep you up on the magic carpet ride of Success, la la la, etc., etc., etcetera...
When you're hungry for a job or as an actor "your big break", hanging around DMs can feel a lot like being on a diet in a chocolate store or bakery while PMSing. You're wanting, irritable, and feel very deprived...
You can want very much to court a DM, impress, please, and endear yourself to her or him. All the while, you may forget that the world is FULL of DMs, they are making business decisions that are nothing personal, there are usually more opportunities than you realize (truly another door or window to be opened if one closes), and, at the end of the day, YOU have the right and ability to create opportunities for yourself. No DM necessary. You can develop content that is green lit, approved of and hired by YOU.
Last night I found out that my one act play Suspended did NOT advance to the Final Round of the Manhattan Repertory Theatre's Spring Playfest. We were 5th in the running out of 35 plays, YES! However, only 4 shows advance, so we are done. Even though we didn't make it to the finals, I am SO PROUD of myself and my creative team (actor Jake Green and dir. Kevin Bigger) with whom I worked on this piece. I wrote, starred in AND produced Suspended on my own, I spent a couple of hundred my own dollars on all the production costs (although you can be sure next time I will be raising money like a real producer!), and did this all while holding down a full time job.
Suspended is my first play and this process showed me how much is possible for an individual with an artistic vision. It makes me so happy!
So if I can just compare the two energies I'm describing here -- the first is that I am beholden to DMs who have more power, access and clout than me. They are the Good Opinion Powers That Be who hold the key to my future. I better be fortunate enough to get a break, lucky enough to be acknowledged for my own talent, OR, uh oh, willing to change to fit into their mold like a little piece of green Play Doh that gets dropped into the Play Doh Fun Factory machine and out of which comes a square.
Now, despite Play Doh being one of man's simple yet cool contributions to humanity (and one I'd consider putting in my time capsule for future, post apocalyptic generations) I do not want to live my life like a piece of it. Now that I think of it, play doh smells and gets under your finger nails.
The second energy I described comes from doing Suspended and realizing I am my own source for work, creativity and freedom. That I can write, produce, act and do whatever else I want as an artist through my own resources. I can build teams of individuals for collaboration. I can start my own production company. I can buy a camera, start documenting things, interviewing people, putting them up on my blog, etc., etc., there is SO MUCH one can do these days as a self starter. So much that it can be a little overwhelming but no, let's keep it as abundance mind as opposed to too-much-can't-decide-overwhelmed-procrastination-paralysis mind. :) Taking actions is empowering and the sky's the limit!!
So, yes, while there will always be DMs in this world and I want to live in harmonious relations with those who may employ me as an actor or writer and support the growth of my career, I am committed to never away my POWER through a mentality of idolatry, which is about worship or fear. I only worship Source energy, from which all creativity, abundance, art and life emerges (that's the extent of my belief, sorry rapturists) and all I really fear is my own self sabotage, which, THANKFULLY, is being snuffed out by my passion, commitment, love, discipline, desire and faith in myself.
From this exact moment on, all I can do is appreciate what's come before me and be grounded in the present. I intend a state of openness and trust. To all my bold, courageous, self starting, entrepreneurial, artistic, ambitious friends and family, I thank you for being so damn inspiring!! I am so happy to be creating a real Fun Factory and showing up a day at a time for this party! Into my life there's been a big infusion of light, sweet, sexy, silly, honest, smart LOVING people who've taught me a thing or two about what to stand for in my life. If you're reading this post but we've never met, I send that energy and support out to you now as it's been so generously given to me.
All best,
lbd
Well, looks like we made it...
Another apocalyptic prediction bites the dust, as we don't turn to dust but rather live to see, breathe, smell, hear and taste another day...
WOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!
I didn't much enjoy flirting with the idea of disaster and the end of the world. I did have a fun time reading Facebook status updates related to the potential drama, though, including my own about the craving for a Friendly's Reeses peanut butter cup sundae, which would still be my last meal on earth but now has moved into an option for my birthday dessert next week.
This morning I want to share and celebrate a shift in perspective I had yesterday about people in my life and the power they do or don't have over me and my future.
I hope it helps teach YOU to embrace your power to create your reality based on the VALUE you place on yourself.
I am an actress and a writer, as you know. The bulk of my work has been exchanged in the world of commerce for little to no money at all. This is not incredibly uncommon for actors in New York to work for free on the short play, short film and even low budget indie film front. For writers amassing clips, it's also not unusual to get published without getting paid. That's how I got published in New York Magazine (250 words back in 2001) and then on BBCA.com, initially, before I started earning money.
Certainly for artists who don't want their creativity in bed with the interests of someone selling a product, there could also be a desire to protect the work 100% and just get it out there for free without any interception. It's one of the reasons I love Lindspiration so much -- my relationship to you, the reader, is entirely based on my content and your desire to read what I have to say. There is nothing else in the picture.
So, yesterday I had a conversation with one of my friends who is also an actress. We were comparing notes about the kind of exposure to the TV/Film industry that brings you into close contact with decision makers. In every business, there are people who make decisions about whether to hire you, so, while it makes sense to accept and embrace that this part of life, it can be easy to fall into thinking that the Decision Makers (from now on referred to as DMs) hold the KEY to your future. As if, THEY are THE ONES who can say YES to you, green light your project, cast you, sweep you up on the magic carpet ride of Success, la la la, etc., etc., etcetera...
When you're hungry for a job or as an actor "your big break", hanging around DMs can feel a lot like being on a diet in a chocolate store or bakery while PMSing. You're wanting, irritable, and feel very deprived...
You can want very much to court a DM, impress, please, and endear yourself to her or him. All the while, you may forget that the world is FULL of DMs, they are making business decisions that are nothing personal, there are usually more opportunities than you realize (truly another door or window to be opened if one closes), and, at the end of the day, YOU have the right and ability to create opportunities for yourself. No DM necessary. You can develop content that is green lit, approved of and hired by YOU.
Last night I found out that my one act play Suspended did NOT advance to the Final Round of the Manhattan Repertory Theatre's Spring Playfest. We were 5th in the running out of 35 plays, YES! However, only 4 shows advance, so we are done. Even though we didn't make it to the finals, I am SO PROUD of myself and my creative team (actor Jake Green and dir. Kevin Bigger) with whom I worked on this piece. I wrote, starred in AND produced Suspended on my own, I spent a couple of hundred my own dollars on all the production costs (although you can be sure next time I will be raising money like a real producer!), and did this all while holding down a full time job.
Suspended is my first play and this process showed me how much is possible for an individual with an artistic vision. It makes me so happy!
So if I can just compare the two energies I'm describing here -- the first is that I am beholden to DMs who have more power, access and clout than me. They are the Good Opinion Powers That Be who hold the key to my future. I better be fortunate enough to get a break, lucky enough to be acknowledged for my own talent, OR, uh oh, willing to change to fit into their mold like a little piece of green Play Doh that gets dropped into the Play Doh Fun Factory machine and out of which comes a square.
Now, despite Play Doh being one of man's simple yet cool contributions to humanity (and one I'd consider putting in my time capsule for future, post apocalyptic generations) I do not want to live my life like a piece of it. Now that I think of it, play doh smells and gets under your finger nails.
The second energy I described comes from doing Suspended and realizing I am my own source for work, creativity and freedom. That I can write, produce, act and do whatever else I want as an artist through my own resources. I can build teams of individuals for collaboration. I can start my own production company. I can buy a camera, start documenting things, interviewing people, putting them up on my blog, etc., etc., there is SO MUCH one can do these days as a self starter. So much that it can be a little overwhelming but no, let's keep it as abundance mind as opposed to too-much-can't-decide-overwhelmed-procrastination-paralysis mind. :) Taking actions is empowering and the sky's the limit!!
So, yes, while there will always be DMs in this world and I want to live in harmonious relations with those who may employ me as an actor or writer and support the growth of my career, I am committed to never away my POWER through a mentality of idolatry, which is about worship or fear. I only worship Source energy, from which all creativity, abundance, art and life emerges (that's the extent of my belief, sorry rapturists) and all I really fear is my own self sabotage, which, THANKFULLY, is being snuffed out by my passion, commitment, love, discipline, desire and faith in myself.
From this exact moment on, all I can do is appreciate what's come before me and be grounded in the present. I intend a state of openness and trust. To all my bold, courageous, self starting, entrepreneurial, artistic, ambitious friends and family, I thank you for being so damn inspiring!! I am so happy to be creating a real Fun Factory and showing up a day at a time for this party! Into my life there's been a big infusion of light, sweet, sexy, silly, honest, smart LOVING people who've taught me a thing or two about what to stand for in my life. If you're reading this post but we've never met, I send that energy and support out to you now as it's been so generously given to me.
All best,
lbd
Friday, May 20, 2011
Good morning!
I just got back a few hours ago from a fantastic morning intenSati class with Natalia Petrzela. It's an invigorating series and one of the affirmations she teaches is "Believing is seeing". It struck me because I am about 2/3 done with a book called Out of Our Heads: Why You Are Not Your Brain and Other Lessons from the Biology of Consciousness by Alva Noe (I bought it a few weeks ago off the non fiction staff recommendation table at the Strand) and there is a passage in the book that speaks to this topic exactly.
Here is the excerpt:
Stage magicians and set designers have long understood that in many ways our visual experience is not as rich as it seems. The first principle of stagecraft is that the hand is quicker than the eye. It turns out that, to a surprising extent, we see what we expect to see. For this reason we are very suggestible. If the magician gives us reason to think that he has taken the coin from one hand and placed it in the other, well, that's just what we are going to see. Seeing is believing because, in effect, believing is seeing...
The book is heavy on the vision science, which I'm not going to go into, but it ranges from the specifics of how we see objects to how we form precepts and interpretations, place images into context and construct stories to makes sense of what we see.
When I think about the way we form conclusions based not only on what we are looking at but also what we EXPECT to see, I just marvel at the extent to which this impacts how we go about our business. Our society is built on suggestions and it can be so easy to just say Yes to what we're told. From the very basic principles of advertising -- Company A has what you need and want; There is a problem, you have it, and Company B's product solves it -- to politics, from deep intimate relationships to body image, suggestions are all around us.
We possess this power to see what we want to see. If previous attempts at accomplishing your health goals, career ambitions, or an intimate relationship didn't work out, you may let that history impact your future. As if it is determined and bound to repeat itself. It's not. Just like the magician's coin didn't really disappear, neither did your prospect for any of these successes you desire.
Call out the illusions. See the suggestions. Release what isn't for your highest good.
I am sure that you can see your beauty if you open up and are willing to accept yourself as such.
I am sure you can visualize yourself succeeding and accomplishing things that are beyond your wildest dreams if you quiet down, activate your imagination, and SEE IT. Consistently. Every day. With FEELING!
So, I guess the question is, What do you really want to see?
I just got back a few hours ago from a fantastic morning intenSati class with Natalia Petrzela. It's an invigorating series and one of the affirmations she teaches is "Believing is seeing". It struck me because I am about 2/3 done with a book called Out of Our Heads: Why You Are Not Your Brain and Other Lessons from the Biology of Consciousness by Alva Noe (I bought it a few weeks ago off the non fiction staff recommendation table at the Strand) and there is a passage in the book that speaks to this topic exactly.
Here is the excerpt:
Stage magicians and set designers have long understood that in many ways our visual experience is not as rich as it seems. The first principle of stagecraft is that the hand is quicker than the eye. It turns out that, to a surprising extent, we see what we expect to see. For this reason we are very suggestible. If the magician gives us reason to think that he has taken the coin from one hand and placed it in the other, well, that's just what we are going to see. Seeing is believing because, in effect, believing is seeing...
The book is heavy on the vision science, which I'm not going to go into, but it ranges from the specifics of how we see objects to how we form precepts and interpretations, place images into context and construct stories to makes sense of what we see.
When I think about the way we form conclusions based not only on what we are looking at but also what we EXPECT to see, I just marvel at the extent to which this impacts how we go about our business. Our society is built on suggestions and it can be so easy to just say Yes to what we're told. From the very basic principles of advertising -- Company A has what you need and want; There is a problem, you have it, and Company B's product solves it -- to politics, from deep intimate relationships to body image, suggestions are all around us.
We possess this power to see what we want to see. If previous attempts at accomplishing your health goals, career ambitions, or an intimate relationship didn't work out, you may let that history impact your future. As if it is determined and bound to repeat itself. It's not. Just like the magician's coin didn't really disappear, neither did your prospect for any of these successes you desire.
Call out the illusions. See the suggestions. Release what isn't for your highest good.
I am sure that you can see your beauty if you open up and are willing to accept yourself as such.
I am sure you can visualize yourself succeeding and accomplishing things that are beyond your wildest dreams if you quiet down, activate your imagination, and SEE IT. Consistently. Every day. With FEELING!
So, I guess the question is, What do you really want to see?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Closing the Door on Perfect
Writers are usually told "write what you know". It's a solid piece of common sense advice, since very often writing well comes with knowing the territory you're exploring. Or, if it's something you don't know well, being the quizzical, curious one willing to ask questions about a strange, new world...
What is this thing you call creme brulee*? Why do your people use a blow torch as part of the preparation?
*My original post said flan. Oops.
That would be me writing my first food article.
When I think about something I know well, it's perfectionism, the result of which is excellence and, at other times, self criticism and negativity. I'm going to focus on restructuring and helping the latter, since I'm a caught in a little bit of a cycle of it myself.
I'm angry at the weather. Let's just start there. A good barometer for how I'm feeling is how peeved I get at Mother Nature for depriving me and the rest of the tri-state area of sunshine. 5 days straight of rain. For what it's worth, if MN were in the flesh, I'd have a hard time resisting a bitch slap. And I'm a feminist.
If I had to "unpack" my perfection, and that really is a perfect word to use since it's BAGGAGE, I would say that it's about a desire to reach or attain certain standards, a complete lost sense of the time it takes to attain said standards (Oh, overnight success, how you seduce me with you promise of instant gratification. Go away. Go hang with other wannabe instants. Like Sanka.), an over-valuing of the standard paired with an devaluing of what I've already achieved, and, in case you haven't noticed, self absorption.
Focusing on yourself and working towards achieving your goals? Great. Remaining plunged in self evaluation or criticism of yourself and the world around you, as if all that attention will somehow cause change? Defeating.
So, if I were going to get up today and go out into the world as a perfectionist, I can easily crush my spirit. The weather is cloudy-rainy-cool again. I am going to my day job not my dream job. I am teaching intenSati at Equinox tonight but I am still not at my goal weight, so I don't belong. I am coming home to an empty apartment later tonight to continue my latest obsession -- Season 1 of Weeds (LOVE IT) instead of dinner with my sig other (bc I don't have a sig other)...
Self pity is a symptom of perfectionism.
The reason I wake up happy, grateful, content, right sized and in the arms of Good Perspective on some days, while other mornings or days or weeks, I walk around with my hands bound behind my back by the controlling and intrusive Perfectionism, is beyond me.
So, I tell my critical voice, or, I ask my critical voice to please leave me alone. Tiring! I invite the alternative, which is Love and Gratitude:
I invite loving my body that is healthy but not skinny.
I invite loving my abundant career that is unfolding but not at its pinnacle.
I invite loving that I've discovered with clarity what my passions are and I have courage to pursue them every day.
I invite loving a job that pays the bills and puts me in contact with other people who love entertainment as I do.
I invite gratitude for the proximity of my family and friends.
I invite gratitude for enough money in my bank account today.
I invite gratitude for the mild air and the smell of rain on the leaves of trees.
I invite gratitude for my education, all I've learned and what I will continue to learn.
Tara Brach talks about the ease of being with your own imperfection. She understands how much anxiety perfectionism can cause and while I'm not sure how she goes on to explain its roots, she certainly talks about Compassion as a remedy.
Can it be that simple? Really? I think so. I know so. This, because as I finish up this little post and enter into a deeper state of self love, care and compassion, I can feel the thinking slip away. I can feel myself relax. Without any shift in the world around me or substance to calm me down, without an external object to rage at in order to take some focus off my own self criticism, I can feel some easiness.
I think that is the promise of Compassion and as close to Perfect as one can get these days. Alright? All Right...
Love,
lbd
What is this thing you call creme brulee*? Why do your people use a blow torch as part of the preparation?
*My original post said flan. Oops.
That would be me writing my first food article.
When I think about something I know well, it's perfectionism, the result of which is excellence and, at other times, self criticism and negativity. I'm going to focus on restructuring and helping the latter, since I'm a caught in a little bit of a cycle of it myself.
I'm angry at the weather. Let's just start there. A good barometer for how I'm feeling is how peeved I get at Mother Nature for depriving me and the rest of the tri-state area of sunshine. 5 days straight of rain. For what it's worth, if MN were in the flesh, I'd have a hard time resisting a bitch slap. And I'm a feminist.
If I had to "unpack" my perfection, and that really is a perfect word to use since it's BAGGAGE, I would say that it's about a desire to reach or attain certain standards, a complete lost sense of the time it takes to attain said standards (Oh, overnight success, how you seduce me with you promise of instant gratification. Go away. Go hang with other wannabe instants. Like Sanka.), an over-valuing of the standard paired with an devaluing of what I've already achieved, and, in case you haven't noticed, self absorption.
Focusing on yourself and working towards achieving your goals? Great. Remaining plunged in self evaluation or criticism of yourself and the world around you, as if all that attention will somehow cause change? Defeating.
So, if I were going to get up today and go out into the world as a perfectionist, I can easily crush my spirit. The weather is cloudy-rainy-cool again. I am going to my day job not my dream job. I am teaching intenSati at Equinox tonight but I am still not at my goal weight, so I don't belong. I am coming home to an empty apartment later tonight to continue my latest obsession -- Season 1 of Weeds (LOVE IT) instead of dinner with my sig other (bc I don't have a sig other)...
Self pity is a symptom of perfectionism.
The reason I wake up happy, grateful, content, right sized and in the arms of Good Perspective on some days, while other mornings or days or weeks, I walk around with my hands bound behind my back by the controlling and intrusive Perfectionism, is beyond me.
So, I tell my critical voice, or, I ask my critical voice to please leave me alone. Tiring! I invite the alternative, which is Love and Gratitude:
I invite loving my body that is healthy but not skinny.
I invite loving my abundant career that is unfolding but not at its pinnacle.
I invite loving that I've discovered with clarity what my passions are and I have courage to pursue them every day.
I invite loving a job that pays the bills and puts me in contact with other people who love entertainment as I do.
I invite gratitude for the proximity of my family and friends.
I invite gratitude for enough money in my bank account today.
I invite gratitude for the mild air and the smell of rain on the leaves of trees.
I invite gratitude for my education, all I've learned and what I will continue to learn.
Tara Brach talks about the ease of being with your own imperfection. She understands how much anxiety perfectionism can cause and while I'm not sure how she goes on to explain its roots, she certainly talks about Compassion as a remedy.
Can it be that simple? Really? I think so. I know so. This, because as I finish up this little post and enter into a deeper state of self love, care and compassion, I can feel the thinking slip away. I can feel myself relax. Without any shift in the world around me or substance to calm me down, without an external object to rage at in order to take some focus off my own self criticism, I can feel some easiness.
I think that is the promise of Compassion and as close to Perfect as one can get these days. Alright? All Right...
Love,
lbd
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Willing to Fail and Belong
Good morning! I had this thought yesterday:
I would rather get my butt KICKED and race around New York and LA, leaving no audition stone unturned, only to get REJECTED from every single casting director out there, told I'm too fat, too old, have bad hair and that I can't act, then to not go for my dreams full out.
I would rather be told my writing is a pathetic crapfest and only, after ample amounts of time spent writing, come up with trite, cliched, overdone, half baked stories and scripts that are never published, produced or performed, then to not go for my dreams full out.
AND, I would rather be broke, live with roommates (eegads, no cats, please), live off protein bars and frozen vegetables (assorted Oriental style) and give up certain opportunities to stay comfortable then not go for my dream full out.
ANNNNNND, as long as we're on the subject, I would rather spend ample time alone for reading, writing, taking classes, working on my monologues, performing, auditioning and training my body for all the roles I want to play then avoid my work by procrastinating with whatever it is I like to do in order to avoid going for my dreams full out.
Do I want to succeed? YES. Do I believe I have what it takes from a talent perspective? YES. Do I want it? YES.
And am I willing to fail? YES, with flying colors!!!!!!!!
"I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong."
I think we all yearn to belong somewhere and it does take a hero to be on the journey, the quest, to search for that place where we FEEL belonging. It may be found under a Boddhi tree like Buddha, in front of a class of third graders teaching math, inside a laboratory or on an elaborate action movie set.
These are just outside signposts. Specific. Manifestations of Source. Gifts.
So if "failure" greets me while I am pursuing opportunities, I won't let it rob me of that feeling of BELONGING.
It starts with where you are, right? That place in your heart, the place where dreams are born, and the knowing that wherever you are at in the physical world, no matter what the results, if the dream is there, you DO belong with it.
You are in it now.
You have the choice to live for it, a step at a time, and to be the dancing wanderer down the road towards your destiny.
Wanderer, the road is your
footsteps, nothing else;
wanderer, there is no path,
you lay down your path in walking.
In walking you lay down your path.
~Antonio Machado
Have a great day!
Love,
lbd
I would rather get my butt KICKED and race around New York and LA, leaving no audition stone unturned, only to get REJECTED from every single casting director out there, told I'm too fat, too old, have bad hair and that I can't act, then to not go for my dreams full out.
I would rather be told my writing is a pathetic crapfest and only, after ample amounts of time spent writing, come up with trite, cliched, overdone, half baked stories and scripts that are never published, produced or performed, then to not go for my dreams full out.
AND, I would rather be broke, live with roommates (eegads, no cats, please), live off protein bars and frozen vegetables (assorted Oriental style) and give up certain opportunities to stay comfortable then not go for my dream full out.
ANNNNNND, as long as we're on the subject, I would rather spend ample time alone for reading, writing, taking classes, working on my monologues, performing, auditioning and training my body for all the roles I want to play then avoid my work by procrastinating with whatever it is I like to do in order to avoid going for my dreams full out.
Do I want to succeed? YES. Do I believe I have what it takes from a talent perspective? YES. Do I want it? YES.
And am I willing to fail? YES, with flying colors!!!!!!!!
"I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong."
I think we all yearn to belong somewhere and it does take a hero to be on the journey, the quest, to search for that place where we FEEL belonging. It may be found under a Boddhi tree like Buddha, in front of a class of third graders teaching math, inside a laboratory or on an elaborate action movie set.
These are just outside signposts. Specific. Manifestations of Source. Gifts.
So if "failure" greets me while I am pursuing opportunities, I won't let it rob me of that feeling of BELONGING.
It starts with where you are, right? That place in your heart, the place where dreams are born, and the knowing that wherever you are at in the physical world, no matter what the results, if the dream is there, you DO belong with it.
You are in it now.
You have the choice to live for it, a step at a time, and to be the dancing wanderer down the road towards your destiny.
Wanderer, the road is your
footsteps, nothing else;
wanderer, there is no path,
you lay down your path in walking.
In walking you lay down your path.
~Antonio Machado
Have a great day!
Love,
lbd
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Happiness or Bust (a Move)
Good morning!
For about 10 years, after I made the leap from the publishing world into being a performing artist with a day job, I've worked (either as a temp or permanent staffer) as an executive assistant. While living and working in NYC, I'd clock my 9a-6p (it never ended at 5p) and use my nights/weekends to audition for, rehearse and perform in short plays, films, industrials, dance and vocal performances, as well as to take classes, train and write.
Whenever I'd go back to the office after a show there would be a HUGE low. It felt as if someone had taken a ball and chain and connected it to my ankle and cubicle. The intensity of the feeling was almost unbearable. One of my mentors has listened to my cry many a time during the work day. She's helped me reorient towards gratitude and understand that just because I still had a day job, it doesn't mean I don't have talent. It's part of the journey. She'd guide me to keep listening to my heart and be open, so that I would know for sure if this pursuit really is what I want.
I don't think I was whining. I think, more accurately, my soul was speaking to me and it doesn't whisper.
For years I've mulled over what to do about "this acting thing". Would I be happy just having it as a side activity, a creative outlet, or something just for fun? Why on earth was I dreaming SO big in this one specific area? How would I ever develop the talent, skills and appeal necessary to make it in Hollywood or on Broadway of all places? Who am I to dream THAT when nobody in my family comes from this world or really sees me in it?
Why was I so fucking scared?
That last question -- talk about fodder for the therapist's office. Fascinating. Fear. Why SO afraid? Of rejection, criticism, failure, humiliation, messing up in front of others? WHAT IS THAT...
Success is not a god to worship, nor are all the successful film, TV, and theater industry wonderkinds. Many are brilliant, yes, but they are not here to be feared. Like a punishing god. No. Life is not meant to be viewed that way either. Life is not here to inspire fear in our hearts. The childlike state of asking is great when it comes from humility, when it comes from wonder, when it comes from awe, but not when it comes from intimidation or unworthiness.
Yesterday, I lived my dream life in the real world. In the flesh! I woke up and went to a meeting where the topic was managing anxiety without addictive crutches (coffee excluded). Then, I went to Central Park and had the deep pleasure of teaching intenSati to my students under a grey sky that refused to rain on our Sati parade! After that, it was home for a little bit and then to get a haircut. I love my new layered locks. Moving right along, I had therapy at 3pm. I processed a few things and got CLEAR. I saw patterns I am repeating that are not for my highest good. I saw new patterns I am creating which are!
Yes, you can have more. Yes, you can have it all. No, you don't need to settle. Yes, love with a wonderful man and babies is coming down the pike!! It may feel like an unusually long, somewhat curvy pike but IT IS COMING. I believe.
Then, I had the last Round 1 performance of my play "Suspended" at Manhattan Repertory Theater. It did not feel nearly as strong as Friday night's show, but I was still very proud of it and SO grateful to live out my passion. Again. 3rd time. For so many friends!! Pure wonder.
After that it was off to the diner with a few of my wonderful friends. I came home and there was an illustration of me by the brilliant Norn Cutson with one of the affirmations I wrote for my May intenSati series -- "It's HAPPINESS or BUST!" There's more, but I'll unroll at a later date...
The point is, I was living what I've been desiring and intending. I decided that when it comes to "Happiness or Bust!" and turning my MAYbe into a MUST (that's another mantra I wrote for this month), that I must be going for all my dreams in full effect. Color. Reality. Now. I can not settle for less because then I will not be happy. So, my happiness is a little conditional, I guess! My happiness is contingent upon freeing myself. Gone must be any and all shackles hindering me from pursuing every opportunity to create the success I desire
I am focused on my future and know that my acting/writing is not a side thing. It never really was...I know that there are no gods above me to worship, just the Light within me, the same Light that is within everybody.
It is always up to the player to approach the game and, as we say in intenSati, PLAY FULL OUT! When you want something but you also live with the doubts in your head, you can feel like you have a split personality. Rocky on one shoulder. Conan the scaredy cat on the other.
You wonder which is true because they both feel powerful and strong.
They both make you feel surges of emotion.
So, it's player choice. I choose this:
And this:
"Every moment you are expanding to more. Every moment the larger part of you is becoming. You have to look forward. Tell the story of where you're going not where you've been. Of where you're going not where you are." -Abraham
I have SO MUCH to be grateful for in the now, so it's not as if I have little to embrace, validate and appreciate. That said, I have SO MUCH MORE I want to create and I feel readier than ever to step it up. I AM "in the world of where I'm going."
I want it, I want it, I really really really really really really really REALLY really want it.
I can have it.
Change the "or" to an "and" and what do I get? "It's Happiness and BUST!" That is exactly how I want to live. I want to bust through my fear more and more! To close, a song that captures it ALL for ME and for DJ, my first fictional character created for the stage, who I love. Very much. :)
LOVE,
lbd
For about 10 years, after I made the leap from the publishing world into being a performing artist with a day job, I've worked (either as a temp or permanent staffer) as an executive assistant. While living and working in NYC, I'd clock my 9a-6p (it never ended at 5p) and use my nights/weekends to audition for, rehearse and perform in short plays, films, industrials, dance and vocal performances, as well as to take classes, train and write.
Whenever I'd go back to the office after a show there would be a HUGE low. It felt as if someone had taken a ball and chain and connected it to my ankle and cubicle. The intensity of the feeling was almost unbearable. One of my mentors has listened to my cry many a time during the work day. She's helped me reorient towards gratitude and understand that just because I still had a day job, it doesn't mean I don't have talent. It's part of the journey. She'd guide me to keep listening to my heart and be open, so that I would know for sure if this pursuit really is what I want.
I don't think I was whining. I think, more accurately, my soul was speaking to me and it doesn't whisper.
For years I've mulled over what to do about "this acting thing". Would I be happy just having it as a side activity, a creative outlet, or something just for fun? Why on earth was I dreaming SO big in this one specific area? How would I ever develop the talent, skills and appeal necessary to make it in Hollywood or on Broadway of all places? Who am I to dream THAT when nobody in my family comes from this world or really sees me in it?
Why was I so fucking scared?
That last question -- talk about fodder for the therapist's office. Fascinating. Fear. Why SO afraid? Of rejection, criticism, failure, humiliation, messing up in front of others? WHAT IS THAT...
Success is not a god to worship, nor are all the successful film, TV, and theater industry wonderkinds. Many are brilliant, yes, but they are not here to be feared. Like a punishing god. No. Life is not meant to be viewed that way either. Life is not here to inspire fear in our hearts. The childlike state of asking is great when it comes from humility, when it comes from wonder, when it comes from awe, but not when it comes from intimidation or unworthiness.
Yesterday, I lived my dream life in the real world. In the flesh! I woke up and went to a meeting where the topic was managing anxiety without addictive crutches (coffee excluded). Then, I went to Central Park and had the deep pleasure of teaching intenSati to my students under a grey sky that refused to rain on our Sati parade! After that, it was home for a little bit and then to get a haircut. I love my new layered locks. Moving right along, I had therapy at 3pm. I processed a few things and got CLEAR. I saw patterns I am repeating that are not for my highest good. I saw new patterns I am creating which are!
Yes, you can have more. Yes, you can have it all. No, you don't need to settle. Yes, love with a wonderful man and babies is coming down the pike!! It may feel like an unusually long, somewhat curvy pike but IT IS COMING. I believe.
Then, I had the last Round 1 performance of my play "Suspended" at Manhattan Repertory Theater. It did not feel nearly as strong as Friday night's show, but I was still very proud of it and SO grateful to live out my passion. Again. 3rd time. For so many friends!! Pure wonder.
After that it was off to the diner with a few of my wonderful friends. I came home and there was an illustration of me by the brilliant Norn Cutson with one of the affirmations I wrote for my May intenSati series -- "It's HAPPINESS or BUST!" There's more, but I'll unroll at a later date...
The point is, I was living what I've been desiring and intending. I decided that when it comes to "Happiness or Bust!" and turning my MAYbe into a MUST (that's another mantra I wrote for this month), that I must be going for all my dreams in full effect. Color. Reality. Now. I can not settle for less because then I will not be happy. So, my happiness is a little conditional, I guess! My happiness is contingent upon freeing myself. Gone must be any and all shackles hindering me from pursuing every opportunity to create the success I desire
I am focused on my future and know that my acting/writing is not a side thing. It never really was...I know that there are no gods above me to worship, just the Light within me, the same Light that is within everybody.
It is always up to the player to approach the game and, as we say in intenSati, PLAY FULL OUT! When you want something but you also live with the doubts in your head, you can feel like you have a split personality. Rocky on one shoulder. Conan the scaredy cat on the other.
You wonder which is true because they both feel powerful and strong.
They both make you feel surges of emotion.
So, it's player choice. I choose this:
And this:
"Every moment you are expanding to more. Every moment the larger part of you is becoming. You have to look forward. Tell the story of where you're going not where you've been. Of where you're going not where you are." -Abraham
I have SO MUCH to be grateful for in the now, so it's not as if I have little to embrace, validate and appreciate. That said, I have SO MUCH MORE I want to create and I feel readier than ever to step it up. I AM "in the world of where I'm going."
I want it, I want it, I really really really really really really really REALLY really want it.
I can have it.
Change the "or" to an "and" and what do I get? "It's Happiness and BUST!" That is exactly how I want to live. I want to bust through my fear more and more! To close, a song that captures it ALL for ME and for DJ, my first fictional character created for the stage, who I love. Very much. :)
LOVE,
lbd
Thursday, May 12, 2011
To Live the Developing Dream
Good morning!
I woke up calmer than I've been in about a month, when I began the process of producing Suspended for the Spring Playfest at Manhattan Rep. For those of you new to this blog, Suspended is a one act play I wrote in 2006 that I dusted off and started submitting to short play festivals here in the city. I'm 2 for 2 as far as getting into the festivals I entered.
The first was in January and the second is currently underway. I produce the whole thing and act in it, too. It's been stressful but beyond fulfilling. Casting the role (twice), finding a director, arranging rehearsals around our three schedules, working out coverage at work, finding the time to practice on my own, plus, of course, wanting to be amazing, can feel like a lot to handle!
Good think I have a lot of help. Big up to big and little H. Thanks, Universe!!!
Sometimes I think I have to be the acting equivalent of the Second Coming just to get noticed in this city, since it's such a strong pool of talent. To a certain extent that is true. :) The actors and writers I know who are pursuing and doing this professionally are extremely devoted. Many are also extremely talented. We work 1, 2, sometimes 3 jobs on top of acting work to be able to afford living here and pay for classes, voice lessons, head shots, meals and everything else.
I didn't always know I wanted to be a writer and an actress. Rather, this dream developed a lot like a Polaroid picture.
Shake it. Come on shake it. Woo woo! Shake it. Shake it like a polaroid pic-turrrrre!
The trying, testing and doing gave me information that I DO want to be doing this and that I LOVE it very much. I perform, write, take classes, drag my prop suitcase around the city (I answer everybody's "Oh, where are you going? Taking a vacation?" with "YES, a vacation into the mind and my imagination. I have a show and these are my props."), and see my progress.
I know I'm coming from LOVE on this one. I love my play. I love myself in the play. I love not knowing at all if it's really "good" or not then hearing feedback and getting people's reaction to the work. I love thinking about the next play I'm going to write. I love reflecting on what got me to this place, including that class I took at Cornell -- Classic Plays of the American Theater with Prof. Gainor -- which blew my mind, not only because of the genius in the great works I read, but probably because I unconsciously aspired to write one myself!
I love thinking those magical four words:
I can do that.
I hear my feet go pitter pat...Said I can do that. That I can do!! One morning sis won't go to dance class. I grabbed her shoes and tights and all, but my foot's too small so!
There is a lot of noise out there in cyberspace. Facebook feels noisy to me, Twitter, the blogosphere, it's all feeling a bit headachy to me. I am craaaaaaaaaaving some very simple things right now -- quiet time to write, opportunities to perform, time spent hanging with people I love, working out, being in nature, doing those dailies to keep my life and home in order (how much do I love Fresh Direct), and reading. I am on line a lot but feeling VERY less interested in doing it these days, much as I don't want to miss anything.
One more thing. One of my best friends in the world is a genius in a lot of areas and one of her wisdom pearls is about loving exactly where you are NOW. Anytime I get into the poo poo's about having a "day job" and being "stuck at a desk for 40 hours a week" she is there like Zoro but instead of a Z she has an X -- to X out my negativity, of course -- then an O, to make "XO". That is LOVE, yes, which is what I need to find to stay in alignment. Loving exactly where I am, she tells me, will bring me closer to my dreams coming true. It's getting into the negativity that actually repels it and keeps those things I want further away. So, I offer that to you this morning. A chance to turn your X into an XO. :)
I think I'm going to end on that note because it makes me happy.
Have a beautiful day!!
Catch Suspended this FRIDAY at 6:30PM or Saturday at 6:30PM at Manhattan Repertory Theater (303 W. 42nd St, 3rd Fl). Tickets are $20. It's suggested you make a rezzie by calling RESERVE YOUR TICKETS today by calling (646) 329-6588. Please book in advance -- it's a small house which will likely sell out.
Best, xo
Lindsay
I woke up calmer than I've been in about a month, when I began the process of producing Suspended for the Spring Playfest at Manhattan Rep. For those of you new to this blog, Suspended is a one act play I wrote in 2006 that I dusted off and started submitting to short play festivals here in the city. I'm 2 for 2 as far as getting into the festivals I entered.
The first was in January and the second is currently underway. I produce the whole thing and act in it, too. It's been stressful but beyond fulfilling. Casting the role (twice), finding a director, arranging rehearsals around our three schedules, working out coverage at work, finding the time to practice on my own, plus, of course, wanting to be amazing, can feel like a lot to handle!
Good think I have a lot of help. Big up to big and little H. Thanks, Universe!!!
Sometimes I think I have to be the acting equivalent of the Second Coming just to get noticed in this city, since it's such a strong pool of talent. To a certain extent that is true. :) The actors and writers I know who are pursuing and doing this professionally are extremely devoted. Many are also extremely talented. We work 1, 2, sometimes 3 jobs on top of acting work to be able to afford living here and pay for classes, voice lessons, head shots, meals and everything else.
I didn't always know I wanted to be a writer and an actress. Rather, this dream developed a lot like a Polaroid picture.
Shake it. Come on shake it. Woo woo! Shake it. Shake it like a polaroid pic-turrrrre!
The trying, testing and doing gave me information that I DO want to be doing this and that I LOVE it very much. I perform, write, take classes, drag my prop suitcase around the city (I answer everybody's "Oh, where are you going? Taking a vacation?" with "YES, a vacation into the mind and my imagination. I have a show and these are my props."), and see my progress.
I know I'm coming from LOVE on this one. I love my play. I love myself in the play. I love not knowing at all if it's really "good" or not then hearing feedback and getting people's reaction to the work. I love thinking about the next play I'm going to write. I love reflecting on what got me to this place, including that class I took at Cornell -- Classic Plays of the American Theater with Prof. Gainor -- which blew my mind, not only because of the genius in the great works I read, but probably because I unconsciously aspired to write one myself!
I love thinking those magical four words:
I can do that.
I hear my feet go pitter pat...Said I can do that. That I can do!! One morning sis won't go to dance class. I grabbed her shoes and tights and all, but my foot's too small so!
There is a lot of noise out there in cyberspace. Facebook feels noisy to me, Twitter, the blogosphere, it's all feeling a bit headachy to me. I am craaaaaaaaaaving some very simple things right now -- quiet time to write, opportunities to perform, time spent hanging with people I love, working out, being in nature, doing those dailies to keep my life and home in order (how much do I love Fresh Direct), and reading. I am on line a lot but feeling VERY less interested in doing it these days, much as I don't want to miss anything.
One more thing. One of my best friends in the world is a genius in a lot of areas and one of her wisdom pearls is about loving exactly where you are NOW. Anytime I get into the poo poo's about having a "day job" and being "stuck at a desk for 40 hours a week" she is there like Zoro but instead of a Z she has an X -- to X out my negativity, of course -- then an O, to make "XO". That is LOVE, yes, which is what I need to find to stay in alignment. Loving exactly where I am, she tells me, will bring me closer to my dreams coming true. It's getting into the negativity that actually repels it and keeps those things I want further away. So, I offer that to you this morning. A chance to turn your X into an XO. :)
I think I'm going to end on that note because it makes me happy.
Have a beautiful day!!
Catch Suspended this FRIDAY at 6:30PM or Saturday at 6:30PM at Manhattan Repertory Theater (303 W. 42nd St, 3rd Fl). Tickets are $20. It's suggested you make a rezzie by calling RESERVE YOUR TICKETS today by calling (646) 329-6588. Please book in advance -- it's a small house which will likely sell out.
Best, xo
Lindsay
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Rehearsals for "Suspended" are going really well! Good thing, since we open tomorrow night. Come check us out at Manhattan Repertory Theater (303 W. 42nd St) as part of the Spring Festival One Act Competition. Showtimes are this Wed, Fri and Sat at 6:30PM ET. Make your reservations by calling (646) 329-6588. Tix are $20 and payable in cash (only) at the door.
I am loving this process and hope you can come to see us perform! Thank you for the continued love and support.
Best,
Lindsay
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Own Baby (or, a Mother's Day post)
Good morning!
I am on the path to motherhood. I know this because I feel a deepening maternal energy for myself, my friends and my students. I am growing into a healthy caretaker, which is an intention of mine actualized, since there was a period of time where I couldn't trust myself with myself.
My mother is amazing and well. We're meeting later today with my dad and brother to see the off broadway show Freud's Last Session. Then we'll go for dinner at a French bistro and share the deepest recesses of our psyches over very small portions. May I have an order of the ego-got? Sorry! I mean escargot.
Speaking of therapy, I recently spent time in a session of my own talking about the sheer sense of disbelief that I feel around the subject of me and motherhood. I never in a million years thought I would be childless, let alone single, approaching my 34th birthday. Never thunk it! I am truly surprised. I was always ahead of the curve in just about everything except arts and crafts. Couldn't draw a straight line to save my life. Yet, here I am, witnessing so many of my friends with beautiful children and just wondering how this happened. Was/is it my belief system? Is it fate. I don't know.
The shift for me yesterday was to realize I'm really not behind any curve at all. Or, more specifically, I can choose to think something more healthy, inspiring and pleasant than the more punitive and damaging idea that I am losing some sort of race to the parenthood finish line. God, I just had this image of running with a baby in one arm and a diaper bag in the other, dropping my child's toys and binkie onto the pavement, just trying to get there to say, "I am here! I made it!" If ever there was a space not to be competitive, it's motherhood.
I should also mention that if I wasn't almost 34 I would not feel like I even needed address the motherhood thing. In other words, I don't really want to be a devoted mom right now. I want to be a devoted writer and actress and fitness instructor who gets her break and has a lot of success and abundance. That feels like a much bigger priority to me today than procreating. I know they're not exactly mutually exclusive but I like and need time to work and focus. I can't imagine I can do that with a family just yet.
I believe in Divine timing. I really do. I am more peaceful than ever before and feel that I am being green lit to feel more free in my own life. To enjoy it now! To manifest the success I desire, wherever it takes me in the world. As a single woman, I am free to pursue all my dreams and devote myself to what I want to be doing without guilt. As long as I sign up for Faith a day at a time, there is really no space for big worry.
I can choose to live in the loving presence of my Higher Power who knows the right time and person with whom to start a family.
So, for today, I gratefully focus on what I've got. I've got a FABULOUS mom who is going to get all teary eyed over the heavily discounted yet attractive item I found for her at Pottery Barn on the UWS. I have an abundant group of friends who are mommies. They will no doubt be celebrating their little miracles today and I will share in that celebration of joy. I have groups of students and friends who truly seek me out, very specifically, for the energy, guidance and, yes, motherly wisdom that I offer; I feel very loved by them and the feeling is mutual.
I'm going to go take a walk now (sans baby, diaper bag or binkie) and then get down to working on my lines for an upcoming show. I love free time. The city is gorgeous and it's going to be a beautiful day!
Details for my own baby, aka the first play which I wrote, produced and act in called "Suspended", are as follows:
May 11, 13 and 14 at 6:30PM
May 26th are the finals so, pending our advancement, we'll perform again at 6:30PM and 9:30PM
Manhattan Repertory Theater is at 303 W. 42nd (it says Times Square Arts Center)
Tix are $20
RESERVE YOUR TICKETS today by calling (646) 329-6588. Please book in advance -- it's a small house which will likely sell out.
Happy Mother's Day to you and yours!!! May it be peaceful and abundant!
Lindsay
I am on the path to motherhood. I know this because I feel a deepening maternal energy for myself, my friends and my students. I am growing into a healthy caretaker, which is an intention of mine actualized, since there was a period of time where I couldn't trust myself with myself.
My mother is amazing and well. We're meeting later today with my dad and brother to see the off broadway show Freud's Last Session. Then we'll go for dinner at a French bistro and share the deepest recesses of our psyches over very small portions. May I have an order of the ego-got? Sorry! I mean escargot.
Speaking of therapy, I recently spent time in a session of my own talking about the sheer sense of disbelief that I feel around the subject of me and motherhood. I never in a million years thought I would be childless, let alone single, approaching my 34th birthday. Never thunk it! I am truly surprised. I was always ahead of the curve in just about everything except arts and crafts. Couldn't draw a straight line to save my life. Yet, here I am, witnessing so many of my friends with beautiful children and just wondering how this happened. Was/is it my belief system? Is it fate. I don't know.
The shift for me yesterday was to realize I'm really not behind any curve at all. Or, more specifically, I can choose to think something more healthy, inspiring and pleasant than the more punitive and damaging idea that I am losing some sort of race to the parenthood finish line. God, I just had this image of running with a baby in one arm and a diaper bag in the other, dropping my child's toys and binkie onto the pavement, just trying to get there to say, "I am here! I made it!" If ever there was a space not to be competitive, it's motherhood.
I should also mention that if I wasn't almost 34 I would not feel like I even needed address the motherhood thing. In other words, I don't really want to be a devoted mom right now. I want to be a devoted writer and actress and fitness instructor who gets her break and has a lot of success and abundance. That feels like a much bigger priority to me today than procreating. I know they're not exactly mutually exclusive but I like and need time to work and focus. I can't imagine I can do that with a family just yet.
I believe in Divine timing. I really do. I am more peaceful than ever before and feel that I am being green lit to feel more free in my own life. To enjoy it now! To manifest the success I desire, wherever it takes me in the world. As a single woman, I am free to pursue all my dreams and devote myself to what I want to be doing without guilt. As long as I sign up for Faith a day at a time, there is really no space for big worry.
I can choose to live in the loving presence of my Higher Power who knows the right time and person with whom to start a family.
So, for today, I gratefully focus on what I've got. I've got a FABULOUS mom who is going to get all teary eyed over the heavily discounted yet attractive item I found for her at Pottery Barn on the UWS. I have an abundant group of friends who are mommies. They will no doubt be celebrating their little miracles today and I will share in that celebration of joy. I have groups of students and friends who truly seek me out, very specifically, for the energy, guidance and, yes, motherly wisdom that I offer; I feel very loved by them and the feeling is mutual.
I'm going to go take a walk now (sans baby, diaper bag or binkie) and then get down to working on my lines for an upcoming show. I love free time. The city is gorgeous and it's going to be a beautiful day!
Details for my own baby, aka the first play which I wrote, produced and act in called "Suspended", are as follows:
May 11, 13 and 14 at 6:30PM
May 26th are the finals so, pending our advancement, we'll perform again at 6:30PM and 9:30PM
Manhattan Repertory Theater is at 303 W. 42nd (it says Times Square Arts Center)
Tix are $20
RESERVE YOUR TICKETS today by calling (646) 329-6588. Please book in advance -- it's a small house which will likely sell out.
Happy Mother's Day to you and yours!!! May it be peaceful and abundant!
Lindsay
Friday, May 6, 2011
About Those Four Agreements...
Good morning!
A few years ago, my acting coach, Tom Todoroff, introduced me to a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a simple yet profound book that introduces Toltec Wisdom vis a vis a grouping of four specific ways of living that, when applied, relieve you from suffering. These are:
Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Always do your best. Don't make assumptions.
Adhering to the final agreement, I won't assume you've heard of or read this book. Allow me to strongly suggest you pick it up because it was a game changer for me and I think you'll love it!
Years later, in my intenSati practice, the book was referenced and drawn upon by various teachers, including intenSati founder/creator Patricia Moreno and more recently, Darbi Worley. Two months ago, the series that Darbi did drew from these agreements and one affirmation she taught was, "I am immune to what others think." This affirmation really hit home for me because of that word immune, which for me draws word associations like protected, shielded, or impervious. Unaffected. Wow.
It makes sense from the standpoint of negative but the thing about this agreement is that it includes the "positive" things people say, too? So if you think my acting is shit or you think it's STELLAR, it doesn't affect me at all? Exactly. Nothing is personal. It's all, as Ruiz says, a function of your "dream" and really has nothing to do with me.
As someone who goes through so called "rejections" in the audition room, with writing submissions and in the world of dating, I like this agreement very much. I had the chance to practice it in full force the other day when, after checking the "search key terms" section of my blog (those words which you all google to get to Lindspiration!) I found "lindsay davis fired from intenSati". Excuse me?
Back story: a 9am intenSati Saturday class I was teaching at Equinox was removed from the schedule. The only reason, I was assured, was because of the need to find a good time for the beautiful bodysoulSati class that Patricia was rolling out. The gym I was teaching at is a prime location. This 9am slot worked for her and used to be her slot anyway before her pregnancy leave. SO, as much as the decision was upsetting for me, it was truly NOTHING PERSONAL. I was certainly not fired.
Yet, somehow or another, someone formed the opinion that I was and after I saw it in fine print, I realized I am affected by information that isn't true. Have you ever discovered you're the subject of gossip? It never feels good no matter how old you are, right?
After I spoke to Darbi and Patricia about it, I was actually reminded to be grateful my "Don't take anything personally" muscles were getting an excellent workout. I was also reminded that as I have a presence on the internet -- and who doesn't nowadays, really, but mine is more pronounced because of my work -- and the internet technically counts as the public eye, as my work (acting, writing, fitness instruction) keeps growing out there in the world, it will always be evaluated by others.
Of course, some people will like it and others won't. I will be some people's most perfect spot of tea. For others, I might be chalk on a chalkboard. Hope not, but it is what it is! Can you see how the Universe gave me exactly what I need to be working on with this test? I have a heightened proclivity towards outside opinion and to grow deeper in faith, independence and immunity to others' external dreams, I was given a GREAT opportunity to deal with a little blip of one concerning my teaching reputation. Thanks, Universe!!
One other thing I want to say is that even as I write Lindspiration and teach intenSati, I don't want to tell you how to live your life today because there are no answers that I have found for me that I necessarily think or KNOW are the ones for anybody else. I don't find freedom in that, mainly because I think we all are different and because I have a ways to go with my own applications of the principles I am learning, practicing and implementing. I don't know if I'll ever feel like I have a right to tell anybody what to do, but I certainly don't right now. I have learned a lot which I am happy to share and hope that by talking about my own experiences (which is pretty cathartic for me, thank you) while I'm in the learning process, I might cause a little stir inside your soul or awaken you to your own source of wisdom.
I hope it helps you connect to Knowing from which point you may feel more alive and connected to your heart. I don't always share about my struggles and what I'm still dealing with in this space. I actually feel more excited to be writing in the fictional realm (I'm working on plays and screenplays) then in personal memoir fashion, but you can trust me when I say my challenges are there and I don't always "succeed" but I am dedicated to doing my best (there's another agreement!) to live in a way that makes me feel proud, happy, and peaceful. I wish the same for you and hope we all come as close to the manifestation of exquisiteness that I believe Source wants for everybody. Nothing more but certainly nothing less...
Thank you for reading and enjoy your day!!
Best,
LBD
A few years ago, my acting coach, Tom Todoroff, introduced me to a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a simple yet profound book that introduces Toltec Wisdom vis a vis a grouping of four specific ways of living that, when applied, relieve you from suffering. These are:
Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Always do your best. Don't make assumptions.
Adhering to the final agreement, I won't assume you've heard of or read this book. Allow me to strongly suggest you pick it up because it was a game changer for me and I think you'll love it!
Years later, in my intenSati practice, the book was referenced and drawn upon by various teachers, including intenSati founder/creator Patricia Moreno and more recently, Darbi Worley. Two months ago, the series that Darbi did drew from these agreements and one affirmation she taught was, "I am immune to what others think." This affirmation really hit home for me because of that word immune, which for me draws word associations like protected, shielded, or impervious. Unaffected. Wow.
It makes sense from the standpoint of negative but the thing about this agreement is that it includes the "positive" things people say, too? So if you think my acting is shit or you think it's STELLAR, it doesn't affect me at all? Exactly. Nothing is personal. It's all, as Ruiz says, a function of your "dream" and really has nothing to do with me.
As someone who goes through so called "rejections" in the audition room, with writing submissions and in the world of dating, I like this agreement very much. I had the chance to practice it in full force the other day when, after checking the "search key terms" section of my blog (those words which you all google to get to Lindspiration!) I found "lindsay davis fired from intenSati". Excuse me?
Back story: a 9am intenSati Saturday class I was teaching at Equinox was removed from the schedule. The only reason, I was assured, was because of the need to find a good time for the beautiful bodysoulSati class that Patricia was rolling out. The gym I was teaching at is a prime location. This 9am slot worked for her and used to be her slot anyway before her pregnancy leave. SO, as much as the decision was upsetting for me, it was truly NOTHING PERSONAL. I was certainly not fired.
Yet, somehow or another, someone formed the opinion that I was and after I saw it in fine print, I realized I am affected by information that isn't true. Have you ever discovered you're the subject of gossip? It never feels good no matter how old you are, right?
After I spoke to Darbi and Patricia about it, I was actually reminded to be grateful my "Don't take anything personally" muscles were getting an excellent workout. I was also reminded that as I have a presence on the internet -- and who doesn't nowadays, really, but mine is more pronounced because of my work -- and the internet technically counts as the public eye, as my work (acting, writing, fitness instruction) keeps growing out there in the world, it will always be evaluated by others.
Of course, some people will like it and others won't. I will be some people's most perfect spot of tea. For others, I might be chalk on a chalkboard. Hope not, but it is what it is! Can you see how the Universe gave me exactly what I need to be working on with this test? I have a heightened proclivity towards outside opinion and to grow deeper in faith, independence and immunity to others' external dreams, I was given a GREAT opportunity to deal with a little blip of one concerning my teaching reputation. Thanks, Universe!!
One other thing I want to say is that even as I write Lindspiration and teach intenSati, I don't want to tell you how to live your life today because there are no answers that I have found for me that I necessarily think or KNOW are the ones for anybody else. I don't find freedom in that, mainly because I think we all are different and because I have a ways to go with my own applications of the principles I am learning, practicing and implementing. I don't know if I'll ever feel like I have a right to tell anybody what to do, but I certainly don't right now. I have learned a lot which I am happy to share and hope that by talking about my own experiences (which is pretty cathartic for me, thank you) while I'm in the learning process, I might cause a little stir inside your soul or awaken you to your own source of wisdom.
I hope it helps you connect to Knowing from which point you may feel more alive and connected to your heart. I don't always share about my struggles and what I'm still dealing with in this space. I actually feel more excited to be writing in the fictional realm (I'm working on plays and screenplays) then in personal memoir fashion, but you can trust me when I say my challenges are there and I don't always "succeed" but I am dedicated to doing my best (there's another agreement!) to live in a way that makes me feel proud, happy, and peaceful. I wish the same for you and hope we all come as close to the manifestation of exquisiteness that I believe Source wants for everybody. Nothing more but certainly nothing less...
Thank you for reading and enjoy your day!!
Best,
LBD
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Whose Quote is it Anyway?
Good morning!
Something happened yesterday that synched up with a thought or, more specifically, an issue I've been having for a while. In the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death, a quote attributed to Martin Luther King, Jr., spread like bright ink in clear water on Facebook and the web. It said:
I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
It was only after a writer from The Atlantic searched its origins did she discover Martin Luther King Jr. did not say these words. I realized I never heard this quote before and since it's such a good one, almost certainly would have if MLK said it himself! It seemed obvious after the fact.
The same day, a fellow intenSati instructor wanted to use a line from an email I sent her as an affirmation in her series. It was nothing particularly elaborate or creative. Just common sense information: if you don't know how you'll figure it out! Yet, when she said it I made a joke "Credit, please! :)" and felt a sense of ownership over this little piece of very basic life instruction. Why I was feeling possessive over something we are all told in kindergarden is beyond me.
I'm one of those people who likes to know who said something FIRST. My ego loves first. Just the other day, I was looking at Simon Sinek's website and book which is all about discovering the WHY of what you to do as a means to finding your life's purpose. GREAT message and he is so wonderful delivering. But, it sounded familiar to me. Sure enough I found a Tony Robbins clip where he speaks a lot about the power of the WHY. Then, I realized that of course Mr. Robbins can't be the first speaker or teacher who ever thought of and communicated this idea. Answering the WHY is as a means of self discovery that's been around for ages but if Simon Sinek is the latest guy to bring it forward in a very compelling way, which he does (love him!), then more power to him...
I had a similar reaction right after Obama made the announcement of Osama's death and I made the joke about Trump asking for the long form death certificate. Then, I saw Nicholas Krisotff TWEETED the joke (not after seeing mine, we're not friends on Facebook yet) and a friend's brother made the joke himself (we ARE friends on Facebook but he didn't steal it from me). Yet, somehow, I wanted credit. My little ego was like, Mine, MINE! Give me the credit for making a funny. I said it first.
Yes, Honey. You made a funny. Well done.
How old am I?!?!?! EGO, ego, go away, come back another day!
Similarly, I get very hot and bothered when people quote 12 step wisdom. The 12 step Alcoholic Anonymous program of recovery developed in the mid to late 1930s. It spawned many program slogans and quotes. I don't know the origins of said quotes. Maybe sober alcoholics came up with them, maybe drunk alcoholics did ("Fake it til ya make it!" woo hooo). I don't know. Perhaps they were taking from something each person read, a little of both, who knows? What I do know is when I hear someone say a program quote without giving credit to AA, it makes me sober skin crawl. Yet, it's done so often now and people pass along slogans and ideas as if they are saying it or discovering the wisdom themselves for the first time and you know what, who am I to judge?
Most recycled ideas are so commonsensical you've probably heard them in kindergarden, yet, and what we really have is something similar to Columbus "discovering" America. The Native Americans were already here, that's what we learn when we're old enough (3rd grade?) to realize what was really happening. Certainly intellectual property law addresses questions of copyrighting and what you can claim as yours, what can be borrowed, adopted, adapted and molded into something of your own creation. We hear song hooks all the time that feel oddly, vaguely, familiar, writers use jokes that have worked since people figured out that laughter is the best medicine, and fashion is so "inspired" by its predecessors you sometimes feel like designers are not even trying to come up with something new and bold but just relying on tear sheets from magazines left on a shelf in the bathroom.
I'm not saying it's easy! Certainly I obsess with being original and creative. As an actress and writer, I get very frustrated if I feel like I'm imitating anybody. I affirm each day that I'm authentic and try and get out of my own way. Sometimes I succeed. Other times, I do not.
The bottom line, I guess, is when it comes to wisdom and common sense instruction, there really is a ONE MIND source that we all are swimming in and from whom we learn what we need to learn, hear what we need to hear and see what we need to see at the right time. I'm not sure why it sounds better from certain people's mouths (I just wrote mothers my accident, interesting word slip!) than others. I don't know why I have this issue with being possessive but I'm sure it has something to do with a desire to be seen and validated by others. I can smile when I hear myself getting cagey in my mind. It actually fascinates me now.
So, I will share with you a quote that I didn't say but am saying now, not as my own, but as a pass along. It's from God. Or, people who claim to be speaking God's words. In Genesis:
LET THERE BE LIGHT
Thanks for reading. Wishing you love and light today :)
Best,
Lindsay
Something happened yesterday that synched up with a thought or, more specifically, an issue I've been having for a while. In the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death, a quote attributed to Martin Luther King, Jr., spread like bright ink in clear water on Facebook and the web. It said:
I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
It was only after a writer from The Atlantic searched its origins did she discover Martin Luther King Jr. did not say these words. I realized I never heard this quote before and since it's such a good one, almost certainly would have if MLK said it himself! It seemed obvious after the fact.
The same day, a fellow intenSati instructor wanted to use a line from an email I sent her as an affirmation in her series. It was nothing particularly elaborate or creative. Just common sense information: if you don't know how you'll figure it out! Yet, when she said it I made a joke "Credit, please! :)" and felt a sense of ownership over this little piece of very basic life instruction. Why I was feeling possessive over something we are all told in kindergarden is beyond me.
I'm one of those people who likes to know who said something FIRST. My ego loves first. Just the other day, I was looking at Simon Sinek's website and book which is all about discovering the WHY of what you to do as a means to finding your life's purpose. GREAT message and he is so wonderful delivering. But, it sounded familiar to me. Sure enough I found a Tony Robbins clip where he speaks a lot about the power of the WHY. Then, I realized that of course Mr. Robbins can't be the first speaker or teacher who ever thought of and communicated this idea. Answering the WHY is as a means of self discovery that's been around for ages but if Simon Sinek is the latest guy to bring it forward in a very compelling way, which he does (love him!), then more power to him...
I had a similar reaction right after Obama made the announcement of Osama's death and I made the joke about Trump asking for the long form death certificate. Then, I saw Nicholas Krisotff TWEETED the joke (not after seeing mine, we're not friends on Facebook yet) and a friend's brother made the joke himself (we ARE friends on Facebook but he didn't steal it from me). Yet, somehow, I wanted credit. My little ego was like, Mine, MINE! Give me the credit for making a funny. I said it first.
Yes, Honey. You made a funny. Well done.
How old am I?!?!?! EGO, ego, go away, come back another day!
Similarly, I get very hot and bothered when people quote 12 step wisdom. The 12 step Alcoholic Anonymous program of recovery developed in the mid to late 1930s. It spawned many program slogans and quotes. I don't know the origins of said quotes. Maybe sober alcoholics came up with them, maybe drunk alcoholics did ("Fake it til ya make it!" woo hooo). I don't know. Perhaps they were taking from something each person read, a little of both, who knows? What I do know is when I hear someone say a program quote without giving credit to AA, it makes me sober skin crawl. Yet, it's done so often now and people pass along slogans and ideas as if they are saying it or discovering the wisdom themselves for the first time and you know what, who am I to judge?
Most recycled ideas are so commonsensical you've probably heard them in kindergarden, yet, and what we really have is something similar to Columbus "discovering" America. The Native Americans were already here, that's what we learn when we're old enough (3rd grade?) to realize what was really happening. Certainly intellectual property law addresses questions of copyrighting and what you can claim as yours, what can be borrowed, adopted, adapted and molded into something of your own creation. We hear song hooks all the time that feel oddly, vaguely, familiar, writers use jokes that have worked since people figured out that laughter is the best medicine, and fashion is so "inspired" by its predecessors you sometimes feel like designers are not even trying to come up with something new and bold but just relying on tear sheets from magazines left on a shelf in the bathroom.
I'm not saying it's easy! Certainly I obsess with being original and creative. As an actress and writer, I get very frustrated if I feel like I'm imitating anybody. I affirm each day that I'm authentic and try and get out of my own way. Sometimes I succeed. Other times, I do not.
The bottom line, I guess, is when it comes to wisdom and common sense instruction, there really is a ONE MIND source that we all are swimming in and from whom we learn what we need to learn, hear what we need to hear and see what we need to see at the right time. I'm not sure why it sounds better from certain people's mouths (I just wrote mothers my accident, interesting word slip!) than others. I don't know why I have this issue with being possessive but I'm sure it has something to do with a desire to be seen and validated by others. I can smile when I hear myself getting cagey in my mind. It actually fascinates me now.
So, I will share with you a quote that I didn't say but am saying now, not as my own, but as a pass along. It's from God. Or, people who claim to be speaking God's words. In Genesis:
LET THERE BE LIGHT
Thanks for reading. Wishing you love and light today :)
Best,
Lindsay
Monday, May 2, 2011
Rest in Peace
"What, do they sell combination locks under the Giuliani name?" I asked.
"No, it's the real Rudy Giuliani. Former Mayor of NYC. He runs a consulting firm and they have an opening to assist the CEO of the security firm," my temp agency told me.
"Oh, thaaaaat, Giuliani. Does it matter that I'm a liberal feminist?"
"Eh, I don't think so. Just don't bring that up in the interview."
And so began my experience of working as an Executive Assistant to the CEO of Giuliani Security and Safety, a division of Giuliani Consulting, the former Mayor's private firm which focused on security issues. After only a few weeks I was asked to go from temp to perm. I was about 28 at the time and the salary offer was more than anything I'd ever seen working admin. At this point I was a struggling actress/writer who was not getting paid much for either so if I was going to have a day job again, I'd at least like to be able to afford some sushi.
"That's right. You let those Republicans take good care of you, honey."
Thanks, mom.
And so began my first foray into counter-terrorism land. I was employed full time at GSS for the period before, during and after Mayor Giuliani's presidential run. I quit shortly after he lost Florida. I was exposed to his inner circle and their inner circles. I listened a lot and fashioned myself a feminist fly on the wall. At times I wanted the Mayor to win the presidency, if only because then I'd be able to share some views on policy. I dreamt of having influence. I remember going into the VP's office and explaining why Rudy looks stilted and awkward on the podium. I thought he should try meditating before going on stage.
When I was first hired to assist Pat D'Amuro, the former Assistant Director in charge of the NY FBI, former advisor to President Bush, frequent on-air contributor to CNN and the man who lead the investigation into the 9/11 terrorist attacks (he was the head of the FBI's counter terrorism office) I thought this was a cosmic joke. I had been shocked and awed from 9/11, which happened while I was working in the back issues library of New York Magazine (my first real job out of college) in midtown. For a while after the attacks, all I wanted was to move out of the city. I had recurrent dreams and ocd like symptoms whereby I imagined planes falling from the sky. I tried Zoloft. It helped but I still wanted to move to Colorado.
So, when I was confronted with an employer whose major concern, for lack of better words, was ALL THINGS 9/11, I realized this might be something of a growth opportunity. Hez bo la hez bo hez bo la HUH? Scary. Osama? No thank you, prefer not to think about it, if you don't mind. My boss and his department were retired from the FBI, NYPD and NYFD and whether or not you agree or disagree with their politics (I disagreed) what you could not deny was they were focused on keeping America safe. They had passion. They had purpose. They had balls.
Over time, I became courageous enough to dip my brain into content and began doing the occasional research assignments and analyst stints. Nothing major but I was picking up a lot of information and it was all fascinating. To understand the origins of worldwide anti-US sentiment, constructive as opposed to failed attempts to destroy our country, to begin to probe the crossover interests of homebound domestic terrorist groups as well as the way government actions help or hinder international groups, all of this was compelling. I think I needed to get over some fear and this was one way to do it! It certainly made for interesting conversation when I went home for the holidays.
A dinner for Passover went something like this:
"So, how's work honey?"
"It's fine. Did you know that the real threat is not Al Qaeda in Afghanistan but Hezbollah in Pakistan and that Osama is really more like a king, a monarch, with no real power anymore but significance and symbolism nonetheless?"
"Oh, okay. No I didn't know that. That's amazing. Did you want a matzo ball in your soup?"
I developed a deep respect for the people who care enough about these matters to spend their lives helping the cause.
Fast forward a few years and I am writing the morning after President Obama's late night announcement that Osama Bin Laden is finally dead. The US accomplished its mission and the country is celebrating. Facebook and Twitter feeds are full of sentiments ranging from "Drag his body through the streets of NY!" to "Peace. That's what's on my mind." I am still thinking I'm cut out for SNL, since my first reaction to hearing the news was "Is Trump going to ask for the death certificate?" Apparently a few others had that joke in mind, including Nicholas Kristoff.
Glad to be on the same page as the NY Times columnist but all jokes aside, this is a big deal. Of course the threat of terrorism is still ongoing and pronounced, but at least there can be some peace in our minds and hearts. This man, whose conspiratorial leanings lead to the death and suffering of thousands not only in the US but across the world, a man who remained so elusive it made the US look like a 5 year old trying to play "Where's Waldo?" and failing, is finally down where he belongs. In the ground.
One more thing -- and this is tangentially related but not really since it all stems from similar seeds of ignorance, fear, misogyny, violence and social mayhem -- I was reading a little more into the sexual assault of CBS reporter Lara Logan that occurred in Egypt a few months ago. She was attacked, groped and penetrated by a group of men for about 25 minutes. I paid attention when this happened but not for too long. It hurt to think about it and I didn't want to, I guess. Yet, after last night's news I did return to the story and felt so sad for her and the scores of women around the world who are attacked. I had to ask myself what on earth it is going to take to heal violent groups whose interests range from rape to the take down of large office buildings full of westerners. Obviously this question keeps people up at night. Personally, I couldn't come up with an answer. I read enough to know that some say it is mainly a question of economics and education, that we need to start with the youth and future generations. I don't want to sound like a cynic but that sounds herculean and, sadly, it feels out of reach.
In all my years in NYC (I never did leave for Colorado or anyplace else and still work Times Square albeit for a media property not Rudy's firm, which is now defunct), I've never really felt safe. On some level, conscious or not, I am afraid for my safety every day. I remember conversations I had at GSS with some of my department who agreed that NYC is a prime target for terrorist activities and we will very likely witness something devastating again in all our lifetimes. They said it's reality not fear mongering. So, while I am encouraged by the news that Osama Bin Laden is dead and will certainly listen to analyst's views on what this means for the War on Terror, I don't feel all that different than yesterday. Maybe a little relief. Some hope. A little.
I want peace and safety as much as the next person. I am so grateful to people who devote their lives to serving this country in one form or another, who put their lives on the line and political differences aside, all in the name of peace. At the end of the day, liberal hippie chicks and dudes have as much in common with right leaning men and women who serve in the military, government or elsewhere to protect America. One of the effects of politics is that it causes rifts (heightens them, actually, to serve party interests) when there is really so much UNITING our country. We all want peace. We all want it now. If the death of Osama Bin Laden brings anything to mind for me this morning it is this: May he rest in peace and may world peace become reality for all the rest.
Best,
Lindsay
"No, it's the real Rudy Giuliani. Former Mayor of NYC. He runs a consulting firm and they have an opening to assist the CEO of the security firm," my temp agency told me.
"Oh, thaaaaat, Giuliani. Does it matter that I'm a liberal feminist?"
"Eh, I don't think so. Just don't bring that up in the interview."
And so began my experience of working as an Executive Assistant to the CEO of Giuliani Security and Safety, a division of Giuliani Consulting, the former Mayor's private firm which focused on security issues. After only a few weeks I was asked to go from temp to perm. I was about 28 at the time and the salary offer was more than anything I'd ever seen working admin. At this point I was a struggling actress/writer who was not getting paid much for either so if I was going to have a day job again, I'd at least like to be able to afford some sushi.
"That's right. You let those Republicans take good care of you, honey."
Thanks, mom.
And so began my first foray into counter-terrorism land. I was employed full time at GSS for the period before, during and after Mayor Giuliani's presidential run. I quit shortly after he lost Florida. I was exposed to his inner circle and their inner circles. I listened a lot and fashioned myself a feminist fly on the wall. At times I wanted the Mayor to win the presidency, if only because then I'd be able to share some views on policy. I dreamt of having influence. I remember going into the VP's office and explaining why Rudy looks stilted and awkward on the podium. I thought he should try meditating before going on stage.
When I was first hired to assist Pat D'Amuro, the former Assistant Director in charge of the NY FBI, former advisor to President Bush, frequent on-air contributor to CNN and the man who lead the investigation into the 9/11 terrorist attacks (he was the head of the FBI's counter terrorism office) I thought this was a cosmic joke. I had been shocked and awed from 9/11, which happened while I was working in the back issues library of New York Magazine (my first real job out of college) in midtown. For a while after the attacks, all I wanted was to move out of the city. I had recurrent dreams and ocd like symptoms whereby I imagined planes falling from the sky. I tried Zoloft. It helped but I still wanted to move to Colorado.
So, when I was confronted with an employer whose major concern, for lack of better words, was ALL THINGS 9/11, I realized this might be something of a growth opportunity. Hez bo la hez bo hez bo la HUH? Scary. Osama? No thank you, prefer not to think about it, if you don't mind. My boss and his department were retired from the FBI, NYPD and NYFD and whether or not you agree or disagree with their politics (I disagreed) what you could not deny was they were focused on keeping America safe. They had passion. They had purpose. They had balls.
Over time, I became courageous enough to dip my brain into content and began doing the occasional research assignments and analyst stints. Nothing major but I was picking up a lot of information and it was all fascinating. To understand the origins of worldwide anti-US sentiment, constructive as opposed to failed attempts to destroy our country, to begin to probe the crossover interests of homebound domestic terrorist groups as well as the way government actions help or hinder international groups, all of this was compelling. I think I needed to get over some fear and this was one way to do it! It certainly made for interesting conversation when I went home for the holidays.
A dinner for Passover went something like this:
"So, how's work honey?"
"It's fine. Did you know that the real threat is not Al Qaeda in Afghanistan but Hezbollah in Pakistan and that Osama is really more like a king, a monarch, with no real power anymore but significance and symbolism nonetheless?"
"Oh, okay. No I didn't know that. That's amazing. Did you want a matzo ball in your soup?"
I developed a deep respect for the people who care enough about these matters to spend their lives helping the cause.
Fast forward a few years and I am writing the morning after President Obama's late night announcement that Osama Bin Laden is finally dead. The US accomplished its mission and the country is celebrating. Facebook and Twitter feeds are full of sentiments ranging from "Drag his body through the streets of NY!" to "Peace. That's what's on my mind." I am still thinking I'm cut out for SNL, since my first reaction to hearing the news was "Is Trump going to ask for the death certificate?" Apparently a few others had that joke in mind, including Nicholas Kristoff.
Glad to be on the same page as the NY Times columnist but all jokes aside, this is a big deal. Of course the threat of terrorism is still ongoing and pronounced, but at least there can be some peace in our minds and hearts. This man, whose conspiratorial leanings lead to the death and suffering of thousands not only in the US but across the world, a man who remained so elusive it made the US look like a 5 year old trying to play "Where's Waldo?" and failing, is finally down where he belongs. In the ground.
One more thing -- and this is tangentially related but not really since it all stems from similar seeds of ignorance, fear, misogyny, violence and social mayhem -- I was reading a little more into the sexual assault of CBS reporter Lara Logan that occurred in Egypt a few months ago. She was attacked, groped and penetrated by a group of men for about 25 minutes. I paid attention when this happened but not for too long. It hurt to think about it and I didn't want to, I guess. Yet, after last night's news I did return to the story and felt so sad for her and the scores of women around the world who are attacked. I had to ask myself what on earth it is going to take to heal violent groups whose interests range from rape to the take down of large office buildings full of westerners. Obviously this question keeps people up at night. Personally, I couldn't come up with an answer. I read enough to know that some say it is mainly a question of economics and education, that we need to start with the youth and future generations. I don't want to sound like a cynic but that sounds herculean and, sadly, it feels out of reach.
In all my years in NYC (I never did leave for Colorado or anyplace else and still work Times Square albeit for a media property not Rudy's firm, which is now defunct), I've never really felt safe. On some level, conscious or not, I am afraid for my safety every day. I remember conversations I had at GSS with some of my department who agreed that NYC is a prime target for terrorist activities and we will very likely witness something devastating again in all our lifetimes. They said it's reality not fear mongering. So, while I am encouraged by the news that Osama Bin Laden is dead and will certainly listen to analyst's views on what this means for the War on Terror, I don't feel all that different than yesterday. Maybe a little relief. Some hope. A little.
I want peace and safety as much as the next person. I am so grateful to people who devote their lives to serving this country in one form or another, who put their lives on the line and political differences aside, all in the name of peace. At the end of the day, liberal hippie chicks and dudes have as much in common with right leaning men and women who serve in the military, government or elsewhere to protect America. One of the effects of politics is that it causes rifts (heightens them, actually, to serve party interests) when there is really so much UNITING our country. We all want peace. We all want it now. If the death of Osama Bin Laden brings anything to mind for me this morning it is this: May he rest in peace and may world peace become reality for all the rest.
Best,
Lindsay
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