Going Inward Precedes Going Forward

Good morning! About 8 years ago, one of my most special teachers gave me a book called THIS TIME I DANCE by Tama Kieves. The writer is a Harvard Law School educated corporate lawyer who gives up her unsatisfying, stressed out work life to go on a soul searching quest to find passion, meaningful work, authenticity and purpose in her life. Think of it as EAT PRAY LOVE by a woman oppressed less by the burden of heartbreak and a broken marriage than by a stifling, unspiritual career who gets her groove back in Denver, CO as opposed to Italy, India or Bali.

Cut to 2011 and Tama Kieves is a thriving writer, life coach and all around content woman who has come into her own, discovered her voice and has a great following on Facebook. I don't mean to sound trite at all -- she is awesome and I love her newsletters. I eagerly await her second book currently in the works and one day I do want to take a weekend workshop she teaches at Omega or Kripalu.

Her newsletter this morning with the essay "Why Does it Take So Long to Succeed?" really spoke to me. After going through a funny litany of possible "reasons" she may only now (I think she's in her 40s) be living this life of purpose she loves, including "maybe I just didn't go to the right peak performance work shop, therapist or energy healer...maybe I should've visited Israel..." she comes to this:

There is a divine appointment---a time when you finally stop searching for your truth, and you start cherishing your truth instead. My success took me the exact amount of time it took for me to trust myself, to trust my essence, to trust this Presence, this other realm and momentum of ease and goodness you never see on the evening news.


I LOVE THIS PASSAGE! Don't you? When you stop searching and start EMBRACING your truth, ahhh. So, as I go into my day today, I will be doing a little reflecting (in between a lot of prepping and packing - 24 hours until ITALY, yippeee!) about the TRUTH in me of which I am consciously aware, the aspects of myself which I have yet to cherish.

I'll start with that epic poem I wrote yesterday. :) About 120 people have read that ditty and I have to say, I give myself props for posting it unedited and without knowing if it's a "good" poem. Who cares. It's an expression of my creativity. Yes, my creative mind and heart is a truth of myself to cherish.

As a writer, I want to tell stories and I want to write what I see, hear, feel and touch, not to mention what touches me, and I realize that in order to create more opportunities in this world to write professionally, it starts with cherishing myself. I surrender to that aspect of myself and let go of beliefs which used to try and convince me that I am not a real writer since I didn't spend my childhood years in fairy tales, books, dreamscapes and pink. Truth be told, I was too busy playing sports and getting dirty! I loved and thrived at science and math. I only really learned to read (and by that I mean appreciate, analyze and and write about great works of literature) when I was in college. I was late coming around to the power of the word, I guess, and I don't think I wanted to write until I had more to say or more relief to find from a lot of discomfort. The need created the outlet.

I urge you to embrace your truth today. Celebrate in the best way you see fit! I changed my Facebook work profile to "freelance writer" so now that is the first thing I see on that page. That's what I'm talking about...

Going inward precedes going forward.

I am ending with an intention:

I continue to surrender and let go of anything that keeps me from living my most inspired, passionate life now. I am a writer. I am a thinker. I belong in an environment that supports my creativity, intellectual fulfillment and growth. As I uncover the truth of who I am, life becomes a simpler journey. I am here to please no one but myself. By going inward I AM going forward, which I relish, since stagnancy and staleness is old. I live to grow into the truest expression of myself.

Finito! Andiamo!

Enjoy your day,
Lindsay

Oh, Heart (a poem)

Dear readers, I wrote this poem "Oh, Heart" this morning and am opting to post it here in its entirety, unedited. I don't know if it's done or not. I hope you enjoy it and please remember I am a CREATIVE writer. That's all I'll say. Enjoy! :) L


Oh, heart
that I can be content, grateful and appreciative
for life
for breath, for love
and yet crave so much more
craving sounds primitive
banal
sick sounds
like more would never be enough
but it would be.

It would be.

To wake up in the safe
arms of my beloved
to age gracefully in his presence
adorned

to savor the taste of your tender lips
the feel of your stare
with ease, my heart and body can't
stand to be alone, the fortune
of my life seeks ways to be doubled
and shared.

Hearts pump and beat to give life to ourselves
but also to another and mine
is broken no more
it is only waiting, the pause between beats
the flutter of a valve entering
chambers of new wonders
new tastes

my explorer heart eager to love a new hillside
a new olive branch
a family of strangers in peace

my peaceful heart
eager to escape cacophony and discord
pollution and dead ends
the rush
sneak attacks and circles of danger
swirling around and behind my back.

My heart no longer knows envy
as much
besides the knowing that
every breath I take is a moment of grace
it is too busy giving me life!

And I am taking it.

Yet, it longs for ROMANCE
it longs for the beauty beneath the surface and spectacle,
it longs to love another man and a son, perhaps a daughter
to wrap a family in an embrace that will never be laced with poison.

No need to psycho babble the tikun
the correction
no need to pry open closed
doors to rooms which held nightmares
no need to go back
and forth.

We capture pictures through a lens
to save beauty and reflect it
back unto us
to give someone else a gift
almost as good as being there itself
the promise and allure
of greater days
a softer look on the face
a slimmer physique
a passport adventure to someplace luxurious, precious, new
we offer it up for grabs like flowers
magenta in a pot
like the sounds of three birds chirping
a traveling trio.

Whatever can feel the
whatever can feel
whatever can fill the
tributaries of the beating heart with love
is good.

And that heart of more which longs for that man
my son
that heart which carries
the pain of the past
guilt, anger, rage
at myself for breaking a bond
breaking a pact
between me and my God
who gifted me with my life only so that I can tear up my body
erode my mind
abuse myself
lose my serenity, sanity and balance

or was it god that gifted me my disturbances so
I can find him
for my healing

ah, that feels right.

As my trio of chirping birdies
gets louder in agreement
life being all it is
destruction death suffering
creating the need for
rebuilding, new life, healing
that I may know both, fully.

So perhaps this trip
this upcoming trip I will take in 3 days
this dream come true passage
voyage
to a land of enchantment
Rome
Tuscany
from my Manhattan to the "Medieval Manhattan"
San Gimignano
if all goes well
safely, I mean
I ask, beg, plead
that this be a turning point for me

that the fruits
olives
vineyards
fresh air
energy
magic
history
power
of Renaissance Italy
fill my heart and soul
quench my thirst
symbolize and nurture my return to
land, abundance, LOVE

that I enter a new phase of life
where my barren body becomes ripe
and ready for motherhood
my mind releases from trance and returns to
its power and intelligence
that my body heals fully, moves
into a more feminine place
soft, flexible, pliable and lean

that dreams come true for me and new ones form
the ones meant to last stay
while those meant to be released
find their way
out of my spirit and into the atmosphere.

Oh, heart.

How I long and seek to make you happy
by gazing straight into the beauty of the sea
the countryside
the eyes of a beloved
unafraid to inhabit the beauty
being reflected back to me.

For I am that.

~lbd

On Passports and Patience

Buongiorno!!

So. I am scheduled to go to Rome and Tuscany on Wednesday. Rome first. Then Tuscany. It's a vacation with a friend that's been a few months in the making and it's finally (almost) here!!

There is, however, a glitch. My passport hasn't arrived yet.

I will spare you the nitty gritty except to say that if you were ever wondering if an expired driver's license works as proof of identification, it doesn't. And if you were ever wondering if the gentleman who works the passport station at the Rock Center Post Office knows policy through and through, he doesn't. I was ill-advised that a signed affidavit would be sufficient to prove identity in lieu of the license being a week out of date.

It wasn't.

So, I went to the DMV, renewed my license, and sent it to the passport center along with every proof of identification I own, short of a small vile of blood. Sorry, gross. Now, with just a few days until my trip, the passport's being processed but still hasn't been mailed yet.

Enter my fear based machina:

Your trip is going to be foiled, principessa!!! Call and email the passport customer service line multiple times a day and go to battle like a Roman with each one who has less information than the one you spoke to previously. Obsess, worry, be angry, do whatever emotional rain dance you have to do, update your FB status so 1100 people can say a collective prayer for you, lose your serenity!

Enter my higher self:

What a great way to learn patience. Doing the footwork every day. Calling the Passport Center. Checking in. Then, letting it go since you are POWERLESS right now and can only practice PATIENCE. Your FAITH is being tested. Just trust. They have your travel date marked. You've done all you can do. It's being expedited. LET GO.

Higher Self wisdom is on point but this is not easy to do. I know I have a last resort - a Monday morning visit to the regional passport office down on Hudson street with my proof of travel. If my passport doesn't arrive today or Saturday that's the next step. I will get my passport. However, this is kicking up a lot of feelings for me and really testing my trust muscle.

Sometimes you're just in a holding pattern and there is nothing left to do but let go and surrender. This month I am teaching and practicing the affirmation, "I surrender to a power that is greater than myself for guidance, strength and anything else." Well, here we are -- it's time to surrender. The big Ask this time isn't for the passport, but the patience and peace I want to maintain while I wait...

but tossing up a prayer to the Patron Saint of Passports can't hurt, right?! Come onnnn!

How often do things work out for people and then you hear them say, "If only I didn't spend so much time fussing and worrying while the process was underway. Oh, if I knew it was going to all work out, I wouldn't have worried!"

Let me say that again.

How often do you hear a newly married person who meets their beloved a little later than first round 20-somethings say they wish they didn't spent all their single years fussing. Or, someone who survives an illness express that they could've been more at peace while healing and recovering instead of projecting so many worse case scenarios.

So, the key is to be in a place of Knowing that it really is all working out so there really is no legitimate reason to lose precious serenity over this process.

So, I shift myself by choosing a different lens through which to look at my circumstances. I return to my heart center and feel my anticipation return, excitement, thinking of how I wept while reading my first Italy guidebook! Wept. Because traveling to Italy is a dream come true and feels like it's happening at EXACTLY the right time. AHH!

I know I will be moved beyond my conscious comprehension -- the beauty, the art, the language (calling up my 3 semesters of college Italian, andiamo!), the people, the food, the distance from here...good bye Duane Reade, hello Duomo! (Seriously, when Duane Read became like a full service supermarket instead of a just a drug store, I thought to myself, why is this the greatest proof I can find of NYC's evolution. Where else are we changing as a city? Why is Duane Read everywhere and how come it feels the need to sell sandwiches and fruit. I don't get it.)

So, I will patiently wait another day today for my passport. I will also let myself enjoy the planning of this trip, imagining our drives through the breathtaking Tuscan countryside and clearing whatever fear I feel in favor of openness to this experience, the experience of Itaaaaaly, of art and of poetry, ahhhh, poetry...

S'amor non è, che dunque è quel ch'io sento?
Ma s'egli è amor, perdio, che cosa et quale?
Se bona, onde l'effecto aspro mortale?
Se ria, onde sí dolce ogni tormento?

What do I feel if this is not love?
But if it is love, God, what thing is this?
If good, why this effect: bitter, mortal?
If bad, then why is every suffering sweet?

S'a mia voglia ardo, onde 'l pianto e lamento?
S'a mal mio grado, il lamentar che vale?
O viva morte, o dilectoso male,
come puoi tanto in me, s'io no 'l consento?

If I desire to burn, why tears and grief?
If my state's evil, what's the use of grieving?
O living death, O delightful evil,
how can you be in me so, if I do not consent?

Et s'io 'l consento, a gran torto mi doglio.
Fra sí contrari vènti in frale barca
mi trovo in alto mar senza governo,

And if I consent, I am greatly wrong in sorrowing.
Among conflicting winds in a frail boat
I find myself on the deep sea without a helm,

sí lieve di saver, d'error sí carca
ch'i' medesmo non so quel ch'io mi voglio,
et tremo a mezza state, ardendo il verno.

so light in knowledge, so laden with error,
that I do not know what I wish myself,
and tremble in midsummer, burn in winter.

-Petrarch

Best,
Lindsay

Specificity and Self Excavation

Good morning! Check out this photo from yesterday's intenSati class in Central Park. :) We had a fantastic turnout, which delighted and surprised me, seeing as it's a holiday weekend. Since one of my affirmations this month is "I let go of expectations" (done with the intenSati action for DETACHMENT) I approached class as a chance to practice letting go of who or how many students would show up. The result was each one who appeared felt like such a gift.

I was thinking about how specific we are as human beings, which is something my acting coach used to remind us when it came to building a character. There are just so many, many preferences that we form over our lifetimes that make us individuals. The quirks. The Sally-like moments of, I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side. One person's pet peeves are another person's point of entry to inspiration.

For me, I just love teaching this specific fitness practice (intenSati) outdoors in Central Park to a medium sized group of grateful students for free. :) It makes me feel so good. So happy. I am amazed by how much it lights myself and others up so consistently, this very specific little gig.

I'm giving myself permission this month to free myself from what has become the burden of figuring out what I want to pursue career wise. I am letting go of an expectation to fully understand whether my latest mixed emotions about pursuing the acting is simply fear or a sign I'd rather be doing something else. I am accepting that lately my mind's been feeling like a Cuisinart blender just trying to mix, chop, and puree the possibilities for work and my future without a clear result. In other words, I am done trying. I am officially, for this month, on vacation.

When I used to think about what I wanted to be when I grow up, things were a lot different. The internet didn't really exist when I was in high school (it existed but hadn't yet reached the mainstream). "Social" and "media" were not two words that you saw side by side. I could tell you about my Slambook but not Facebook. To work in publishing meant magazines (my first real job out of Cornell was at New York Magazine in the Information Services Department. The NYMag website was just being built.). A writer was a writer, not a blogger. Traffic was something to avoid and complain about (I grew up on Long Island. Shout out to 495 and the Northern State.) not intend (Ooh, how many page views on my blog this week!?).

Life vocation indecision in your 30s feels like being lost in the aisles of Toys R Us while thinking, Aren't I too old to be in Toys R Us in the first place? There are a few exciting toys to choose from as well as a racket of children's whiney voices in the background.

Be an actor. No, don't.

You're a writer. Write.

Be a therapist.

Teach more intenSati classes.

Help people now!

Make more money and then you'll be happier.

Then it changes tense...

I wanna to go to grad school.

I wanna take a long break from this life and just shack up in the woods somewhere to write for 3 months.

I wanna help people.

I wanna be an artist. Music, dance, poetry, prose.

Oh, what is with you, grow up.

More ways, more toys, oh, boy!

Make. A. Decision.

Or, you'll just remain a Toys R Us kid!

Of course, I can and will do my best to reframe having more than a few interests and aptitudes into a gift and a blessing. I can choose to think that they all serve me and are helping me serve others, which is ultimately what we're doing in our lives, no matter what we choose or chooses us, right?

I just finished listening to Derek Sivers' (founder of CDBaby.com) new book Anything You Want: 40 Lessons for a New Kind Entrepreneur and highly recommend it. He is quite the free bird. I love this:

No matter which goal you choose, just pay close attention to what excites you and what drains you. To when you're being the real you or trying to impress an invisible jury. Whatever you make is your creation so make it your personal dream come true.

That is how I feel I will be happiest. Making my own creations. Being the real me. I can write another whole post on roles I play which are not part of a literal work of theater but in my mind feel like something to which I can sell tickets. It's not about being fake, per se. It is a little hard to explain. Social conditioning, external expectations, my own fear of being myself, people's vested interests in having, seeing, wanting you to be a certain way -- these are powerful forces. I'm probably not alone here in feeling a bit persuaded to adjust to expectations and/or perform. It's okay. It happens. Compassion.

I am reminded again in this moment how inspired I am by people who have managed to discover who they really are and free themselves. Those who have defied external trappings or rules that hinder creativity, authenticity, clear thinking, impulses, and curiosity in favor of being real. I am grateful for having moments and experiences like this in my own life, too, even as I work on allowing a complete self excavation.

And I'm sure that Toys R Us metaphor is not a coincidence. There is a reason the wish or the fantasy is to be a kid. Young children and authentic adults dwell in courageous territory. Moments of genuine expression and authenticity are magical. I will be on the lookout for them in myself and others.

Please comment and share your thoughts on these subjects. I would love to hear from you if you're so inclined!!

Bye,

Lindsay

Greater Freedom and Happiness? Yes, Thank You!

Good morning!

I was sitting in a group last night and heard a woman speak about an "assignment" she received from her therapist to start using positive affirmations. She's dealing with chronic pain related to an illness from about 5 years ago and has been advised that her healing is slowing down due to something she can influence -- her attitude.

Listening to the woman speak about the affirmations -- she's cynical, she doesn't believe in them, it feels hokey, she'll do it but doesn't want to -- was fascinating for me because it reminded me where I was before I started practicing and teaching intenSati (the fitness practice created by Patricia Moreno which combines high cardio aerobics, dance, martial arts and yoga with, you guessed it, positive affirmations). I didn't so much as doubt their efficacy as much as I was very challenged by this question of whether or not I was being inauthentic when I would say them but not believe them. To shout, "I believe I will succeed!" or "I have a dream and it's all working out!" when I truly did not think I would or it is on any number of topics, from healing injuries to being a talented artist, from falling in love with The One to recovering from an eating disorder, I just wondered if I was doing my psyche and spirit any good at all.

As I am still in the process for all the aforementioned, sometimes I still wonder! Sometimes my attitude sucks, too, and I really just want to stop having to take the actions that help me the most. I begin to ask myself, Wouldn't I be better off just carrying around the weight of feeling like I wouldn't succeed, waiting until I somehow felt like I would, and then start saying affirmations only when they feel like truth? Also, if I didn't feel happy and free, did it mean that I wasn't doing this right? Exactly what was/is supposed to happen here with respect to my moods, actions and overall well being?

Ok, that's a question with a lot of answers but in the interest of time, I'll share briefly that what I've arrived at after a few years is that practicing affirmations in general and intenSati in particular is very powerful and it works! Thinking more positively gives me hope and inspiration. Affirming an attitude like confidence and strength DOES help me build confidence and strength. I don't rely on it exclusively, this thinking my way into feeling better and taking really productive, healthy and powerful actions, because the converse is also true, so I do that as well. "Acting my way into right thinking," is also incredibly effective. I may not believe I will succeed but I do whatever it is, I take the actions, and all of a sudden, when it's over, I have more confidence. The affirmation helps but doing the work is essential. Together. Both work. It's a perfect combination.

We are meant to have a full range of feelings and be human beings but I think the key here is that saying about pain being a part of life but suffering is optional. For me, this is a game of recognizing where I am creating suffering in my own life and learning to release it to the wind.

Which leads me to this month's intenSati series, which I wrote yesterday in the shower after physical therapy. I've got to say, I absolutely love this one! I think it's about reducing ego in order to find freedom and happiness. There is so much gratitude in it -- gratitude for this moment. It also feels like a love letter to Source energy, since so much of it is about how to relate to a power greater than yourself. If you're not spiritual and this sounds a little funky to you, I suggest what recovery programs suggest, which is just to think of any "power" greater than you, be it a group, love, nature or a collective of ideas.

There is one line about releasing expectations. This is a huge one for me, inspired by Leo Barbuta's post in ZEN HABITS about tossing expectations into the ocean. I've been trying this as of late and it is absolutely FREEING. To just go about my day either mindfully observing when I'm having expectations (step 1) or effectively releasing them (ahhhhh) results in my feeling surprised and delighted by so many gifts, not to mention less irritated when things don't "go my way", since I wasn't so vested in a result in the first place. It's not to say I don't have desires but desires are different than expectations. More to come on that and certainly comment below on this or anything else I've brought up, as I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Another aspect of the series is surrendering and cultivating your intuition (I don't say that but it's implied) for guidance and direction. Big, big, big one for me, as I am really learning how to partner up with Source energy when it comes to making decisions. I know a lot of us have choices to make each day and we struggle -- am I making the right decision? what do I really want? -- then we get all twisted up in our thinking. I've found when I ask for direction I am led. Things just become clear and I intuitively know what to do. It's amazing.

Also, I am super super into mindfulness, this practice of observing exactly what is going on inside you and around you, without trying to change or force anything other than what is. It really does take practice to see where you're distorting reality. So, while doing the kind of "thinking" we do with intenSati and positive affirmations, I think the key is to be present to yourself while you say the words and do the exercises, observing without judgment how it feels and what comes up for you. It's almost like dipping your bare feet in a pool and feeling the sensation on your toes with complete presence. From there you can inch your feet in deeper or pull back, but either choice you're doing is done with mindfulness and intention. Just be with what comes up.

Without further explanation, here is this month's series. I hope to see you in class! I'll be teaching class in Central Park three Saturdays this month (7/16 and 7/23 I'll be on vacation but there will be subs, more to come) and I am subbing at Equinox for Natalia on 7/27 (that's Wednesday morning at 6:30AM, Chelsea Equinox). Message me for more info.

Thanks and have an amazing, fun, freedom filled JULY 4th Weekend!

Here's the series. :) Almost forgot.

I AM FREE (Free)

THERE'S HAPPINESS IN ME (Happy)

I LET GO OF EXPECTATION (Detach)

I FIND INSPIRATION (Inspiration)

MY ENERGY IS UP (Energy/Great)

MY CONFIDENCE HAS GROWN (Confidence)

I ASK FOR DIRECTION (Desire)

I TRUST AND I AM SHOWN (Commitment)

I APPRECIATE THE MOMENT (Appreciation)

I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS (Gratitude)

MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE (Love)

MY LIFE'S TOO GOOD TO MISS (Celebrate)

*

I SURRENDER (Surrender) TO A POWER (Positive Expectation) THAT IS GREATER THAN MYSELF (Gratitude) FOR GUIDANCE (Intention), STRENGTH (Strong), and ANYTHING ELSE (Energy).

See you in class. And here on my blog, which you can definitely feel free to share with friends, Tweet, post on Facebook or distribute to anybody who can use a lift or a little inspiration!

Thanks!! Bye......

Best,

Lindsay