Sleeping six hours, going to multiple 6:30am fitness classes a week followed by 8 hours behind a desk, drinking too much coffee so my energy spikes and drops like a bungee jumper -- each of these actions do result in my feeling, at times, exhausted. Surpise surprise. Yet nothing, no thing, no behavior or excess of behaviors in my current life makes me feel as tired as being fake.
And perhaps nothing, no thing, feeds and fuels a tendency towards inauthenticity as much as a desire to receive the life equivalent of a Facebook LIKE. Efforts to please others by dolling out my own life LIKE approvals, as if I'm Santa Clause on Christmas Eve, is equally self stifling.
Not that there's anything wrong with a Facebook Like that's authentic. Them, I LIKE! If I ever have my own page, I will ask you to LIKE it, then hope you only do if you really, really mean it. Then, I will detach from whether or not you do or don't.
I spent Thanksgiving weekend out east in a home that feels like a cabin on an island that feels like a cloud in the sky, so removed is it from the activities below on earth. I am literal and it is Shelter so I am safe. A morning walk along the beach with my uncle, his partner, and "the kids" (the cutest, most darling dogs ever) cleared my head of my Thanksgiving feast induced hangover. There were pies. Many, many pies. The walk also pinched a hole in the high pressure balloon of stress I've been carrying around with me in New York City. Pop. I could relax and breathe in ways I rarely do at home, as much as I try to find ways to decompress.
I followed the walk with a bicycle ride for an hour. The island is so quiet. So few people. So few cars. So little noise. I found a used book store on my bike and bought a book for $7. Maya Angelou's Letters to My Daughter. She doesn't have a daughter but wrote these brief, soul stirring life lessons to her collective daughter, that is, all the women who look to her for advice, wisdom, leadership and learning. I spent the weekend with my own mother, whose lessons for me are becoming more frequent, rapid and exactly what I need. We spend more and more time together and I get to know her own stories, the adult equivalent of being raised.
Which brings me back to this conversation about the tyranny of LIKE. At 34, I am only just beginning to find the courage to be myself and with that, drop the conscious and below ground campaigns I've waged over the years to be liked. Like and its cousin Nice were constantly coming to dinner. It was important to my family, the community in which I was raised, the professional world, and in most places where anything but your talent becomes the defining factor and your likability quotient as important as your skills.
Perhaps that is what drew me to the arts. :) Instead of like me, can I please you by liking you, I will be nice nice very nice, there was the seduction of being like a rocker on stage with the primary purpose of pissing you off. I'm talking the kind of artist who would rather die than be popular and prefer to go without food and water for a few days in a hot , Afghan cave than have a career like Justin Bieber's.
The root? Fear. It's always fear. In this case, fear that expressing myself completely and authentically would lead to my losing certain things I have, people, and the belief that being liked and nice would help me gain and keep things I want.
The freedom is coming. For me it starts with accepting a host of personal dislikes and no longer blunting the feeling. Then it continues with taking myself off the hook. Trusting that my personality as is, is enough. That my work speaks for itself. That I can be kind without needing to people please my way into a corner. That the love I have inside of me does come out without forcing it.
Did you know (I didn't) that acceptance, neutrality or a Zen approach to something is actually an option over liking it? I am only learning that I could go through a whole day of doing things in acceptance without forcing myself to LIKE it. I can move with a neutral approach instead of forcing a guise of false cheer.
I can't deny my attraction to courageous souls who seek nothing besides freedom to express who they are without external forces controlling their voice. I saw that in the PBS documentary about Woody Allen. The man controlled his voice and projects. After his script for WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT was completely altered to suit the Hollywood studios, he vowed never again to lose creative control. Nothing would come between Woody, the keys of his ancient typewriter and the eventual execution of his story on film. Those were the terms under which he'd say Yes to a project. Nobody allowed to interfere. Woody is an example of No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Any actor worth their salt knows not to force anything. A faked feeling is like a death trap on stage, mainly because once you start forcing what you think suits the scene, you're no longer acting from an authentic place. Better to breathe, be patient, connect to your objective and let the feelings come as you continue to trust the text and what's happening between you and your partner. Very similar in life, I think! The less I try to be anything other than present, the more authentic I feel and then, here's the surprise, the more I actually DO like. Appreciation and gratitude may be practiced (witness my last post) but sometimes I think they're most enjoyed when they sneak up and make you catch your breath in wonder.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
100 Thank You's
Maybe one day I'll give a little big speech in a rather large auditorium with a trophy of some variety, earned not politically but legitimately for my work (creative, humanitarian or otherwise), in a dress that is a deep, emerald green, borrowed emeralds dripping from my ears, clip ons, of course, because my holes are loose and can't handle dangleys. I'll go home and put said trophy of some sort on a shelf, a place where I can see it when I want but not all the time, lest it come to define me and distract me from THE WORK. The list of thank yous will be memorized but improvised, so I don't forget my mom, my second grade teacher for casting me in the Pied Piper, KSA for running talent shows, and my college English Professor Lydia Fakundiny, the woman who turned me on to Montaigne and the essay as a form, and who let me know that someone can come to literature later in life (as if college is so late) and develop as a writer subsequently. Made not born...
In the meantime, there is THANKSGIVING!!! The most wonderful time of the year to...eat. And get grateful. Humble and grateful, since when you really start to look at the abundance on your plate, no matter how much is there or lacking, typically at some point or another, gratitude overwhelms. Melts the heart like butter on a baked sweet potato (healthy eating alert -- go for that with some olive oil over a marshmallow yam concoction). The the reflection moves to a comparison to someone, somewhere out there, with less. Much less. Then, the guilt over having so much. Comparatively. Then the reclaiming of desire, since, again, comparatively, someone out there has that much more so it's okay and legitimate to want that as well. Isn't it? It's a little confusing, this holiday, for people with stuff who want more stuff while sincerely empathizing with those without stuff.
As I pack up my bags this morning and head out to the eastern tip of Long Island for a few days, I've never so deeply wanted to rest and I'm not sure I've even been this grateful either. Grateful for my life, for my struggles, for the progress I've made, the people I love who love me, for being employed, having my own home, getting such clarity on what I want to pursue, for walking away from things and people no longer working for me, ah, the list goes on and on. Fortunately.
I'm going to write a very long gratitude list. 100 items long. I know it will feel good to me and hopefully it will inspire you to find the goodness for which your heart and soul are searching. Look under any rock keeping you from feeling grateful and see what you'll find! If you're not feeling particularly grateful, I just want to say this: Don't give up. Just don't give up on yourself, the love, peace, happiness and life you're seeking. Ever.
100 Gratitudes
1. Spending the holiday on Shelter with my family
2. Mud Truck coffee in the morning
3. Oat bran with the new almond coconut blend milk and organic apples for breakfast
4. Time for Thanksgiving intenSati class w/ Darbi before heading East
5. Yesterday's interview with Kid Shamrock cast and director, how connected and present I felt
6. My apartment
7. My new noise canceling headphones which I haven't tried yet but look really good
8. The morning light reflecting on the corner of the building out my window
9. The job I currently have
10. The jobs I am intending that I know are on the way, or something even better I can't conceive of yet
11. The joy I feel singing, dancing, music
12. Diane Keaton's autobiography
13. All the people who inspire me because of their authenticity and brilliance
14. My Pier 1 furniture
15. Italy
16. Learning the difference between waves of sadness and major depression
17. Learning the difference between bouts of nerves and free floating anxiety
18. Surrounding myself with people I love and who love me, letting go of the rest
19. The Thanksgiving Day parade and all the floats that make the kids and parents beam
20. Tara Brach's podcasts
21. David for all he teaches me about Zen
22. Recovering who I really am
23. Finding ways to give others what they need without enabling
24. Teaching intenSati
25. Practicing intenSati
26. Dancing around my apartment to Moby and Sarah Barelleis (sp?)
27. Baked apple crisp anything
28. My slender fingers and how pretty they look when manicured
29. Knowing that there are people out there who will love and appreciate me exactly as I am
30. Trusting my voice as an a writer/actress/director
31. Realizing my age is perfect
32. Loving getting "gussied up" with hair and make up
33. Remaining equally committed to never forcing myself to dress or appear any way I don't feel like
34. The food recovery program I attend
35. The women and men I know who have walked nearly exactly my walk and found peace, for inspiring me
36. Central Park
37. The poetry I've written and will eventually collect altogether
38. Song lyrics that move me
39. Poetry, literature, magazines, knowing I can't read it all but wanting to get as much in as I can
40. My very imperfect but healthy body
41. People who work in government and are committed to regulating the big banks
42. Humanitarians who help people living in poverty and under oppressive regimes
43. Occupy Wall Street -- not participating but grateful for those doing something to draw attention to injustice
44. Improv comedy class at the PIT
45. Saturday Night Live
46. All my friends' healthy babies and young children
47. My plant. Doesn't keep me up at night or spit up on my clothes.
48. The hundreds of books in my garage I'm going to bring back to my new apartment eventually and put on a yet to be purchased book shelf.
49. The blender Jen gave me as a housewarming gift.
50. Jen
51. Ginger, Karen, Tesha, all the people I met at the Good Commons retreat that totally changed my life
52. The BBC and the opportunities I'm getting there to live my dreams
53. People with beautiful, clear, adoring, sparkly, soulful eyes
54. People so secure enough in themselves they don't let others pose a threat
55. People who understand the challenges and rewards of writing
56. People who understand the challenges and rewards of acting
57. Oye, I'm only on 57. Grateful for this gratitude list!
58. My niece and nephew dogs Lulu and Jani
59. My uncle and his partner, Vidur
60. My incredible family that I love more than life itself but who I wish to depend on a little less
61. The Morning Joe for being an odd amalgam of what I love and hate about mainstream media.
62. Twitter for showing me that few people are really witty but there are some who are hilarious and I'm grateful to follow them.
63. Oprah for yesterday's episode about the singer who became the new frontman for JOURNEY (after being homeless, broke, and not believing in his dream) and DON'T STOP BELIEVING being the number one single of the 20th c.
64. People who believe in me more than I believe in me.
65. People I believe in and support more than they do themselves, hoping they will catch up.
66. Knowing that if I'm ever rich enough to "not have to work" that one of the things I will definitely do is design better sports and fitness outfits for women, undergarments, and comfortable yet stylish shoes with low to no heels.
67. All the synchronicities and "god incidents" that make me believe deeper in Source
68. All my tears
69. All my laughter
70. Hearing others laugh
71. Seeing others cry
72. Coffee with half and half
73. Really great movies and theater
74. My acting coaches Tom and Bruce
75. Being okay with the extent of and depth of my ambition and desire to improve, DEEPEN and grow in my crafts. Not knowing why the desire is as strong as it is, just accepting
76. Learning to be more patient, more efficient
77. Learning to TRUST
78. Learning to LET GO
79. Learning to heal a broken heart
80. Learning to sing
81. Learning to write scripts and plays. People who come to my shows, read my work, support me as an artist
82. Learning to be on camera with deep calm
83. Learning about what makes other people tick or stop ticking and start ticking again
84. All the incredible abundance and growth in my career this past year
85. Grateful I am not looking back or too far forward
86. Learning how much time I need to be alone and conversely, how much time I need to be around people!
87. Recording studios
88. My dad whose passion for music, thtr/film, and of course sports is the tree from which this apple dropped
89. My mom for being so smart, organized and disciplined, loving and beautiful, easily the most attractive and stylish 60ish woman I know
90. My brother for being a rock star
91. The sky, looking up to the sky for a breath
92. My renovated kitchen and no guilt that so far yet I rarely if ever use it
93. The dog I will one day have, the family, love, soulmate connection and children I believe I will one day have in my life that is already in my heart.
94. Making peace with what I can't change about myself and others
95. My new favorite woman on the world stage, the head of the IMF and possible future president of France, Christine Lagarde
96. Roasted brussel sprouts, pecan pie
97. Elise for taking me to Tuscany
98. The four different physical therapists for helping to heal my ankle after my surgery
99. Yom Kippur and all the mini-atonements i made throughout the year, forgiving myself and others for any transgressions
100. The spirit womb
Wowzers. That was fun. Have a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving!! Of course, feel free to share your gratitudes with me here if you want!
Best,
Lindsay
In the meantime, there is THANKSGIVING!!! The most wonderful time of the year to...eat. And get grateful. Humble and grateful, since when you really start to look at the abundance on your plate, no matter how much is there or lacking, typically at some point or another, gratitude overwhelms. Melts the heart like butter on a baked sweet potato (healthy eating alert -- go for that with some olive oil over a marshmallow yam concoction). The the reflection moves to a comparison to someone, somewhere out there, with less. Much less. Then, the guilt over having so much. Comparatively. Then the reclaiming of desire, since, again, comparatively, someone out there has that much more so it's okay and legitimate to want that as well. Isn't it? It's a little confusing, this holiday, for people with stuff who want more stuff while sincerely empathizing with those without stuff.
As I pack up my bags this morning and head out to the eastern tip of Long Island for a few days, I've never so deeply wanted to rest and I'm not sure I've even been this grateful either. Grateful for my life, for my struggles, for the progress I've made, the people I love who love me, for being employed, having my own home, getting such clarity on what I want to pursue, for walking away from things and people no longer working for me, ah, the list goes on and on. Fortunately.
I'm going to write a very long gratitude list. 100 items long. I know it will feel good to me and hopefully it will inspire you to find the goodness for which your heart and soul are searching. Look under any rock keeping you from feeling grateful and see what you'll find! If you're not feeling particularly grateful, I just want to say this: Don't give up. Just don't give up on yourself, the love, peace, happiness and life you're seeking. Ever.
100 Gratitudes
1. Spending the holiday on Shelter with my family
2. Mud Truck coffee in the morning
3. Oat bran with the new almond coconut blend milk and organic apples for breakfast
4. Time for Thanksgiving intenSati class w/ Darbi before heading East
5. Yesterday's interview with Kid Shamrock cast and director, how connected and present I felt
6. My apartment
7. My new noise canceling headphones which I haven't tried yet but look really good
8. The morning light reflecting on the corner of the building out my window
9. The job I currently have
10. The jobs I am intending that I know are on the way, or something even better I can't conceive of yet
11. The joy I feel singing, dancing, music
12. Diane Keaton's autobiography
13. All the people who inspire me because of their authenticity and brilliance
14. My Pier 1 furniture
15. Italy
16. Learning the difference between waves of sadness and major depression
17. Learning the difference between bouts of nerves and free floating anxiety
18. Surrounding myself with people I love and who love me, letting go of the rest
19. The Thanksgiving Day parade and all the floats that make the kids and parents beam
20. Tara Brach's podcasts
21. David for all he teaches me about Zen
22. Recovering who I really am
23. Finding ways to give others what they need without enabling
24. Teaching intenSati
25. Practicing intenSati
26. Dancing around my apartment to Moby and Sarah Barelleis (sp?)
27. Baked apple crisp anything
28. My slender fingers and how pretty they look when manicured
29. Knowing that there are people out there who will love and appreciate me exactly as I am
30. Trusting my voice as an a writer/actress/director
31. Realizing my age is perfect
32. Loving getting "gussied up" with hair and make up
33. Remaining equally committed to never forcing myself to dress or appear any way I don't feel like
34. The food recovery program I attend
35. The women and men I know who have walked nearly exactly my walk and found peace, for inspiring me
36. Central Park
37. The poetry I've written and will eventually collect altogether
38. Song lyrics that move me
39. Poetry, literature, magazines, knowing I can't read it all but wanting to get as much in as I can
40. My very imperfect but healthy body
41. People who work in government and are committed to regulating the big banks
42. Humanitarians who help people living in poverty and under oppressive regimes
43. Occupy Wall Street -- not participating but grateful for those doing something to draw attention to injustice
44. Improv comedy class at the PIT
45. Saturday Night Live
46. All my friends' healthy babies and young children
47. My plant. Doesn't keep me up at night or spit up on my clothes.
48. The hundreds of books in my garage I'm going to bring back to my new apartment eventually and put on a yet to be purchased book shelf.
49. The blender Jen gave me as a housewarming gift.
50. Jen
51. Ginger, Karen, Tesha, all the people I met at the Good Commons retreat that totally changed my life
52. The BBC and the opportunities I'm getting there to live my dreams
53. People with beautiful, clear, adoring, sparkly, soulful eyes
54. People so secure enough in themselves they don't let others pose a threat
55. People who understand the challenges and rewards of writing
56. People who understand the challenges and rewards of acting
57. Oye, I'm only on 57. Grateful for this gratitude list!
58. My niece and nephew dogs Lulu and Jani
59. My uncle and his partner, Vidur
60. My incredible family that I love more than life itself but who I wish to depend on a little less
61. The Morning Joe for being an odd amalgam of what I love and hate about mainstream media.
62. Twitter for showing me that few people are really witty but there are some who are hilarious and I'm grateful to follow them.
63. Oprah for yesterday's episode about the singer who became the new frontman for JOURNEY (after being homeless, broke, and not believing in his dream) and DON'T STOP BELIEVING being the number one single of the 20th c.
64. People who believe in me more than I believe in me.
65. People I believe in and support more than they do themselves, hoping they will catch up.
66. Knowing that if I'm ever rich enough to "not have to work" that one of the things I will definitely do is design better sports and fitness outfits for women, undergarments, and comfortable yet stylish shoes with low to no heels.
67. All the synchronicities and "god incidents" that make me believe deeper in Source
68. All my tears
69. All my laughter
70. Hearing others laugh
71. Seeing others cry
72. Coffee with half and half
73. Really great movies and theater
74. My acting coaches Tom and Bruce
75. Being okay with the extent of and depth of my ambition and desire to improve, DEEPEN and grow in my crafts. Not knowing why the desire is as strong as it is, just accepting
76. Learning to be more patient, more efficient
77. Learning to TRUST
78. Learning to LET GO
79. Learning to heal a broken heart
80. Learning to sing
81. Learning to write scripts and plays. People who come to my shows, read my work, support me as an artist
82. Learning to be on camera with deep calm
83. Learning about what makes other people tick or stop ticking and start ticking again
84. All the incredible abundance and growth in my career this past year
85. Grateful I am not looking back or too far forward
86. Learning how much time I need to be alone and conversely, how much time I need to be around people!
87. Recording studios
88. My dad whose passion for music, thtr/film, and of course sports is the tree from which this apple dropped
89. My mom for being so smart, organized and disciplined, loving and beautiful, easily the most attractive and stylish 60ish woman I know
90. My brother for being a rock star
91. The sky, looking up to the sky for a breath
92. My renovated kitchen and no guilt that so far yet I rarely if ever use it
93. The dog I will one day have, the family, love, soulmate connection and children I believe I will one day have in my life that is already in my heart.
94. Making peace with what I can't change about myself and others
95. My new favorite woman on the world stage, the head of the IMF and possible future president of France, Christine Lagarde
96. Roasted brussel sprouts, pecan pie
97. Elise for taking me to Tuscany
98. The four different physical therapists for helping to heal my ankle after my surgery
99. Yom Kippur and all the mini-atonements i made throughout the year, forgiving myself and others for any transgressions
100. The spirit womb
Wowzers. That was fun. Have a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving!! Of course, feel free to share your gratitudes with me here if you want!
Best,
Lindsay
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Why Advice is Annoying
I thought it might be a good time
to weigh in
on why
at times
it feels so annoyyyyying
to receive advice from someone
about
What to Do
with yourself
How to Deal
with a situation
maybe
Where to Go
on vacation
or simply
Why it Happened
as
it
did.
You've Heard it all Before
Often people say things that you've already heard or share a tidbit of wisdom you've already discovered for yourself. This immediately causes resistance. A little ego rising. Are you trying to tell me I'm stupid and didn't learn it the first time?! You know it's what you need to do but you haven't done it yet.
Easier Said than DONE
When action oriented advice comes out of someone's mouth it could feel like they are not taking into account how HARD it FEELS or IS to implement said action. "Just go to the gym" could feel like being asked to carry a bag of kettle balls up a hill on roller blades. For whatever reason, if in that moment your true feelings are that it's a challenge to do something, the well intentioned and wise advice may fall on deaf ears.
You Don't Really Want to Change
You think you do but you really don't so when someone suggests you do, you react in a way that will protect your habit(s). Love that one because it speaks to how we can deceive ourselves into thinking we really want the change. I do, I do, I DO, umm, I think, wait, maybe I don't. I don't? Shit, I don't.
You Want More (or Less) Than Advice
How many times has someone given you advice but that's not what you really want. You just want them to listen. Or, you just want a hug. Maybe you really want them to give you the thing you want that they're advising you on how to get. Or, you just want to feel peaceful. Advice can feel grating when it's not what you really want.
Listening is Vulnerable
When you listen and by that I mean really, really listen, you may feel vulnerable. You might have a reaction, a feeling, a swelling in the chest, a flutter in the belly, or an influx of thoughts into your brain that will start to cause your face to contort. Or, soften. Bottom line, you're vulnerable in that moment so it's easier to start interrupting or fold your arms across your chest. Anything to resist fully listening and being open to that in the presence and company of someone else, which could be a little scary.
On the other hand, advice can feel amazing, enlightening, supportive, like exactly what you needed to hear, a gift of mental mana from the heavens, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.Either way, there's always something to be learned. To all the people who give me advice, thank you for the gift. To those who have listened to me and mine, solicited or not, thank you, too. :)
All that said, here is more advice:
Eat well and do that with the help and support of other people.
Work out because it's amazing for your health (mental and physical).
DITCH any relationship, non relationship relationship or casual thing that is not serving you and isn't what you deserve.
Live passionately and with intention.
Recover solidly and quickly from any setback, perceived loss, or bump off the horse.
Have FUN!
Cheers,
Lindsay
to weigh in
on why
at times
it feels so annoyyyyying
to receive advice from someone
about
What to Do
with yourself
How to Deal
with a situation
maybe
Where to Go
on vacation
or simply
Why it Happened
as
it
did.
You've Heard it all Before
Often people say things that you've already heard or share a tidbit of wisdom you've already discovered for yourself. This immediately causes resistance. A little ego rising. Are you trying to tell me I'm stupid and didn't learn it the first time?! You know it's what you need to do but you haven't done it yet.
Easier Said than DONE
When action oriented advice comes out of someone's mouth it could feel like they are not taking into account how HARD it FEELS or IS to implement said action. "Just go to the gym" could feel like being asked to carry a bag of kettle balls up a hill on roller blades. For whatever reason, if in that moment your true feelings are that it's a challenge to do something, the well intentioned and wise advice may fall on deaf ears.
You Don't Really Want to Change
You think you do but you really don't so when someone suggests you do, you react in a way that will protect your habit(s). Love that one because it speaks to how we can deceive ourselves into thinking we really want the change. I do, I do, I DO, umm, I think, wait, maybe I don't. I don't? Shit, I don't.
You Want More (or Less) Than Advice
How many times has someone given you advice but that's not what you really want. You just want them to listen. Or, you just want a hug. Maybe you really want them to give you the thing you want that they're advising you on how to get. Or, you just want to feel peaceful. Advice can feel grating when it's not what you really want.
Listening is Vulnerable
When you listen and by that I mean really, really listen, you may feel vulnerable. You might have a reaction, a feeling, a swelling in the chest, a flutter in the belly, or an influx of thoughts into your brain that will start to cause your face to contort. Or, soften. Bottom line, you're vulnerable in that moment so it's easier to start interrupting or fold your arms across your chest. Anything to resist fully listening and being open to that in the presence and company of someone else, which could be a little scary.
On the other hand, advice can feel amazing, enlightening, supportive, like exactly what you needed to hear, a gift of mental mana from the heavens, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.Either way, there's always something to be learned. To all the people who give me advice, thank you for the gift. To those who have listened to me and mine, solicited or not, thank you, too. :)
All that said, here is more advice:
Eat well and do that with the help and support of other people.
Work out because it's amazing for your health (mental and physical).
DITCH any relationship, non relationship relationship or casual thing that is not serving you and isn't what you deserve.
Live passionately and with intention.
Recover solidly and quickly from any setback, perceived loss, or bump off the horse.
Have FUN!
Cheers,
Lindsay
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Your Tribal Dance
People form tribes. In NYC, especially. My acting coach, Tom Todoroff, used that word a lot and encouraged us to hang with the people who share the same passion for acting. I remember finding the language a little strange, initially. Groups, people with shared interests, teams, cliques, even, but tribes? My friend recently expressed how grateful she is for the Sati tribe (people who take and teach the fitness practice intenSati) and I started thinking again about that word and the importance of community.
When I was a freshman at Cornell, I rushed a sorority called Alpha Epsilon Phi. I was on the Women's Soccer team at the time and there were a few girls from the team in that house, plus more than a few members of the Original Tribe so it felt like if I was going to be in one, this would be the right fit. I now credit joining AEPhi as one of the worst decisions I made in my college years. It wasn't just the hierarchical thinking and self/group branding. It was more than a socializing arrangement based on meeting somewhat intimidating and mostly immature, arrogant guys in large, imposing mansions-turned-frat houses with enough beer on tap to fill the Finger Lakes. And yes, a sorority initiation that involved putting the pledge class, myself included, on all fours with hands tied (or positioned, can't exactly remember) behind our backs while two twin sisters who were so skinny their combined weight probably equalled mine, made ice cream sundaes on the floor in front of us and shouted "EAT! EAT IT! EAT ITTTTT!!!!" didn't exactly help.
No, the real reason joining AEPhi was a decision I can look back on as the road ill-advisedly traveled was because while living and hanging with a group of girls creating allegiance and community that was not based on anything real, I lost a sense of myself as an individual. I don't do well with compulsory bonding. Or pressures to put on a good face or a happy one.
I also had little to no skills to deal with my inferiority complex, one which was triggered to such a degree at that time by exposure to fellow sorority sisters who seemed so talented, smart, beautiful and rich, it fueled an eating disorder. Now, to be fair and balanced, I have some positive memories and to this day stay in touch with one of my bff's and favorite people on the planet, Laura. (Hi, sweetie.) Yet, for the most part, I was such a mess at a time that if there were any benefits to be found in the Cornell University Greek system, said benefits escaped moi.
Today, Maureen Dowd's NYT editorial is about the women she ran into at the Manolo Blahnik sample sale. These female shoppers demonstrate something of an anti-tribe mentality, I'd say, since many have a My Stilettos, My Self mentality first and foremost. Now I love fashion and if I was swimming in money instead of making a media exec assistant's salary, my clothes would probably reflect my interest a bit more. Yet, as Leon Talley as my witness, I do not subscribe to a "Don't you dare get in the way of me and those 4 inch heels!" a-tti-tude.
That's the difference between a tribe and a group of people who have the same interests. Tribe members, ideally, look out for each other. Competition can be healthy but you don't swipe a sister's shoes.
Even if you find a tribe you love, it can be challenging to deal with jealousy. If you're human and you feel it, it become a real headache since in addition to feeling the jealousy, when you are part of a system you may feel guilt and/or frustration for even having the emotion in the first place. As if it demonstrates a lack of allegiance. "I shouldn't feel this way" adds a layer of judgment and makes it harder to manage. If you're not careful, you may turn it inward on yourself.
It's true, right!? I can relate. It happens. Because we're human.
The other challenge of group dynamics is sometimes you can feel beholden to people's expectations of what your role is or should be with everybody. The tendency towards group think -- when people are all subscribing to the same or similar ideas without challenge, question or debate -- can be alluring. It takes less effort to agree and people pleasing sometimes really has its "benefits" and makes you think you're getting what you want. For me, anything I've ever gotten by people pleasing has not felt worth it.
The bottom line is that the value of having friends, fellows, community -- of finding and traveling in a tribe or two -- outweighs the cost of dealing with the kinds of emotions one feels or pressures that come up almost inherently in group dynamics. Self sufficiency is a way of the past and the world is moving into shared resources and support. Online communities keep sprouting up like sunflowers in a Tuscan countryside. When you find people you really connect to, people you love and trust, when you make friendships that transcend and outlast the tests of time and experience, it makes you feel grateful to be alive.
New York City is a large urban landscape with cold cement and bricks. The sunshine lights up the skyscrapers from the outside but it's up to us, the people, to light them from within. It can feel exceptionally lonely here, sometimes, and the NYC cliche of bumping into hundreds of people all day on the streets while never connecting resonates for most at one point or another. I can certainly relate and am doing what I can not just for community but for the kind of intimacy that is real, where there is honesty, love, fun, laughter and non competitive shopping for high heels.
It helps to get together with people who sing and dance the same song or at the very least, sing and dance!
When I was a freshman at Cornell, I rushed a sorority called Alpha Epsilon Phi. I was on the Women's Soccer team at the time and there were a few girls from the team in that house, plus more than a few members of the Original Tribe so it felt like if I was going to be in one, this would be the right fit. I now credit joining AEPhi as one of the worst decisions I made in my college years. It wasn't just the hierarchical thinking and self/group branding. It was more than a socializing arrangement based on meeting somewhat intimidating and mostly immature, arrogant guys in large, imposing mansions-turned-frat houses with enough beer on tap to fill the Finger Lakes. And yes, a sorority initiation that involved putting the pledge class, myself included, on all fours with hands tied (or positioned, can't exactly remember) behind our backs while two twin sisters who were so skinny their combined weight probably equalled mine, made ice cream sundaes on the floor in front of us and shouted "EAT! EAT IT! EAT ITTTTT!!!!" didn't exactly help.
No, the real reason joining AEPhi was a decision I can look back on as the road ill-advisedly traveled was because while living and hanging with a group of girls creating allegiance and community that was not based on anything real, I lost a sense of myself as an individual. I don't do well with compulsory bonding. Or pressures to put on a good face or a happy one.
I also had little to no skills to deal with my inferiority complex, one which was triggered to such a degree at that time by exposure to fellow sorority sisters who seemed so talented, smart, beautiful and rich, it fueled an eating disorder. Now, to be fair and balanced, I have some positive memories and to this day stay in touch with one of my bff's and favorite people on the planet, Laura. (Hi, sweetie.) Yet, for the most part, I was such a mess at a time that if there were any benefits to be found in the Cornell University Greek system, said benefits escaped moi.
Today, Maureen Dowd's NYT editorial is about the women she ran into at the Manolo Blahnik sample sale. These female shoppers demonstrate something of an anti-tribe mentality, I'd say, since many have a My Stilettos, My Self mentality first and foremost. Now I love fashion and if I was swimming in money instead of making a media exec assistant's salary, my clothes would probably reflect my interest a bit more. Yet, as Leon Talley as my witness, I do not subscribe to a "Don't you dare get in the way of me and those 4 inch heels!" a-tti-tude.
That's the difference between a tribe and a group of people who have the same interests. Tribe members, ideally, look out for each other. Competition can be healthy but you don't swipe a sister's shoes.
Even if you find a tribe you love, it can be challenging to deal with jealousy. If you're human and you feel it, it become a real headache since in addition to feeling the jealousy, when you are part of a system you may feel guilt and/or frustration for even having the emotion in the first place. As if it demonstrates a lack of allegiance. "I shouldn't feel this way" adds a layer of judgment and makes it harder to manage. If you're not careful, you may turn it inward on yourself.
It's true, right!? I can relate. It happens. Because we're human.
The other challenge of group dynamics is sometimes you can feel beholden to people's expectations of what your role is or should be with everybody. The tendency towards group think -- when people are all subscribing to the same or similar ideas without challenge, question or debate -- can be alluring. It takes less effort to agree and people pleasing sometimes really has its "benefits" and makes you think you're getting what you want. For me, anything I've ever gotten by people pleasing has not felt worth it.
The bottom line is that the value of having friends, fellows, community -- of finding and traveling in a tribe or two -- outweighs the cost of dealing with the kinds of emotions one feels or pressures that come up almost inherently in group dynamics. Self sufficiency is a way of the past and the world is moving into shared resources and support. Online communities keep sprouting up like sunflowers in a Tuscan countryside. When you find people you really connect to, people you love and trust, when you make friendships that transcend and outlast the tests of time and experience, it makes you feel grateful to be alive.
New York City is a large urban landscape with cold cement and bricks. The sunshine lights up the skyscrapers from the outside but it's up to us, the people, to light them from within. It can feel exceptionally lonely here, sometimes, and the NYC cliche of bumping into hundreds of people all day on the streets while never connecting resonates for most at one point or another. I can certainly relate and am doing what I can not just for community but for the kind of intimacy that is real, where there is honesty, love, fun, laughter and non competitive shopping for high heels.
It helps to get together with people who sing and dance the same song or at the very least, sing and dance!
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