Good morning,
I couldn't make it through reading more than half of my 2011 blog posts before wanting to change the channel, which today meant checking my Facebook page.
I did that for a moment, equally unriveted.
It's not about having all you want.
My happiness seems inversely proportional to how much I bullshit myself. To the extent I can look into my own eyes and know I am not lying, faking or pleasing, I am happy. I feel peaceful. No matter what I see or hear when my authentic voice gives a 'shout out' to my soul, I feel relief.
The reason we imitate, chase, conform, rebel, force, water down, jazz it up or hide out is because we FEAR our original self just won't cut it in this massive, stimulating, diverse and (oft perceived) competitive world.
Start with hating it all, if that's how you feel. Let it rip --
Great, I DID all of this, I DO all of that, I TRIED endlessly or I SAT on my ass too much, I THOUGHT I wanted this, I REALLY WANT that, I GAVE too much or perhaps TOO LITTLE and jeez, this can't be IT. I DON'T WANT this to be it. If this is it, I AM MISSING something. I am missing the GOLD. I am missing the REASON. I am MISSING THE WONDER.
2011 taught me unless I am authentic, I can't feel the wonder. Unless I am truthful, life takes on the feeling of a scattered picture.
Dress up in your 2011 accomplishments like a sequined New Year's Eve party dress or tux (I do have a few male readers). It's all just energy and co-creations. Call them up, put them on, feel glittery or dapper, do a twirl and then take the costume off.
I am grateful for those who say things which resonate in the depths of my being at a frequency I can't even detect.
I try to mute the noise, which is all the rest.
What happens in stillness stays in stillness.
This space inside which I am not a daughter, sister, assistant, friend, teacher, lover, leader, fool, patient, fellow, striver, seeker, recipient or giver.
This space inside which I am nothing, yet feel the wonder and gift of being alive. One can be a deeply, grateful person but not let gratitude encourage complacency.
If you want to escape, escape.
If you want to run, run.
If you want to pause, pause.
If you want to cry, cry.
If you want to hold on, hold on.
Then, when you're done, put your hand over your heart.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 --
Happy New Year.
Kisses.
Hugs.
You're still here.
Love and deep gratitude,
Lindsay
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Say Thank You to WHO Inspires YOU
Ok, I think I found an answer to my ambivalence re: blogging on Lindspiration. Sprinkle a few Vlog's in for fun. Enjoy and please drop me a comment if you want to share WHO inspires YOU. Love and joy, L
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Another Hiatus?
Good morning, good morning --
I made this little Vlog last night:
At this time last year I decided to go on Lindspiration hiatus for 3 months. It lasted about 5 weeks, so let's see what happens this time around...
I am definitely going to post one or two more times before 12/31/11.
Really hope you are well and enjoying the Holidays!
Best,
Lindsay
I made this little Vlog last night:
At this time last year I decided to go on Lindspiration hiatus for 3 months. It lasted about 5 weeks, so let's see what happens this time around...
I am definitely going to post one or two more times before 12/31/11.
Really hope you are well and enjoying the Holidays!
Best,
Lindsay
Friday, December 23, 2011
Taking Down Time
I woke up in a sweat today afraid I overslept. It was only 6:30AM and for most, there aren't too many things that can be missed if you're waking up at 6:30AM but the one that's my usual is an Equinox intenSati workout with Natalia Petrzela. Only today, there is no class. I'm not even working. My office is closed. I could go back to sleep. I could rest.
I started watching the new HBO series "Enlightenment" and while I can't say it's a revelation, I do like it a lot and am about to wrap up the last 3 episodes of Season 1 (there are 10 total). One of the Eps dealt thematically with time and the lead character Amy Jellicoe's understanding that Yes, there is plenty of it and No, it isn't too late for her to have a life she loves, find peace, and if not become enlightened, at the very least get her shit back together. It's hopeful.
Time, see what it's become of me.
When I look around at my possibility.
I was so hard to please
Look around
leaves are brown
and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.
"Hazy Shade of Winter" by Simon & Garfunkel, but here for your pleasure is the BANGLES version!
Happy Winter, btw. The Winter Solstice was yesterday and the period between now and NYE is a wonderful time to take an inventory of the last 12. I plan to take my time with it and be thorough with my reflection.
With time, we're constantly seeking to understand how to stop it from flying or passing when we want it to slow down. Or, we wish to speed it up when we feel stuck in something tedious.
Zen Buddhist teacher Joan Halifax Roshi told FORBES magazine, "In terms of our inner lives, no time exists except for what is happening in the present moment." We are warned constantly to slow down. We are invited to let go of the limiting thoughts -- It should've happened by now. Such and such is LATE.
But there is never any late and there is never any Finally until death, the end of the story. In the meantime, all time is created equal.
Knowing what I know now, I sometimes feel if i could turn back time, I would. Not everybody wishes or longs for that but I do. I would like a do-over in a few areas but short of that, I aim to pass along what someone may need to hear, something that will benefit someone in the short or long term in the way that will prevent that person from needing or wanting a do-over. I also intend acceptance, acceptance that for today I long for do-overs but tomorrow perhaps I won't. Feelings change. Acceptance that there are no do-overs and over-doing things in my life in reaction to my frustration that there are no do-overs is not what I need, either.
As I grow into my life and watch others do the same, I am inspired to let go and really, truly enter the perfect present. I am moving from partial presence to full, grounded, beautiful and powerful presence. This means living in the moment without plans. It means practicing love without goals. Expression and art don't understand that language, they just don't. The poem that longs to be written is like the crocus flower growing out of the mud towards the sun. It just grows.
Taking down time is impossible but taking down the limits of the mind and external structures that keep us from living in the moment, that can be done.
Enjoy the day :)
Lindsay
I started watching the new HBO series "Enlightenment" and while I can't say it's a revelation, I do like it a lot and am about to wrap up the last 3 episodes of Season 1 (there are 10 total). One of the Eps dealt thematically with time and the lead character Amy Jellicoe's understanding that Yes, there is plenty of it and No, it isn't too late for her to have a life she loves, find peace, and if not become enlightened, at the very least get her shit back together. It's hopeful.
Time, see what it's become of me.
When I look around at my possibility.
I was so hard to please
Look around
leaves are brown
and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.
"Hazy Shade of Winter" by Simon & Garfunkel, but here for your pleasure is the BANGLES version!
Happy Winter, btw. The Winter Solstice was yesterday and the period between now and NYE is a wonderful time to take an inventory of the last 12. I plan to take my time with it and be thorough with my reflection.
With time, we're constantly seeking to understand how to stop it from flying or passing when we want it to slow down. Or, we wish to speed it up when we feel stuck in something tedious.
Zen Buddhist teacher Joan Halifax Roshi told FORBES magazine, "In terms of our inner lives, no time exists except for what is happening in the present moment." We are warned constantly to slow down. We are invited to let go of the limiting thoughts -- It should've happened by now. Such and such is LATE.
But there is never any late and there is never any Finally until death, the end of the story. In the meantime, all time is created equal.
Knowing what I know now, I sometimes feel if i could turn back time, I would. Not everybody wishes or longs for that but I do. I would like a do-over in a few areas but short of that, I aim to pass along what someone may need to hear, something that will benefit someone in the short or long term in the way that will prevent that person from needing or wanting a do-over. I also intend acceptance, acceptance that for today I long for do-overs but tomorrow perhaps I won't. Feelings change. Acceptance that there are no do-overs and over-doing things in my life in reaction to my frustration that there are no do-overs is not what I need, either.
As I grow into my life and watch others do the same, I am inspired to let go and really, truly enter the perfect present. I am moving from partial presence to full, grounded, beautiful and powerful presence. This means living in the moment without plans. It means practicing love without goals. Expression and art don't understand that language, they just don't. The poem that longs to be written is like the crocus flower growing out of the mud towards the sun. It just grows.
Taking down time is impossible but taking down the limits of the mind and external structures that keep us from living in the moment, that can be done.
Enjoy the day :)
Lindsay
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Break the Cycle of Overeating
Hi,
I just added to a Facebook thread in response to someone asking for advice on how to get out of the cycle of overeating. Figured I would publish my reply here for you on Lindspiration! These are things I've learned from all my experience, teachers and fellows over the years.
Oh, and let me just say this has not exactly been the most successful holiday season for me so far and I am very much intending to take my own advice. I am learning with you! Here we go:
Plan what you're going to eat throughout the day and email it to someone in the morning. If you are about to go off your plan, first trace the bite. What will it lead to? Likely, more bites, a food coma, extra pounds, etc.
Don't deprive yourself. Eat plenty of delicious and healthy foods you enjoy as opposed to foods that are just a way of punishing yourself in response to your recent overeating.
Don't resort to crash dieting. See yourself through visualization first maintaining then losing over a reasonable period of time, knowing that the habits you can build into your life that will have staying power really do take about 30-90 days to implement. No sense trying to make too many changes at once, which can backfire.
Keep adding more of the healthy habits to snuff out the less healthy ones. Water, exercise (if your foot or any other lower body extremity remains injured you can consider ab workouts, pilates, light stretching, an elliptical machine or bike when you're cleared by your physical therapist), meditation, new activities you enjoy that will bring joy to your life and make food less attractive since your PASSiON energy will be up and busy with things besides food.
When the food button is HOT don't do things like a lot of cooking, watching of the Food Network or cooking shows, etcetc., find non food related activities to enjoy.
I seek extra food to "eat over" underlying feelings I don't feel I can tolerate. So, I would suggest to you that you CAN tolerate anything uncomfortable whether it's physical pain, anxiety, some sadness, regret over the last few weeks of overeating, work pressures, etcetc.
The SPIRITUAL is to realize that the overeating can be helped by opening up to more LOVE and SOURCE ENERGY in your life. Reach out to loving people and take active steps to let go of anything that blocks you from a deeper connection to SOURCE. Then, it becomes a lot less about the food, the weight, the perfect body, the skinny jeans, the washboard abs or 'doing right' by way of appearance and more about being closer to LOVE energy so you can experience all the benefits of THAT...
And finally, just relax and take it a day at a time. It's really the best way to get through any challenge. You are worth it, you deserve it and you can absolutely do this if you are willing to change.
Best,
Lindsay
I just added to a Facebook thread in response to someone asking for advice on how to get out of the cycle of overeating. Figured I would publish my reply here for you on Lindspiration! These are things I've learned from all my experience, teachers and fellows over the years.
Oh, and let me just say this has not exactly been the most successful holiday season for me so far and I am very much intending to take my own advice. I am learning with you! Here we go:
Plan what you're going to eat throughout the day and email it to someone in the morning. If you are about to go off your plan, first trace the bite. What will it lead to? Likely, more bites, a food coma, extra pounds, etc.
Don't deprive yourself. Eat plenty of delicious and healthy foods you enjoy as opposed to foods that are just a way of punishing yourself in response to your recent overeating.
Don't resort to crash dieting. See yourself through visualization first maintaining then losing over a reasonable period of time, knowing that the habits you can build into your life that will have staying power really do take about 30-90 days to implement. No sense trying to make too many changes at once, which can backfire.
Keep adding more of the healthy habits to snuff out the less healthy ones. Water, exercise (if your foot or any other lower body extremity remains injured you can consider ab workouts, pilates, light stretching, an elliptical machine or bike when you're cleared by your physical therapist), meditation, new activities you enjoy that will bring joy to your life and make food less attractive since your PASSiON energy will be up and busy with things besides food.
When the food button is HOT don't do things like a lot of cooking, watching of the Food Network or cooking shows, etcetc., find non food related activities to enjoy.
I seek extra food to "eat over" underlying feelings I don't feel I can tolerate. So, I would suggest to you that you CAN tolerate anything uncomfortable whether it's physical pain, anxiety, some sadness, regret over the last few weeks of overeating, work pressures, etcetc.
The SPIRITUAL is to realize that the overeating can be helped by opening up to more LOVE and SOURCE ENERGY in your life. Reach out to loving people and take active steps to let go of anything that blocks you from a deeper connection to SOURCE. Then, it becomes a lot less about the food, the weight, the perfect body, the skinny jeans, the washboard abs or 'doing right' by way of appearance and more about being closer to LOVE energy so you can experience all the benefits of THAT...
And finally, just relax and take it a day at a time. It's really the best way to get through any challenge. You are worth it, you deserve it and you can absolutely do this if you are willing to change.
Best,
Lindsay
Friday, December 16, 2011
5 Tips for Affordable Self Care in NYC
Good morning! Quick post here before I jump in the shower and get to work on time. Yes.
How do you spend your money for your self care? NYC is one of the most expensive places to live in the world, and it's tempting to find yourself at shops and stores which justify NYC's reputation. Not necessary. There are plenty of places to go that won't make too much of a dent in your wallet and I wanted to share some of my favorites:
1. Hair -- I love James Bentley Salon which is a bit of a hop, skip and a jump west (located on 57th Street between 10th and 11th) but it is worth it. Joey Lupo does my color and gave me such a great hair cut. The prices are very reasonable! A single process ranges from $50-$75. Also nearby is Sur le Table, which is like a slightly less fancy Williams-Sonoma. So you can shop on your way home from getting your hair pretty...
2. Skin -- I LOVE Mario Badescu products, which also have a price point that's not too outrageous even as the quality is excellent. They have a great drying lotion for $17.00 and under eye gel for $18.00.
3. Muscles -- My buddy Scott at Spa Belle on 15th and 7th gives an amaaaazing hot stones table massage and foot massage that I swear has taken my ankle (last surgery was July 2010) from good to great. About $45 for 30 minutes.
4. Meridians -- I get acupuncture at YinOva with Noah Rubenstein and he's awesome. You can also take a look around their website for a lot of very useful health oriented content, from Menstruation 101 (work it out) to the value of probiotics. Note: The acupuncture is on the pricier side but I wanted to add it on the list anyway because of the value. Noah gives you a lot time and the treatment is so much more than being poked with needles.
5. Nutrition -- Union Square has a market every weekend that most people know about, I think, but perhaps don't frequent. I didn't realize just how much of a difference the local, in some cases organic, and fresh produce is than what I used to buy at a regular supermarket or on Fresh Direct! I bought Brussels sprouts on the stem and kale so big I felt like someone should fan me with them while I recline on a couch eating organic grapes. A little scary and very green but SO worth it if you just wash it, put it in a ziplock bag, toss olive oil and sea salt in there, mix it alll around, dump it on a pan and shove it on the oven. :) 15 minutes later and WOW. So delicious!
What are some of your favorite spots for self care in NYC? Leave a comment here and let me know.
Best, xo
Lindsay
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Reconnecting to your Source
The point of entry for me into a spiritual life -- and by that I mean a reliance upon and relationship with a Source energy or "power greater than myself" that is divine in nature -- was the need and desire to rediscover the real me. I lost myself. For years. I buried myself under unhealthy behaviors, toxic relationships, jobs which had me underemployed and underpaid, people pleasing, harsh treatment against myself, resentment towards others, and a refusal to live in my power. For starters. There was also a lot of loss in my life with which I had to contend, grief being another real gateway into seeking.
In the despair cycle that brought me, I was forced to look for solutions and this biggest blessing in disguise process led to my discovering what I believe to be spiritual energy that is a force of healing, wisdom and the greatest love we can feel. When I tap into it, the most amazing things happen in my being and usually in my life, too. In many ways, and this may sound dramatic, I feel reborn. There is a freshness and an openness. I used to love watching National Geographic nature shows on TV growing up and will never forget the episode I saw of a giraffe giving birth. The baby sort of slides out of the momma who remains standing up during the process. Still in the placenta sack, the baby drops and momma kind of licks the baby who stumbles up onto all fours. In a matter of moments, baby is able to walk. It looks miraculous. That's how I feel when I tap into Source.
I bring this up because in the last few months I moved away from my spiritual practice and I've seen the effect on me. I feel less like a newborn giraffe and a little more like an old, clumsy elephant. Even as I've had some really amazing, forward movement in my career and life, all of which has been wonderful, it's felt like I'm still swinging for a trapeze of external trappings to feel secure. If I catch it, I'm still just swinging back and forth. Taking these actions and living my life without Active Connection to Source energy by way of meditation, writing, prayer, and other means leaves me feeling like I'm just looking for another fix outside of myself.
I'm going to mention Spirit Junkie author and founder of HerFuture.com Gabrielle Bernstein and it's not because I want to drive traffic to my blog by engaging her scores of fans. I swear. I watched a recent TEDx talk she gave in which she described the process of surrendering to a higher power and letting go of addictive behaviors (she's sober 6 years), learning to live by what she's dubbed "~ng" (pronounced "ing") or her "Inner Guidance System". She is delivering the message of "A Course in Miracles" under the mentorship of Marianne Williamson.
In the video below, Gabby talks about having been assigned just 18 minutes to give her TED lecture and how she woke up in the early morning hours, stressing out about what she was going to say, only to decide the next day to just toss her notes and speak authentically. Tell her story from the heart. I'm sure she's well practiced in this area but still, I think it takes a lot to just angel wing it for something as important as a TED talk but she did and it's beautiful. A completely higher powered talk:
What you hear in this video is a person who is resigning to asking for guidance from a Source to help chart her path, lead her into maximum service and continue as a messenger of love. It's a different way to go about your day than just jumping into the shark waters and fighting for things you're not even sure you want, going on a quest to improve for the sake of impressing others, or living by someone else's power and influence instead of the quiet voice inside your heart.
The entire universe gathers within the field of Om.
The syllable Ah transforms the energy of the universe into the potential of being.
With Hum, the enlightened energy flows back into the universe, to spread its benefits in all directions. (Author unknown).
What I know for sure is that we are energy and I am positive that the things we learn which are harmful can be unlearned, a day at a time, through a spiritual connection. I am grateful that I don't have to travel anywhere in the world to find myself. Ultimately, all I need is all I have, right here, right now. Sure it's the same for you wherever you are and I wish you well on your illuminated path.
Lindsay
In the despair cycle that brought me, I was forced to look for solutions and this biggest blessing in disguise process led to my discovering what I believe to be spiritual energy that is a force of healing, wisdom and the greatest love we can feel. When I tap into it, the most amazing things happen in my being and usually in my life, too. In many ways, and this may sound dramatic, I feel reborn. There is a freshness and an openness. I used to love watching National Geographic nature shows on TV growing up and will never forget the episode I saw of a giraffe giving birth. The baby sort of slides out of the momma who remains standing up during the process. Still in the placenta sack, the baby drops and momma kind of licks the baby who stumbles up onto all fours. In a matter of moments, baby is able to walk. It looks miraculous. That's how I feel when I tap into Source.
I bring this up because in the last few months I moved away from my spiritual practice and I've seen the effect on me. I feel less like a newborn giraffe and a little more like an old, clumsy elephant. Even as I've had some really amazing, forward movement in my career and life, all of which has been wonderful, it's felt like I'm still swinging for a trapeze of external trappings to feel secure. If I catch it, I'm still just swinging back and forth. Taking these actions and living my life without Active Connection to Source energy by way of meditation, writing, prayer, and other means leaves me feeling like I'm just looking for another fix outside of myself.
I'm going to mention Spirit Junkie author and founder of HerFuture.com Gabrielle Bernstein and it's not because I want to drive traffic to my blog by engaging her scores of fans. I swear. I watched a recent TEDx talk she gave in which she described the process of surrendering to a higher power and letting go of addictive behaviors (she's sober 6 years), learning to live by what she's dubbed "~ng" (pronounced "ing") or her "Inner Guidance System". She is delivering the message of "A Course in Miracles" under the mentorship of Marianne Williamson.
In the video below, Gabby talks about having been assigned just 18 minutes to give her TED lecture and how she woke up in the early morning hours, stressing out about what she was going to say, only to decide the next day to just toss her notes and speak authentically. Tell her story from the heart. I'm sure she's well practiced in this area but still, I think it takes a lot to just angel wing it for something as important as a TED talk but she did and it's beautiful. A completely higher powered talk:
What you hear in this video is a person who is resigning to asking for guidance from a Source to help chart her path, lead her into maximum service and continue as a messenger of love. It's a different way to go about your day than just jumping into the shark waters and fighting for things you're not even sure you want, going on a quest to improve for the sake of impressing others, or living by someone else's power and influence instead of the quiet voice inside your heart.
The entire universe gathers within the field of Om.
The syllable Ah transforms the energy of the universe into the potential of being.
With Hum, the enlightened energy flows back into the universe, to spread its benefits in all directions. (Author unknown).
What I know for sure is that we are energy and I am positive that the things we learn which are harmful can be unlearned, a day at a time, through a spiritual connection. I am grateful that I don't have to travel anywhere in the world to find myself. Ultimately, all I need is all I have, right here, right now. Sure it's the same for you wherever you are and I wish you well on your illuminated path.
Lindsay
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Why Write
Good morning,
I've been thinking about this blog, lately, mainly on the topics of what it is and whether I want to continue. Sometimes I feel like the writing I do is wonderful for me and keeps my juices flowing, helps others, and is simply my way of riding the waves of inspiration I feel in the morning. Other times, I feel like Lindspiration is one giant procrastination tool! Like I could be doing so many other things when I'm writing, such as rehearsing lines for a show or working on my voice. Stretching. Reading a novel. Watching TV.
I used to feel MUCH freer in myself to write more candidly and emotionally. That's changed. While I don't read my old posts and try not to look back in judgment, I do feel a little weird when I think about the personal content I've offered up here and try to gratefully accept that it was helpful to some and just what I needed and wanted to write at the time. I wonder if it's helping me to share anything of myself anymore and am curious what the dwindling desire is about. I still feel a need to write but want it to go someplace else, such as into a play or a screenplay. Sometimes blogging feels like I'm having a conversation while blind and deaf in that I can't see or hear any reader's response to my words at all. I know that's what writers do -- if this were in book or magazine form I'd be comfortable knowing that what happens between you and the paper is not my business -- but because the web is a portal of virtual conversations, I think I feel like I want to engage readers to say something, which doesn't happen often on this blog, probably because I don't ask...
On Friday night I saw the play Other Desert Cities, in which Aussie actress Rachel Griffith takes her turn as Brooke Wyeth, an east coast, Ivy League educated, Jewish, 30-something, single writer who battles depression and whose memoir, Love & Mercy, is about to be published (in sections) in The New Yorker magazine. She meets up with her parents and brother over the holidays to get their blessing, not an easy feat since L&M will soon reveal the deepest, darkest truths of their family for all the world to read. It was a fascinating drama and I could relate to Brooke (also my middle name) and her drive to write, something which stemmed from her desire to find answers to questions she was carrying around inside of her, questions about her older brother's death and her parents' role in it, questions which, unanswered, became a certain kind of torture.
I feel myself skating around the edges of a rink and eager to move closer to the center, to really get into truths, events and aspects of my past. At this point, it feels like the only way I could really understand myself and move forward but at the same time, I know that the place to be is in the here and now. I have many "energetic anchors" that connect me to my past and I don't want to wait until I write my story to be able to move past the past. When I take steps to let go of the need to know, I experience rapid, accelerated growth, the kind that trumps a therapeutic insight or epiphany (not to discount, those are great, too). Still, it's hard.
Even now, I am looking at my laptop which crashed a few months ago and I am terrified to toss the thing. On it is a ton of writing and rants that weren't backed up, writing I may be able to salvage with a techie expert's help (doubtful, according to the Mac Genius) but that I've decided isn't really worth saving! Still, I'm attached. So, it sits on my shelf, a Macbook of memories, a diary of drama and in many cases drivel, my feelings about events which are over.
Maybe it's normal to feel grief. This silent listener recorded my earliest musings and cries, only to have the computer version of a heart attack and take my writing with it to the other side. Maybe it's normal to feel fear, too. What are we without our past perceptions, observations, attachments. I'll never forget during Hurricane Gloria (sometime in the 80s when I was 10 or 11 years old) when we were in the sunny eye of the storm, I walked out of my house on Long Island to find a nest that had been thrown from the tree outside my bedroom window onto our driveway. In it were 3 or 4 little newborn birds. Up in the tree, the mother bird was screaming at the top of her little bird lungs while down below her little ones did the same. It was an unnatural, premature separation and as much as I feel as vulnerable as the little chicks, I can see how that is only a feeling.
The truth is that I can take care of myself and no longer need the past in any way, shape or form to protect me from begin open to the moment. And that is what I think the past does more than anything else. It keeps us from being here because HERE in the unknown, without attachments to all we think we are based on what we went through from birth to the present moment, can feel really scary.
Probably more than anything else, this blog's become a place I can clarify my thinking and also do some healing. It's allowed me to guide myself and others in some way. It's made me realize that I desire connection and speaking is a way to start that ball rolling. It brings me tremendous joy to touch another person's life through my words, not only because I feel heard but because I feel useful. So, thank you for reading my work.
Lindsay
I've been thinking about this blog, lately, mainly on the topics of what it is and whether I want to continue. Sometimes I feel like the writing I do is wonderful for me and keeps my juices flowing, helps others, and is simply my way of riding the waves of inspiration I feel in the morning. Other times, I feel like Lindspiration is one giant procrastination tool! Like I could be doing so many other things when I'm writing, such as rehearsing lines for a show or working on my voice. Stretching. Reading a novel. Watching TV.
I used to feel MUCH freer in myself to write more candidly and emotionally. That's changed. While I don't read my old posts and try not to look back in judgment, I do feel a little weird when I think about the personal content I've offered up here and try to gratefully accept that it was helpful to some and just what I needed and wanted to write at the time. I wonder if it's helping me to share anything of myself anymore and am curious what the dwindling desire is about. I still feel a need to write but want it to go someplace else, such as into a play or a screenplay. Sometimes blogging feels like I'm having a conversation while blind and deaf in that I can't see or hear any reader's response to my words at all. I know that's what writers do -- if this were in book or magazine form I'd be comfortable knowing that what happens between you and the paper is not my business -- but because the web is a portal of virtual conversations, I think I feel like I want to engage readers to say something, which doesn't happen often on this blog, probably because I don't ask...
On Friday night I saw the play Other Desert Cities, in which Aussie actress Rachel Griffith takes her turn as Brooke Wyeth, an east coast, Ivy League educated, Jewish, 30-something, single writer who battles depression and whose memoir, Love & Mercy, is about to be published (in sections) in The New Yorker magazine. She meets up with her parents and brother over the holidays to get their blessing, not an easy feat since L&M will soon reveal the deepest, darkest truths of their family for all the world to read. It was a fascinating drama and I could relate to Brooke (also my middle name) and her drive to write, something which stemmed from her desire to find answers to questions she was carrying around inside of her, questions about her older brother's death and her parents' role in it, questions which, unanswered, became a certain kind of torture.
I feel myself skating around the edges of a rink and eager to move closer to the center, to really get into truths, events and aspects of my past. At this point, it feels like the only way I could really understand myself and move forward but at the same time, I know that the place to be is in the here and now. I have many "energetic anchors" that connect me to my past and I don't want to wait until I write my story to be able to move past the past. When I take steps to let go of the need to know, I experience rapid, accelerated growth, the kind that trumps a therapeutic insight or epiphany (not to discount, those are great, too). Still, it's hard.
Even now, I am looking at my laptop which crashed a few months ago and I am terrified to toss the thing. On it is a ton of writing and rants that weren't backed up, writing I may be able to salvage with a techie expert's help (doubtful, according to the Mac Genius) but that I've decided isn't really worth saving! Still, I'm attached. So, it sits on my shelf, a Macbook of memories, a diary of drama and in many cases drivel, my feelings about events which are over.
Maybe it's normal to feel grief. This silent listener recorded my earliest musings and cries, only to have the computer version of a heart attack and take my writing with it to the other side. Maybe it's normal to feel fear, too. What are we without our past perceptions, observations, attachments. I'll never forget during Hurricane Gloria (sometime in the 80s when I was 10 or 11 years old) when we were in the sunny eye of the storm, I walked out of my house on Long Island to find a nest that had been thrown from the tree outside my bedroom window onto our driveway. In it were 3 or 4 little newborn birds. Up in the tree, the mother bird was screaming at the top of her little bird lungs while down below her little ones did the same. It was an unnatural, premature separation and as much as I feel as vulnerable as the little chicks, I can see how that is only a feeling.
The truth is that I can take care of myself and no longer need the past in any way, shape or form to protect me from begin open to the moment. And that is what I think the past does more than anything else. It keeps us from being here because HERE in the unknown, without attachments to all we think we are based on what we went through from birth to the present moment, can feel really scary.
Probably more than anything else, this blog's become a place I can clarify my thinking and also do some healing. It's allowed me to guide myself and others in some way. It's made me realize that I desire connection and speaking is a way to start that ball rolling. It brings me tremendous joy to touch another person's life through my words, not only because I feel heard but because I feel useful. So, thank you for reading my work.
Lindsay
Friday, December 9, 2011
Holiday Cheer
'Tis the holiday time
and we're definitely prone
to the highs and the lows
and a craving for home
as the fires burn bright
as the chimney's pump smoke
as the year disappears
and the new one brings hope
give attention to those
who need more than they say
the best gifts
come in bundles
of love
light
and
play.
Hi, everybody. I hope you're well! So, as the holidays get closer I want to help you feel a little less like a kernel of popcorn being heated up by an indistinguishable, uncomfortably warm source and on the verge of explosion, a side of toxic butter ready to add a drizzle.
Instead, a little bit of calm and centering. A knowing that a day at a time the following ideas are true:
*You'll get through the parties you attend. You will socialize, look cute in your holiday outfits and don't need to get wasted or overeat. You will choose to say Yes to invitations you want and No to ones you don't want.
*You'll get over not being invited to certain parties and when you see photos on Facebook, you'll be okay and at peace with other people's joy.
*You will find the right gifts for the special people in your life and not give any energy to believing a material present makes or breaks any relationship of any variety. That the thought really does count and the gesture of giving is enough.
*You'll be reflective of 2011 with a compassionate intention to love and honor yourself for all your efforts, embrace your imperfections, celebrate your successes and get excited about what's to come in 2012.
*If you're Jewish, you will joyfully and without guilt allow yourself to add any Xmas stuff to your somewhat empty apartment if it suits. (Ok, that one was for me. Ok, these all are for me but you know that!)
*You will realize that if you do find yourself surrounded by other kernels of popcorn popping that you have every right to walk your two little feet out of the situation and find a way to relieve your stress. Breathe. Relax. Drink cold water. Don't hesitate to separate.
*If you're single, you will feel any feelings that come up which are illustrative of your desire for a family of your own, down to the little dog wearing reindeer garb on his head or some kind of weird projection onto the mannequin families inside the Holiday windows at Sacks who look happy, yet tortured. Whatever floats your boat or feeds your fantasy is fine for a bit, but then you will come back to reality. THEN, maybe you will see that your reality is really f'in good. Maybe it has never been better. If the amount of love in your life exceeds what you need you are blessed.
If the amount of love you give yourself is enough to keep you thriving, creating, giving and in close relationships with wonderful people, you have enough. You really do!
Wishing you an openhearted holiday season!
Love,
Lindsay
and we're definitely prone
to the highs and the lows
and a craving for home
as the fires burn bright
as the chimney's pump smoke
as the year disappears
and the new one brings hope
give attention to those
who need more than they say
the best gifts
come in bundles
of love
light
and
play.
Hi, everybody. I hope you're well! So, as the holidays get closer I want to help you feel a little less like a kernel of popcorn being heated up by an indistinguishable, uncomfortably warm source and on the verge of explosion, a side of toxic butter ready to add a drizzle.
Instead, a little bit of calm and centering. A knowing that a day at a time the following ideas are true:
*You'll get through the parties you attend. You will socialize, look cute in your holiday outfits and don't need to get wasted or overeat. You will choose to say Yes to invitations you want and No to ones you don't want.
*You'll get over not being invited to certain parties and when you see photos on Facebook, you'll be okay and at peace with other people's joy.
*You will find the right gifts for the special people in your life and not give any energy to believing a material present makes or breaks any relationship of any variety. That the thought really does count and the gesture of giving is enough.
*You'll be reflective of 2011 with a compassionate intention to love and honor yourself for all your efforts, embrace your imperfections, celebrate your successes and get excited about what's to come in 2012.
*If you're Jewish, you will joyfully and without guilt allow yourself to add any Xmas stuff to your somewhat empty apartment if it suits. (Ok, that one was for me. Ok, these all are for me but you know that!)
*You will realize that if you do find yourself surrounded by other kernels of popcorn popping that you have every right to walk your two little feet out of the situation and find a way to relieve your stress. Breathe. Relax. Drink cold water. Don't hesitate to separate.
*If you're single, you will feel any feelings that come up which are illustrative of your desire for a family of your own, down to the little dog wearing reindeer garb on his head or some kind of weird projection onto the mannequin families inside the Holiday windows at Sacks who look happy, yet tortured. Whatever floats your boat or feeds your fantasy is fine for a bit, but then you will come back to reality. THEN, maybe you will see that your reality is really f'in good. Maybe it has never been better. If the amount of love in your life exceeds what you need you are blessed.
If the amount of love you give yourself is enough to keep you thriving, creating, giving and in close relationships with wonderful people, you have enough. You really do!
Wishing you an openhearted holiday season!
Love,
Lindsay
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