Stop People Pleasing

I've had a very extroverted week...on social media, anyway. I started Tweeting more, updating my FB status regularly, commenting on celebrity deaths like Whitney or celebrity inspirationals, such as Jeremy Lin #linsanity and Adele, the latter who recently said on 60 MINUTES, "Exploiting yourself sexually is not a good look". Goddess.

Social media is in many ways like a newly settled landscape with groups of small tribes and audience armies. You can see communities that build around various "leaders" who all Tweet or share or comment in a similar language or way. There are people who become popular online because they're already well established as a writer, journalist, comedian, entertainer, teacher, artist, etc., and others who build a fan base and then an offering like a book or film just becomes an extension of their brand.

In a million years I never could've imagined this kind of interactive dance between people across the globe (I graduated High School in1995) and I am still figuring out how and whether it's working for me.

Remaining connected and constantly engaging with people by way of text, Facebook, Twitter, email or other forms of social media 24/7 ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. Yeah. :) The inability or unwillingness to shut off the technology, except for when I sleep, work out, teach, go to rehearsal or perform, results in burn out and frustration. Makes my head hurt and I just don't like how it feels. Perhaps for people who lean towards the introverted side of the spectrum, there is just more comfort communicating in the virtual world. It's also a way to feel a sense of control -- you write to someone or perhaps to 1500 someones on FB and rather than expose yourself to the vulnerability of waiting for an in person reply or response from someone in the flesh, you're just going to see if someone comments or how they email you back.

I don't think anything compares to speaking to someone face to face, looking them in the eye, sharing your truth and waiting for their reaction.

I took an on-camera commercial audition class last night and had the chance to watch myself on tape again. It's amazing what I didn't realize I was communicating in body language and style until I saw myself and listened to about 6 people's honest feedback and opinion. I didn't really see myself. I felt hidden (underneath a LOT of hair, boy do I need it cut and trimmed around my face) and like I was retreating. I felt very measured and like I was playing it safe, mainly underneath the guise of wanting to be liked. I've written a lot about people pleasing in the past and while this isn't all news to me, I just read a new article that says people pleasing is also wrapped up in overeating in social situations because people are afraid to disappoint the host.

“People-pleasers feel more intense pressure to eat when they believe that their eating will help another person feel more comfortable. Almost everyone has been in a situation in which they’ve felt this pressure, but people-pleasers seem especially sensitive to it,” said Exline, whose study was published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/02/how-people-pleasing-leads-to-overeating/#ixzz1meF9M4Up

Just think about that for a second. That as a full fledged adult you would allow yourself to ingest something you do NOT want to ingest, simply because you want the other to feel OK.

It's a metaphor, really, for all the ways you might adjust behaviors, a look, an attitude or an emotion to give someone else what you think they want (or actually do) and win approval. It happens on the job, in auditions, relationships, on line...

I know I do still do it plenty, with last night in class being just one example. That's why it feels particularly good in this moment as I type in my apartment with nary a person to please.

5 Ways to Break the Cycle of People Pleasing

1. Value being RESPECTED over being LIKED.

2. Spend time doing what you LOVE not doing what makes you more POPULAR.

3. Recognize that your look, sound, point of view, intelligence, and physique are UNIQUE. Value being DIFFERENT.

4. Avoid relationships with people who need to control others to feel all is right in their world. BOND with FREE spirits.

5. MEDITATE. It is the activity least reminiscent of a performance besides sleeping.

Best,
Lindsay