Most of you who read this blog regularly know me as a writer, actress and fitness instructor. All of that is true and wonderful, but at this point in my life what is also true and for years felt a lot less than wonderful, is I have what some like to call "a day job". For me, it is in fact during the day and it is definitely a JOB. I am the Executive Assistant to the General Manager of a cable channel. I've been in this role for a little less than 2 years and for 2 years prior, I was the EA to a different group of executives at the same channel, including the former COO and heads of Programming, Affiliate Sales and Ad Sales.
Before this EA gig in media, I was the Executive Assistant to the head of Mayor Rudy Giuliani's now defunct security consulting firm. My boss was the former Assistant Director of the FBI's NY Office with a resume that included head of Counterterrorism, national security advisor to President George W. Bush, lead investigator of the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and CNN analyst. I landed that job -- which was quite the learning experience, to say the least! -- after doing administrative assistant and temp work while pursuing the acting, writing and fitness. Essentially, I wasn't making enough money to take care of myself and live in the city and the temp agencies explained I could do EA work for a little more (this was about 7 years ago). I said, Yes.
Now that I've written what anybody can see on my LinkedIn profile, I want to get to the good stuff, which is why I'm convinced I am still an EA as opposed to acting on a sitcom, reporting on camera from events around the globe or working on a film in a writer/producer capacity. I don't think it's about luck. I don't even think it's entirely about my ability or lacking some confidence in my skills, although I would say that's a portion of it overall and I'm finally getting over a few hurdles, yahoo. What I DO think it's about is an unwillingness to choose to COMMIT fully to my "day job", be present to my reality and work at my utmost potential.
Are you fully committed to your commitments?
Resenting my circumstances, worrying they will last forever, judging myself, and using them to construct a story in my head along the lines of "If it hasn't happened by now, it never will, it must not be meant to be. I'm an overqualified, under-achieving Ivy Leaguer and I'll be an EA forever!" or choosing not to fully embrace my work with gratitude, all of these choices kept me from saying YES to my present circumstances with my entire being. I'm sure this affected my momentum in other areas as well.
You see, what I've done is keep one foot out the door, mentally, out of a fear that if I commit to THIS reality, moment, and set of circumstances, I am somehow warding off THAT reality, THAT moment, THAT set of circumstances I am reallllly desiring. The lucky thing for me, if you want to call it lucky (maybe that's not the right word), is that even by not committing fully, 100%, even by keeping a mental foot outside the door and a self concept "This is not really what I do!" while DOING it 45-50 hours/week, I still perform at a high level because I'm smart and I'm experienced. The catch is that I know in my heart of hearts I can do a lot better.
How does it feel to do something and know you did not give your all?
The same thing can be applied to being single. It's the illusion that if you step into it with 2 feet in and just grab it by the horns -- this is it for today, YES! -- you're signing up for a life of something you don't want and letting go of what you do want (i.e. to get married to a hot soulmate w/ a great sense of humor, have babies and adopt a teacup Boston Terrier). The opposite is true. Hunker down, embrace your circumstances, stop thinking about the future and you will be way more freed up to actually transform your circumstances. It's all energy and it can't be constipated. Sorry. :)
There is more ego constructed fear, which is something like, "What if I enjoy this?" The funny thing is, I actually DO enjoy begin the Executive Assistant to a C suite executive in some respects. Does it bring me the same kind of pleasure as acting, writing a play or article, teaching an intenSati class or singing a song? No, no/no, no and no. But, there are some very rewarding aspects to the work that actually do suit me really well! We don't live in the era of Mad Men anymore, thank god, and an assistant working in my capacity is doing a lot more than answering phones, getting lunch and scheduling appointments. There is that function as well which can feel tedious at times (humility/ego dilemma, what?), but there is much, much more and for me as an entertainment professional, being the "right arm" of a cable channel GM has given me a deep knowledge base. It's not an accident that I got to this particular place in my work. It is a benefit to me and when I am in a good place, connected to Source, I truly feel it is all for GOOD.
Do you believe things are happening for your benefit and growth? Relax.
All this to say, for years and I mean years, I would have days where I just slogged through work (again, slogging being relative in my world bc at this point, I rarely truly slogged but I was just not up to my 'personal best' level) and while I could get by, I just don't like just getting by. There's the saying "How you do anything is how you do everything" and of course one of THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz, which is "Always Do Your Best". That means in everything. The work ethic you apply to one aspect of your life DOES carry over into others and you will only be as strong as your weakest link.
What do you need to strengthen in your life? Where are you denying yourself the pleasure of peak performance?
I had to shatter the illusion that committing fully to my current circumstances will somehow lead to complacency. I also had to abandon the idea that complaining about the physical reality would manifest change. I don't want to deny myself feeling really good, confident and accomplished each day. At the end (and beginning, like right now) of the day, I am NOT my job, I am not my circumstances, and I am not even what I am striving for -- I am simply a traveler who is here to grow closer to Source, in love, each and every day. I am here to manifest the greatness in me and help others do the same. I am what I desire (Love, Freedom, Creativity...)and I am here to enjoy the gifts of being alive, which are everywhere, even in the secretarial responsibilities of running an office, lest I forget that
Source is in the small details.
I'll close with an excerpt from one of Tara Brach's recent podcasts. The last 3 or 4 have been SO amazing. This one is about practicing presence, which is sort of funny to me -- can you really practice presence? You just are presence. Like, right now. You are always presence. I guess you can practice it the same way you practice breathing. You're always breathing but when you practice it, your experience and awareness of the breath just changes.
In the moment
and letting go
into what is,
you are aligning
Set your intention
to cherish these moments
Have a beautiful day.