I mentioned in a previous post that I recently completed the Landmark Forum, a 3 day personal growth and transformational education workshop followed by weekly 3 hour seminars every Tuesday night. It's complementing my life and what I've learned over the years very well! One of the things I am doing now is pushing myself out of my comfort zone and into a space where it is possible for me to accomplish and achieve my dreams and so much more...
...such as being peaceful and okay with who I am. That's BIG!
Or, becoming a Knicks City Dancer, THE THING I wanted to pursue in 1995 when I graduate High School and was getting ready to head to Ithaca for pre-med studies at Cornell. Instead of heading up north for hours of chem lab, I wanted to take a year off, move to Manhattan and train to be part of the squad of dancers who rock it out for the NY KNICKS! I didn't. I went to college.
Now, I'm actually considering what would happen if I train for a year and audition. I don't think I want to join the squad per se but I do want a one-off special event! So, perhaps in time Lindspiration grows and I engage the KNICK CITY DANCERS to chat with me about their lives, what they love about their work, the joys and the challenges -- AND THEN WE DO A DANCE ROUTINE TOGETHER!
That I LIKE.
In the nearer term, as mentioned in previous posts, I am producing my short play, Brattleboro, for the Strawberry One Acts Festival. I am extending said short play at ESPA's 'The First Draft' course, which started last night. I left my first class last night feeling like I was floating, until I stepped into the humid, thick city air at which point I had far less lift. That's ok.
The game gets bigger when I take actions to line myself up for agent representation as an actress (after 12 years it's time) and deepen my work as an exec assistant to the head of a cable channel, a job which requires fierce focus and mindfulness every single day.
Equally important is this process of opening my eyes to my own emotions and feeling states like resentment, jealousy, disillusionment, resentment, resignation, cynicism, and judgment of myself and others. For years, I've learned that if I don't really look at these states and just jump ahead to seeking positivity or creation, the result is nil. As they said in Landmark, it's a lot like spreading frosting on a pile of pooh. I'm paraphrasing but that's close. Icing on kaka! I used to say in intenSati class you don't want to feel like you're shellacking a cracked wall by ignoring what's underneath. It takes strength to investigate, look at, deal with, address, make friends with, be at peace with...the cracks. Then, you're not painting to hide or mask anything. You're just painting to paint.
When I think about what scares me about playing a big game -- and this absolutely includes the big game of marriage and kids -- it's the fear of being ill equipped to handle the responsibilities and fulfill the expectations of myself and others. It's been an ongoing concern of mine my whole life that I can't do what I'm being asked to do or what I want to do. Even when I prove my inner voice of doubt wrong by accumulating evidence of success after success, there are lingering doubts.
So, I push through those itty bitty shitty messages that have the potential to STOP me. I've learned they are not truthful and who wants to believe a liar, right?